A pension for destruction.

Spiraling out of control seems to be the only thing I am capable of right now. And I have to believe that’s okay. It’s okay to not always be happy. It’s okay to not always have the answers. It has to be okay. Too many people live with preconceived notions that things must always be good. But life isn’t always like that. Life is messy. Things happen that you don’t want to deal with and sometimes it’s all you can do to get out of bed each day. That’s okay.

When you’re in a difficult headspace, sometimes getting out of bed each day is the best thing that you can do. I know that’s how I’ve felt lately.

Where am I going to live in two weeks? I don’t know. How am I going to move there? I don’t know. What should I do with my life? I don’t know.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I wish that I knew. I wish that I had the answers. I wish that I wasn’t being such an asshole to the people who care most about me. In addition to not being able to control my life, I can’t seem to be able to control my feelings or attitude either.

I screwed up. I’m continuing to screw up. Making things worse seems to be my talent right now. I wish I had answers. I wish I had a feeling that this was going to be okay.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. STOP MAKING THINGS WORSE. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. (Still trying to pep talk myself. Still hoping it’ll work)

Like sand through the hourglass… these are the days of our lives.

-V

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