Day 20: When can I stop counting the days?

If ever there was a day, a moment, a time in which the steps could be taken – in which I could run away and leave everyone and everything behind, this is it.

That’s the dream, though. Right? Leaving the world you know behind in search of a beach town somewhere that you can sell fruit to tourists and live out your days worry free? Perhaps travel the world and never look back. That was always my dream.

With each passing day I get closer and closer to the move-out date for this apartment. The idea of moving out of this apartment excites me but also scares me. Not having a solidified place to move to is worrisome. Where will I go? How will I support myself? I don’t have answers. The only thing I do have is more and more questions.

Yes, it will feel exceptionally good to leave these weathered walls in my rear-view and truthfully, it’s a tad exhilarating to not know where I’m headed next. But, the sensible side of me is tapping at my cerebral cortex and politely saying “Make a plan! Make a plan!” At any given moment it’s difficult to decide which of my two seemingly-opposite viewpoints are winning.

I wish I had answers. Do I need a job to be happy? Is there more out there for me?

I wish I knew more.

My resolution for 2019 was to make sure that each day was better than the last. So far, I think that I have accomplished that. Everyone has their ups and downs, yes. But, the exhilaration of giving away all of my things and leaving this life is far more appealing then any down I am feeling at the moment.

Maybe I’ll travel the world. I’d like to start in Cambodia. How fantastic would that be to just get on a plane next month and say goodbye to comfort zones? Here I go again with more questions.

I am finding though that some questions are better than others. Some questions leave more room for the future than others. Some questions leave more peace of mind than others. Perhaps that’s the balance of life… knowing what to ask yourself and what to leave unanswered.


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