The new norm.

Surprise! I’m still alive. I know, it’s shocking me as well. I was pretty down-and-out for a few days there. And, though I still can’t really hear, I can at least walk up the stairs without feeling like I’m going to collapse and fall down them.

I’ve passed on my sickness to Knight, now. He’s incredibly sick. And he’s so stubborn that I don’t think he’s going to do anything about it. I’m worried about him. If he gets even half as bad as I did, he’s going to need to see a doctor. And I don’t know if he’ll even do that. So I guess I’ll just sit here and worry. That’s what girlfriend’s are good for, right?

Do you ever have panic attacks? I do. Sometimes I get them so bad it’s as though I cannot breathe and my heart is going to jump out of my chest. It’s not that I am scared of the future… okay it’s that I’m scared for the future. There are so many unknowns, I’m not sure how to grasp onto something if I don’t know what it is. I’m not sure how to anticipate something if I am unsure if it’s going to be good or bad.

I’m scared that I’m not good enough. I’m scared that I’ll never measure up to the person that I am supposed to be, the person that I think I am but always seem to fall short of.

In these moments of self-doubt, in these nights that I sit here feeling sorry for myself, or feeling as though I don’t measure up, I haven’t quite figured out how to get through it yet. I kind of just sit here and stew. I sit here and worry about money and logistics and so on and so forth. I wish I knew how to move past it. I wish I knew how to feel about the future. I wish I knew how to control it. I feel that’s a recurring theme for me, though. I never seem to know the answers.