On starting over at 30

12:03 p.m.

I feel sick.

2:18 p.m.

I still can’t do it.

5:00 p.m.

Text message from my mom: “Just remember you’re worth. Don’t you ever forget that.”

8:57 p.m.

Wow.

Okay.

Where do I start? Words are escaping me at the moment. Everything is escaping me at the moment. The life that I thought I knew, the plans that I thought I had, they fell through my fingertips faster than granules of sand on the California Coast.

I can’t do this right now. I’ll take this up later.

12:57 a.m.

It’s crazy to me, the fact that the people you love most in this world have the capability to hurt you the most.

Perhaps I’m just too trusting. Perhaps I put my faith where I shouldn’t have.

3:29 a.m.

Holy fucking hell. (Please excuse my language. Nothing else seems a worthy description of the present state of my brain)

4:45 a.m.

Still awake.

6:30 a.m.

That alarm came a lot earlier than I wanted it to.

7:30 a.m.

Okay, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to spit this out.

3:38 p.m.

A song came on radio just now and I burst out into tears.

“They say “Love is more precious than gold”
Can’t be bought and it can’t be sold
I got love enough to spare
That makes me a millionaire”

Chris Stapleton

10:30 p.m.

The past 48 hours of my life have been exceptionally trying. This whole year, through everything that has happened, I’ve not once thought of myself as a loser, until today. I had an awakening today. I am a loser. I am. And I think it’s time that I start facing the very real reality that has become my life in 2019. I don’t say this in a self-deprecating way, or in a way that wants pity. I’m just trying to be real with myself.

I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m questioning everything that I’ve ever done, especially that in the past two days. I had plans. I had a future. I had everything I ever wanted and it slipped through my fingers in the blink of an eye.

I don’t want to be here… in this place. Both literally and metaphorically. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened. I love you. I will always love you. I hope that you’re able to find some peace.

How did I get to this place? I did everything right. Every fucking thing. I got the degree. I chased the career. I was a nice person. I tried to be a good person. We all have flaws, but somehow, I don’t know, perhaps I was a serial killer in my past life.

So where am I at?

The reality with my life right now is that I have no plan, no job, no home. I am 30 years old and I am a loser. Two weeks ago I was the one in the cab telling a complete stranger that it’s never too late to start over, and now I’m realizing that perhaps I should have been telling myself that all along.

I need to start over. I know that. I need a Plan B. Actually, I think at this point I’m probably running on Plan F? Motivation, Vee. You’re responsible for motivating yourself from now on.It’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting your shit together.

I never thought I’d be in this place in my life, but I’m sure that’s what everyone says right before they start over. So, I’m going to revert back to a quote I shared with a cab driver two weeks ago:

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Here’s to starting over. I’m 30 years old and I need to make a new life. I’m scared.

15 thoughts on “On starting over at 30

  1. ON POSSIBLE

    ♡ “Impossible is a word thrown around by weak people.” ~ You Know Who
    ♡ Impossible is I’m Possible
    ♡ When SomeOne sez “You Can’t” they ARE Really Saying “I Can’t”; as any Child will Tell You “The Possibilities ARE Endless.”

    …♡♡♡…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my God this hit home like nobody’s business. Stay strong friend! You’re not a loser, it’s just the chemicals in your brain trying to confuse you. If you ever feel the need to reach out to a stranger my inbox is always open to you. Hope you’re able to find peace soon, lot’s of love x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I totally get it. Starting over is hard but if anyone can do it, you can. You are so much stronger than you think. Sending some hugs for now. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow. This one really struck me. I am also in the midst of starting over – at 29 years old. I hear you and I am sending all the positive thoughts I have to spare your way. It’s scary as all hell to be in this place, especially when you have already walked the path that you were told would lead to success (I did the same). But, I honestly believe for myself that something greater is out there for me and that I’m slowly, clumsily, stumbling towards it. It’s not heroic or confident looking, the way I’m making my way there, but I’m on the right path. I know I don’t know you, aside from your writing, but I have a firm belief that you are on the right track too. No matter how rough that path might seem right now, it’s leading somewhere great. Hang in there xo

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Girl. I get what you’re dealing with. Really, I do. I just let an entire semester slip thru my fingers as I made it all the way to the end, only for my NI to fail me 2 weeks before finals. TWO WEEKS. I lost everything – my grades, my courses, spent so much energy and effort, which only led to burnout. Most of all I lost my confidence and identity. And add academic probation and a year to reflect on this crappy year. This feeling is awful and I feel like a loser too. Welcome to the loser club? 😕Honestly, try to take things day by day. Listen to songs that speak to you (keep doing that) and try to find meaning this way. Study a subject you always wanted to study but never had time for. Write. Writing is so therapeutic and you may find new meaning from untangling your tangled thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. P.S. I feel compelled to add that I’m 27 going on 28 and am still trying to get my life in order. I won’t finish school until I’m 30 and I’m not allowed to fail even one more course or it’s game over #nopressure

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Are you talking to someone? A counselor, or a psychologist, or a religious figure? Because I know what you’re going through. I know exactly. I went through it myself. And I know for a fact I could not have gotten through it if I didn’t have someone to talk to and guide me. My parents didn’t help, and neither did posting it on the internet, because nobody on the internet really cared. So that’s what I suggest: definitely find someone you can talk to about this in person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank You. I’m considering talking to a shrink. I’ve just recently relocated (within the past 48 hours) so I need to find someone, ya know? I need to figure out this new place.

      I’m sorry that you had to go through this. I know what you mean, though. People I know aren’t really helping at all. I totally get you.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. You’re freaking awesome. Fail good and fail hard. There’s so much beauty in failure, like do you see how strong and tough you are? You are pushing what you thought would scare the hell out of you, and there you are, still living and breathing and doing an amazing job with figuring it out. There is no time limit, you’re right. The only thing that you’re missing is the plain fact that you’re kickass down to the bone. Nothing can stop you. Not even what you thought was failure. This is your beginning and I really think a beginning is always an truly wonderful, lucky place to be. I see myself in you. I’m proud of us. We can do this. Power to us.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s