Apple cider vinegar and fear of admitting the truth.

I have had anxiety since before I even knew what it was. I remember being 10, 11, 12 years old and laying in bed at night worrying about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I used to put music on all night long, so that while I was laying there, not sleeping, as an adolescent, I would have something to hopefully distract my mind.

When I finally learned what anxiety was, I became afraid to tell anyone what I was dealing with because I feared the fear itself, and I feared talking about it.

To this day, I’ve only really told three people in my life about my anxiety, and one of them just learned about it two nights ago. My sister-in-law and I had a much needed discussion about anxiety, what it’s like and how we’re very similar in a lot of days.

For a very long time, I really had my anxiety controlled. Things were going well, I felt as though I kept myself busy and I was working towards a future. As such, I didn’t have enough time to worry.

Lately, though, lately I seem to worry about everything. And it’s bad. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart feeling as though it’s going to jump out of my chest. Or, I’ll watch a youtube video or see something on tv in which someone is discussing a sickness or medical condition and I’ll instantly think that I’m suffering from the same condition.

I know that a large part of this has to do with the stresses presently in my life. But, minimizing them isn’t really an option right now. I went to the grocery store a few nights back – it was around 9:00 pm and all I needed to do was run in and grab some almond milk. When I got to the grocery store I sat in the vehicle and cried. I cried for close to twenty minutes because I couldn’t get up the courage to even go in the grocery store… at night… when it was, for the most part, empty. I ended up not even going in the grocery store. I couldn’t bear it.

So, when Sarah and I sat down and had a conversation about anxiety, it was really helpful to me. It was… comforting in a way. I didn’t find it comforting that she’s struggling like I am. I just found it comforting that she know’s what I’m going through.

Sarah lost her mom to cancer a few years back. So, in December when my mom received her diagnosis, the triggers came back for her. She felt like history was repeating itself and she couldn’t deal. She’s a lot like me in that sense. Sometimes, the feelings are just too much to get past on your own.

Weirdly enough, with all of the anxiety medications there are out there, we’ve both been prescribed the same medication. Where I’m struggling with this medication is that I’m seeing some very serious side effects of the medication that are scaring me and making me not want to take it. I’m talking side-effects beyond the headaches, tiredness or blurred vision. She told me that it was two months of adjustments before her body actually became used to medication. And, when I asked the doctor, he told me that it would be seven days and that I should just bear it.

I don’t want to bear it, though. I don’t. So it’s been a real catch-22 for me. Try to adjust to something that could benefit me in the long run, and suffer the consequences during the adjustment period, or, don’t take anything because the doctor told me he wouldn’t prescribe me anything else at this time.

Yes, I can go find another doctor. I can, and I plan to. But, it’s just frustrating when you feel as though you’re in such a fragile state that you have to deal with them not believing you when you explain side-effects.

I mentioned to Sarah that when I finally admitted to the doctor about my anxiety, he immediately proclaimed that I was depressed and that he believed I am suicidal. When I told the doctor that I was not depressed and that I was suffering from anxiety, he said ‘No, Miss, you are depressed’. Sarah mentioned they did that to her as well. Almost as though, the doctors are believing more and more these days that anxiety and depression have to go hand-in-hand and you can’t have one without the other. Which, if you are someone who is suffering, whether it from anxiety or depression or any other form of mental illness, is not something you want to deal with. Finally being able to admit your problems, only to have someone tell you that your problem is something else is exceptionally disheartening. It’s like… you work up all of this courage to speak to a doctor and they just shut you down and tell you that you don’t know what’s going on in your own head, or with your own body.

I’m seeing a shrink next week. It was mandated by my doctor. Which, I am actually fine with doing because I’ve been thinking about talking to a shrink for a while. My only issue with it was this shrink that he’s sending me to see is someone who specializes in depression in youth, and suicide prevention.

And again, to reiterate, I am not suicidal. He still doesn’t believe me though.

I want to be alright again. I want life to calm down. But, talking to Sarah helped me to realize that in the mean time, being able to admit to where I’m at is a good thing. And that anxiety does not a one-size-fits-all solution.

*Smooth transition into a different subject

I recently purchased some apple cider vinegar and have been taking one table spoon per day. I’m hoping that it might help with my adult-acne, but I’ve also been reading that it can provide some other pretty awesome benefits too.

It tastes horrible though. It’s so bitter and disgusting. Well, it’s worth a try, right?

24 thoughts on “Apple cider vinegar and fear of admitting the truth.

  1. My mom used to mix her tablespoon of apple cider vinegar into a bottle of water with some honey to make it more like a juice situation. Give it a shot?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been taking a spoonful of apple cider vinegar and then immediately chugging from my water bottle in hopes of washing the bitterness away quicker. Haha

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ♡ Thank you for Courageously sharing and serving with your harrowing experiences SupaSoulSis; what I AM about to share is My Views Only and it is Crystal Clear Clarity that it’s NOT!!! Obligatory to Listen let alone Accept and/or Agree




    ◇ I Totally Accept that WithOut “Depression” there is Next to No “Anxiety”; it’s So Blessed that I had a Psychologist who is Multi-Talented and UnInterested in “medication”…it was Compassionately Explained to Me by Her that “Anxiety” is a Consequence of “Depression”; that without “Depression” there is Little to No “Anxiety”…so We Agreed to Address the “Depression” First through Counselling and then the “Anxiety”; it’s Crystal Clear Clarity that My Parents were Pretty Brutal when it came to Discipline which “Depressed” Me, so Decades later I was STILL!!! “Anxious” about Them Dragging Me Out of Bed and Giving Me a BEATING!!! even though I was in My Own Home



  4. ♡ It’s a Very Special Skill to Counsel an MMHI (Multiple Mental Health Issues) Client EveryOne; most Mental Health Professionals Focus on One Area Only…after Years of Referring Me My GP and I Now Counsel Each Other; it’s Crystal Clear Clarity that Words Hold ALL The Power for War or Peace…whether it be Couples, Groups (like Teams, Gangs et al) or Nation States; it’s So Good to Have Got My Head Right by Returning to The Purity of Our Childlike State along with ALL of My ‘Grown Up’ Experience…there is Healing to Be Had; the Healing Starts with You Asking SomeOne to Hold Healing Space while You Remember How to Heal YourSelf



    1. Thank you for all of the comments you left me yesterday. And, while I know you weren’t looking for it, I’m very sorry for what you went through growing up.

      I definitely believe that there can/probably are some deep rooted issues for me, and your comments yesterday helped me to realize that.

      You’re a beautiful soul. I hope you know that.


      1. ♡ You ARE Most Welcome SupaSoulSis and Thank You For Sharing with Your kind, supportive, inspirational, Searingly Insightful Words; it’s a Pleasure to Serve, Stay Strong and Serene…I Am Therefore I THINK!!! Sum Ergo Cognito, I Am; We Are One Who Are Many rather than Many Who Are One, It Is Time for Appreciation of Darkness and Divinity Within Bringing Both Tolerance and Understanding of Psychological Healing and Evolutionary Growth EveryOne especially Rediscovering The Purity of Our Childlike State and Watching in Wonder as Our Creative/Business Practices and Personal Relationships Flourish along with Our Refreshed Curiosity as We Innovate and Co-Create Together



  5. Do you know what hypochondria is? If you don’t, look it up.

    Also, you’re a very good writer. I hope everything goes well for you.

    One last thing, do you know if apple cider vinegar is good for depression?


    1. I do know what hypochondria is. I can admit that I definitely have mild hypochondria. It’s moreso based on the fact that I’ve had a mysterious illness for the past year and a half that no one has been able to diagnose. That being said, I know it’s not healthy to imagine myself with all of these diseases.

      Thank you for your kind comment. I really appreciate it.

      With respect to Apple Cider Vinegar, I did a few hours of researching the other night about it and honestly, different people say different things about it. Some say it helps because it releases iron into your blood which helps control depression, others say it plays no role. I’m obviously not a doctor, and it’s google, so I take it all with a grain of salt. Ya know?


      1. Maybe I am low in iron than, but probably not. My blood tests always come back “perfect.” … Just trying to “figure out” why I’m depressed and if there is a remedy I could use.
        Thanks for the reply!


  6. I know its scary, but being honest with people about my anxiety is one of the best things I’ve ever done. It’s amazing (and a bit sad) how many people struggle with the same thing. But it’s the only way you realize you’re not alone. Unfortunately, some people will scoff and doubt you, but all you can do is shrug them off. Just like you can’t explain a broken bone to someone who’s never broken a bone, you can’t explain anxiety or depression to someone who hasn’t experienced it.
    The medication trial and error is far too real. It took me 6-8 different pills and about 15 years to find something that works for me. My husband as at the beginning of this journey now and it’s so hard watching him go through it. Just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I think the most important part of finding a medication that works is having consistency with your doctor and therapist AND using other forms of therapy in conjunction with that drug. For me, it’s EMDR therapy, regular use of a diffuser, calming classical music, and my writing.
    Good luck to you!


  7. My heart goes out to you V and Sara and others like you, who have anxiety or depression or whatever name docs choose to give. How I wish I could download my thoughts and learnings into you.
    Opposites co exist. Law of Polarity.
    Life is very simple at one end of the pole. And extremely complex at the other end.
    For me : God is simple. Everything else is complex.
    Meditation- Single cure for all human suffering.
    Our thoughts do create our reality my dear.
    I do hope the Apple cider works for you. There is only One Source of healing and that is Him. I have good relationship with Him and shall pray for you. And shall keep you in my healing prayers and shall also pray that you get a good and fulfilling job soon.
    I had written Intention and Uncertainty blog specifically for you 😊
    And glad to know that you use almond milk 😊
    This phase of yours will soon be history… nothing lasts …


  8. Thank you for sharing. I’ve struggled with anxiety since always, and it’s nice to read that someone is going through the same issues as me. I hope you find the right balance for you.


  9. Thank you for sharing your story. I have a similar history of being erroneously diagnosed with depression. My mother persuaded the doctors that I was withdrawn, well duh! Who wouldn’t avoid a drug addict who is prone to random bouts of rage and violence??? (I did develop depression once I went to college, but was NOT clinically depressed in high school.) I didn’t realize my sleep issues were from anxiety and went through a brutal litany of knock-you-out drugs that couldn’t knock me out and left me feeling more tired than a non-medicated night without sleep. I was so sleep deprived that I started hallucinating and sobbing uncontrollably. Once I finally realized it was anxiety I had the power to SEE when it was anxiety keeping me awake and better utilize tools of distraction. Just being able to say “I am anxious right now,” gives you so much power, and helps people around you understand why you may be acting crazy haha. I also got prescribed an as needed benzo that I save for the worst nights (and lightning storms and the dentist haha).

    I wish you much luck on your journey. The medication is tough. I know first line is usually SSRIs and even though Zoloft knocked my anxiety out completely I couldn’t tolerate it because… side effects.


  10. When I was young every psychiatrist I saw denied that I have anxiety. My anxiety is crippling at times. Even still. That’s the thing about chronic illnesses… relapses are bound to happen even when we’re doing everything right. It sucks bad! I’m sorry you’re suffering so much!! ♥ I’d give you a hug if I could. So, consider yourself hugged by an internet stranger who thinks you’re pretty awesome.

    My diagnosis has changed many times over the years. They denied bipolar d/o thinking I have recurrent major depressive episodes with a borderline personality disorder. When they finally saw ALL of my symptoms several years later, a more realistic diagnosis came about. No more depression, no more personality disorders. I was accurately diagnosed with bipolar I d/o, PTSD and an eating disorder. It took many, many years for any psychiatrist to give creedance at all to the anxiety symptoms I had.

    My info is a little outdated, perhaps things have changed? When I was working in the field, my boss (a licensed therapist), always said that anxiety and depression usually don’t go together. Anxiety is more prevalent with PTSD, in fact it’s one of the chief symptoms.

    Another personal note… you know I can’t resist! 🙂 ♥ About 9 years ago now, I had a mini stroke, a TIA for the technical term. At the same time, a few weeks later, my mother went into congestive heart failure, started kidney dialysis and I watched her heart stop on an ER table. This alone gave me serious PTSD! I was constantly afraid that I was going to die, my mom was going to die. I had the same panic attack driving home from work on the same day of the week for ages. I started having panic attacks that mimicked stroke symptoms. I started getting sick all the time. It was awful!!! Many days I couldn’t leave my house. I’d call into work sick at the last minute because I was too afraid to leave. I also got places I wanted to be and couldn’t get out of the car. These are all so familiar. It was a combination of all these things which led to me not being able to work. At the time, it was awful! My literal financial survival was jeapordized. My work history tanked. It wound up being the best thing that EVER happened to me. I couldn’t function. I had to get the correct therapy to deal with all the underlying issues that had been simmering for a lifetime. I didn’t think I’d make it through!!! I held on for dear life many days, not because I was suicidal, but because the pain and fear of what I was walking through was overwhelming.

    I had many good therapists along the way when I was young, I mean in my late teens and early 20s, who wanted to do the work with me. I was too afraid to look at any of it. I’ve battled demons all my life that I don’t battle anymore. I’ve put them to rest. I wish I’d done it sooner! I believe part of my experiences in life are so that I can share my wisdom, knowledge, experience with others so maybe it doesn’t have to be so hard…. or at least be a ray of hope that it can and DOES get better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Comments like this are really overwhelming to me because I can see just how much kindness and sincerity and thought went into sitting down and writing this.

      Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story, for trying to make me feel better. It means a lot. So much, actually. The fact that a stranger cares as much as you do.

      Sending you a hug from afar and hoping I can dump my demons soon.

      Liked by 1 person

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