I have had anxiety since before I even knew what it was. I remember being 10, 11, 12 years old and laying in bed at night worrying about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I used to put music on all night long, so that while I was laying there, not sleeping, as an adolescent, I would have something to hopefully distract my mind.
When I finally learned what anxiety was, I became afraid to tell anyone what I was dealing with because I feared the fear itself, and I feared talking about it.
To this day, I’ve only really told three people in my life about my anxiety, and one of them just learned about it two nights ago. My sister-in-law and I had a much needed discussion about anxiety, what it’s like and how we’re very similar in a lot of days.
For a very long time, I really had my anxiety controlled. Things were going well, I felt as though I kept myself busy and I was working towards a future. As such, I didn’t have enough time to worry.
Lately, though, lately I seem to worry about everything. And it’s bad. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart feeling as though it’s going to jump out of my chest. Or, I’ll watch a youtube video or see something on tv in which someone is discussing a sickness or medical condition and I’ll instantly think that I’m suffering from the same condition.
I know that a large part of this has to do with the stresses presently in my life. But, minimizing them isn’t really an option right now. I went to the grocery store a few nights back – it was around 9:00 pm and all I needed to do was run in and grab some almond milk. When I got to the grocery store I sat in the vehicle and cried. I cried for close to twenty minutes because I couldn’t get up the courage to even go in the grocery store… at night… when it was, for the most part, empty. I ended up not even going in the grocery store. I couldn’t bear it.
So, when Sarah and I sat down and had a conversation about anxiety, it was really helpful to me. It was… comforting in a way. I didn’t find it comforting that she’s struggling like I am. I just found it comforting that she know’s what I’m going through.
Sarah lost her mom to cancer a few years back. So, in December when my mom received her diagnosis, the triggers came back for her. She felt like history was repeating itself and she couldn’t deal. She’s a lot like me in that sense. Sometimes, the feelings are just too much to get past on your own.
Weirdly enough, with all of the anxiety medications there are out there, we’ve both been prescribed the same medication. Where I’m struggling with this medication is that I’m seeing some very serious side effects of the medication that are scaring me and making me not want to take it. I’m talking side-effects beyond the headaches, tiredness or blurred vision. She told me that it was two months of adjustments before her body actually became used to medication. And, when I asked the doctor, he told me that it would be seven days and that I should just bear it.
I don’t want to bear it, though. I don’t. So it’s been a real catch-22 for me. Try to adjust to something that could benefit me in the long run, and suffer the consequences during the adjustment period, or, don’t take anything because the doctor told me he wouldn’t prescribe me anything else at this time.
Yes, I can go find another doctor. I can, and I plan to. But, it’s just frustrating when you feel as though you’re in such a fragile state that you have to deal with them not believing you when you explain side-effects.
I mentioned to Sarah that when I finally admitted to the doctor about my anxiety, he immediately proclaimed that I was depressed and that he believed I am suicidal. When I told the doctor that I was not depressed and that I was suffering from anxiety, he said ‘No, Miss, you are depressed’. Sarah mentioned they did that to her as well. Almost as though, the doctors are believing more and more these days that anxiety and depression have to go hand-in-hand and you can’t have one without the other. Which, if you are someone who is suffering, whether it from anxiety or depression or any other form of mental illness, is not something you want to deal with. Finally being able to admit your problems, only to have someone tell you that your problem is something else is exceptionally disheartening. It’s like… you work up all of this courage to speak to a doctor and they just shut you down and tell you that you don’t know what’s going on in your own head, or with your own body.
I’m seeing a shrink next week. It was mandated by my doctor. Which, I am actually fine with doing because I’ve been thinking about talking to a shrink for a while. My only issue with it was this shrink that he’s sending me to see is someone who specializes in depression in youth, and suicide prevention.
And again, to reiterate, I am not suicidal. He still doesn’t believe me though.
I want to be alright again. I want life to calm down. But, talking to Sarah helped me to realize that in the mean time, being able to admit to where I’m at is a good thing. And that anxiety does not a one-size-fits-all solution.
*Smooth transition into a different subject
I recently purchased some apple cider vinegar and have been taking one table spoon per day. I’m hoping that it might help with my adult-acne, but I’ve also been reading that it can provide some other pretty awesome benefits too.
It tastes horrible though. It’s so bitter and disgusting. Well, it’s worth a try, right?