July 17, 2019 – As I ramble on.

Lately I’ve been realizing just how much the weather affects my mood. At what felt like the height of my struggles earlier this year, we went for a period of nearly a month in which temperatures outside were -30 degrees Celsius or below. It was difficult to go outside for more than a few seconds without feeling physical pain from the cold.

The past few weeks have been exceptionally trying. And, as I stare outside at the pouring rain, for the seventeenth day in a row, I know that this weather isn’t causing my issues, but it’s definitely contributing to my mood being so much worse. We’ve had an exceptionally cold, wet, rain-filled summer thus far… if you even want to call it a summer. It feels more like fall, to be totally honest.

Keeping with that theme of being totally honest, I’m scared about the future. More distinctly, I’m scared that I don’t have a future. I’m scared that I’ll never amount to anything, that this hamster wheel I’m spinning in will continue for the rest of my life.

Last time I went for lunch with Knight, his sister and his sister’s family, she explained how I’m feeling in a more accurate when then I’ve ever been able to put into words.

“It’s hard,” she said. “You want so badly to know that things are going to work out and that everything’s going to be okay, but the universe doesn’t tell you when that’s going to happen. It would be so nice if you could just know a day, a time to expect it. A time so that you wouldn’t have to worry so much and you could just focus on getting through to that day. But that’s not how the world works.”

In a nutshell, that’s really it. The worst part of being in this situation is not knowing how, or when everything’s going to work out. Or even if everything’s going to work out. I wan’t so badly to know, but I really don’t have the answers… just a lot of questions.

I’m taking it one day at a time. Or, at least I am trying. And I’m trying to stay positive… I really am. Today, it’s a positive that… yeah, I started writing this four hours ago and I’ve been thinking about it since then and I’m having a hard time. I’m thankful for the things that I have in my life, I really am. I’m thankful for the people I have in my life. Honestly, it saves my sanity that I get to talk to Knight every night before he goes to bed. I guess I’m just struggling to be positive right now. I think it’s important to note that you can be thankful and grateful for what you have while still having a hard time being happy.

I think that’s a huge misconception about mental illness. People who don’t understand it will say things like ‘But your life is so great’ or ‘You have so much’. I do have a lot and I am very grateful for what I have. Having good things in your life doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to feel down, sad or upset sometimes. I’m getting off topic.

Positives. Positives. Try to stay positive, self. You can do this. You can see the good in the world, even when it feels like things are crashing down around you.

I really need a little bit of sunshine in my life today. I feel so needy and lousy saying that. But my oh my… universe… if there’s a sign you can send, I’m ready for it.

25 thoughts on “July 17, 2019 – As I ramble on.

      1. Ahhhh, I’ve heard Texas summers are pretty awesome. I’d love some heat to be able to wear shorts and flip flops for a change.

        Like

      1. I can’t even imagine what I’d do at 114. That’s… I just looked that up. That’s 45 celsius. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that heat before. What if I melted? haha. Seriously though, how do you not melt?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s almost every day here. The highest I’ve experienced here was in the early 90s (year) and that was 122. News media was frying eggs on sidewalks. I would not even go out to get in my pool. We’ve gotten close, 117, 118
        Everything here is air conditioned. Hot weather is only a small part of the year. May through end of September. Rest of year is beautiful! We are one of the fastest growing areas of the country. Go figure

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I know Vegas is a little different from Arizona but I went to Vegas last year, in November. It was -24 when I flew out of Calgary and it was +22 in Vegas (71 fahrenheit), people in Vegas were walking around in down coats and winter boots and us three Canadians were like ‘heck yeah, it’s summer!!!’.

        I think if I lived somewhere like Arizona I would need air conditioning. It’s not really a thing up here. But, it’s July 18th and we’re going on our 18th day of rain. We’ve also only recieved one day so far since July 1 in which we’ve gotten 20 degrees (68 fahrenheit). Every other day it’s been colder than that. It sucks when it’s ‘summer’ and we have to put pants and a sweatshirt on to go outside. Ya know? I’ll trade you for your pool!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I can totally relate to weather affecting mood…when we have gloomy mornings here in June I get bad headaches and feel kind of down. When the sun comes out I feel better.
    The not knowing in life is hard…maybe it’s because I’m a control freak 😅
    Keep taking it one day at a time…and ramble all you want…you’ve got friends here who will gladly listen ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’re a good soul. Thank, G ❤ For always bringing a smile to my face. I'm a bit of a control freak too.Who am I kidding? I'm a huge control freak. So I know how you feel.

      Like

  2. “I think it’s important to note that you can be thankful and grateful for what you have while still having a hard time being happy.”
    No truer words have been written!! I think something I’ve learned is that sometimes I need to “sit with” my emotions in order to process thru them. Obviously this is a tough time for you, I totally get that, but it’s also understandable to be experiencing all the feelings that you are. From what I’ve read on here lately, it seems like you’re doing everything in your power to work things out. Give yourself credit for that. Sit in that feeling for a while and realize that you are doing your best and that’s all you can do.
    I know that’s not an answer, but a lot of times I’ve found that taking a moment to give myself a pat on the back just for not completely giving up when sh!t hits the fan is a good start to whatever the next step may be.
    Sending good vibes your way!! 💖💖💖

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Reading this absolutely made me tear up because it’s so heartfelt and genuine and just what I needed to read tonight. Thank you for your kindness and sincerity. I truly don’t deserve it but I am so thankful there are people like you in this world.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Trying my hardest to send some Spanish sunshine to you. The weather impacts me too and the Scottish weather is often horrendous so I think I should emigrate! Sorry I’m just catching up on everything. 🌟

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s