I dread the night’s most.

Lately I’m finding that when the day winds down and everyone goes to bed for the night, that’s when my anxiety takes over. Swallowing every ounce of what’s good about my mood and my being, I turn into a twisted knot of explosive fear and delirious sadness.

I tried to stay positive about the world this week, I really did. I made a conscious effort every day to try and see the good in what was happening. The good was there. There was good in my life and I did see it. The problem was, the negatives seemed to swallow me whole.

I’m scared that I’m going to make the wrong decisions, do the wrong things or say something that cannot be taken back. I’m scared that I’ll never feel like myself again. As much as I can give myself pep-talks that fear doesn’t really seem to fade these days. Coping techniques help, for a little while. It always comes back though, seemingly stronger than before.

It’s a vicious hamster wheel I’m spinning in.

28 thoughts on “I dread the night’s most.

      1. Same here. Yes I’m sorry too for what’s going on, it definitely is horrible. Sending lots of love and positivity your way. I don’t know if you believe in such things but I read about Mercury going into retrograde! Maybe that! Hope it gets better 😀 Cheers !

        Liked by 2 people

      1. Haha! It’s related to astrology. Mercury the planet changes its direction, that is called as mercury retrograde. It usually has a lot of ill effects on people. People experience depression, relationships issues, communication issues, financial troubles etc. I don’t know much in details, but yea that’s the gist of it.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Have you tried taking melatonin? It’s an over the counter supplement. It’s what our bodies produce to help us start relaxing in order to go to sleep. The supplement kinda gives it an extra boost. It’s really helped me during times like this.
    Coloring has helped lately too. Kinda helps me keep my mind concentrated on one thing in a relaxing way. I usually have the tv on in the background as noise to help drown out any distracting thoughts.
    Sending peaceful and restful vibes your way! 🤗🤗🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the suggestion. I’m very familiar with melatonin, sadly. They tell you not to take it for more than 30 days because if you take it long enough, it starts to just… not work on you. Your body builds up a tolerance. I took it for like six months before I clued in that it was really not helping me anymore.

      Colouring is something that I love. Maybe I’ll go buy one of those adult colouring books tomorrow. It’ll be better for me to use a coluring book than my computer screen at night. That’s a good idea. Thank You.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve been having sleeping issues lately too. My psych dr suggested I try turning off anything with a screen an hour before bed. It hasn’t been easy, but it makes sense.
        I just got a sobriety (with swear words) coloring book from amazon. Lol!! It’s fun and motivating for me. 🤓🤓🤓 I’ve kicked up my reading before bed too and that’s helped too.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. I read it through. Thank you so much for everything you said. It really helps me to feel a little less alone. I really appreciated your wisdom as well. You seem like someone who’s been there, done that and has a lot that I could learn from.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Likewise thank you for inspiring me to get the process started on a little HR writing. I need to work that skill and you helped me start the ball rolling. I’ve been wanting to do a whole series called “Confessions of an HR Recruiter” but my ass is lazy and it’s more fun to write about rock music. =)

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  2. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. ☹️ But it’s cool you’re sharing your thoughts because your have people on this thread that care for you. This is what I love about the blogging community, people that feel the same can reach out to others and try to be there for support. 👍🏾

    Liked by 3 people

    1. The blogging community of this website is a pretty incredible collection of souls from around the world. I certainly appreciate them. That’s for certain.

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  3. V, while in treatment they discussed this very thing. One thing I remember about help to fall asleep was this, a Tuna sandwich. It has the same chemical like Turkey.
    I’ve done it and it works.
    I understand where you are coming from, my brain races. I am on a sleeping pill to get my brain to quit.
    Will be thinking of you!

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  4. You may not be open to this, but can I tell you my story?
    I self medicated for YEARS with first, alcohol and marijuana, stepped up to opiate pain killers, then benzodiazapines like Valium, Xanax, until I finally sunk all the way down to iv heroine. I never fully got away from irrational fears and anxiety. I had to get clean or I was going to die, so I did, but the anxiety was still there. Not quite as intense simply I was no longer afraid to o.d., no longer afraid that I wasn’t going to wake up yet afraid to wake up to withdrawals, but the core anxiety didn’t go away.
    I finally had enough. I turned to God, found 1 Peter 5:7 which tells us to cast all of our anxieties on Him because He cares for us. I got on my knees and fully surrendered to His will. I use that scripture as a mantra. After that day I can sleep, I can go to grocery shopping by myself, I can sit in silence, I can even listen to my own thoughts. When fear and anxiety rear their ugly heads, I pick up my Bible if it’s handy. If it’s not, I can pray my way through it and it passes. If you haven’t yet tried this and want more, contact me.
    I’ll be praying for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Firstly, I love it when people share with me. You should always feel like you can share with me.

      I’m sorry for what you went through. I can’t imagine what that was like. Thankfully, I’ve never had to deal with additions of that severity. It must have been exceptionally difficult and exhausting to overcome.

      I’m happy that you found your outlet to really help you through your anxiety. Honestly, when you say you can go grocery shopping by yourself, that really resonates with me too. It’s something so small but it’s something I struggle with.

      I’m happy to hear there’s a way out of the struggles. I look forward to a day when I can myself feel the same way and I thank you for sharing your story with me. It motivates me. It really does.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It’s definitely a cathartic release to write everything down rather than keeping it in my head. Thank you for your sweet comment.

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  5. It’s nice to hear from others. I have taken meds off and on, I definitely have to take to sleep. I take the generic form of zoloft, i think- i can’t remember it’s been working for 2 yrs and I haven’t had to increase the dose. usually the body adapts and one has to switch, or it’s common, and that is my experience. Vibryd is really hard on my stomach (i have a hiatal hernia) but if i could i would take THAT. its a combination of meds that target depression AND anxiety, instead of the standard anti depressant that is given for both depression/anxiety. Anyways, i used to do gobs of adult coloring, I stopped then some1 gave me many books and I came up with a craft to do to upcycle the adult colored pages while increasing mindfulness. I have found this practice helping me to not dwell and grow my upsetting issues that will keep me up and night and give me disturbing emotional dreams. I’m a morning person i hate nights and we have long winters here which i got suicidal last year so I’M DOUBLING UP MY HABITS THIS YEAR to prevent that. i’m not going to be a victim of a health issue and bad experiences. thanks for posting b/c its nice to know this is a commonality not just me a big wierdo ha ha

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You sound like a really strong and meaningful human being. Thanks for your info about sleeping pills. I haven’t gone down that road yet, but I think I might try that soon. I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.

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