I’m tired.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of painting a smile on my face. I’m tired of rejection. I’m tired of trying to explain who I am to people I’ve known my whole life. I’m tired of trying to be a neutral party when one side is so clearly out of line.

I’m tired of everything that I say being wrong. I’m tired of everything that I do not being enough. I’m tired of ending up on the losing end of every discussion. I’m just tired of talking. I’m tired of consistently falling short of everyone’s expectations. If they don’t know me, why do they get to have expectations of me?

I’m tired of considering their feelings when they never consider mine. I’m tired of being told there’s nothing wrong with me, that I’m just making it up. I’m tired of hearing ‘you’re not anxious, you’re just overdramatic’. I’m tired of being told ‘just cheer up’.

I’m so tired of being constantly watched. I don’t need to be inspected and I definitely don’t want my every move, my every action judged. I would love it if people could just let me be… leave me alone…

I’m tired of people taking advantage of me. I’m tired of everyone always wanting help from me but never wanting to help me.

I’m just tired.

84 thoughts on “I’m tired.

  1. That’s truly a tough place to be.
    I struggle with this as well and I’m trying to learn to build some healthy boundaries. It’s not always successful, but I’d like to think there is some progress. Maybe this might be something for you to consider…?

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    1. I’ve tried. Sadly, there’s no negotiating with some people. Sadly, the only thing I can do with them is just avoid them. It’s not a way to live, but trying to set boundaries with people who think you’re doing them wrong by putting up boundaries is… taxing.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I know what it’s like to feel that way! No you’re not over dramatic and no don’t cheer up. You need to accept all your emotions not mask them with fake smiles and laughter. Accept your emotions, give yourself a chance to feel them, address them. Take a break from all these people, give yourself a couple days of solitude, and most importantly give yourself time to heal. You’ve done enough for others, living up to their expectations, pleasing them, now do it for yourself. You can’t pour from and empty cup. Sending you lots of love and positivity. I hope you feel better and more and more understanding people surround you. Have a great day! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your positivity. I think I’m going to stop trying to pour from the empty cup. And, for the time being, blogging seems to help. Your kindness means a lot to me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I honestly feel like I have to pretend like I’m happy all the time or tell people “I’m fine” but in reality I’m not okay. It has gotten to the point that I’M TIRED of feeling this way.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I relate so much to your frustration, to the point I felt a little emotional just reading your words. This life can be quite exhausting because of the people who exist within our reality. Like leeches, they relentlessly take but never give back in return. At times, everything seems so one-sided and stacked against you. Not to mention those platitudes you mentioned. I won’t say I know exactly how you feel, because our experiences are different, but I’ve been there.

    People — not even those who you grow up with — can ever have a true understanding of who you are. And they will always find fault with you and somehow you’ll end up failing their expectations. But that’s on them. Never is it on you. And I do hope you’ll be able to find some peace and quiet, away from those people who make you feel this way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your second paragraph really struck with me tonight as I read this. People really don’t ever have a true understanding, do they? I think I’m going to need to try harder to understand that’s not my own fault.

      Thank you for your kindness. I don’t deserve it, but I really appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. People are often limited by their own perceptions and beliefs, therefore they can never accept nor understand the entirety of who you are. That’s just the way it is, and you should never feel bad about their shortcomings.

        I’m glad you were encouraged and you do deserve kindness. No matter how you may feel, you deserve to be understood and appreciated for who you are 💖

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I can relate for what its worth. I don’t recommend the extreme, but I did the extreme where I don’t get close to many people anymore. Even a small rejection triggers. I have very poor social skills with adults, unless they are tolerant and okay with discussions and my tone of voice. I am working on it still. I can’t relate to my peers whatsoever at 52 haha. Are you an introvert? When I found out I was an introvert it explained why i need a LOT of time alone. Even though I am outgoing, its exhausting, so I have to recoup. I also need lots of reassurance from friends I DO have, no matter how long they have been friends. I don’t know if you have NAMI there, we don’t bc our town is so small. I don’t blame you for being tired one bit

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am an introvert through and through. I’ve always been that way and I come from a big family that never seems to leave me alone.

      I’m not really sure what NAMI is, but I thank you for your perspective. It’s nice to hear that I’m not alone in how I feel and that my age has nothing to do with it. My mom just seems to think I’m a whiny, lazy millennial.

      Thanks for your note. I really appreciated reading it tonight.

      Like

  5. Oh V…I am sorry you in a tough place right now…I have been there and experienced those feelings. All I can think is maybe it’s time to do something for yourself again. Take another trip, do whatever it is that energizes your soul. Take care of yourself please. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Been there. Boundaries are the key. ♥ Not easy, but essential. Ultimately, I had to let go of most of the people in my life. There was so much toxicity with no willingness/ability to change and honor appropriate boundaries that I had to leave my entire family behind and the vast majority of my friends in order to start again where I was in a safe place. It was hard to learn that alone is better than being hurt. Sorry you’re hurting, Honey. ♥ Growing and changing is exhausting and painful. Be gentle with yourself! Remember the ONLY Person you have to be nice to is YOU!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Unfortunately for me, it seems like it’d be letting go of my family. And I’ don’t know if I’m prepared to do that. Thank you for being your sweet, kind and wonderful self once again. I’ll try to be a little nicer to myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome. ♥ The hardest part for me was getting a voice and being able to assert my wants and needs. I had to let go of my entire family eventually. By time I did, it didn’t hurt.

        In the earlier days, I found that limiting my time with them was extremely helpful. I’d also bring along a “safe” friend to help keep things in balance and support me in maintaining my boundaries… sometimes it meant leaving when I was getting uncomfortable. For many years, I had to pick and choose if and when to spend time with my family. My mom was one of the most toxic members of my family. After she passed away (5 years ago) I had to let go of the rest of my family. They were hurtful and disrespectful. My boundaries were meaningless to them.

        There are times it’s hard. It was really hard around the holidays the first couple of years. Ultimately, I find it easier because I might have been lonely at times, but I wasn’t hurt by spending time where I didn’t feel wanted and safe.

        The journey to having a full and balanced life is really difficult!!! Build people into your life who love you and support you no matter what. Best advice I can give. ♥

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you so much for sharing how you’re feeling, V. As others having gently reassured you: it’s OK to be tired of much of what currently passes for normal human behavior. And you’re certainly not alone in feeling that way.

    I hope you can feel it, but I sense a huge wave of warmth, healing, sharing in these responses. Maybe we’re having a wonderful virtual hug here!

    This might also help: if you have a particular person or situation you’d like to distance yourself from try this visualisation: https://soundcloud.com/conscious_evolution_today/cutting-the-ties

    Time to put yourself first.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ve definitely been feeling the wave of warmth in reading this comments section tonight. Thank you for your note, and I’ll do what I can to put myself first.

      Unrelated – I cannot find a “Follow” button on your page. Where is your follow button?

      Like

    1. Your succint messaging is exactly what I needed, and wanted to read tonight. Thank you for putting a smile on my pace, even if it was just for a few seconds. Sending you love back ❤ You're a wonderful soul for trying to cheer up a stranger.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I sympathize with this and I really do hope you get to a place where you aren’t forced to end up feeling like this. I’m in the process of trying to figure out how/where/when to set boundaries myself and more often than not I feel like I’m perceived as this overdramatic mental case when that’s not what I was trying to articulate. It’s really frustrating, and even more disappointing when the people making you feel that way are those that at some point you felt should understand a little more and be there for you, or willing to be, as you have been for them. I haven’t found my magical answers/solutions yet but…I’m positive if we keep trying we’ll eventually get there. ((((HUGS)))) We can do this, even if it takes us a little longer to figure out how to make it happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We can do this. Damn right we can. One day at a time, I’m determined to be less sad tomorrow than I was today. I’m determined to make tomorrow a little less awful. I hope you are too.

      Thank you for your note and I’m really sorry that you know what I’m going through. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Maybe you should take some time to yourself. I mean, serious time where you’re forced to reflect and consider what would bring you the most amount of peace. If you are worried about things you cannot control, relinquish them. If you are thinking about things that don’t have answers, stop. You have to make a decision to be happy. You have to make a decision to be happy and remain kind and considerate of those who may not understand what you’re doing. You are given one shot, my dear. Do not waste it thinking or living for somebody else. It is as simple and as complex as it sounds.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You seem very wise. Thank you for your note and for motivating me tonight. I’m hoping tomorrow gets a little easier than today was. And so on and so forth. There’s a lot that I cannot control right now, and that scares the heck out of me. I guess i just need to deal with that, though.

      Thank you for reading and for sharing. Your kindness towards a total stranger shows what a nice soul you are and I appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope every day becomes easier than the last.

        Be patient with yourself. All will be well with time. I don’t believe that any soul is burdened with more than it can handle.

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  10. I am relly-really sorry you feel this way! I can assure and reassure you, that you do not owe anything to anybody – you do not have to put a smile on your face unless you want. You do not have to leverage to anybody’s expectations. You do not have to subject yourself to anybody’s judgments. And guess what: I know that it’s not enough just to KNOW all these things. You might “know” a million times that you “should not feel this way”, but you can’t always manage your feeling. Especially when it comes to “cheering up”. I jus really hope you will feel better tomorrow! I’ve been telling myself for years, that I should not care what my mom thinks or says about me, but it stiell hurt, until I’ve figured out how NOT TO let myself being hit. I hope you’ll get there and I wish you to get there soon!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. From reading this it sounds like you know a lot of what I’m going through right now. Thank you for your reassurance. I needed it tonight. Hoping when I wake up tomorrow I’ll feel a lot better.

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      1. I hope you are feeling better now! I am half-joking when I am saying that I have a personal story for everything which could happen to anybody. Knowing other people’s stories does not necessarily help a person to cope with their problems, but it often helps the other side to be compassionate and understanding.

        Like

  11. V, I hope you will take this in the spirit I am giving.
    To save your sanity you have to be cruel to be nice. There are times you need to just bluntly say no.
    Then there are those who are constantly acting as leeches. Say no to the drama.
    Also, there are some bridges that cannot be fixed, so burn them.
    You must do things that seem unseemly, but are necessary to keep your peace of mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That sounds incredibly difficult. I know you’re right, but I just don’t know how to put those boundaries around my family without creating a rift I’ve spent so long trying to not let happen. I don’t know, I know you speak with wisdom and I know I should listen I just don’t know what or how or why or…

      Thank you for your wisdom. I will take it to heart.

      Like

      1. I had to create or break from family and friends. They are welcomed back only if they keep within limits. No drama, or trouble making.
        This doesn’t mean we hate them or wish them ill will, it just means that we set boundaries, just like parents sets boundaries with their children.
        I know it is a tough battle, but in the end you will have your sanity and peace within your own spirit and home.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. I don’t have a magic wand to send you to make everything better, but I can send you a cliche!! So far you’ve survived every bad day you’ve ever had. You have the strength to get through this too. Do the best you can to get through the rest of the day and when you wake up tomorrow, you’ll have one more chance to try it all over. Maybe it’ll be better? Maybe not? But you’ve made it this far.
    Sending love and good vibes! 🤗🤗🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Trying to take it one day at a time… hoping when I wake up tomorrow it’ll be a little bit easier.

      Thank you for the love ❤ You're an incredible soul and a constant source of positivity on this blog, when I need it and when I don't. I appreciate it a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I’ve been there. When I am “in the pit of despair,” I usually realize I’m dealing with an empty “cup.” It means I need to feed my soul. I now it may not make sense, but taking time to care for myself heals those dark places.
    I also had to learn how to set boundaries with people for my own sanity.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I definitely have an Empty Cup. Guess I’ll have to learn how to fill it and pronto.

      Thanks for reading and for your comment. It’s nice to hear that someone’s come out of it on the other side. I’ll use that as motivation.

      Like

      1. As others have said, it sounds like learning how to set some healthy boundaries are in order. As an empath, this has been a difficult and on-going lesson for me: to understand where my thoughts, feelings, and responsibilities END; and what belongs to someone else -which means it is not my responsibility.
        For example: what other people think of me, their judgements, and feelings about my life choices are not my responsibility. As long as I come from an honest place, where I stick to my feelings and thought, without judgement or motive toward another person, my interactions are clean and clear. How they chose to perceive, process, or respond to this interaction is not my responsibility. I don’t own their reaction. If they want to be ugly about it, that’s their choice and they have to live with it. I don’t. As long as my motives are clear.
        There are many people (my family is full of them) who are passive-aggressive and want to blame someone else for how they feel, or they aren’t happy, comfortable, whatever; and they need to take “hostages” someone who will sit in their misery with them or can be blamed for “why x in their life” is not working.
        I will be honest with you, it’s taken me YEARS of therapy and 12 steps of Al-Anon to get where I am now…. and my family (especially) can still get to me (occasionally). I am stronger than I was, but there are always new lessons and room for improvement.
        As I said before, a good place to start is filling your cup. Then you are at least on even ground. Seek help with the boundary setting. You will be so glad you did! I promise ❤️. #openandbrave

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Jonny, What’s a digital huge? HAHA! I had to ask. Your comment made me smile when I read that.

      I’m sorry you’re in the same place as me. It’s not something I’d wish on anyone. Sending positivty and light to the universe for you.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I can relate very closely to being tired of hiding your face It is a tough thing to do. I understand your point, I have hidden my face my entire life this last year has been the worst year of pain and mostly the best year of hiding in my entire 65 years, but they blogs that be along when I get there in my blog. The thing is this you have done the first step by sharing this. Now the works start for both of us in taking the experiences one by one and share them & what went wrong & how we would do it different instead of just letting it happen, or doing nothing about it. I also want to thank you for giving me the insight for my first blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and for sharing your perspective. I’m hoping I eventually learn to stop hiding my face. But, for the time being, it’s good to hear that your reading this has given you some motivation to share your story on your blog. I look forward to reading.

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      1. My story is not a happy one, but please follow me and let me know how I can improve my skills. As for me maybe time has come to share from under the mask almost. i pretty sure no one will find me out. I’ve seen a lot of support for you already so I know it took a lot of courage to write what you did, There are many like you and I, that hide the darkness of depression & the fear of anxiety and will hide with weed, beer, or Jack, on end of world Your writing was honest & to the point & That is needed.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t people well either. Thanks for accurately describing it in a way that’s far better than I could have said. Sending some positivity and light your direction.

      Like

  15. Sorry you’re in that place. It’s hard but at times you have to break away and begin doing for YOU. It’s easier said than done but I want you to feel better because sometimes the ones we love hurt and cut us the deepest.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your very wise words. I’m trying to live this way the past few days. It’s tough but at least I’m making the effort. And I appreciate the kindness and sincerity of people like you. ❤

      Like

  16. I know how you feel. I can relate to it so much. I often feel judged. It seems that people want me to be perfect, always happy. Often I still feel that I cannot be my true self around others, because they would not like me then. But I am also tired of pretending to be someone I am not. I think it’s better to focus on people who truly care. Focus on those who love you, understand you and are there for you when you need them. No matter how far you are apart, these people always have time for you. They are the ones who make you feel home, and there is no better place to be.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve had to ‘remove’ people from my life that seem to energy vampires. I always felt like I was treading on egg shells around certain people and they never considered what effect their words could have on other people. I feel better with them out of my life. I’ve slowly learned to put myself and family first and to be more selfish.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry that you can understand this. I really hope you get lots of strength to go through and to get through! Sending positive vibes!

      Like

  18. Your words have the vibe of the famous Fannie Lou Hammer ” I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.People have got to get together and work together. I’m tired of the kind of oppression that white people have inflicted on us and are still trying to inflict.”

    Like

  19. Hmm… I can relate. This happens to me so very often. But I guess we need to accept things and just relax a bit. I wish you all the enthusiasm and the fun 🙂

    Like

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