Sometimes I wonder

~ V

How I wound up in this family.

Yes, they’re my family. I accept them, I appreciate them and I love them.

But, damn… how did I wind up in this family? They’re nothing like me. I couldn’t be farther from the person they want me to be. I couldn’t be farther from someone who fits into this family. Our opinions, our views, or values, our… everything is so vastly different. How did this happen?

This is not a new feeling. It’s been going on my entire life. I think the feeling is just getting harder and harder to deal with.

We’ve been butting heads more and more in the recent weeks. It’s really difficult to wander around all day, every day just trying to keep my mouth shut as a means to prevent fights. I’m so tired of keeping my mouth shut. When someone is so clearly wrong and so blatantly out of line, it’s hard to not say anything.

I just feel as though I try so hard to be considerate towards them and that’s never returned. It’s never returned.

I’m just so tired. Everything seems harder to deal with when you’re just this tired of everyone.

Published by V

Overly sentimental, heel-loathing introvert, problem solver and lover of the night.

42 thoughts on “Sometimes I wonder”

  1. Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
    When I started to have that feeling (of being different from my family) at the age of 15, I knew I had to move out and start an independent life of my own. And globe-trotting ever since, I have never regretted that decision even for a second.

    Liked by 5 people

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    1. I would love to travel the world. Just need to find a means to support myself while doing soo! That would be an incredible life. You must have so many stories.

      Liked by 1 person

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      5. Don’t count on what people say. Trust your own eyes and ears, and watch the movie. If I was near you, I’d have taken you to the nearest theater on your birthday 🙂

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  2. You are not alone in this regard.I understand your point but the solution is to keeping on shutting your mouth.Or when you about to say something, just swish and swallow, swish and swallow three times to avoid talking. Why talk its a waste of time anyway because they are waiting to land their punches on you as soon as you open your mouth.Make sure that you are financial independent so that you will never ask them for help.
    Another thing is keeping them at arm’s length .They will never understand. I am not sure if family case is better than the in-laws.As for the later you will always be guilty of the crimes their son or daughter committed.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Yeah, what I’m working on right now is finding the financial independence. I think once I have that, things will get easier for me. Thanks for your note, you’re absolutely right. It’s not worth my time trying to fight back.

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    2. Thanks for your response. I am glad that you like my comment.
      I later observed my error after the fact.
      I wanted to say “keep on shutting your mouth”.
      Thanks.

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  3. I recall having similar feelings when I lived at home. I did everything I could to achieve independence and succeeded. I know, easy for me to say right? I guess you might find some solace in the work towards independence. You should talk to someone about it though, because if youre storing it up, when it does come out, you’ll have less control over it.

    Good luck, we’re all rooting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Thank you ❤

      The indepdence and financial freedom is what I'm seeking right now. I remember being a lot happier with life when I lived on my own for nearly a decade. Trying to find my way back to that.

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  5. I felt the same way living at home. It wasn’t until I moved out when I truly felt free. External circumstances suck, but try to make the best of it. It’s only temporary and things do change.

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      1. I’ve been told that I’m a bear when I’m upset. I can’t pretend to be OK when I’m not. You don’t have to fake feeling upset – it’s OK to feel disappointment and discontent. Acknowledging these feelings is important to finding ways to cope in healthy ways.

        Living at home can feel a bit suffocating at times. Also, living in Canada does make things harder, so I feel like we are at a disadvantage there. I’m waiting until the housing prices crash… I’m thinking maybe by 2035 they will 🙄 *sigh*

        Liked by 1 person

  6. The truth is; whether in family, amidst friends, or the world in general, there would always be people whose opinion you don’t agree to.
    So would you run each time?
    If you do, you’ll certainly always be on the run.
    Family is one of life’s greatest gift, so be grateful for them and respect the differences you have.
    Thanks

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Oh, I am absolutely grateful for my family. I just find it hard when they shame me for my life choices because my choices don’t align with their beliefs. It’s easier for us to appreciate and be grateful for one another when I’m not leading my life they don’t agree with in front of their eyes. Sometimes distance is a good thing, that’s all.

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  9. I hope you will be able to live on your own in the observable future! As many people commented, that’s the only solution. Be strong and do not waste your mental energy on the causes which are not worth it!

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  10. Thanks for sharing I can relate to this. For me, and I do not know where you are in your own personal life journey, but space is they key. You gotta find a way make physical space between you and your folks. Once I moved out my relationship with my family got much better. while i lived with my family it was hell. you need to be able to be your own person and sometimes its difficult with people who do not see you as your own person always around.

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  11. I definitely relate to this. It’s especially hard because my family raised me with specific beliefs (inclusion, radical kindness, adventure) and then turned around and decided that those were not their values later in life. Even though I know that I turned out to be a great person as a result of the work they put in, being belittled and shunned for doing exactly as they taught me to do is disheartening. It’s also very lonely. I’m an only child, and I wish that I had a supportive, loving, close-knit family, but that will never be the case. I still love them, but there’s so much that we’ll never be able to share because they hate who I am, so I have to just keep my mouth shut and be half a person around them. I’m lucky to have some really great friends, but it will never be the same as being able to curl up with your mom and tell her what’s going on in your life, and have her just know you and understand where you’re coming from, and for her to hold dreams for you in her heart. I try not to feel cheated – everyone has their own path to follow. But it’s tough.

    Liked by 4 people

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    1. I can’t imagine what that would be like for you. That has to be/had to be really tough. I am sorry. For me, my beliefs from my family have always differed. It must’ve been tough feeling like you were learning what they taught you only to have them change their views radically. Hands to you – you must be really strong.

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  12. I’ve been there. But not the fight part. I used to feel that Im not belong to the family and feel different from the rest. Just focus on yourself. Ignore them. Once you get all you have to be independent you can leave them and all the problems. Prove to them and yourself that you can do it. Time will tell who is right who’s wrong. I hope you the best

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  13. Oh yes I’m right with you on this one. My in-laws are like this and I keep my mouth shut for my husbands benefit but gee wiz it’s getting harder all the time. But sometimes I think it takes a stronger person to say nothing and keep the peace than to start an argument. I like to think so anyway. 😉

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    1. It does take a lot of strength to say nothing at all. My parents are wildly conservative people in nature. It kills them that I’m 30 and not married with 5 kids at this stage. Thankfully I’ve only got my parents at this point though. I don’t know what I would do with in-laws! LOL! You must be a very patient soul.

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  15. I have felt the same way with certain family members. It’s so hard not to say anything, especially when they attack you personally. Unfortunately they twist your words and make you out to be the bad guy when you defend yourself. It’s awful and I’m so sorry you’re going through something similar. Families should be able to agree to disagree and not fight over stuff like that, it’s not worth it. It’s hard to be the bigger, better, stronger person, but it sounds like you’re doing a good job so far 🙂

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  16. This is so good my friend. I see why it garnered so much response! I had to add my two cents! Family is one hard pill to swallow for many of us, and obviously you are not alone! Thank you for putting yourself out there because I know first hand it wasn’t easy! Keep putting one foot in front the other!

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  18. hang in there. I have been in the same situation for years. Even though I have been financially independent (no choice, my mother would have rather me gone to a homeless shelter being pregnant with my 5 yo, then share her tiny 1 bedroom, yet my sister was allowed to live there for years..) it’s incredibly lonely. my father was violent so I’ve never known him. I bonded with my grandmother and she’s been gone for years. with my children out of the nest and flown away, I have no family for holidays etc. But it’s better for me to be lonely then to try to be a part of something i am not a part of. not only that but they are conspirators of abuse by secrets…please hang in there. at least you know there is a solution and what you endure now I think will help you endure in the future without family without experiencing depression as i have. you are right. never ever give up.

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  19. I wish I could peddle you some fake ass platitude to help you out in this situation, but the truth is I’ve found just about all of them all to be bullshit.

    I tend to shoot my mouth off and clean up the mess later. I spent the first half of my life keeping all my emotions in, playing the part of the peace keeper. It made me sick.

    Best advice I was given in the halls of AA was to “say what you mean but don’t say it mean.” I just don’t have the second half mastered yet.

    I feel for you and wanted you to know you are not alone. You got this.

    Liked by 1 person

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  20. I completely understand what you mean! i’ve been dealing with the same thing as well for years, but this year? whew. let me tell you, i’ve been trying all sorts of ways to meditate because i feel like a ticking bomb.

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