My anxiety has skyrocketed in the past few days. Ever since that night I went to see the doctor I can’t seem to get a control over my thoughts and this aching feeling of fear in my heart.
As much as I can tell myself ‘Your fear is a liar’ and ‘You can and will get through this’, every doubt that has ever crossed my mind in life seems to be creeping its way to the surface, controlling my happiness and my ability to function like a normal human being.
What is the answer? What do you do when you just don’t know where to go or who to talk to or how to fix it? When hiding under the covers seems like the only thing in this world that will keep life from getting any worse than it already seems.
I know it’s in my head. I know that. I’m also abundantly aware that my head holds a great deal of power over the rest of me and always has. These thoughts, while not the most pleasant feelings in the world, are coming from somewhere. Finding the root of that evil is quite possibly what scares me the most. Because if I do find it… and I can’t fix it, does that mean that it’s going to be this way forever?
I sound like a broken record. It’s been a rough couple of days, and things don’t appear to be looking up any time soon. All I want in this world is to run away and I don’t have that option. I don’t get to run away from this. I don’t get to run away from here.
What do you do when you’ve reached the point that your fear is rooted in the fear? Goodness, I am in no state of being for human consumption on this day. The smallest of things are pissing me off and the biggest of things feel insurmountable. It’s like that feeling they explain when you’re drowning and you reach a point in which you become so delirious that you’re not sure if you’re going up towards the surface or down towards the depths of the sea that’s about to swallow you. I’ve lost track of which way is up and I can’t shake it.
These doubts of mine, they’re winning. They’re winning by quite the margin right now and I hate it. Holding on for dear life…