Holding on for dear life.

My anxiety has skyrocketed in the past few days. Ever since that night I went to see the doctor I can’t seem to get a control over my thoughts and this aching feeling of fear in my heart.

As much as I can tell myself ‘Your fear is a liar’ and ‘You can and will get through this’, every doubt that has ever crossed my mind in life seems to be creeping its way to the surface, controlling my happiness and my ability to function like a normal human being.

What is the answer? What do you do when you just don’t know where to go or who to talk to or how to fix it? When hiding under the covers seems like the only thing in this world that will keep life from getting any worse than it already seems.

I know it’s in my head. I know that. I’m also abundantly aware that my head holds a great deal of power over the rest of me and always has. These thoughts, while not the most pleasant feelings in the world, are coming from somewhere. Finding the root of that evil is quite possibly what scares me the most. Because if I do find it… and I can’t fix it, does that mean that it’s going to be this way forever?

I sound like a broken record. It’s been a rough couple of days, and things don’t appear to be looking up any time soon. All I want in this world is to run away and I don’t have that option. I don’t get to run away from this. I don’t get to run away from here.

What do you do when you’ve reached the point that your fear is rooted in the fear? Goodness, I am in no state of being for human consumption on this day. The smallest of things are pissing me off and the biggest of things feel insurmountable. It’s like that feeling they explain when you’re drowning and you reach a point in which you become so delirious that you’re not sure if you’re going up towards the surface or down towards the depths of the sea that’s about to swallow you. I’ve lost track of which way is up and I can’t shake it.

These doubts of mine, they’re winning. They’re winning by quite the margin right now and I hate it. Holding on for dear life…

65 thoughts on “Holding on for dear life.”

  1. You’ve mentioned before you are not a religious person. However, if you believe in a supreme being it couldn’t hurt to reach out to him or her now. That’s what I’ve done in my most anxious moments and it has helped. Keep holding on.

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  2. Hold on. If you have a dear friend who can just listen, reflect, advice and make you smile that can help loads. Just sharing face to face can be so helpful. I have a few dear friends who can do this for me. We all need a few of these special people. I’m sure you have a few – just call one of them and meet over a coffee and just talk.

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    2. It’s times like these I tend to avoid people. But I’m definitely trying. And I thank you for the suggestion. I might take to my phone and see who’s open to chatting.

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  3. I find that’s the problem with anxiety, logic doesn’t seem to apply to it :/ You can have every reason to know you’ll be fine and that things will work out, but when anxiety whispers “but what if it all goes horribly wrong” and it is somehow a very convincing argument.
    I wish I had advice to give you on how to cope, but I’m not really good at coping myself. Just know that you’re not the only person who feels like this, and that you’re likely going to be fine no matter how much you feel like you won’t be.

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      1. I wish I wasn’t familiar enough with it to depict it so accurately :/ I know it doesn’t help while in the midst of some serious anxiety, but know that you’ll make it through this rough patch. It tough now, but things will get easier.

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  5. I hesitantly …share..but just maybe you’d care. I have been feeling the brink. Helplessly (feeling) my ship is to sink & drowning in thoughts of belligerent concepts of how to ‘correct’ things. My dance w/this chronic physical pain & psych med free (sharing a bit much) I saw the other day…something so simple, but not always for everyone’s way…..Take your hands & placed them palm to palm (as many do in prayer w/fingers extended; not intertwined) the example I saw was to place that hand “temple” thumbs just below the nose & closing your eyes & maybe slightly bowing & thanking for being alive. I chose to place my fingertips resting just over my lips…reminding me “silence” is bliss…..so far it’s helped me ‘calm’ (when i remember) in the mist of a fit. Much love to you in your healing journey thank you for sharing the struggles & strengths…

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      1. I’m not huge on advice giving or ‘suggestions’…your words grabbed my attention & I felt compelled to offer what helped me in the depths of feeling so unwell…..to achieve a breath of reprieve. Your raw candor in expressing your experience(s) resonate in all who are gifted to read (& some of us, others, too, in time of need). Thank you for such transparency!!! Much love light & ladybugs!!

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    1. Thank you ❤ I'm sorry that you are struggling. I hope that you find some solace soon. Sending some love and light your direction so we can both have some healing.

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      1. Thank you. I appreciate that. Follow my blog. I post my moments and coping skills as well. Today listening to spiritual and motivational YouTube videos worked. As well as asking others to uplift me in prayer. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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  7. Having been pushing through perpetual anxiety over recent years, deep breathing has helped me.

    Sit comfortably with a straight back or lay on the floor.

    Take a long slow deep breath, filling every bit of your lungs. While doing this, remember to keep your muscles relaxed. They tend to want to tense up.

    Gently hold your breath, being carful not to push.

    Then exhale slowly, pushing every bit of air out of your lungs, making sure your muscles are relaxed.

    Repeat several times.

    At night this tends to be a nice distraction from a busy mind, plus brings healing oxygen into your body, while clearing out stale air from shallow breathing.

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    1. I will definitely give it a try. We do deep breathing at yoga and it always makes me feel more at peace, so I think trying it at home could be good for me. Thank you for the suggestion ❤

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  8. You are not alone, and you are very brave for sharing your vulnerabilities like this. Something that has helped me before is to tell myself “you are having the thought that…” (as a way of trying to reframe that thought). It can help to distance the bad thoughts from yourself ❤

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    1. Checking out that website now, thank you! I definitely try to stay away from caffeine when I can, but there are some days that i Swear all I do is run on caffeine!

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  10. A lot of people have undiagnosed mental health problems. In low income neighborhoods like mine, as much as 33%. Go to a dog park. Go to an art museum. Go, on a bus ride until the ticket runs out. Get, lost. Obviously, whatever you tried before is failing. If I was in Canada, I’d walk around with you until you’re exhausted then, I’d carry you somewhere. I’d tell you to describe the mundane. Our minds, are scratched records sometimes. Looping the same response not because it’s a good one. Because, we know the outcome already. Empathy, seems to help. A different stimulus to focus on while the levels of fear calm like the tides. It’s probably why, the emotional support animal gained in popularity in the last decade.

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    1. You seem like a really giving and kind soul. I’m going on a long road trip on Wednesday and I’m hoping that the road trip helps me. The scenery and different points of view I hope will make some change.

      There’s not really any dog parks around here. It’s a pretty heavily forested area and dogs don’t even really get put on leashes it’s sooo quiet. But if there was a dog part, I bet it’d be a place I’d love to hang out because I really love dogs.

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      1. Down here. I’d go to Flagstaff often. Above the trees you could see the cell phone towers. I’d put a twenty in my shoe and jog to one and sometimes the next one. I’ve done it, all over the United States. Pennsylvania is probably the most challenging. Reminds me of, Walden. Maybe. That’s why people talk to people for points of view. I read. It’s like the same.

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  11. Today, I spoke with one of my best friend about his anxieties (quite frankly, he spoke; I just listened) and this is someone who never talks about his problems. David said talk to a supreme being you believe in. I support. If you have none, ramble to a friend. Talk. Talk. Talk. To God, goddess, man, woman, talk!

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    1. It’s funny… what you say is so logical. And I know it’s logical. But I find myself thinking ‘don’t do that, that’s too hard’. I’ve texted a couple of people though, asking if anyone was up for a chat. I’m going to try… I may not make it very far, but I am going to try talking.

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      1. Currently, I’m dealing with the realisation that I have no (intimate) friends just lotsa people I know. Potential (intimate) friends. But I find that people generally don’t wantu hear your rambling but will jump at the opportunity to have you listen to theirs. It’s funny but it’s life so I understand your inhibition. Don’t hesitate to hmu… I like a good story, just kidding

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      2. oh, you hit the nail on the head there. Sooo many people don’t really want to hear what you have to say but they want you to hear what they have to say. I think that’s… the human condition, possibly.

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  12. Honey I wrote earlier on a post that it was evident you are struggling. Please don’t lose sight of the future. I have been exactly where you are many many times in my 44 years, starting as early as 5 years old. I know what it’s like to feel that veil coming over your eyes and life truly and literally losing its vividness and color that you incase took for granted. I know that fear of fear itself. I know the anxiety of anxiety itself. I truly know how you feel. If you haven’t already, I would strongly suggest, even beg, that you seek professional help. Im not saying this to offend you so please don’t take it as a dig but sometimes we need help looking at this veil through different eyes and suggestions in how ti deal with this change in the world and change in yourself. It’s overwhelming and terrifying no doubt but after the initial fear you stay feeling better even if only a centimeter at a time. Progress is progress no matter how small it may ber. Don’t expect to make leaps and bounds. Don’t limit yourself to an all or nothing scenario. Do what you can from moment to moment. If you pull the covers off your head for 2 minutes today when you’d rather hide away you have made progress. You are still interacting with your followers and that is an accomplished by. Give yourself some credit and accept that some days will be better while others are worse. Accept this. Understand that this is human nature. We can NOT be the same person with the same feelings and the same circumstances from second ti second let alone day to day. Please be kind to yourself and realize no one not one single person Alive now or anytime through out all of history of all mankind has now or has ever had a perfect existence…. but that being said, we are all our perfect selves. Not a single person, even if they have done every single thing the same as you have in your life had every single experience you have had in your life, will NEVER be you because you are beautifully and uniquely you. Hugs my dear. And again always feel free to contact me.

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    1. Hey Elizabeth, thank you for this note. I don’t take offense to your suggesting professional help. I’ve actually been seeing a therapist to help me cope. I’m a firm believer in therapy and I know first hand that it does help.

      Thank you for the reminder to keep going, and for the reminder that I’m only human and this is human nature. Some days I just have bad days. Some days those bad days last for a week or more. I just have to keep trying to push through and move in small motions, rather than thinking life is going to change overnight.

      Thank you for caring, and for your wise words. And for your offer to chat. I tend to internalize these feelings when I get them, but if I do change my mind, I’ll take you up on that, I promise.

      Love ❤

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    2. Thanks Elizabeth. I was going to add “contact me” to my last comment when I noticed this long comment and thought “SPAM!!!” Good reading this; taking a screenshot of it from “Not a single person…” and sharing it with a few friends (of course I’ll refer to you)… Awesome

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    1. I think that’s why my blog is where I turn to when I get like this. There’s such an incredibly community of people it makes things just a little less hard.

      Thank you for your note ❤

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  14. I am letting myself imagine the worst possible outcome, and then I start to think, what I can do if things will really turn that bad. I am a person of action, and sometimes people are upset with my reactions because of that. I can’t just say “oh, I am so sorry, ” I start to think about solution right away. That works for me, but apparently not for everybody :).

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    1. Hmmm. I wonder if I can do that? Imagine the worst case scenario and then try to fix the worst case scenario before it happens, so that it doesn’t happen? I should try that.

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      1. Maybe this strategy is not for you, but who knows? It helps me, because it reassures me that I am in control. My older son Igor, when he had a party in honor of his cancer remission, was telling his guests about the beginning of this ordeal: when Mom realized, what’s going on, she immediately started her usual “first we will do this, and then we will do that”. It actually helped a lot, that I could focus on practical things; how to organize his life, my life, other family member’s routine. There were 10 months of uncertainty, and I had to prepare myself for everything. Literally.

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  15. It looks like you’ve had some great advice already and I can’t really add to it. What works for me is focusing on my breathing and repeating a Bible verse to myself like this one: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”
    ‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NLT‬‬. Hope you feel better soon. 🤗

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  16. You have a lot of great advice here. Anxiety is mean and sneaky. For me, I find the root of what triggered it and go from there. Writing about it here is a great outlet. Talking to friends is great too. Mainly just getting those thoughts out your head, even if they appear again. Your doctor’s visit seems to be what sparked a lot of anxiety, because you were concerned for your health. So that residual anxiety can stick around. It sucks! I try to remember that it’s me talking to me. It’s not the world being against me. Sometimes that helps too. Sending strength ❤️

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    1. Hmmmm. Residual anxiety. I’ve never really thought of it like that. Kind of like the doctor’s appointment got me there, and now my anxiety is keeping me in that state of being. I wonder if that’s really what’s happening to me. Perhaps I should do some writing, like you mentioned.

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  18. I know this is super hard in times like these, but if there’s something (non-harmful) that can take you out of your head for a while, that might help. Personally, when I’m super anxious (but not depressed) I like to cook a huge amount of complicated food while listening to podcasts or watching youtube videos. Not sure if this would be sanctioned by a mental health professional, but sometimes you just need a break from your thoughts. Another option is getting blackout drunk, but obviously that has some other costs haha

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    1. I’m not sure why I missed this before and am just seeing it now, but thank you. This is actually a really good idea. I really love meal prepping but have kind of… fallen off the wagon the past few months. Maybe I should start doing that again, it might help distract me. I don’t think blackout drunk is an option for me. haha!

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  19. Anxiety is a BITCH. I had an anxiety attack just this mornng, which I believe is my own damn fault for having coffee a bit too strong. For real, I’m learning that I need to cut my caffiene intake in half. It’s a hard lesson but I’m getting there…. Geez – I had to do YouTube mediatation videos and all that. I lost a good 2 hours of the morning just dealing with anxiety. It was freaking awful, like basically a full on panic attack with the shortness of breath and moving around from my living room to my bedroom frantically like a fucking wild animal. Just terrible. Nonetheless, YouTube anxiety meditation videos are a wonderful tool. It may take like 20-30 minutes for these mediations to fully provide relief, but it’s worth it. Do you ever use these kinds of resources, and does it help you? Let me know. I found a particularly good one this morning.

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    1. I’ve tried meditation videos online before. I’m not really sure why… the only time meditation has really worked for me was at Yoga. That being said, going to Yoga every single day isn’t feasible, sadly.

      I’m sorry you’re struggling with anxiety as well. I wish I knew a solution for you. I wish I knew a solution for the both of us.

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      1. Have you tried Jody Whitely? A lot of them don’t work for me, but she does. Technically it’s sleep hypnosis which is a little different, but works for me. You have to like the voice. Some people who try to lead mediations on youtube have horrible uppity voices. You listen and you’re like, “how in the hell does this person think their voice is soothing!?” lol.
        Jody is soothing. I apologize for the misspellings and general obnoxious tone of that comment up there. I was quite drunk.

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  22. I’m sure you’ve heard all the advice in the world so I’ll keep this short. Try not to think you have to “fix” yourself or the insurmountable underlying problem causing the fear. We can’t fix everything. Some things we have to find a way we can live with it. I think you are doing a good thing talking about it.

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  23. So, a perspective from a two-time cancer survivor (and as challenging as they were, those weren’t the most intense events in my life). If we make more out of things than they are, those things have a way a becoming more than they were. Everything in life is just the stuff in the moment. The context of the moment is our choice.

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  24. When I get to that point, I take a day or two and just stay in bed and sleep or watch TV/read. I know that’s probably not productive or maybe not even really healthy, but sometimes it helps to just completely veg out for 24-48 hours. In no way am I suggesting getting “stuck” there, but usually after a day or so of being lazy and stupid and gross, I feel ready to move on and get “un-stuck.”
    You could also try writing down every tiny thought that comes into your head, then doing something like shredding the paper or burning it. I’ve done this a few times and it’s amazing how much better it made me feel.
    Also, quick quote — I went to a writer’s workshop this past weekend and one girl wrote a story about her depression and she said the most amazing thing: “Depression is my companion, not my boss.”
    I changed ‘depression’ to ‘anxiety’ and want to put it on my refrigerator and tattoo it on my damn wrist.
    I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to ride these days out. Just keep telling yourself you know it will run its course, just like a cold. Sending hugs.

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  27. Anxiety and depression screams louder than logic. But know this that these times pass eventually. Even if it feels like it won’t. You are doing the right thing by holding on. Try to share what you are going through with someone you trust. Even if they are unable to provide any solution, advice or suggestions still it feels good to share. To get the words out of your mind. At least in my case sharing helped me through the awful times. And find the people with whom I can share about anything and with whom I can’t share anything.

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    1. Wise words, and I’m thankful for them tonight. It does feel good to share, I know you’re right there. I’m just trying to find the balance.

      Thank you for stopping by and sharing some advice. I love those people you have that you can share anything with.

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