Lose-Lose Conversations

My aunt called this afternoon. She called once, I ignored it. She called twice, I thought she might have been calling back in hopes my parents had an answering machine. The third time that she called I figured she obviously does not know my parents are in Denmark. Since she has a terminally ill husband, I thought I ought to answer the phone in case she had something important to say that I needed to pass onto my parents while they’re overseas.

Boy, not only did she have nothing important to say, but she’s really good at picking me apart and making me feel like a piece of shit.

I am someone who keeps my family at a distance. Not because I don’t love them but more so because we have different beliefs… we have different values, we have different understandings of the world and how it works, so if I don’t keep myself away from them, fights happen. A LOT OF FIGHTS. A lot of my family members are exceptionally judgmental people. And though they live in glass houses and really shouldn’t be throwing stones, they do it all the time.

My aunt really laid into me today. According to her, I’m lazy. According to her, I just don’t try. According t her I lack the motivation to find success so I won’t ever do so. She gave me a lot of ‘advice’ of how I need to take my resume into Wal-Mart every week once a week and they’ll be forced to hire me because I just won’t go away. She told me I’m thirty years old and I’m a disappointment to the family. She told me I had so much potential and it’s such a shame that I threw it all alway.

Throughout all of this, I was kindly trying to tell her I was busy. I was kindly trying to tell her that I had to go. I was kindly trying to tell her she could call my parents on the 23 when they’re home. And she just kept cutting me off and telling me what she thought of me and how much of a screw up I am.

My anxiety went through the roof as I was listening to her. I reached a point where I thought I was about to burst out in tears. Since she wasn’t letting me talk to tell her I had to go, I eventually just hung up on her.

I know I’m going to hear about that later, but I couldn’t just continue to let her beat up on me.

Now I’ve just spent the past few hours trying to calm myself back down.

Everyone’s got an opinion. Everyone wants to give you their opinion. Sadly, some people know diddly squat about your life and still feel they have the right to pass judgement on you anyways…

Sometimes you just really can’t win.

68 thoughts on “Lose-Lose Conversations

  1. It’s unfortunate that family sometimes can trigger the worst anxiety. I’m sorry you had to listen and take all that in. Just know YOU are the only one that knows what YOU are going through. Don’t let her harsh words linger for even a minute. You got this ☺️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you.

      I’m scared to hear what’s going to go through the family as soon as she starts telling everyone I hung up on her. I guess it’s just something I have to live with now,.

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      1. Don’t stress it. You tried to be nice and kind multiple times but people just don’t listen. Just keep reminding yourself that and no matter what they say, they weren’t the ones listening to her being rude. I know it’s easier said then done. I hope it’s not too bad. We are all here to listen though if you need.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Girrl, I understand! My sister and “her” family aren’t talking to me because I put a stop to them taking advantage of my kindness. My sister was a 9/11 first responder and just received your lung transplant last month. Her and I stopped talking approx. two weeks before she had it. I called myself being the bigger person and checking on her while she was in the hospital, I shouldn’t have bothered. Then yesterday I text my neice to tell her that I received her photocard from her wedding that I attended in April and didn’t get a reply. It’s all good. I understand the concept of distancing yourself from “family.” They only made me feel like crap when I would be around them anyway. My days have been a bit stress free since I’ve stopped associating with them. They say you can’t pick your family; guess it’s a good thing I’m adopted.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. That’s why I went no contact with my family, toxicity kills it. Kills your mind,body and spirit I understand completely I had to walk away I had to escape from them. It’s going on 3 years I’m the happiest I can ever be I felt like God wanted me to do it, I hear Jesus now and I am more comfortable with who He made me to be. Yup it hurts because families like that normally pick out the purest souls to rob them of their light. May God Heal your heart. Much love DanYah 💙

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I’ve been very distant with my family for a very long time because it’s soo much easier to not have to hear shit like I did today. I totally understand you when you say you went no-contact. Some people say it sounds harsh, but sometimes it’s what you need to just be able to be happy.

      Thank you for your sweet note ❤

      Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you ❤ I wish I had the courage to just tell her to shut up and mind her own business. I kind of cowardly just hung up. But hey, at least I managed to do that. Your comment shows me that it's got nothing to do with age and everything to do with knowing your worth and that your family doesn't define that!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I agree about knowing your worth and no one but you define it! It was hard for me to say “no” and walk away. Anger and fighting take too much energy and I think we could better use that energy on ourselves. Take care and hope you are having a better day.

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  4. Awful! NO ONE should treat you like that… family or not. My two cents…. 🙂 ♥ You tried to politely get off the phone and she pushed on. She refused to respect your boundary, so you hung up and enforced your boundary. GOOD FOR YOU!!!! It’s really hard and so hurtful. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, but I’m SUPER proud that you took care of you. ♥ Relax, treat yourself, be proud of yourself for practicing radical self care my friend. 🙂 Right now you don’t have to worry about what anyone else is saying. Big hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It has already been said, but you certainly do not have to deal with that sort of poison. It’s very sad that “family” are often those who are the most detrimental to one’s well-being. You seem to be a strong, yet sensitive person, who is also very honest.

    When we are children, we can’t “choose” our family. But as adults, we can and do have the right to choose who we want to have in our lives. Take care ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know that one of my biggest issues is my extreme sensitivity. It’s just hard to get past that issue when I’m in such a… struggled state. You know? People like her just won’t/aren’t/can’t help.

      Here’s to trying to surround myself with supporting and wonderful people, just like you.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This post actually hit home, and sometimes it’s so difficult to cut them off because they have a close relationship with your parents meaning they’re always in your face too. Especially if you’re at your own parents’ house not bothering anyone about anything. Sorry you had to go through that❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  7. “She told me I’m thirty years old and I’m a disappointment to the family. ” Look, I know this is your family member, but that’s borderline abusive bullshit. Sounds like your family is similar to mine. I’m rather liberal-minded, but my family is very conservative (they all love Donald Trump, that should tell you everything!). This bullshit about taking your resume into walmart frequently until they are overwhelmed and end up hiring you is outdated. My mom once told me something similar and it worked for her in the 70’s or some shit. As a modern-day recruiter – I can tell you – these days that kind of behavior just communicates “whoo, what a psycho.” Maybe it worked in the 70’s but I doubt it works anywhere nowadays. Your aunt is out of touch and must belong to the same generation as my mom and dad, I’m guessing. I still think you would benefit from monetizing your blog or becoming an independent consultant if things don’t pan out on the employment front. It’s tough out there right now. I’ve seen your cover letter and I bet your resumes is just as good, so it’s not you it’s a market thing. Ack, I know how much anxiety sucks and I feel for you. Damn, next time ignore the phone I would :/. I wouldn’t answer for anyone at this point dang. I got your back vee, e-mail me anytime if you need to vent. This one hints home because it reminds me of my family.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank You! I’ve thought of emailing you again, I really have. I just feel like it’s not a resume thing at this point, it’s a me thing. Something isn’t translating when I’m in an interview. I appreciate your nice words though. I just think there’s something wrong with me as a person. Like I come across as off-putting in an interview or something.

      A lot of my family are Trump supporters too, and they’re Canadian. Sooo that pretty much explains them.

      I’ve been ignoring the phone since. I’ll feel bad if something happens, but honestly, she can wait until my mom and dad come home from Denmark. I’m not going to talk to her or put up with that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You know, I just saw this. WordPress is a pain in the neck. I don’t get notifications when you comment or reply. I don’t even get the little pink flag over the bell up top anymore :/. At any rate m’dear, I hope things are going better. It’s very eye opening to me that there are trump supporters in other countries, I didn’t think anyone else cared about about America that much except us; the self absorbed and sometimes arrogant americans. Interesting. I have not visited Canada since I was a teen and I am itching to go back one of these days. Job hunting – of course there’s nothing wrong with you. Although, if you feel your not coming across the way you would like, do study up on interviewing and do some “mock” interviews. If you’re introverted and do not have a friend available for this right now, do this mock interviewing at a public job center. Get a rep to help you, they will be honest. I also think that link I sent you “the interview guys” jeff and mike – has great information. My life is busy these days with 3 hour eating disorder treatment and my return to work, but if you e-mail I’ll take time out for you and respond and will help in whatever way, either professionally on the job front or just being an ear if you need to spout. Have a good day ms vee.

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  8. Oh, big sist, I’m sorry to hear that. Sometimes, family, especially parents play a role in causing anxiety issue to their children. You’re an adult now and it’s okay to have your own opinion. Sometimes, I also have different opinion and values with my parents and maybe a whole big family. But, of course, I still and always love them no matter what. I think we just need to proof that what they said about us are wrong (in a good and polite way). I believe you can do better!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you ❤ I think it's healthy, in a family, to have different opinions. That being said, I don't have to and shouldn't have to deal with and tolerate judgment like that. I can do better, you're absolutely right. Thank you for your note.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Omg I feel you!!! Your frustration, aggravation and pain. Hanging up was the kindest thing you could do for the both of you. I anticipated you were going to curse her out, tell and scream. But you rose above it and let it be. Proud of you. Thats what I’m learning to do to. It’s called self preservation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well Steve, my dear, you should email me! Tell me all about your woes and I’ll be happy to help, at the very least, be an ear. ❤ Sending positivity your way. Hope your momma's doing okay.

      Like

  10. My attitude is to surround yourself with people who make you feel good. There are a few who drain me with their views and opinions. I keep a safe distance from them. Always. Despite my optimistic view of life some people are just not recoverable. You are doing just great V – just keep doing what you are doing 😎

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are a wise soul and a beautiful soul for leaving me this comment. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face this afternoon, I really appreciate it. Your comments always seem to make me smile and your kindness is so genuine and wonderful, I really don’t deserve it but just know that I appreciate you.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry you’re dealing with something so similar. I wouldn’t wish this one anyone. I hope that your situation gets sorted out soon. Or, at the very least, you find some peace without that negativity and toxicity. No one needs that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree no one does. I am learning too. You know for the good ones, being an asshole is a task. And then we get tears. That’s where my sensitivity needs to get strengthened. But together we all will cope up. We are not alone in this 😊 So, the tips and tricks help. Keep sharing! Lots of love to you ♥️

        Liked by 1 person

  11. If it helps, next time anyone says about taking your CV into Walmart (or anywhere else). Tell them there is no point, it will just get binned as everything is done on the internet, its not like it use to be, where you could pop into a shop, hand over your CV and get a phonecall the next day, I find it alot more demoralising now.

    I always find it useful to keep a couple of phrases in times like these. Or just grey rock them

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right? That’s what I wanted to tell her. She hasn’t worked a job in nearly 40 years, I really don’t think she understands how it works these days. It’s tough because I don’t want to sit there and explain that… she wouldn’t listen anyway.

      What does it mean to grey rock someone?

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Family should never treat family like that. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Family should be supporting each other, even if they don’t agree with your decisions. *Hugs * you keep doing you, girl. 💁‍♀️

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I am so sorry! I feel your pain! I know quite well how these conversations are difficult to brush off. You may tell yourself a million times – I do not care what they think, but it might take hours to return to the calm state of mind. Hope you feel better now!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. As awful as it was, even those bad experiences can teach us things. Like how not to be, or something. Or how to be forgiving of idiots. Or patience! Still, maybe hang up sooner if that happens again. As a 54 year old SAHM who has been looking for a job after not working for almost 30 years, I’ve become grimly aware that finding a job is not like it was in the 80s. My husband would love to change careers because mechanic work is so hard on him physically, but at 56 , he’s basically too old for any of the new jobs. He would have to get all new training and make less money. My sister is 49 and is looking for a job after not working for 10 years and with outdated skills. I’m curious how things will go for her. My mom is 78, yes 78, and she still works full-time in a professional career, but they are doing all they can to get her to quit so they can hire two people for what they pay her. All that to say, I understand why people are having trouble finding decent paying jobs. The process is so complicated and the good jobs are scarce!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Looking for work just isn’t the same as the way it was in the 80’s like you’ve said, or back when she was looking for work. She’s had a wonderful life in which her husband made oodles of money so that she did not need to ever work. And while I’m happy for her in having that, I don’t think she’s in any position to be giving me career advice. Ya know?

      What kind of work are you looking for? Would you consider working with your husband? I’m just tossing out an idea here, and I know you didn’t ask for it so please ignore me if you don’t want it! Just an idea I’m tossing out there – a lot of car dealerships will hire drivers to deliver cars to customers who purchase them that are not from that city/town. They like hiring retired married couples because it 1) Provides them with extra income 2) Allows them to trust the couples have plenty of experience in driving so they’ll be diligent on the road and 3) Married couples are a bonus for dealerships because they know ya’ll can get along. What they do is send one in the new car being delivered to the customer and one following in a chase car. Once you drop off the vehicle to the customer, you’d both drive back in the chase car. It’s easy work – if you can tolerate driving. It pays 20-25 dollars an hour. There’s no benefits but… as long as people buy cars you’ll continue to deliver.

      Anyways, I’m rambling now. Just thought I’d toss that out there. It might be some work that’s easy for you to do and easier on your husband’s body.

      Okay, I’ll stop rambling.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. How rude and thoughtless of your aunt to act like that. Please stop blaming yourself for anything coming from such a person.

    I know, too, that family can be a tough issue. We newly discovered that my husband´s mother suffers from severe dementia, on Facebook. My father in law has not spoken with his eldest son, my husband, in 5 years, whom he promised to call often. And I think he is a piece of …., sorry my French.

    You did the right thing in hanging up on her.

    People like that are not worth listening to at all.

    It is unforgivable to say things like that.

    It is not your fault. And you deserve better than that.

    I send you positive energy and lots of hugs.

    Believe in you. Keep on. You are not alone.

    Blessed Be.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Thank you, thank you ❤

    I'm sorry to hear about your mother-in-law, and that you had to find out in such a way. That's not fair and uncalled for.

    Families can be so tough. They're your family so you feel like you need to get along, but sometimes you just don't want to! Sometimes they really don't deserve it.

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  17. Ugh, girl — I unfortunately had (have) a couple of family members like this. Growing up they lived very close and hard to get away from but their constant nitpicking really screwed up my confidence. Thank GOODNESS they live 9 hours away now. They occasionally make attempts to “reconnect” via Facebook or email but …. I barely acknowledge them. I’m at the point in my life where I don’t care if you’re blood or not — if you are toxic, you’re toxic, and I cut them out of my life.
    I hope you can do the same too, and I hope you find the strength to realize that none of what she says is true. Try to think of it like a bully in school — they’re only trying to get a rise out of you so they feel better about themselves. Hugs!

    Like

    1. Thank You ❤ I'm hoping I can get out of the situation soon, too. I don't need that negativity in my life. Thanks for sharing, it's sucky to know we all have to deal with this same shit.

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  18. Don’t worry, almost everyone’s relatives are like this. They just want you to feel inferior about yourself, they mock and taunt you, they keep looking for opportunities to put you down. It happens. It happened to me a lot of time. When I have to confront such people, either I try to avoid them or just don’t give importance to their words because I don’t care what they think about me. No one can teach me how should I live my life. I am happy with myself and that is the only thing that matters.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Holly son of a gun! I just had to calm myself down after reading this! BIG HUGS!
    NO WAY is that right! Mental and emotional abuse is never wanted!
    I grew up with that toxic waste and it took me years and my wonderful husband to help realize I didn’t have to live like that! I gave distance to toxic people and family and it is a breath of fresh air!
    BIG HUGS again! You did the right thing and don’t you let that leech suck your good positivity out! I have hung up on people SO many times and when they say something about it? I tell them they should listen next time when I talk or I will do it again!!
    Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I learned a long time ago, there are people who are trying to help and there are people who are trying to hurt. If what they are saying isn’t in kindness and love then I don’t need to hear it. Those people will never be happy with what I do. I will hang up if what you are saying is not productive for you or me. The minute you start feeling upset and what they are doing is hurtful, take the power back and hang up. You don’t need to take it.

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