Sporadic AF thoughts.

I hate when people say “AF”, but I’m choosing to do it anyway. So perhaps I even hate myself a little tonight. We’ll see where the night takes me…

Sometimes I just sit here, at night, in front of this computer and write things to immediately delete them. Then I write more and proceed to delete that. Then I write more, and the vicious circle continues.

Nothing that I say seems good enough, important enough, or worthy enough of my time. So I try to fight those thoughts, but they keep coming up… how nasty thoughts always seem to behave.

Sometimes I feel like Stewart from the Big Bang Theory. Kind of just like… the extra character in everyone else’s life, struggling to figure out my own. Everyone seems like their lives are so together, like they’ve got it all figured out. Me, well on most days I feel like it’s a struggle to stay afloat, nevermind find my way to shore.

I’ve got a ton of things that I should be doing right now, a handful of people I’ve committed to collaborating with and a bed that is calling my name. And me, I’m here avoiding all of it. And probably will for at least the next few hours. Late nights, when it’s quiet, is often the only time of day I can truly feel like myself. As implied with my post from earlier today, I often feel as though I don’t fit in with my family. So, for me, after they all head to sleep for the night, that’s when I feel most myself.

Unrelated but, I miss Knight. Also, I could really use a cookie right now.

It’s amazing how much a year can change a person. I was thinking back about who I was at this time last year, I was so scared to turn 30. Like many, I thought that once you turned 30, things started to go downhill. In reality, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Even with all that’s happened this year, I’ve learned is how much stronger I am then I ever thought I could be. I’ve also learned how much I have. One of the most important things being my voice. For so many years I allowed my voice to be suppressed for ‘the greater good of the business’, and I really think that I lost myself in the process. Now, even with all the things I can think of that I don’t have, I feel more confident about my voice than ever before.

I saw a news story this afternoon about a semi-truck that was headed for London that 39 dead bodies were found in the back of. My heart breaks for the people who passed away in the back of that truck. My heart breaks for the families of the people who passed away in the back of that truck. All too often we can get so wrapped up with our truly blessed and privileged lives that it’s hard to think of such horrible things, like human trafficking, going on in this world. But the truth is, I think it happens a lot more than many of us could even imagine. I have so many questions. Did the truck driver know what was in the back of his truck? That he was driving dead bodies, victims of human trafficking? Or was he just a trucker in the wrong place at the wrong time?

I’ve decided to start a new project in my life and I’m really excited about it. At the encouragement of an incredible man, I am going to follow my dreams. Here’s to hoping that it doesn’t blow up in my face!

Also, I’ve been trying to follow the case of Natalia Barnett, the young Ukrainian girl who was screwed over and abandoned by her adopted parents. (I talked about the story here) Michael Barnett has been all over TV lately (so far as I can see, on at least three continents) peddling lies and trying to sway public opinion in his favour (I can only presume to try and avoid jail time). As of Oct 21, State Prosecutors in Indiana have filed an injunction to put a gag-order on the couple that would stop them from slandering their adopted daughter in the news, or in public in any way shape or form (story here). Which, hallelujah, I really hope it goes through. These people don’t deserve to lie on TV and to the media like they’ve been doing. It will mean the public no longer gets to hear anything of the story, but, for the protection of Natalia Grace, I can let my curiosity with the story go.

I’ve been working on a title page for a project about 4 hours now and the intricacies of it are one of the reasons why I despise graphic design. I’m just someone who taught myself how to use these design programs out of boredom. I am by no means a graphic designer, just someone who can do a not-half-bad job. To actual graphic designers, I have the utmost appreciation for what you do. This stuff takes so much time. So very much time!!!

Okay, I should get back to work right now. This has been the most unproductive thing I’ve done all day…

28 thoughts on “Sporadic AF thoughts.

  1. I wish you the best on your new project. May it bring you peace of mind, love in your heart and fulfillment in your soul. May this be the start of a wonderful adventure, one that gives you everlasting happiness. That is what life is all about

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Welcome to the night club. It’s 2:25 AM and I’m still awake. The past several nights have been like this. I’ve been gaming to pass the time, and have got so caught up in it that I’ve lost track of IRL time. I even forgot to go to a dr appt this week (oops) and I’m never this forgetful. I feel like Penny when she became obsessed with that computer game, Age of Conan. So I totally get the Stuart reference (Big Bang fan over here!) Heck, I even named my video game character Sheldon Cooper. Now I’m starting to think he looks more like a Harry Potter. It’s too late to start over and change the name as I’m 21 hours into the game now, so Sheldon Cooper the Phantom Thief he is. 🤷‍♀️

    Enjoyed reading your post btw. I’m sorry you miss Knight, and if I could send you a cookie I would. Also, I mailed your letter today so let’s hope you get it and that it doesn’t get snatched up by IRL thieves. 🍪

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thought your sleep was getting better and that you were working on it? That’s not good to hear that you’re still awake at 2:25 am! I’m sorry! I hate the struggle to sleep game. It drives me bonkers so I can totally imagine how you feel.

      That episode when Penny got wrapped up in the game, I swear I’m like that sometimes too. haha

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It “was” getting better for a while until I started a new PS4 game. I’ve gotten completely caught up in it. I check the time thinking only 10 mins have gone by only to see that an hour has gone by! Then 2 hours, then 3 hours…. It sucks you in. 🙇‍♀️

        I’m hoping to finish the game sooner than later so I can go back to my boring, mundane life. But at least shit got done in real life.

        P.S. It’s one of my favorite episodes. The Penny Blossom episode is good too. 🌸


      2. ***Used to be as in I used to collect games. I don’t collect them anymore but I still play games every so often if something catches my eye. Credit goes to the cashier at GameStop who recommended this one… I’m happy I listened to her. 🙂🤗


      3. It’s Nick’s favorite store so I often find myself in GameStop. We spend a lot of time window shopping in malls since it’s Nick’s favorite pastime. 🤦‍♀️

        It’s a great store though and your nephew has good taste. My issue is finding new games to play… idk what’s good on the market anymore since I stopped researching and collecting games.


  3. You are going to do awesome V. I would encourage you to be more active in your local political scene, you seem to be very passionate about politics. Research projects are great too, ive been thinking of one myself but I cant seem to get started. I’ve been stumbling around a little bit, I need to get my ass in gear. I enjoy your blog a lot, I dont think there is anything I have ever read here that is unproductive, LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank You ❤ I am passionate about politics, and I'm passionate about making people care more about politics and hope that more people understand just how the trickle down effect has an impact on everyone's lives.

      Get your butt in gear! This is me sending you motivation right now. lol


  4. Hello! I just found your blog and absolutely love it. So I must admit, I’m guilty of using “AF” but it all started out ironically… then next thing you know I could not stop saying it. Gah! Anyways just wanted to drop in and say “I see you” and “Keep it up!” with a “you’re an inspiration!”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, there’s nothing wrong with saying ‘AF’, I’m just being nitpicky with myself. Please don’t take it reflective of anything more than me being miserable and whiney. lol

      And thank you for the compliment. I appreciate you stopping by, reading and telling me you love this blog. Means I must be doing something right. So I really am grateful for that ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I envy you. As disheveled as you seem to feel, you sound like you are pretty together. Way more together and confident than I can relate to (though I absolutely relate to feeling disheveled). I wish you luck with your new project, and I have a feeling you’ll do very well with it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the well wishes, and for the compliment. I don’t know how together I am, but I am trying. I guess that’s what matters – all you can do for yourself is try. And hopefully you’re still trying too!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Great to read as always! And I get what you mean about nothing you write seeming good enough. I have that a lot, but I think I’ve just taught myself to love with not being the best writer. Unlike you, because you have an extremely enticing style, so don’t feel disheartened! A lot of people love what you write, including me!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I thought “AF” referred to the “autofocus” setting that can be used on a camera when doing photography… 😀
    I am very happy you are about to embark into a big project. Sending you continued good wishes, you are wonderful ❤


  8. Haha I like this most unproductive thing you had done all day. I love the randomness and the realness. I do have to agree being in my thirties is great. Still feel young and I am also more confident and wiser. Imagine that. Age does bring wisdom. 😘


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