I hate when people say “AF”, but I’m choosing to do it anyway. So perhaps I even hate myself a little tonight. We’ll see where the night takes me…
Sometimes I just sit here, at night, in front of this computer and write things to immediately delete them. Then I write more and proceed to delete that. Then I write more, and the vicious circle continues.
Nothing that I say seems good enough, important enough, or worthy enough of my time. So I try to fight those thoughts, but they keep coming up… how nasty thoughts always seem to behave.
Sometimes I feel like Stewart from the Big Bang Theory. Kind of just like… the extra character in everyone else’s life, struggling to figure out my own. Everyone seems like their lives are so together, like they’ve got it all figured out. Me, well on most days I feel like it’s a struggle to stay afloat, nevermind find my way to shore.
I’ve got a ton of things that I should be doing right now, a handful of people I’ve committed to collaborating with and a bed that is calling my name. And me, I’m here avoiding all of it. And probably will for at least the next few hours. Late nights, when it’s quiet, is often the only time of day I can truly feel like myself. As implied with my post from earlier today, I often feel as though I don’t fit in with my family. So, for me, after they all head to sleep for the night, that’s when I feel most myself.
Unrelated but, I miss Knight. Also, I could really use a cookie right now.
It’s amazing how much a year can change a person. I was thinking back about who I was at this time last year, I was so scared to turn 30. Like many, I thought that once you turned 30, things started to go downhill. In reality, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Even with all that’s happened this year, I’ve learned is how much stronger I am then I ever thought I could be. I’ve also learned how much I have. One of the most important things being my voice. For so many years I allowed my voice to be suppressed for ‘the greater good of the business’, and I really think that I lost myself in the process. Now, even with all the things I can think of that I don’t have, I feel more confident about my voice than ever before.
I saw a news story this afternoon about a semi-truck that was headed for London that 39 dead bodies were found in the back of. My heart breaks for the people who passed away in the back of that truck. My heart breaks for the families of the people who passed away in the back of that truck. All too often we can get so wrapped up with our truly blessed and privileged lives that it’s hard to think of such horrible things, like human trafficking, going on in this world. But the truth is, I think it happens a lot more than many of us could even imagine. I have so many questions. Did the truck driver know what was in the back of his truck? That he was driving dead bodies, victims of human trafficking? Or was he just a trucker in the wrong place at the wrong time?
I’ve decided to start a new project in my life and I’m really excited about it. At the encouragement of an incredible man, I am going to follow my dreams. Here’s to hoping that it doesn’t blow up in my face!
Also, I’ve been trying to follow the case of Natalia Barnett, the young Ukrainian girl who was screwed over and abandoned by her adopted parents. (I talked about the story here) Michael Barnett has been all over TV lately (so far as I can see, on at least three continents) peddling lies and trying to sway public opinion in his favour (I can only presume to try and avoid jail time). As of Oct 21, State Prosecutors in Indiana have filed an injunction to put a gag-order on the couple that would stop them from slandering their adopted daughter in the news, or in public in any way shape or form (story here). Which, hallelujah, I really hope it goes through. These people don’t deserve to lie on TV and to the media like they’ve been doing. It will mean the public no longer gets to hear anything of the story, but, for the protection of Natalia Grace, I can let my curiosity with the story go.
I’ve been working on a title page for a project about 4 hours now and the intricacies of it are one of the reasons why I despise graphic design. I’m just someone who taught myself how to use these design programs out of boredom. I am by no means a graphic designer, just someone who can do a not-half-bad job. To actual graphic designers, I have the utmost appreciation for what you do. This stuff takes so much time. So very much time!!!
Okay, I should get back to work right now. This has been the most unproductive thing I’ve done all day…