Don’t settle for anything just because it’s something.

Love hasn’t always been kind. Love hasn’t always been giving, or thoughtful or helpful. Love hasn’t always been good.

The first time I fell in love, I was over the moon. He was absolutely everything to me and held more power over me than I would ever like to admit to.

In my younger, more vulnerable years, lacking in self-confidence at the time (and for years after due to his treatment), I accepted his shitty treatment for longer than I would like to admit to. I didn’t just accept it, I welcomed it. He had anger issues. And, looking back, he had serious issues with depression as well. He really liked to take out his frustrations on me. Yelling, screaming, throwing things at me, insulting me, preying on my every insecurity, getting in his car and leaving me places, forcing me to find a way home on my own. These were just things I came to expect. While I was shocked the day I found out he was cheating on me, I look back now on his behaviour and I think of how I should have seen the signs. I should have known what was coming. I really shouldn’t have been surprised.

And every time he treated me poorly, like clockwork, he’d go buy a fancy piece of jewelry or an expensive pair of shoes, show up a day or two later with them tied together with a nice pink bow. Every time I saw a little pink bow, I forgave him. I don’t know why. I look back on it now and I think I was mighty stupid for accepting gifts as though it is/was/could ever be any apology for his shitty treatment of me.

I’ve always hated pink bows.

There’s a quote from a book (that I’ll admit I have ever read) that rings true for a lot of people in this world. In The perks of being a Wallflower, the quote is ‘We accept the love we think we deserve.’

How fucking true is that? (Please excuse my language)

It’s so relevant. People who think low of themselves, people who struggle with self confidence, they’re so easy to accept shitty treatment under the mask of ‘love’ just because they feel that’s all they deserve. I know this because that’s what I felt I deserved back then.

If you’ve been there, if you are there now, please know that you deserve more. Don’t feel bad for thinking you deserve more. Don’t feel bad for wanting more. Don’t settle for anything just because it’s something. Love should be better than that. You are worth more than that.

Love should be patient. Love should be kind. Love should be thoughtful and helpful, fulfilling and caring. Love should bring out the best in you. Love should never make you doubt your self worth. Love should never make you question your value.

If you’re there in a tough relationship now or if you’ve been there before, I completely I understand. I was that person who didn’t think there was anything better. And trust me, I was so wrong. Looking back now, I’m happy that I was wrong. Because he was a piece of shit. And now that I know better is out there, I have to believe better is out there for you, too.

I wish for everyone to find their Knight in shining armour. Or Knightess!(yeah, pretty sure I just made that up because there’s no female form of Knight, is there?)

59 thoughts on “Don’t settle for anything just because it’s something.”

  3. No, you were not stupid. Please don’t talk to or about yourself that way. You didn’t know better. There’s a difference between being stupid and have such low self worth you think you deserve what you get. As you so eloquently point out, love is a good thing. Love doesn’t hurt. Love DOES mean having to say you’re sorry (worst. Movie. Line. Ever.) and meaning it AND NOT DOING THAT BEHAVIOR AGAIN! An apology carries with it the implied social contract that you will do everything you can not to engage in that behavior again. It’s not a free pass to do it again!

    Two more things:
    1. We teach people how to treat us. Yea, it’s kind of like training dogs. Reinforce good behavior, disincentivize bad behavior. Don’t punish. Don’t hit.
    2. When people show you who they are, believe them. Sad to say I an not always a 1-time learner. I’ve needed to be shown over and over that someone is abusive.
    Ok, 3 things.
    3. Abuse is never acceptable. Ever. And it’s never your fault and it’s not your job to fix. (Unless you fix by leaving but there’s issues with that sometimes that makes that a trite, insulting answer.)

    I think your my favorite person right now. We’re we twins separated at birth and by 30 years? Stupid? Uh, no. It took me a LOT longer to learn all of what you just say.

    Pink ribbons are for little girls.

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    2. What movie is “Love does mean having to say you’re sorry” from?

      You’re right. On all accounts. I know you’re right. It’s basically exactly what 22 year old me needed to hear. And what I think a lot of people in this world still need to hear depending on what their present relationship status is.

      And yeah, pink bows are not the best choice…

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      1. Love Story. The line is “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” WTF, right? Love is ALL ABOUT saying you’re sorry when you’re wrong. Because sometimes, we are. Whether I snap at someone bc I just stubbed my toe or go on a rampage bc I just heard my SO say “I love you too” on the phone & went ballistic not realizing he was talking to his mother (which, BTW, is an excellent way to judge how he will treat YOU – by how he treats his mother). At some point in time, we all mess up. And we need to know how to apologize.

        Apologies contain the words:
        I am sorry
        I apologize
        Oh man, I really effed that up
        Gulp,errr…other assorted embarrassed sounds

        And so on.

        They do NOT (as one I received) contain a list of bad things that happened to people you don’t know then some shit about life being too short to blah blah blah I’m making apology-like sounds but am not actually apologizing because I am not taking responsibility for my actions, admitting wrongdoing or entering into the aforementioned social contract.

        Those non-apologies are always so special. I wish I had kept that text so I could have sent it back asking what it was. Because I was not sure what I was supposed to do with it. But I sure wasn’t going to pick it up. Just leaving it there on the floor where it fell.

        Sorry, little ramble. I got some sleep but definitely need more.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I love Atticus poem/quote “I wasn’t looking for a Knight – I was looking for a sword” when we love ourselves well – we accept nothing less in others but it can take a long time to get to that level of self esteem. Beautiful important post Thankyou for sharing

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      2. Thanks! I will. I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it because you’ve given me the motivation to write tonight. Your sharing the quote has inspired a future post. Thank you ❤

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  6. There is so much wisdom in The Perks Of Being a Wallflower. It’s funny that you never seem to notice bad behaviour towards yourself until you’re so far in that it’s nearly impossible to back out. Nearly impossible, but not completely.

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    1. Yeah, how true eh? You really don’t notice the bad behaviour until it seems too late.

      But, it only seems impossible! It can really, really seem impossible. But it’s never impossible to get yourself out of a bad situation and find the love and treatment you deserve. It’s just like telling yourself you can’t conquer Everest. Well, if you think you can’t then you won’t ever. Ya know?

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  7. I left a 20 year marriage after raising 4 boys. Listening to your heart is one of the most difficult things to do when you’re “IN IT”. I applaud you for listening and taking care of yourself.

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  8. Beautifully said V. Relationships are something that makes life so beautiful. But where there is beauty there is pain. I love your message of knowing your value and what you deserve. Love is life’s greatest gift and should be approached carefully. Waiting to find that someone who will make you complete. Thank you for sharing your wisdom ❤️

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    1. Chase a love from someone who says ‘Just one more kiss’ as they walk out the door and kisses you twice, ever time. Chase a love that listens to you, even when the stories aren’t positive and the moods aren’t high. Chase a love that understands, accepts and appreciates you for exactly who you are. Chase a love that makes you better, that makes you stronger and that lets you know you’re right where you belong ❤

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    1. I’ve noticed, and I speak from experience as well, when you lack self-respect, you are more willing to accept the shitty behaviour. We should be building each other up so that we can get our friends and family out of these shitty situations. Right? Right!

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  13. Life presented you with that awful individual because it knew that in the long run this experience would have somewhat helped you. Personally, i think that everything happens for a reason – maybe it can seem “ugly” but i’ll say it anyway: the best experiences i had in life were the ones that hurt me the most but a the same time TAUGHT me the most. Grandmas will shove you those bitter herbs down your throat because they know they’re good for you… y’know? 😀 and i’m sure many good things are in store for you milady!

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    1. I think you’re exactly right. The universe put him in my path so that I could learn from him. And me, I’m much better off without him but I’m also much better off because of him!

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  14. I can relate, because I was there too. And I made the same mistake a few times, because my self esteem had been crushed.
    And then I suffered something more traumatic than I thought could ever be possible to have happen to me – by a man who said he loved me.
    That was the last mistake I made, and it cost me dearly and was incredibly painful for 5 years.
    Out of it all, I grew. I gained some wisdom, and my self esteem eventually boosted.
    I’ve been one hundred percent single now for three years – much to most of my friends disgust. They keep wanting to set me up and send me pictures and gushes over various single men they know – I always joke and tell them, ”I’m single, not desperate”.
    But there’s some truth to that.
    Because I refuse to simply settle.
    I have not closed the door on future romance – it may be out there, and there may still be a chance for me to find a significant other to share my life with.
    Much to my best friends horror though, and amidst utterances of ‘but you’re still young’, if it ISN’T out there….then I am okay with that too.
    I have learnt my worth, and I respect myself too much to take love lightly and settle.

    Great post! Thank you for the reminder of who I am 😉

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    1. Good for you for standing up for yourself and for making sure that you don’t settle. When the time is right the right person will appear in your life. I truly believe that. The best part of this comment though, to me, is reading how strong you are. You sound like a pretty incredible person and knowing your worth is a big step of the battle.

      Thank you for sharing ❤

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      1. Thank you so much for this comment. It’s been a difficult journey and the strength and worth have taken a long time to develop. (I say develop because they’re actually there inside us). Every person has a wealth of amazing qualities just sitting inside them, dormant, waiting patiently to be developed. It requires dedication and a lot of hard work for them to spring into action. But it’s always fantastic when we get it right 😉

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  16. Great post, and coming at this time. I was just talking to a new acquaintance tonight, a woman of about 20 who was a teen mother. I asked if she is still with the father. No, he was abusive, going so far as to hit and choke her at eight months. Police were called. He is not incarcerated but has nothing to do either her or child.
    “Love should never make you doubt your self worth. Love should never make you question your value.” That is very true. But not finding love can do just that.
    You have some great points. Thanks.

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    1. That poor woman. At just 20 she’s been through so much! That’s probably going to hurt her for years to come. I hope she is able to get some help ❤

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  17. BRAVO!!!! Such a power-packed post Vee! Yeah! You’re definitely my kind of BEAUTIFUL!!! 🥰❤️😘 I love how you remind everyone to know their true value and to never settle for anything less than what they deserve! And everyone deserves REAL LOVE …… not the tarnished, greedy, selfish copycat version …….. but the pure love that doesn’t make people beg for it. …. the kind that truly celebrates others and sets them free!!! ❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕

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