I got the blues.

This is not directed towards anyone in particular (more like a handful of people in my life), this is just a culmination of thoughts I’m having as I reflect on the week that has passed.

To be totally honest, I just don’t know how to talk, or motion, my way out of this funk. I’m unhappy. Immensely unhappy. I know why I’m unhappy and there’s quite literally nothing that I can do to fix it. Not a fucking thing. This dark cloud has decided that it’s going to sit above my head for the time being and, from what I can tell nothing will dissipate the shit storm that it’s brought with it.

I’m tired of people telling me to just be happy, or just smile, or just let it go, or just go for a walk. Someone left a comment on here the other day that said ‘Perhaps if you went for a walk once in a while, rather than blogging, you’d be happier’. You want to piss me off in a real hurry? Explain away mental illness by implying that if someone exercised it would just go away.

I do walk. Every fucking day. Even when it’s -30 degrees Celsius (-22 Fahrenheit). I walk. I run. I routinely get 20,000 steps on my smartwatch. I also listen to calming music. I try stay away from stressful situations. I try to get adequate sleep. I take my vitamins, every single day. I try to nourish my body with the food that I’m putting into it. I try to do everything that possibly I can to minimize the effects of truly debilitating anxiety. And I still have it. Go figure!

So now what? Go for another walk? Will that fix it?

I’ve had a lot of things making me angry/unhappy this week and I’ve just been trying to keep my head afloat. I’m trying to do for others and occupy my mind, but some nights, like tonight (clearly), my thoughts just get the better of me. So, let me state this explicitly for anyone who does not understand…

Mental illness is not something that can be swept away with a brisk walk in the park. Mental illness is not something that people want, choose or ask for, and it’s most definitely not something they can control. Yes, you can take certain measures that help you cope. But that doesn’t fix things. That doesn’t make someone better, and it certainly doesn’t make the issue disappear.

If all of someone’s problems can be fixed by going for a walk, or smiling or just being happy, that’s not mental illness, that’s just a bad fucking day. So the next time you want to say something ignorant to someone who is suffering, don’t. Educate yourself. Ask yourself ‘will this really help them or am I just believing what I want to believe because I don’t know any better?’

I didn’t ask for this anxiety. I don’t want this anxiety. I certainly wish I cold be normal and happy-go-lucky and always see the brighter side but that’s not real. I need to be me.

Am I kind of a bummer sometimes? Yeah. I try my absolute best to not let it get the better of me but sometimes it does. Sometimes I just need to vent and let it out. I guess that’s what this is, because people have been pissing me off this week and I just need a break, a holiday and maybe a beer.

79 thoughts on “I got the blues.

  1. I have fortunately never suffered from mental illness so cannot for one moment imagine what you’re going through. However, articulating what you’re feeling on your blog clearly allows you to let off steam. Now, go get that beer!

    Liked by 5 people

    1. The beer, will have to wait for another life. Haven’t had a beer since I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease.
      But the venting does indeed help. Thank you for your kind note. ❤ I appreciated it tonight.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The struggle is real, and it’s okay for you to feel however you’re feeling because that’s what you’re feeling after all. It’s never wrong. In my depression episodes, especially when feeling helpless, sometimes I just let myself be sad and tell myself I’m in a funk and that I’m just gonna be in a funk right now and that’s all I’m gonna do cuz theres nothing else I can do at the moment. And sometimes that helps a little. Just to hear myself say it. It seems like this blog does that for you, and that release can be much healthier than a walk:). Appreciate your realness, and hoping for your wellness. One day at a time:)

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank You! This is so sincere. And honestly, you’re so right. Sometimes you just need to let yourself be able to be in a funk so that you can hopefully get through it. If you bury it, it’ll just rear it’s ugly head over and over and over.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Anxiety fucking sucks. I empathise with you because, as we’ve discussed before, I too know how debilitating it can be. Remember last week when I missed a day of work because I couldn’t get out of bed? Fun times! I truly believe those who offer misguided “help” are simply uninformed and can’t relate (and good for them, those lucky folks!) but truly mean well. Because I’m (thankfully) on the other side of the darkness you’re currently feeling, trust me when I say that there are brighter days coming. When? Who knows. But hold onto that knowledge that one day life won’t make you feel like you’re climbing up a hill as sewage runs down over you. And by all means, vent if it makes you feel better. It’s YOUR blog and you can do whatever the heck with it that you want. 💕

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I read this about an hour ago, and honestly, when I did, I started to cry. Thank you for this tonight. Thank you for the words of wisdom and the motivation. And thank you for saying something that didn’t suck. ❤ Thank you for your kindness.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The things you write about resonate with so many of us. Thank you for normalising what has always been a topic only whispered about. I see it as us being allies supporting each other, just doing our best, to keep moving forward at times. Have a great Saturday. Hopefully there’s a glimmer of improvement.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I understand your pain. I try really hard to let comments from the uninformed bounce off my back, but sometimes it just wears you down. You can’t be strong all the time, and anyone who doesn’t understand having bad days can take a long walk off a short pier (if they are such big fans of walking). I’m sorry you’re struggling, and I sincerely hope things turn around soon. ♥️

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I hate when people think regular stress and anxiety disorder are one and the same. Yes, you can relieve stress by taking walks and living healthily but the same can’t be said for anxiety. I totally understand your frustration, as someone who’s been dealing with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, nothing pisses me off like when people say “all you need to do is be more positive”.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ohhhh I’m feeling everything in this post right now. So much so. My family are the type of people that think mental illness is something people make up to get out of doing things and that therapy isn’t needed and people who go are wasting money when they could invest it in a gym membership, or theories of this sort. It’s hard to explain. Which is crazy because I’m 99% sure that my dad suffers from anxiety and just has never, and will never admit to it (likely because of how my family acts about it). It’s hard to explain to people who just don’t get it.

      It’s crazy… people spend so much time saying things like ‘all you need to do is be more positive’, when if they really wanted to help, they could just sit down with you and listen for 10 minutes, a half hour. Just let you get your thoughts out of your head and be open to it. I bet that’d help a hell of a lot more than them saying ‘Just be happy!’

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      1. I totally agree! I guess I could say I was sort of lucky, both my dad and my sister have suffered from mental issues so when my symptoms started they recognised what it was at once and got help. However, I come from a small town where everyone knows everyone and where mental issues are a huge embarrassment, and those people made it so much worse… In the end, we all moved to the capital where people are more used to such stuff and actually want to help you. While I was in my home town, I think most people would hang out with me only to find out more about me visiting a shrink and then laugh about it behind my back.

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    1. Thank You ❤ Sorry the feeling is mutual. I hate knowing other people deal with this type of shit too. But, on the other hand, it is nice to know I'm not alone. Still, though… sorry.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I see you, I hear you 🙂 I’m in the pit with you. It’s exhausting. As always, thank you for your honesty. I work with a woman who is superficially cindy loo hoo or whatever the F her name is and I want to rip her head off. I avoid her like the plague. I’ve seen her dark underbelly that she hides under her superficiality super suit and it’s quite off putting. Thank you for keeping it real.
    Right now every day feels like I’m trudging through quick sand, mentally and physically. I’m afraid to give in because I feel like I’ll have a nervous breakdown and get carried away with no return………..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I hear you so much right now ❤ Sometimes venting from the quicksand for a two minute break helps to remind you that you need to take more steps. I highly recommend it.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t want to smack them, but I hear you. I just wish they’d try to understand, rather than assuming they’re just right and everyone else is wrong.

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  7. I think some people just inherently don’t understand what mental illness is. The reason why it is an illness is because you can’t “be happy” or “stop worrying”. Like you literally can’t. I’ve got issues with anxiety and if I could just “stop worrying” or just “think about something else” then I wouldn’t have a problem… But that isn’t how it works.
    Nobody looks at someone with the flu and asks if they’ve just tried to stop coughing so much.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. When I got out of the military. I had a lot of anxiety toward real life. A little gas station clerk told me to eff myself after asking for ice. I pulled him from his side of that counter and put him in a chokehold with my thumbs. I wasn’t very proud of that. I had to work at it. I still know the stress and triggers are there I just hesitate to react to them. I did, do like you maybe. A transfer, to fitness and started doing triathlons. In the end, I think strong will has to overcome their own mental awareness. Drugs and therapy are a crutch until we learn to find that capacity.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do agree that drugs and therapy are definitely a crutch until we learn the way to deal with it ourselves. You’re absolutely right there. That’s really cool that you found your outlet that helped you overcome. I really hope to find an outlet to help me deal at some point. I couldn’t even imagine the amount of anxiety one gets coming out of the military and returning to civilian life.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are doing well to, isolate. Writing. Is good. Who cares how it sounds just let it out. Age. Definitely helps I think because we are all made of a bunch of chemicals. Even love. As we age, everything kind of dials in to the right amount a lot easier. I’m old. It’s nice. I mean, I’m at the age where I’m supposed to stress about whatever the TV tells me too. I laugh. Their dumb, and I go for a walk. Thoreau, had similar issues and it makes Walden more of an untangled man than treaty to solitude. We can, become so high strung we don’t even want to be around ourselves but it is also us that know the techniques to come down from the ledge.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Take a break if you need it V. Defo take a beer and just be yourself. We are here because we want to be in your company. Anyone here for another reason maybe shouldn’t be here. Bugger ’em. Do what you need to do. Shout when you need to shout. It’s all ok.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Good post. It’s sad when people don’t understand and offer up rubbish advice. I don’t think they’re even sincerely trying to help. They’re just pretending to offer up words that they think could be comforting. When I’m in a funk, I have no idea what to do. I try a whole host of things until something starts to work. Usually, writing does help me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s so true, eh? They’re not even trying to help, they’re just trying to awkwardly move the subject or conversation along, or try to change it. “Just be happy…. ” ten seconds later “oh by the way did you hear?”

      I think writing helps me too. I wish for you to find someone who listens to you, because venting does help, if someone’s willing to listen ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  11. As I am a straight forward person, I am going to tell you few things which you might feel bitter and you mightn’t like them. You are over reacting. People wants to help you. I agree that some people are mean but it doesn’t mean that everyone is trying to demean or mock you. You have to accept that some advice you might not like but it’s up to to you to follow it or not, no one is forcing you to follow it. I may sound rude but I am only telling the truth.

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    1. Thanks for your take. While I appreciate your support and your willingness to be provide honest feedback, I’d encourage you to remember that this blog is only a small fraction of what happens in my life and therefore only I can really determine whether I’m adequately reacting to what’s been going on (shared or kept private) or if I’m overreacting.

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      1. I have gone through the same phase as you are going so I can understand what you are saying but it is also a fact that if you post a blog, people will obviously comment and when they will comment, you might like some and you mightn’t like some. I have no intention to judge you as I don’t know about your life.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. V, your post is such a poignant and moving account it made me think about how tough it must be. Sharing this is so precious and valuable to those looking in. You must never stop blogging and sharing!
    Wishing you better times, better places …. ❤️x

    Liked by 1 person

  13. It’s always the same responses from people who don’t have a clue. Exercise, stop worrying, be positive, don’t overthink. I always reply the same way and simply tell them that I don’t want this and if it was that easy, I wouldn’t have it. Anxiety is a horrific thing to have to live with. Especially so because it’s unrelenting. Sending love x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Tell me about it. I want some respite from the eternal panic. Even when it’s not conscious, it’s scrabbling away in the background like something gnawing at the back of mind and twisting my gut. I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time just now too.

        Like

  14. Oh yes, I feel the same this time of the year, near the holidays and it’s dark out early 😦
    I also walk most days and it helps a little but not entirely. I can be heredity too. I find it harder to write or do videos, because really, I don’t feel like it. It can be a struggle.
    I hope you feel better soon. I know I usually feel better once the 1st of January passes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know why I’m just seeing this now, over a month later but I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for this comment. I too find it harder to focus and function when I get like this. The struggle is seriously real.

      Like

  15. I’m late to this post but wanted to wish you well. I also hate when people act like there’s an easy fix. They have an intolerance for anything that isn’t easy to fix in their own lives. Which is half of society’s whole problem. So they run their mouth to deal with that intolerable feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. i really agree with you, people put labels on us human beings with a mental illness and its horrible, we arent dolls we cant just go for a walk and everything will be better. We have to deal with things our own way thats what i wrote in my first post. Anyway well said hun xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know why I am only seeing this now but I just wanted to say thank you. For your comment. For reading. I agree we aren’t dolls and you can just write away the sadness… it sucks.

      Like

  17. Hugs. I know what it’s like. Don’t hide the sadness or feel ashamed. I will say though that your depression isn’t you. It’s an illness. It’s like saying the flu is you. You are not your illness. You haven’t chosen it. You aren’t making it up. It can’t be cured by positive thoughts, or smiles, or walks, or pretending.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Keep being you. And if no one gets it they can do one. Anxiety isn’t something you can switch on and off, it’s a debilitating mental issue.

        Like

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