The ‘Insta Famous’ Starter Kit

So, you want to be Insta Famous? I don’t blame you. With people raking in millions of dollars for posting selfie after selfie after selfie of themselves it looks like a really easy way to get rich.

Make no mistake though, this is a really difficult industry to break into. Why? Because it’s so saturated. With so many beautiful people in this world, you need to find yourself a means to stand out. And how do you stand out? By being exactly like the rest of them, clearly.

To become Insta Famous, you will need:

  • To wear A LOT of makeup, but to always tell your followers that you’re not wearing makeup and that you’re ‘naturally this pretty’
  • To not be afraid of putting on that bikini when it’s needed! Does it make sense to have a photo of yourself wearing a bikini at the edge of the Grand Canyon? Of course it does! Girl, put on that bikini and wander out to the edge for the best view possible.
  • To always remember – Pics or it didn’t happen!
  • It is typically going to take twenty to thirty minutes of arranging the food on your table at the restaurant and arrange good lighting to ensure that you get the best picture of all food ordered to make others jealous they’re not there with you right now. Also, your food will be cold by the time you get to eat it. That’s just a fact of life you’re going to have to deal with.
  • To not smile. Don’t ever smile. Smiling isn’t sexy and you need to be sexy to be Insta Famous
  • Lip Injections couldn’t hurt, if you can afford them. If you can’t afford them then just grossly over-line your lips. Remember, we want to look as much like Kylie Jenner as possible
  • To purchase the premium FaceTune account. It’s only $80 a year, and honestly, your face cannot look like it has pores, so honey, just buy it.
  • To always tag a brand. Yeah, you know that portion of Instagram where it says ‘Who’s in this picture?’ Don’t tag the people in the photo, silly. TAG BRANDS! Tag all the brands! You want them to see your photo and how beautiful you are and how sought after you are. After all, if they know you’re name, that’s when they’ll send you all of the free things.
  • To abide by the rule that you cannot ever post a picture of anyone but yourself. After all, people are going to come to your Instagram to see how beautiful and sexy you are. They don’t want to know that you have friends, or family. That’s not important.
  • To write long, meaningful, deep captions about how difficult it is to be so beautiful and how hard your life is because you have to deal with all sorts of things that we aren’t aware of and that you’ll never talk about.
  • To always stand in front of the most plain background possible! This will make face-tuning your entire body easier. Face-tuning with cobblestone streets in the background gives away that you’ve been editing yourself. Standing in front of that famous pink wall in LA? No one will ever know that you shaved twelve inches off your waist!
  • If you’re going to post an ad, please make sure that you post the most elaborate or contentious ad that you can possibly think of! That’s how people are gong to remember it! Scored an advertisement for coffee creamer? PERFECT! Take that creamer on a run with you and snap that photogenic picture at the top of the the hill, overlooking fields of green and beautiful landscape all behind you. People are going to ask themselves ‘WHY, WHY, WHY?’ so much, they’ll remember your ad, and that product. Get it, girl.
  • Workout pictures are a must. Because you must look like you’re working out at least five days per week. Aesthetic is everything.
  • If you can bleach your hair, it wouldn’t hurt. You don’t have to… but if you do, you’ll stand out more among all the other’s who have bleached hair.
  • Make sure that you’re never seen in the same outfit twice. Reusing outfits is unacceptable. This world is about hyperconsumerism… so get on board and do not, under any circumstances, rock the boat.
  • Any time that you can take a picture of yourself on a plane is a definite bonus. You need to make other’s jealous of your life! If you cannot afford to travel, have no fear. There are now people who ‘pimp out’ their private planes for Instagram Influencers to rent in half-hour stints to get their travel photos taken! Bring a couple of outfits, change quickly and you can have content for the next six months if you’re smart about it!
  • Host a fake giveaway! Require everyone who enters to follow you, as well as everyone included in your caption! Then, have them tag six of their closest friends in the comments. All publicity is good publicity and people love the opportunity to earn free stuff!
  • Oh and you musn’t answer any comments that you get on your posts. Unless you want to be mean. If you’re going to be mean, then definitely answer the comments. Tell people to butt out of your life, or that they’re too nosy or that they shouldn’t judge you. That ALWAYS goes over well.
  • Do it for the gram! Honestly, everything and anything you do, just make sure that you’re doing it with the mindset of what great Instagram photos you’re going to get. You’ll never go wrong, I promise you!

This list was inspired by a recent Instagram Account I found – ‘influencersinthewild’. If you’d like a good laugh, I strongly encourage you check it out!

Please note – Everything in this post is meant to be taken in a satirical sense. I am not Insta Famous, and honestly, I’m probably the last person you’d ever want to consult if you wanted to be Insta Famous. I genuinely don’t understand the Industry, or the human race for that matter.

72 thoughts on “The ‘Insta Famous’ Starter Kit”

  2. ๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿ”ซ

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      5. Nooooooo.
        There’s a girl who has a Youtube channel called Millennial Life Crisis. That’s that girl. She lives in Seattle.
        It’s became a popular name for blogs and vlogs and sites the past couple of years. Tis why I am millenniallifecrisis.org… someone already owned millenniallifecrisis.com and millenniallifecrisis.ca

        Liked by 1 person

      8. The little icon with the bun and the eyelashes is just a stock photo. And to be quite fair – it looks like a lot of females on this earth. You know what I mean? When I switched to that icon it was solely because I was getting a lot of comments and emails from people presuming I was a man. I thought if a female icon on there, it might make more people think I was a girl and less people think I was a man.

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  4. You forgot my favourite..
    Go to (insert religious/memorial/hella serious site) and take glamorous selfies. Climb up onto that statue meant to be commemorating all the lives lost in (insert horrific historical event). Ignore the serious people around you. They’re just jealous, and trying to kill your vibe. Peace signs in front of Auschwitz with your tits out, hair blowing like you’re Beyonce with a wind machine and duck lips get you extra points. And go!

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    1. OHHHHHHHHHHHH YES. A couple days ago I saw some photos Priyanka Chopra took at the Holocaust Memorial with #Berlin #SightsToSee

      Oooh and the Insta Famous peeps that wear their bikinis to Chernobyl or dive into the Toxic Russian Lake. Yeah, those too.

      There’s so many!

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      2. YES! Google It. The Russian government actually had to start detaining people in 2019 because it became an ‘Instagram Hot Spot’ to go. If you google it, there’s quite a few pictures of skinny girls in bikinis and gas masks at Chernobyl…

        Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s a major reason that I enjoy your blog: because you call people out on their bullshit, expect decency from people and will make fun of those with egos bigger than their butt implants. LOL ๐Ÿ‘ฏ

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      2. Thank you for the compliment!
        Also – how uncomfortable would it be to have butt implants? I don’t know if I could deal. Also, could you imagine having to tell people you have butt implants?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Right? Especially those botched jobs people get from shady doctors that you hear about every so often.

        “Why does your but look like 2 bunches of grapes?”
        “Erm, it’s TOTALLY natural. Yeah, that’s it. #flauntwhatyourmamagaveyou #wokeuplifethis #nofilter”

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Haha, I recently got a selfie at the LA Pink Wall, and I saw SO many tourists there. There’s really nothing to the wall at all, except that it’s bubblegum pink. I admit I partake in the IG culture, but I would never sell myself to become IG famous. No brands, no sponsors…just beautiful photos of the places I go to!

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    1. I love looking at Instagram’s filled with pictures of landscapes and weather and incredible sights. I get bored when I see an instagram filled with only one person’s face. The pink wall, I don’t really understand. Like it’s a wall. I could just paint a wall here pink… why would I go all the way to LA to see that? I don’t get how it’s a tourist trap. Perhaps I’m missing something…

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      1. ‘ Life is better in a bikini’ ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ‘™please check out the article i have written on this and it gets even better when you wear it riding your motorbike๐Ÿ check out the article I have written on this titled ‘Riding motorbike makes me happy’. So maybe combining the two together can make me Insta famous?!…๐Ÿ˜‚ Will have to test the theory next time I find myself in the Grand Canyon… Watch that space …. all done in the spirit of testing an untested theory and not for personal gain of course ๐Ÿ˜‰

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  18. This was so accurate and it made me giggle! I wonโ€™t lie I used to be caught up with being โ€œinsta famousโ€ until I realized its all bullshit. Im so happy posting no makeup bull shit selfies with my son and my quotes โค๏ธ

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    1. Oh my god! I just found it like less than a week ago. It is hands down my favourite Instagram account. I love it soo much! Thank you for reading, I am glad you had a good laugh!

      Liked by 1 person

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  24. I loved this! I spoke to a wannabe influencer recently, who had no idea, she wants free stuff, free holidays and wants it now! I’m just a blogger no dreams of influencing anyone but I thought this post was so funny! I like your other posts too, very honest!

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    1. I think people who are influencers or wanna be influencers just have this ‘entitlement’ to them… they think they deserve things for free just for existing. It really drives me crazy. People in any other industry or under any other circumstance, acting like that would get knocked back down to earth/reality real quick… but when an influencer does it, it’s supposed to just be accepted.

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