Sporadic thoughts at 1:30 AM

I’m scared to admit my true feelings because, if I dare speak them into existence, I am required to face them. Facing fears is not something I’m good at. Facing misery is not something I line up to do. Facing dysfunction is not something I’m wired to do.

But everyone does it.

So why can’t I?

What’s wrong with me? Why does it feel like everyone around me is moving forward with their lives, at rapid speeds no less, whilst I am sitting around twiddling my thumbs and getting sick over and over and over. Yeah, I know how to stop getting sick – stop hanging out with people who are sick. It’s kind of hard to do when that’s EVERYONE this time of year. But the rest of it, I don’t know how to fix something if I’m not even sure why it’s that way to start with.

Maybe it’s karma.

Maybe karma is kicking me in the ass for all those years of being an unruly teenager, dating a drug dealer, leaving the country without my parent’s knowledge. I swear I straightened out when I hit my twenties, but for a few years there, I’m sure I was the child, and sister, from hell.

I believe in signs from the universe. I guess I really ought to remind myself that the universe always balances itself out somehow.

It’s 1:30 am and I am awake because sleeping is hard when it’s hard to breath. I am, in fact, Sheldon Cooper in female form when I am sick. The difference between Sheldon and myself is that I have no one here to sing soft kitty. Everyone here just tells me to stop whining and get over it.

Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

52 thoughts on “Sporadic thoughts at 1:30 AM

  1. No, don’t believe in karma. There are just sequence of this that happens in life that might seem like it happens for a reason and that the universe is punishing you but it’s not that. Hardwork and patience gets paid. Everyone has their timeline you see. There are newborns that runout of time in some days and there are people who live for an entire century. Some people get “successful” at a young age and some people discover themselves in their 60s. Our lives are not vehicles running in a highway and you are not stuck in that lane that does not move. I am sure great things await’s you. Sometimes the time you are given is the time for you to get armed, equipped and ready for whatever that is waiting for me.
    I went through the same phage where it seemed like my live stopped moving forward and everyone around me was leaving. But now I understand that their timeline is not a reference to mine.
    I know it’s hard to fight these thoughts when everything around you proves it to be true but I hope to encourage you and to tell you that I read read your posts and eagerly wait for the post were you say that the wait is over.
    Sending lots and lots of love,
    😉

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  2. My goodness! Please ignore my mistakes. I just wanted to send it as quickly as possible. And i can’t delete the comment so…
    1. There are just sequence of things
    2. …Good things awaits you…
    3. …ready for whatever that is waiting for you.
    4. I went through the same phase where it seemed like my life..

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  3. What’s eating you up then? If you feel like you can’t say it out loud, can you write it down or find some other way to vent a little? Plus, your past doesn’t define your future. We’ve all been young and impulsive and done things that rubbed others the wrong way. Doesn’t make you a bad person and doesn’t automatically mean you have to suffer for it. Life’s just an absolute series of disasters for us to navigate and it’s infuriatingly difficult.

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      1. Do I have too? Guess I’m making a stop. Meet me at the airport in… well can you make it to London? I reckon a layover in London would be a lot easier to book than a layover in Glasgow. lol

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha! That seems like a fair compromise. See you in London then? What time you getting in? At least I’m on the way, would be worse if you had to come back on yourself 😀

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    1. I actually have prescription sleeping pills. I’m not allowed to take them right now though.

      I took melatonin a lot a few years back. I think I reached a point where it just stopped working for me because I took it too much.

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  4. Some call it fate, some call it karma many pagans like me call it wyrd. The beauty of it is it is a constant flow. Its highly likely that this down period for you will result in improvements over time. We are all rooting for you V, hang in there !

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  5. Well I’m not really sure what I truly believe… I am a good person and always have been, but life seriously put the hammer down on me for 3 years…

    I do believe things happen for a reason, and I think I had to go through things to learn lessons? Or at least I took away lessons from all my hard stuff, which IS and HAS made me stronger.

    It’s also changing the way I see, and how I approach.

    And yes… I still have things I avoid so I am still learning to face things, and how to handle – which is always hard… I am facing them little by little to get them off my back. I am learning to be free and live for myself for the first time ever.

    It sounds like you might possibly have some lessons to learn or think about? Maybe life is trying to force you to let go? Or face fears or believe in yourself more?

    It just takes one win, to get your motivation going… what do you truly want in life? Is there something holding you back? And is there anything you want that you aren’t sure how to approach or know if you have the strength? Cause sometimes saying your true feelings will set you free… it’s not easy!!

    It’s just a moment in time, try to take away good lessons in order to strengthen yourself – then go for that win… keep trying …you will get one.

    Remember to believe in yourself as much as possible – your past doesn’t matter – don’t beat yourself up… let it go… focus forward

    Anyway – I guess I had a lot of lessons to learn – but it does help me protect myself and then learn how to do for myself… I did need those lessons. I am stronger for it… and I look at it like this … life tried to crush me… I’m ready to crush life now… so bring it!

    I would like to say “no fear” … lol but I am not that enlightened yet lol – eventually …

    Oh yeah one last thing … which is hard, but it might help… think and believe as positively as possible! Try not to be negative cause that will pull you down…

    I even try not to… I get nervous and feel panic – but I want to believe positively and hope for the best… my life has been changing – not sure if that’s why? But it’s been quite the ride. No one ever said life would be easy

    Be strong – you can do it… it does get better when you are ready to move forward

    Maybe life is just teaching you lessons? I dunno but I think that’s been my case?

    I hate lessons lol… but I am strong… hope you feel better and life finally gives you that major win 😘✌️

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    1. Thank you for the pep talk. I do know that I have a lot to learn and I do know that I think negatively far too often. It’s hard when you get yourself in a spiral and you don’t know how to come out of it. You know what I mean?

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  6. Another approach to dealing with a terrifying mysterious ‘It’ is to focus on problems that have solutions where progress can be made though the problems addressed can be difficult. By the way I have not read ‘It’ or seen the movie. Also avoid movies about apocalypses.

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      1. You could read a good book to take your mind of a terrifying ‘It’. You stated on your About page that you are entranced by books. I recently wrote a book entitled Republic of Helios. The book is on Amazon Kindle. The subtitle of the book Book I of the Utopia Trilogy. At first the subtitle was Book I of the Anti-Apocalypse Trilogy but I think Anti-Apocalypse was a turn off for a lot of individuals. Anyway Republic of Helios ends on a very hopeful note.

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  7. The past is behind you, the future isn’t here yet. It’s hard but beneficial to stay in the present moment, today. Remember you are not the “old you”, you are todays you, and yes you can and will move forward. Blessings to you V.

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  8. In a way, you are speaking your true feelings right here on this blog. It might not be EVERYTHING you want to say but it’s a start. I think that karma exists but I believe that it exists within ourselves. Karma to me is how we choose to perceive the world around us. Our own minds can create heaven or hell for us and our minds are very manipulative. There’s people living in third world countries who are probably a lot happier and more content than we are. I know it’s hard to feel cheerful when you’re sick so hang in there! There’s probably a delivery service for “half sandwiches” from the Cheesecake Factory.

    Do you practice a gratitude journal? I highly suggest taking 5 min a day to write down everything you’re grateful for. Do this every damn day. You could start with a list of 3 things and go from there. That alone will likely put you in a happier headspace. ☕️💕

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    1. I don’t have anything to be grateful for. Yeah, that’s not me trying to be ungrateful or ask for pity, that’s jus tme pissed at the world and not willing to celebrate that which doesn’t deserve to be celebrated.

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      1. The more you practice gratitude journalling, the easier it becomes. Through my eyes, there’s a lot of things you have that I don’t have, that I wished I had, and that I would trade for any day. As the saying goes, “the grass is always greener on the other side.”

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  9. There are no perfect answers to life’s questions, but I find analyzing the problem helps to ease the pain.
    Why are you afraid?
    Why should you be miserable?
    Who says it’s a dysfunction?
    Just my methodology. Introspection can be a strong ally.

    The depth and substance of each person’s fears are unique. Mine are the void and abrupt loud noises (balloons popping, in particular), with many lesser fears along the way. I’m of the opinion one should strive to understand themselves regardless of like or dislike, but different backgrounds bring different outcomes and I can see how it might be scary. But no one knows what they’re capable of unless they know themselves.

    You can’t rest and move forward simultaneously. There’s a time for everything, even for doing nothing. Rest, recover, then take on the worries of tomorrow. The more you stress now, the more your body has to work to recover (and the less sleep you’ll get). Life can be a heavy burden, but if you take it on too soon it can put you right back in bed.

    Sometimes, no news from the universe is good news. You’re still alive and that’s a blessing in and of itself. Maybe there’s a reason you’re sick right now. Maybe it’s all hogwash and germs just suck. Either way, you’re here and you’re trying, which is all that matters.

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  10. We all go through rough spots, ebbs and flows..peaks and valleys. It’s only natural, dark must have light. The balance of life. I know when you’re in it, it’s so hard to see the other side let alone believe that there is one. I have been cruising along finally feeling pretty damn fantastic in my life and then BOOM the last two days knocked me down, laid me up and sent me to my knees. I cried more in the past 2 days then I have in awhile. I totally didn’t see it coming.
    I too believe strong in karma and signs from the Universe. Last week you posted about being sick and not having much to do and I told you I started a new book. It’s called, “You were born for this” by Chani Nicholas. She is an astrologer and her book is based around reading your birth chart and having radical acceptance of self. I’m really enjoying it. She’s Canadian too. In the first part she talks about her upbringing and unconventional life, dysfunction and getting to finally know and understand herself later in life. That part really resonated with me because that’s how my life has unfolded too. It’s easy to look around and compare ourselves to our friends and lived ones but it’s si self defeating. I speak from experience V because I have done that to myself for far too long. I believe things will pick up for you. Winter is a hard time. It’s cold, dark and naturally kind of depressing. Thinking of you my friend😊❤

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    1. Thank you for always being so kind and such a cheerleader for me. I know it probably sounds stupid when I say cheerleader, but every time I see one of your comments it’s always so nice and motivational. Thank you for that ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s not stupid at all, that’s what my fiance says! He also likes to call me his cheerleader. I’m a naturally positive, see the silver lining g in every situation person. It’s my hardwiring. Plus, I have spent yrs exactly where you are. In between jobs and frustrated with what I see going on in society. I genuinely enjoy your blog and I’m happy you are here in this space. I spent those yrs I me toned very isolated and alone so I make it my mission to spread some joy and kindness wherever I go. It’s natural for me. I pleases me that at least for a moment or two I can make you smile. You are so deserving of something awesome V….that’s what my spidey senses tell me. It’s coming….patience and time is all you need right now my friend😊❤

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  11. Dangerous thinking when you fall into the trap you are somehow being punished because at in itself will punish you. Watch some motivational videos a bit of Abraham Hicks – get yourself into a more positive frame of mind and create an upward spiral – we fulfil our thoughts – change your thoughts – I know that sounds like positive thinking clap trap ..,but it is true.

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  12. I think this is such at natural feeling to have at a certain point in your life. I used to stay up wondering who I would be, how I would get there…life gets you to the next stage regardless of what you’ve planned.

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  13. The law of karma simply means, the law that governs a water born planet, these laws were set by the God Almighty who hung this planet on air. The things you did when you were a teenager was because of the Kind of body you have and the nature of that body. This plain is a training ground, and the training comes in different phases. Stop feeling guilty, forgive yourself. To avoid having cold often time, take warm drinking water, always have a warmth bath, take natural ginger tea.

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  14. Whoa, at least you put yourself out there and learned different routes in life. I’m still in my own little bubble and the comfort of my bed. Hope you’re not regretting any of that because i can only image the wise and funny stories you’ve gathered from those experiences!

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      1. Yeah, bad karma sucks but guess what? Good karma exists too. So if you believe in the bad, you must believe in the good (that’s just how life works), which means good will come around eventually. I like to believe everything happens for a reason. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane.

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  15. You’re not alone friend! Sometimes I feel like everyone’s life is moving along so fast, especially other writers, when I’m just slowly crawling, hardly making any progress. But believe me, every little step is progress. Just try and remember that, yeah? It’s so hard to do at times, but I’m here for ya. 🙂 *hugs*

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