Today’s been hard.

I feel like the walls are caving in on me.

And, as I hear that there’s easily another month of quarantine ahead of us (probably more because… well… look at what’s happening in the USA), I’m feeling trapped.

I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m annoyed.

I have an ear infection, a horrendous headache and I would sell my soul for some chocolate and vodka right now.

Tensions are high in this household today. Actually, tensions are pretty high with everyone in my life lately. I’m just over here trying to stay quiet and be helpful and it doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters. They’re still beating up on me anyways. (Metaphorically. Not literally, thank god)

Nothing that I say is right.

Nothing that I do is right.

Why do I even try?

83 thoughts on “Today’s been hard.

  1. I am sorry to hear this. I am sending good vibes your way. I pray things get better for you and for us all. I can definitely appreciate the idea of tensions being high, as I am in the U.S. watching all of the chaos unfold around us. I wish you a fabulous weekend and may it be better than today.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry for the chaos you’re dealing with in the States right now. I’m seeing it unfold from north of the border and I really wish I could shake some sense into some people! I hope you’re staying healthy, and as sane as possible. ❤

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    1. But if I were you, I’d stay calm, be an observer. Find lots of awareness in every interaction. Take care of yourself, stay soft and tender, you’ll make it through one day at a time. You’ll learn so much about yourself through this. Breath deep 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your calming messages. I hope I learn a lot through this.
        I hope you’re safe and healthy and that you’re taking the necessary precautions to stay that way ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh V, I wish I could hug you. You need a really tight hug. You know me by now and what I usually say😉 I hope you find something to disrupt the thoughts so you can have some peace. Perhaps a funny movie? I hear ya on the chocolate and vodka😊
    I am sending you love from afar my dear❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. A hug is exactly correct. This touched me because in my own difficult situation living with family, this was exactly something I needed a lot of times. That kind of situation is no trivial matter and it makes me feel good that you noticed that.

      There’s a big dearth of emotional comfort there, V 🙁.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I too have lived with my family and it isn’t easy as an adult. Right now I’m living with my partner’s family which is prickly. I am a big hugger and I have to say it’s the thing I miss the most. A good hug is medicine and can definitely turn your frown upside down 😊❤
        I love our friendship on here, V and Robin. We need a hug sandwich😊😊😊
        I used to do that with my sons when they were little. No they are 15 and 18 and not so much LOL😂

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I’m not a hugger, but I do appreciate the sentiment. I’ve been held up in my room, watching American news most of the night. I’m just… baffled by it all. I know I should shut it off but I can’t help but worry about the impact it will have on the world. I’m not an alcoholic, but a few glasses of vodka would definitely lessen my edge tonight…

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I would urge you to turn off the news, it’s really just a huge distraction and entertainment at this point here, I mean we elected a reality TV star for the Presidency so lol……I refuse to allow it in our home.
        A few shots are definitely something I wouldn’t mind either.
        I really value my WordPress friends because we have an understanding of each other through our writing and sharing ideas. It means a lot to me.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I love hugs too. Not sure about the sandwich, though! Lol. And I know V would hate it even more 😆. Funny, in the last year I lost my embarrassment about hugging people. Now I just ask appropriate people for a hug when I think of it :D.

        How cute, about your sons haha. Yes, not surprising they won’t put up with that anymore! 🤣

        Sorry you’re missing out on hugs, too! And experiencing some lockdown tension.

        🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

        Oh I really value our friendship too! Friends on here have been lifesaving, I have barely any in real life lol, and those I have don’t keep in touch anyway 😆.

        Liked by 2 people

      5. I keep in touch with you guys more than I keep in touch with people that live in my town. And that’s not even to do with social distancing. lol

        Liked by 2 people

      6. Haha! Well, same here! Nobody ever calls me, it’s all one way. I have long-time friends who live 40 miles away in London, and they never call, nor have been interested in meeting up (before lockdown), except when I mention it! They don’t even message me. So fuck, I made new and better friends through WordPress!

        And I’ve found that even online contact can be very healthy, when it’s with the right people! 😄

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Hahaha glad I could give you a good laugh Robin! My friends on here are always reliable and we can bond over shared interests and understanding. It’s quite beautiful 😊❤

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  3. sending love your way. this is an incredibly difficult time and we’re navigating in un-chartered territory. it’s okay to not always be strong. i’ve had more breakdowns than I care to admit but we must keep pushing forward. if I can give any advice, small as it might be.. a book that has stayed with me for years is “mans search for meaning” by Viktor Frankl .. I recommend it always but especially in times like these.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Perhaps they are not besting up on you….perhaps it’s covid-19 fear / anxiety / restlessness in them. I suggest, be a silent observer coz nothing good is gonna come out when people snap (I know that well, as I snap on people due to different reason)…music, movie, writing, exercising, sitting quietly….being mindfull about any thing could help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I know it’s fear and frustrations surrounding the COVID-19 Pandemic. I just have to be quiet and sit back and know their anger and frustrations towards me are coming out of their stress and lack of ability to control anything going on. You’re right, I’m trying to stay quiet and mindful and do no harm. Thank you for your note. I’m hoping you’re staying healthy and safe in DK

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    1. I’m sorry. I wish I could help. Or at the least say that there’s an end in sight. Ugh.
      Stay healthy, please ❤ And, stay as sane as humanly possible. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. “Nothing that I say is right.

    Nothing that I do is right.

    Why do I even try?”

    My impression is that this kind of thing gets normalised by people too often, as typical family issues, or something. But for sensitive intelligent people, this is absolutely soul-destroying and a major cause of bad mental health. There’s no excuse or justification for it. I see it not just in this example, but in a lot of examples you’ve described.

    You’re somebody with good, strong values, you know what is right and you have strong integrity. In an environment where other people lack some of those, you cannot win, it’s heartbreaking.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The other point I was going to say, is you only truly realise the impact of those things once you’re out of that situation. Which is for the better once you’re in it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The more the US Government fucks this up royally, the longer it’s going to last because it’s going to affect Canada handedly. I’m ready to move. I just want to get the hell out of dodge. I’m hoping that I’m out of this situation sooner than when I am expecting. Though it’ll most likely be later than when I am expecting… Ugh. I’m so negative today. I’m sorry.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No need to apologise, I completely know what negative days and moods are like. It’s great that you have your blog to be able to express your thoughts on.

        Yeah, that’s just shit and bad luck to border the USA at the moment, of all countries. Well, would their situation really affect Canada directly in the long-run? Maybe economically, but if Canada’s doing well with coronavirus and USA not, I’m sure Canada would not allow travel from there. You seem to have a pretty rational prime minister, too. The best of any English-speaking country, at least!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Asking if the situation in the USA would really affect Canada in the long run is like asking if a worldwide pandemic can begin in one Wet Market and make two million people sick in less than six months. What’s happening in the USA will affect everyone. If they don’t get a hold on their spread, that spread will escape the borders for a second wave, very easily across the world based on how contagious this is. And I don’t say that to be a downer, I say that to be realistic.

        Every other country on earth is trying to contain this, meanwhile Florida is reopening beaches and the US president is tweeting ‘Liberate

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Yeah I guess it’s too simplistic to think countries would completely physically isolate from the USA, if that’s even possible in principle, as well as in practice. It all comes down to my understanding of that, really. I mean I know in reality, you can’t physically stop people crossing between the countries, at least on foot or by boat or whatever. But I thought not letting people through border controls or flights in would stop almost all of it.

        I feel like a second-wave from the USA in most countries would be unlikely, especially once countries are on top of acquiring tests, because even if they let people travel in from America, they’d definitely be testing and quarantining them.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. “Every other country on earth is trying to contain this, meanwhile Florida is reopening beaches and the US president is tweeting ‘Liberate”

        And yeah, there are no words for what’s going on and how unfit Trump is. He’s completely lost the plot, if he had any ounce of being mentally fit in any way. He’s deranged and mentally unwell, basically. No other words for it. Fuck

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  6. I hear ya about the chocolate and vodka lol. I went to the store and found easter bunny chocolates at a quarter a piece and bought a couple for the munchies during the social distancing time. This isn’t an easy time but we’ll get through this. Sending positivity your way and hoping all works out for the best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m actually allergic to lactose and I have celiac disease, so chocolate is a big no-no for me. It doesn’t stop me from wanting it though. Usually I buy the special, very expensive stuff but the specialty store has closed since social distancing began. Thank you for the positive note this evening. It means a lot. Please stay healthy ❤

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  7. I won’t say you should take it easy, no I won’t.
    We are all entitled to burst out, probably explode in disappointment. It’s hard on nearly everyone.
    I’m just gonna say, do feel better after this.
    You really should.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s difficult when the elderly in the house call a war like situation.. Outside lockdown inside another breakdown…
    It’s family. I Love them anyway!
    I hope your ears get better sooN..

    Sending positive vibes!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love them anyway too. I just wish I knew how to handle their stress better… and help. Thanks for the positive vibes, sending them right back at you. I haven’t watched that video you sent yet, but I’m hoping too before I go to bed tonight. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Truth be told, it’s not the most comfortable thing to be living with my family for such a long duration (my max. since college is 10 days) and now we’re all stuck together. Some days are bad, yes, BUT ITS OKAY! BECAUSE WE ARE GONNA GET THROUGH IT! BECAUSE WE ARE AMAZING PEOPLE!
    At least, that’s what my sister keeps screaming around the house (which is great positive energy if it wasn’t so loud). Don’t be so tense, breathe through it.
    We’re all on lock down with you! <3<3

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I never expected staying home to be this bothersome. But now, i feel like my shadow is chasing me and the walls are closing in.
    God, i sound like I belong in the psych ward. Hang in there my friend, I feel your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I feel exactly the same way. For the last 4 days I’ve been terrified that a nervous breakdown is just around the corner. I’m still working, which I’m grateful for, but all the new rules and regulations are exhausting. I spend half my day yelling at people, repeating the same thing 100 times to customers who refuse to read signs or pay attention to the giant, bright, blue spots on the floor marking a distance of 6 feet. Starting tomorrow everyone everywhere has to wear masks at every business. Every time I put a mask on I have a panic attack because apparently I’m claustrophobic and never knew it. I almost freaked out after 5 minutes at Costco yesterday just getting a prescription. I have no idea how I’m going to do this for 8 hours a day for weeks. I’m really struggling too and feel like there’s no end in sight. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry. I know these feelings all too well. And I’m sorry. There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. Not so long as Florida seems to think they can sue China for six trillion dollars whilst simultaneously opening their beaches and parks and restaurants back up… Here I go again getting more depressing… I’m sorry.

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  12. Sorry to hear things are tough. Wish there was something we could do to make this whole thing better (apart from just staying home). I understand that feeling of never being able to do or say the right thing and it really sucks. Just know you are enough my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Your feelings are valid, and your struggles are not your fault. Stay strong, it does get better.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. When you’re in it, you’re in it. Seems like nothing will make it better. But somewhere in the tiniest crack something eases the intensity. I understand, oh do I understand. This weird mix of depression and anxious panic makes me feel like a caged animal yet I struggle to leave my “crusty cave” as I now refer to my room. I could call it my luxurious lair…..nah….doesn’t suit me…..I walked for over 3 hours yesterday……..I feel like a lethargic Forrest Gump and could walk across the nation as it’s the only thing that calms me down.
    Thank you for sharing and being transparent with us here in the blogosphere.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. God, I read this and I thought ‘she gets me, she really gets me’. I’m sorry you understand it all too well. I’m sorry I understand you all too well. It’s a shitty place to be…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Two of my daughters are coeliac. Thankfully not lactose intolerant though. One of them has been moving towards a vegan diet too, but is thinking twice about it, because it restricts her diet so much.

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      2. Ooh, if she has celiac disease that could be very restrictive for her. I tried going vegan for a brief period of my life and suffered from severe malabsorption and extreme exhaustion and a few other things that are TMI for the internet. If she does think about it, tell her to be very careful. With celiac disease it can really, really affect her physical health going vegan.

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    1. Thank you. No chocolate for this girl, but I’m certain once things become a little more stable in this world everyone will be a little less stressed and beat up on each other a little less.

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  15. Sorry to hear you’re being beaten up on(not literally though, thank God)
    I can’t really suggest anything for you because everywhere is actually very tensed up. But I really hope you get better and your negativity goes away❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right. You’re absolutely right.
      I hope you’re safe and healthy. I’m not too sure what distancing rules are going on in Nigeria, but hopefully covid isn’t too bad there. ❤

      Like

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