1:10 AM

I’ve been having panic attacks on and off for the past three hours.

I haven’t slept for three days. Not really. I’ve has small naps here and there but I haven’t been able to physically lay down and shut my eyes for any considerable length of time (longer than an hour).

The toll of not sleeping is deep. My mind is exhausted, my body is aching and I have this overarching pit in my stomach that is making it difficult for me to consume food.

I need to be up for work in five hours. Am I going to sleep tonight? I doubt it. Am I going to lay here anxiously trying to slow my brain down and massage my achy muscles for the next five hours? Well at least for the next four.

I don’t know what to do.

I really don’t.

Nothing is working.

I lay down with every intention of sleeping and life… it just fucking has other plans. I’m literally running myself ragged.

53 thoughts on “1:10 AM”

  1. That’s rough. I’ve considered you to be very wise so I’m sure you’ll figure out how to get some rest eventually. Sometimes solutions come better when you stress less about reaching them and let them come to you.

    If all else fails, my readers tend to say I put them to sleep so…might be worth a shot.

    Good Luck,
    -K

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  2. You are without a doubt going to get a lot of suggestions as to remedies and solutions to the sleep and anxiety issues you’re currently experiencing. Some might work, others won’t, that’s life and not everything works for everyone.

    For any remedy to work, having an understanding of what the root cause is, is the most effective method of trying to bring things to a more manageable level. Your other post on co-workers being affected by C-19 may have something to do with this, but only you know everything that is going on and how each of these factors affect you.

    Of the things you could try to calm yourself, some are more obvious than others, pick and choose based on what you feel might work:

    1. Lay off caffiene drinks several hours before bed. Coffee, tea, coke and energy drinks might get you through the day but they over-stimulate the body.
    2. If you wear clothing to bed, make sure it is loose.
    3. Don’t watch or read something stimulating before you go to bed, it is harder for the brain to switch off if it is referencing something that fired the imagination or makes you think about the outcome.

    Things to try:
    1. If you have it, put a small amount of lavender oil on a pillow case or small cloth, the aroma can help you sleep easier.
    2. Have a warm beverage half an hour before you’re going to sleep. Good choices are Horlicks, Ovaltine (both malted drinks), milk or cocoa.
    2a. For milk, a little bit of nutmeg or a thimble of brandy can help the sleep cycle and calm nerves without being overpowering.
    2b. For cocoa, try not to make it overly sweet (like hot chocolate) a high cacao quantity improves the flavour of the drink.
    3. Listen to something relaxing. Instrumental music, the sound of rain, etc can sooth while you’re trying to drop off to sleep but set a timer to auto switch off the music after a given time period so you don’t have to break the relaxation process.
    4. Put your phone on Do not Disturb before you go to bed, most phones allow this to be set for a given time period.
    5. Put your phones display face down if you have the phone in your bedroom. That way, the light won’t be a distraction if someone calls, texts, etc.

    Look up some relaxation techniques, there are plenty out there, find one that works for you though it may take several attempts before you settle with one.

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    1. There are so many good suggestions here. I think what I’m having troubles with is that I’m so exhausted that I’m over-consuming caffeine and that’s making me more anxious which is making me sleep less which is spinning the horrendous hampster wheel even further.

      You’re right though, I need to get better at putting my phone down and listen to something relaxing, doing things that calm me before I go to bed. Thank you for all of the tips.

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  3. Awww bless ya honey. I feel your post. The new moon is here and hopefully should bring a little peace. Do you spend any time looking out the window or being outside right now? Today, my advise, just be still. Take time out. sing, draw, go outside into greenery, or learn something new…whatever, do something which fills you some how, feeds your soul. I hope that you find some peaceful sleep soon.

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    1. I need to go outside more. I’ve been working so much that, even with as long as the days are, I feel like I haven’t seen daylight in days. It’s a weird place to be in. Thank you for your sound advice. I know you’re definitely right in the matter.

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  4. Insomnia is a wicked bitch! I started taking melatonin and other sleep aids to get me through. I still have the worst time myself. I noticed when I do have better sleep it’s because whatever I have gotten off my chest or whatever brunden has been holding me back I’ve released. It’s much harder than just taken a pm pill I’m afraid. Prayer and good vibes headed your way.

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  6. Hi V,

    I’m really sorry to hear this. The stress and anxiety must no doubt be compounded by not wanting to let down your new job.

    Definitely get in touch with your doctor. And honestly you need to take the day off work. Tell them how you are feeling. I hope you are able to rest.

    Try to meditate. Meditation can be very restful for the brain. Not as good as sleeping, but definitely restful and healing. A great strategy for sleeping when I’m having trouble is to go to bed with the intention of meditating, telling myself that a few hours of meditation would be enough. It takes the pressure off.

    At the same time, the level of anxiety you’re describing sounds pretty severe. ๐Ÿ’™

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    1. I don’t think I really need a doctor right now, I just need this family stuff to blow over. It’s like a tornado. You know what I mean? I know you know what I mean given what I’ve read about your family.

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      1. Ok sure, makes sense. Wellโ€ฆ I do relate in some ways! They never had random incidents amongst themselves, or random stupid acts like your cousin manipulating their boyfriend xD. It was always friction between them and me in particular, due to their ongoing mental dysfunctions and lack of empathy. I mean it’s basically the same, isn’t it xD, so yeah I do know what you mean.

        Sorry you’re having so many stresses atm, hope it gets better soon.

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  7. Btw none of that other kind of ‘sleep hygiene’ stuff ever helped me when I truly couldn’t sleep, and I had sleeping problems for quite a few years. It was stressful to have the usual things repeated to me, when actually the problem was much greater than that. The only things that helped me sleep wereโ€” not having major issues in my life (such as knee injuries stopping me exercising), and taking antidepressant medication. With either of those, I can have as many ‘unhygienic’ sleep habits as I like, but it doesn’t make any differenceโ€” I am able to fall asleep easily. I honestly think those typical sleep hygiene habits only really apply to most ‘neurotypical’ people who aren’t experiencing severe anxiety or other sleep disorders.

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  10. This is a tough situation, and I have been there too, Vee. Panic is indeed disabling, but rarely fatal.

    You put a lot of pressure on yourself. This is both good and bad.

    You landed a new job and things are going in the right direction. You are going to be OK. Everythingโ€™s gonna be alright.

    On the upside, astronauts often function well for up to two weeks with very little sleep (4-5 hours).

    You can do this.

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    2. I’ve never heard of her before reading this comment. At least I don’t think. Visiting her website right now. Thank you for sharing โค

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  13. Ah my friend, sleep deprivation is the absolute worst! Have you ever tried Valerian root? I swear by it and have been taking it since I was 17. It’s all natural and can be taken in capsule form or drank as a tea. I’m reading this at 8:30 AM my time so I pray you were able to find some relief my dear. Thinking of youโค

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    1. A comment mentioned Valerian a couple of weeks ago on this blog. I just haven’t had a chance to find it yet. I’m hoping once I get fully moved in I can take some time and go find it. Thank you for the suggestion โค

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      1. You’re so welcome V! It’s my go to sleep aid. It’s very inexpensive and I can get it everywhere from drug stores to grocery stores, of course WalMart๐Ÿ˜‰
        Let me know how you make out๐Ÿ™

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      2. My pleasure, it’s my go to sleep aid! I get in anywhere from drug stores, grocery stores….oh course Walmart lol…let me know how you make out ๐Ÿ˜‰

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    1. Honestly, I’ve tried it before and it didn’t do a ton for me. I wish. Thank you for the suggestion though. I’m glad to hear that it works for you!

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      2. Not really. But my office isn’t working tomorrow because of an event, so I don’t have to be up at 6 am. So I’m counting that as a blessing.

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      3. Good point. I hope you can get some rest. I haven’t been having trouble sleeping; I’m just up right now because I don’t have to be up early at all these days and I’m trying to write my next post, but it’s not going very well. The event I’m writing about is essentially two hours of dialogue that happened 25 years ago so I really have no idea what we talked about. I have to make it believable.

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  16. Too much happening all at once and you seem anxious about your co-workers testing positive for Covid. I can’t tell you how to put it all aside for a few hours so you can sleep. I often had the same issues. Try visualizing a big box and put all your worries inside and tape it shut. You can re-open the box tomorrow if you must.
    I hope one of these suggestions works for you!

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    1. Thank you.
      I think my coworkers are going to be okay and our office building is officially closed for two weeks. I think our floor is going to get deep cleaned, too. So hopefully everything is going to be okay.

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  17. Have you tried edibles? I think I recall weed being legalized on a national level up your way.
    If you havenโ€™t tried them, I highly recommend them – one half at a time! When Iโ€™m sleepless, I alternate nightly between edibles and melatonin, just so I donโ€™t build up resistance. Gladly, I havenโ€™t needed either lately. And hereโ€™s my crazy ass isnโ€™t too susceptible to insomnia that I canโ€™t sleep tonight! ๐Ÿ˜น
    Fingers crossed for you, V!

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    1. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I have a horrible resistance to melatonin. I used it too much and I might as well be taking placebos. As for edibles, have you ever seen those people who get very paranoid when they consume marijuana? I’m one of those people. I’d be seeing monsters and thinking the FBI was coming to get me. At one point in time I tried cutting a bug out of my arm because I was convinced I was being stalked.

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  20. Be careful… I know you canโ€™t really control that … but you donโ€™t want your immune system down whatsoever… especially with people at the office getting sick.

    Make sure you are drinking maybe water and juices with vitamin C… just to kind of make sure you are strong.

    I am going through panic stuff currently myself, just different than yours โœŒ๏ธ but similar in how it is. You are just off and have a million thoughts or worries. You get very umm ?? The word I think I want to use, is cringy? Or bunchy?? I do anyway? It messes me up

    Stay strong, I hope you finally get some sleep ๐Ÿ™ donโ€™t forget vitamin C โœŒ๏ธ

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    1. Oh gosh, I hope I don’t get sick. I’ve been taking vitamin C and D supplements anyway, so hopefully that keeps me from getting sick and I can sort my sleep out soon here.

      CRINGY is such a good way of explaining it. I’m sorry you’re going through some panicky things right now too. I wish I could help… or at least be a solidarity pal for you. I hope it passes soon. โค

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      1. It will, well in awhile lol… by the end of the year – I think ? ๐Ÿ™โœŒ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜˜

        And thatโ€™s ok, just life and getting through it.

        Is good to have solidarity pal! We all need that! Thank you โค๏ธโœŒ๏ธ

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