When panic attacks attack

I had a panic attack at the end of work today.

My three month probationary period review is on Thursday. It was supposed to be last week, but it got moved to this week, so I’ve had to carry that nervousness around with me for an extra seven days.

I’ve been very anxious about the review.

If I make it through this review without getting fired, I’ll have passed the probationary period, I’ll be an official employee with benefits and holiday time and get a work credit card and all that jazz.

But I keep telling myself ‘if’. ‘If’. ‘If’. It’s a word that can really eat away at you if you let it. And, for some reason, I’ve been letting it eat away at me since my review was rescheduled from last week to this week.

I’m worried.

What if they fire me?

What if they say ‘hasta la vista’ and they just don’t give a damn?

What if this all ends and comes crashing down around me as quickly as it started?

I’ve been doing really good with respect to my anxiety for the past two months. I’ve had very few major issues and, for the most part, when I get anxious, I’ve been able to be reasonable and calm myself down.

This afternoon I sent my boss a message on Microsoft Teams chat and they read it and didn’t respond. They didn’t respond and my mind just started racing.

‘What if I’ve failed?’

‘What if this all ends on Thursday?’

‘What if I’m fired?’

It didn’t take long before I was struggling to breathe and found myself curled up in a ball unsure of what to do. I’d like to think I’m calmer and a lot more collected than having a panic attack because my boss left me on read.

All that being said, perhaps if I survive Thursday then I will be.

Here’s to hoping they don’t fire me. Confident me says they won’t. Anxious me says that the worst case scenario is always possible, no matter how confident I am.

65 thoughts on “When panic attacks attack”

  1. I wasn’t there to see how you’ve been doing at your job (of course), but from what it appears, I think you’ll be fine. From my experience, probationary periods are pretty easy to pass, as long as you didn’t start fights with your co-workers or showed up late/drunk/high to work. Keep calm, and you’ll make it through this week!

    Liked by 4 people

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    1. Thank you.
      I was not drunk, nor high, nor late. I would like to believe that I brought them value. Anxiety isn’t logical though. I’m trying my best to stay calm but I think I’ll probably be a little on edge until I find out what happens Thursday.

      Liked by 3 people

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  3. You have loved the job right? Do you believe you have done well?

    I don’t think they will fire you. I think you got it.

    I understand the panic on it though. I still think you have it.

    Cause you actually work and want this job… they want people who will work…

    Plus there is corona going on… if you work well they aren’t gonna let you go and have others cycle through- corona is on their minds too

    They will keep you. Don’t let them smell the fear

    You are a pretty confident writer and seemingly as a person … I highly doubt they would let you go!!

    They just don’t want to keep people who are bad workers, like a comment above said.

    Don’t stress – you will be ok.

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. Thank you for the pep talk. I love the job. I really do. I think that’s why I want so badly to stay. I want to be a part of the office. I don’t want to start over again. Thank you so much for this vote of confidence.

      Liked by 2 people

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      1. I am sure they see that!! You can tell when someone truly wants and loves something… they are going to want to keep that! For sure… good workers you would think are easy to find… but actually they are not. Companies know this. They aren’t going to let you go… I would put money down you got it…

        Those probationary periods are to weed out the bad workers and just a formality for the good ones.

        Keep us updated 👏🙏 excited for you!!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Yes, exactly what Omatra said. Remember all the effort it took you to get a job, and the great numbers of candidates that each company went through just to find that one person? Well, they’ll be reluctant to do all of that again when they clearly have someone with the qualities that Omatra listed :).

        It always made me feel weird when people reassured me that I’d be fine because look at how hard it is to find good people, at how incompetent most other people are. Well, it’s true lol, but us self-critical people measure ourselves by higher standards :). And that stands out like a sore thumb to employers with any sense.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. (Just to be clear, my first point was that besides the number of job applications you went through, each one was such hard work because each company was going through so many candidates in so many stages each time. So they already invested a lot in you :)).

        Liked by 1 person

  4. From experience – it is the stuff I worry about that doesn’t happen and the stuff I had no clue about that does. You’ve given this a good worry you’ll be fine. I absolutely believe this 100% watch Brene browns Netflix movie and you will realise how many of us worry about stuff that never happens – watch that movie it’s great

    Liked by 3 people

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  5. “Confident me says they won’t.” Take Ms Confidence’s word for it. That is who they employed. And if they don’t – remember you work to live you don’t live to work. Work is something we do to pass our time. Best wishes.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Work is something we do to pass the time, yes. But work also makes it more comfortable to pay bills and buy food and things of the link that I’ve become accustomed too since landing this job. The small things… Also I just really like the job and don’t want to be booted out the door.

      Liked by 1 person

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  8. I hope that it’s just that your boss was preoccupied when they “read” your message and meant to get back to you. I have done that a few times and forgot to respond to someone. I’m sorry you had an anxiety attack. That probationary period can drive one crazy. You’ve put in your time to them and then at the end, it all boils down to pins and needles. I hope that all is well… I’m sure you will be permanent. You’re a great, smart, well-driven woman. YOU GOT THIS V!

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Thank you for this pep talk. My boss did send me a message today but it was ignoring the message that she left me on read with last night. So I’m not really sure what happened there… some sort of a disconnect. I’m getting myself prepared for tomorrow. Expecting the best, preparing for the worst! But hoping my prepping for the worst is merely just my anxiety speaking.

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  10. I totally understand the anxiety about that being delayed a week btw. Must’ve been very tough, would’ve made me worry too, it’s like an overthinker’s nightmare! Lol. It’s nearly over!

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. It’s been so nerve-wracking! I’ve been trying not to let it get to me, but I was talking to my coworker today and she said that the nervousness is a good thing because that means it matters to me. She said if I wasn’t worried about it then that would be an issue because I would have no investment. It makes sense.

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. It does make sense. Although you kind of just end up back where you started, 😆— the original reason for being anxious is that you’re totally invested in it. It’s just the level of anxiety which is the problem. Are there any medications or herbal tablets that you could take which would help in situations like this? I feel like that would be really helpful for you.

        I hope it finally gets done today!

        I’ve been in a similar state of limbo the last week, though not as intense, just waiting for the diagnosis report for autism and OCD from the psychiatrist, who said that she’d have them done for Monday… 😏. I’m also anxiously waiting for details for their psychotherapist so I can make an appointment! 😆

        Liked by 2 people

  12. Believe in yourself and your talent. You have brought value to this company. Find a calm place with no distractions and visualize your boss saying, congratulations you have passed your probationary period. You have greatness within you. Your bosses see it, everyone can see it, now you will see it. Only dwell on the things that you can control, which is you. Be the best you. On Thursday, put on your best work outfit, walk in confident, and know it is going to be a great day. Take care. 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. While I appreciate the metaphor, our company is still working from home. So, I’ll put on my best top and wear sweatpants. lol. I’ve been wearing sweatpants since May when I started. At least I can smile about that. That’s been a perk to the job.

      Thank you for the pep talk ❤ This was very motivational.

      Liked by 1 person

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  13. I know this is late, seeing this post now. As a former manager what I can tell you is when I managed people the 90 trial period was a tool to use as protection for the company to dismiss bad hires. We knew WAY BEFORE the 90 days if the person was going to work out. Ive never, and not heard of anyone on the 90 day review getting fired. It often happened within the first 30 days, we knew.

    I think and hope you will be fine. I understand your panic attack, god knows ive had many in my career. Hang in there V we are all rooting for you.

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. This was really helpful to read. Anxiety is not logical so you laying it out logically like this for me, it meant a lot when I read it this morning.
      Thank you.
      I know I’m being anxious with no evidence as to why I should be. I think after tomorrow I’ll calm down.

      Liked by 1 person

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  14. If you’ve done well I can’t see why they would let you go, but if they do, the all it means is that your life path lies elsewhere. Everything will be fine, whichever way it goes. You are young and it seems to me you are strong. You will be fine!
    And I do know about anxiety…I’m not just spouting words!

    Liked by 1 person

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  15. I think being prepared for the worst-case scenario might help ease your mind. If you create a back up plan to fall on, you won’t crumble. For me this doesn’t necessarily mean looking for another job suddenly, but perhaps using reports and data from the work you have done there to justify why you should be kept on or identify the businesses weaknesses and demonstrate why you would be part of the solution etc etc. These thoughts and plans would help control your anxiety, rather than your anxiety controlling you.

    Like many other commenters have stated, it’s unlikely they will let you go – if they were to, then they would have done it earlier. You’re probably doing just fine or even better 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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  16. V, uncertainty will cause even the strongest of us panic attacks.
    It is not nice and they can overwhelm the senses. For me if I am in a store I just stop where I am, take some deep breaths, wait for it to pass.
    I feel everyone deals with panic attacks differently.
    For the doubters, panic attacks are real. They have real symptoms.
    Thursday will come, the interview will happen. I will be crossing my fingers for you!

    Liked by 2 people

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  20. Hello Lady, I understand the anxiety but I also know that if you like the job, you have performed well and have not had any drama, then you will not be dismissed. Remember and remind yourself that you are “valuable,” “gifted,” “talented,” “needed,” “worthy” and full of hope. They would be foolish to let someone of your caliber go. I will be praying on your behalf. God bless you!

    Liked by 2 people

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  22. If you were to get fired you’d probably have been fired well before the end of the probation period.

    Simply.. if they hired you, even if it has a probationary period, they want you to be fully hired on, but they want to ensure you’re the right fit before said benefits kick in. Unless it’s a notorious position they just hire for like 30 days and start over.
    I had a probationary period in my last 2 jobs and it was only because they want to make sure someone shows up on time and doesn’t call off frequently.

    Liked by 3 people

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      1. absolutely. I still worried about my own probationary period even though I knew I already landed it.
        Then I was worried the probationary period would end and the job would end up terrible where it was like I was tricked into it. lol..

        I worry senselessly sometimes..

        Liked by 2 people

      3. After a while it’s easier to tell yourself it’s just worry for the sake of worry.

        I was afraid to spend money on anything my 30 day period and it took 30 days to get the paperwork done where I thought that could go bad. Lol..

        Liked by 1 person

  24. Pingback: Last Night Things – #MILLENNIALLIFECRISIS

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