I’m anxious

I slept until 1:30 pm today.

My mind has been plagued with so many worries for the past week that it’s been difficult to fall asleep, and when I finally do fall asleep, it’s been increasingly difficult to wake up and actually get up.

Hiding from the world seems ideal. The world can’t hurt me if I’m hiding in my room.

So, let’s start:

My office is opening on Monday. Two of my coworkers tested positive for Corona Virus yesterday. They weren’t in the office, but, it does serve as a reminder to me that I have no control over how safe, or not safe, my coworkers are being with their interactions. I’ll admit, I’m terrified that I’m going to go into that office and it’s going to take no time before I’m sick.

Not only that but stupid thoughts are plaguing my mind. How do I share the coffee maker? Should I buy a cooler style lunch bag so that I don’t have to share the fridge with people? Not sharing the fridge will keep me out of the lunch room and further away from people. Is it weird to be afraid of your coworkers? The city is still in triple digits for positive cases being reported daily.

Kids are also going back to school next week. Since our Premier is determined to share literal propaganda about this virus and how people contract it, I’m ultimately concerned that social distancing is going to fall by the waist side and cases are going to shoot right back up. And at that time, is my office going to stay open? Will my office close again? What’s the future look like in a world that is anything but certain?

In September I’ll also be attending a memorial service for my uncle who passed away earlier this year. Technically speaking we’re still not supposed to be holding gathering’s here. Rather than a memorial service at a Funeral Home or inside a large room somewhere, we’re going to be having it on a beach. Even being on the beach, I’m still nervous about it. I’m trying to arrange getting a Corona Virus test before going but I’ve learned that I cannot get a guaranteed return period for results. The memorial service is on a Saturday, and if I get a test on a Friday, I cannot get a guarantee that I’d have the results for Saturday. It’s making me nervous because, while I don’t intend on getting too close to anyone, I honestly would never forgive myself if I were the reason for one of my family members getting sick. For that reason, I want the test. So I have to figure out what day to get the test for guaranteed return of results.

Speaking of going to a memorial service, I’m basically not allowed to return to work for two weeks following. The week following the memorial service there are two crucial virtual events that I’m supposed to be prepping our company for. Doing that from home is going to be difficult. I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve been working from home since May so it shouldn’t be that much harder. It’s just going to involve me having to hire people to do some things at the office that I can’t do.

I’m also worried about money. I’m always worried about money. That doesn’t seem to go away for me. I think that’s something that largely effects the majority of the human race, so I am trying to remind myself to not let that get the better of me. It’s been plaguing me since childhood so it’s really nothing new.

Am I overreacting? I’m certain that I am. Anxiety is not logical, though. Anxiety has never been logical. I’m just worried. And the worries don’t seem to lessen no matter what I do. So I don’t see myself leaving my bed any time soon.

48 thoughts on “I’m anxious

  1. Both my COVID tests have taken 3-6 days to get results for. So, maybe get one earlier than Friday and then just be as careful as possible up until the funeral? I mean like, go to work and then home. I’m having an EDG in a couple weeks and that’s what they’re making me do for it. Test a week before and then quarantine as much as possible.

    I mean, you’re probably overreacting, but if it were me, my anxiety wouldn’t care what other people thought. Hell, most of the time it doesn’t care what I think. Maybe just… try it halfway and see what works best for you?

    And today maybe just try some quiet alone time with hot cocoa and ketchup chips.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m a lot like you and worry about things that COULD happen, but may never. And really big things too, like inflation and the NHS collapsing just as I get really sick. It’s bonkers but it rattles through my mind constantly!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Anxiety is real, girl. I’ve been having nightmares every night because I’m so scared about going back to school… not because of COVID but because of clinical rotations. I was placed on a very specialized and intimidating unit. As if anxiety isn’t bad enough… there’s so much pressure weighing on me that I’ve been pulling out my hair again. It’s a self-soothing coping mechanism that leaves me with bald patches. 🙇‍♀️

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Honestly, that seems like a level of anxiety that you shouldn’t have to deal with or deal with alone. It’s really unhealthy to be at the point of pulling your hair out. If it’s that bad then I feel like you need some sort of accommodations made.


      1. I start clinical anytime from August 31. I haven’t heard from the preceptor yet, so I am guessing sometime next week. Some students start earlier and some start later. I also pick at my nails until they are painful, as another way to deal with stress 😐

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I worry about the same thing, mainly if a kid comes home and says his classmate has covid, will this impact our family for 2 weeks? And then the next kid comes home from some sport activity and the cycle continues? On and on? Ugh.

    I have a puppy. He’s 9 weeks old. Sleep is futile anyway so at least I have an excuse to be up all night.

    Bring lunch in a small cooler, the dollar store has these tiny ice packs you can use to keep things fresh, and invest in a good quality thermos for your coffee. After a few weeks of going to the office, you’ll get the hang of what’s what, and adapt.

    You can do this. Try not to worry too much about the virus. I don’t, although I believe it and believe in its severity, I try to keep a level head about it. We are an innovative people and those of us who have a brain in our heads will manage just fine.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. If your kid comes home and they’ve been exposed to covid does that mean your whole family has to stay home for two weeks? Probably. Sadly.
      You’re right though, I think in time we’ll adapt to this reality. Thank you for the tip about the dollar store cooler ice packs, that’s a good idea. And the thermos. I own neither of those things and they’re probably smart investments to make right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve been meaning to ask – how did you make the icon/gravatar thingy? Did you use an app? A selfie that then draws your head/face? Can you share? I’d be interested in something like this for a pen name thing I’m working on.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. My apologies. I’ve not been to India. I just know that there are a billion more people there than there are here, so I assumed that, compared to Canada, it is densely populated. I’m sorry for my naive assumption.


      2. Apology accepted. I suggest you look up Indian history and that’ll explain why we have a billion people. It has nothing to do with population control. Those are recent concepts. Basically, for more than a thousand years, anyone who came to India, invader or king or coloniser, decided to stay for its beauty and its riches. Fertile lands, vast rivers, glorious mountains, abundance of resources and wealth. Everyone from the Middle East to Central Asia descended to the plains of India. That’s why we have a billion people.


  6. I have made sure with my clients so far that I won’t be traveling or relocating anyhwhere. I will not work anymore….

    The kids here are staying home…parents are against the government… parents won’t be sending their kids…

    I too get anxious with all these… Adding the stress of work it becomes toooooo exhausting….

    Seriously! I completely understand you…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so glad our office is staying closed. I am a sort of old person, but I still worry if I do something ill advised, I’ll make someone sick.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now V, with your constant anxiety. I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better, but I know from my own anxiety, it doesn’t work like that.

    I can only wish you well, stay safe, and happy. x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. When we were planning the office reopening, our HR did a wonderful job both preparing the office and virtually meeting with people in small groups to explain new procedures and to answer everybody’s questions. As of now, and till March, the official attendance is 100% voluntary, and there are just a couple of people who are coming in, not more than two at a time. We have a calendar, where we specify the days when we come to the office. We do not have a communal refrigerator now, and the watercoolers are turned off. We have bottled water available. The personal fridge is available; I can assure you that using a fridge is safe, there were no recorded cases of transmission through packaging and alike. The fridge handles, and the bathroom doorknobs, are covered with a protective covering. Also, we have neon arrows on the floor to indicate the valid paths you can take from each place in the office, and masks are required. Maybe, you can check with your HR about what policies they are going to put on place.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. HR has sent us a list of things that have changed around the office to ensure that we can stay apart. I know they’re taking care to ensure things are as good as possible. It’s just the anxiety that gets the better of me. Their explanations of the matter won’t matter until after I get there and get used to being around people, I feel like.

      They’re still talking about keeping our lunch room open and the fridge open to people. I don’t think I’m going to be going in there though. A cooler bag and my own water bottles seems safer right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand. Anxiety can’t be tamed with reasoning, and each person has their own feelings of being or not being safe, regardless of anxiety. I hope that your company will allow people to work remotely until they feel safe to get back to the office, At the end of the day, the only thing which matters is whether you feel safe.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Hugs V. I know of people who are so casual about this virus, they think because no one is social distancing that there is no virus.

    Have you ever tried journaling? Gratitude, affirmations and meditation. I have found in my personal life all these things get me out of a worry cycle. When I do these regularly then I don’t even have anything to worry about. Also I listen to talks and read stuff that keeps me up beat. Don’t get me wrong I have days when it is all doom gloom. But, we all get over them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Doom gloom is a good explanation of my mood the past few days. I should be really excited about my new office. I should be really happy about being blessed enough to work a great job. I just can’t get over the fear. I used to journal a lot but it kind of fell by the waist side when I started this blog. I guess you could say this blog is a bit of a journal? Though it’s lacking in gratitude and affirmations, that’s for certain.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This virus is playing on all of us. And a major reason of fear, especially when colleges have it.
        Stay positive, and take precautions, washing hands, disinfecting common areas, mask, etc.


  11. You’re halfway to salvation when you can put your anxiety in the category of irrational thought. It’s totally normal to feel some level of fear regarding venturing back into the office. Like I wrote in my comments on how TX is another country, all we can do is practice the best social distancing practices, mask wearing and hand washing. You’ll be fine once you get re- acclimated. Developing mantras to affirm yourself is helpful, I use them all the time😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I think you’re probably right. Once I get used to being in the office, I’ll feel better about it. I just don’t know what to expect right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Open windows if at possible, wear mask, keep 6ft from everybody even in office, treat office as hospital and you are a doctor/nurse, get plenty of sleep to maximize immune system.

    Have you tried chamomile for anxiety. Also low carb diet can help anxiety. Rescue remedy works as well. Turkey and carbs as well. Cut back on caffeine.

    Best wishes V.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the tips. My office is in a sky-scraper so there aren’t openable-windows up there. Treating it as though it’s a hospital is a really great suggestion though. I think I’m going to look at it that way.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Today I have a panic attack while walking my dog. Why? I couldn’t remember if you were supposed to play dead or be overly aggressive for which type of bear, brown or black. The odds of me getting struck by lightning are probably far greater than me encountering a bear, but….you know how anxiety goes. For whatever reason, ‘the virus’ hasn’t worried me at all. I’m astounded. I have no idea why this is. Any suggestions? From any of y’all? The only hypothesis I can think of is because I am a recovering addict and maybe I figure that the hell I put my body through, the daily gamble, etc. has already tested it enough and I shouldn’t worry about a virus? Psychoanalyze me, please, anyone!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Totally understand what you are going through. Covid has forever left a huge dent in our lives and we are all forced to adjust to this new lifestyle without preparation. Was actually having a conversation with someone yesterday who I work with and he never really indulged in sentimental conversations. However; last night he finally broke. He’s anxious (like yourself), worried about his career as a music engineer, the fact that his child has to be home schooled for the rest of the year (even though he and his wife recently moved to a nicer neighborhood to pay more taxes so their child could attend a better school), he feels a huge void within himself daily which he can’t explain nor escape and even told me he is seeing a therapist once every two weeks. The sheer number of people feeling the same as he, you and sometimes myself is definitely on the high end. Can’t give you any cliche advice because I’m starting to realize those don’t really help much. But all I can tell you is that you are not alone in this. And knowing that you are not alone in this current state of mind should be a slight relief for you. Hope things will improve for you and the rest of us soon. Best of luck with your project at work.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. op of your other anxiety now a car crash and shooting. It never rains but it pours. I think you may well be over reacting, but given all that’s going on these days, is it a wonder. Be kind to yourself, don’t push too hard. People will understand. If they don’t, they’re not worth worrying about. Just stay safe,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you.

      I’m definitely overreacting. That being said, anxiety isn’t usually logical. I’m trying to take it slow. I think one day at a time is a good way to take it right now.


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