Anxious still

After about a month of absolutely debilitating anxiety that has kept me from, well… everything…. I finally worked up the courage today to go to the doctor and seek some help.

This wasn’t an easy step for me to take for many reasons, one of which being that, even with doctor’s offices being very careful with respect to COVID, the idea of being in a small waiting room with someone who was potentially ill made me very anxious. Nevertheless, I did it.

When I got to the doctor I learned that maximum capacity had already been met for the day and they could not take any more patients because they would not be able to see any more patients before closing. Their waiting room was full and with the amount of people who were in there already, they were likely going to be there late.

While I completely understand the situation, I left feeling really defeated. It’d taken me so long to work up the courage to go and admit to my anxiety and when I got there, I was turned away.

The woman whom I spoke with at the clinic told me that I could come back during the week. I just, I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to work up the nerve to go for a second time.

I know that I have to do something. I was just hoping that everything would’ve worked out the way I wanted it to. Being anxious is not important enough means for me to be in the emergency room. So, I think I just need to muster the strength to get back there at some point this week.

The last time that I saw a doctor about my anxiety, they provided me a referral for a therapist. Attending those appointments actually helped me considerably at the time. I wasn’t able to continue because the referral that I was given was only for a certain number of appointments. While that therapist is in another province, I still somehow wish I could just go back and see her. She understood me.

Right now my anxiety is so bad that hypotheticals of hypotheticals of hypotheticals are keeping me from sleeping. Ex: My landlord works for a company that was talked about on the news this past week because they announced massive COVID related layoffs. Immediately I was hit with a fear that he’s getting laid off and because he’s getting laid off he’s going to sell his house because he needs they money and when he sells his house then I’ll be without residence and needing a place to land, in the middle of the winter.

Why is my mind trailing so far down these rabbit holes and why can’t I stop it?

I have to stop watching the news.

I have to do something.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I think I can do this. I think I can get back to the Doctor this week.

I hope I can.

101 thoughts on “Anxious still

      1. Hi V, have you thought about contacting your old counselor directly. I can imagine she might be able to counsel you via phone. Might she be able to get a referral via a phone consult for you.

        Anyhow, take good care of yourself!

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  1. “I left feeling really defeated. It’d taken me so long to work up the courage to go and admit to my anxiety and when I got there, I was turned away.”

    Ohh I know this feeling. You don’t want to know how many times I’ve been turned away from mental health services or even hospitals that are supposedly there to help me, in the last 2 years. Over here they are just so stretched, that even people who attempt suicide are returned home without help once physically recovered. I have no chance, except after a very long wait.

    “While that therapist is in another province, I still somehow wish I could just go back and see her. She understood me.”

    And yeah this is another problem. Even if you have a way to get help, it’s still worthless unless the person truly understands you.

    The world simply needs to look out for each other more, friends/family need to be more proactive. But I understand why that’s sometimes impossible or doesn’t happen.

    Do you have a friend or someone you can talk to, who understands it? Anyways, I’m available if you need to, or anybody else does. Sorry you’re experiencing this and try to focus on small things and looking after yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for the offer. I do have a friend that I’ve been sharing my woes with. I’m just reaching a point where I need to do something about it beyond just talking to a friend. You know what I mean?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You gotta find a way to shut off your mind. The more I think about something, the more anxious I get because I’m thinking about that thing more. Thinking about thinking about thinking. Clinical causes me a ton of anxiety and I have to keep telling my mind to shut the f up. There’s a time and a place for thinking – and being at home on my day off is NOT the time to worry about potential scenarios that could go wrong at clinical.

    Yes, definitely shut off the news. It’s the anxious brain’s companion and it triggers more anxiety. Also, try some guided meditation. I found some meditation by The Honest Guys (Spotify recommended it) and I’ve been listening to that which helps. When I do guided meditation I usually put a mud mask or facial mask thing on too.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Ohhh, I bet Clinical causes a ton of anxiety. I can’t imagine how stressful it must be these days! Have you ever tried melatonin? I recently tried taking it again and I don’t know… I just can’t get on with it. Another friend mentioned meditation to me as well. Maybe I should get my shit together and take your advice.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Vee, yes I take melatonin but only on nights when I really need it. Sometimes, I’m so tired that I will pass out. 13hr shifts are very exhausting.

        For anxiety, I’d start with guided meditation – personally I prefer guided rather than being completely alone with my thoughts 🧘‍♀️🌱

        Liked by 1 person

  3. V, wow. Sorry to hear you are still experiencing anxiety.
    A crowded waiting room sounds odd. My doctor tells you to come at the exact time. When you walk in there is no other person except the receptionist. Most times I just ask for a phone appointment. If he feels he need to see me he says so. Prescriptions are faxed directly to the pharmacy. It has been years since I have ever had a doctor write one out.
    Will be thinking of V! Take care of yourself V!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I went to a Walk in Clinic. Since I’ve not been here so long I haven’t found a family doctor yet. And with walk in clinics, well at least with this one I went to, you can’t book appointments. You just have to show up and wait, sadly. I’m not complaining about the system, because I understand why it is the way that it is. I just… am anxious. You know what I mean? Part of me wishes I could just phone someone and get help.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I hear you V and I understand you fully! I have you ever noticed that doctors in Canada no longer wear the white coats. They did a study and found that when they did wear them people’s blood pressure would be up. Removed them and blood pressure measurements returned to normal for that person. So you are not alone with anxieties when it comes to visiting doctors and health care facilities.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I hadn’t even realized that. But, now that you say that, the only time I recall seeing doctors in white coats is at the hospital (I broke my foot a few years back). Otherwise, the doctors I see are usually in scrubs or plain clothes. hmmmmm I can’t believe I never noticed. Thank you for that tidbit.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I know that it is psychologically easier to go to a walk in clinic, it is way easier than dial in, especially in your situation. Please try to overcome a disappointment, and try again! I hope it will be easier for you to look for a family doctor after that!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I have to get a referral for a phone appointment, so I have to go in to get the initial referral. I’ve set my goal to go first thing Friday morning when it first opens so that I can get in and out as quickly as possible. That’s what I’m working myself up to right now.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. The first step is acknowledging there is a problem. So many people can’t even do that. If you still have the contact for the therapist you used in the other province, could you maybe talk to het by phone or Zoom, or whatever works for you? I know therapists here are working by phone. And it would be worth payingfor a couple of sessions, right?
    Your landlord won’t sell the house. He needs the rent. You are doing what I always did, building lists of worries. They are pointless. They will change nothing. I know you know this….I’ve lived through so many lists of worries…in the end, I had to let some of them go to remain functional. You know what? The world didn’t end.
    It’s going to be alright. Really!

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you. Unfortunately, due to Canadian law, I wouldn’t be able to get anything more than a referral from the therapist in BC. You’re right though, about my landlord. Well actually, I shouldn’t really be caring or worrying about him at all. I don’t know why I worry about these things. Lists are pointless, like you say.

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  5. I too suffer from anxiety. Congrats on going to the doctor. I know how difficult that must have been. To be sent away like that would set me back for weeks if not months. I’m very happy to listen if you want someone to chat to. I’m messed up, but I’ve lots of experience with anxiety and spiraling thoughts, so I’m here if you want. ❤️

    Liked by 5 people

    1. You’re the kindest, most sweet individual ever. Thank you for saying this.<3 It never ceases to amaze me how good of a person you are. I'm presently trying to talk myself up to go back tomorrow. If I spend the next 15 or so hours trying to convince myself, I might be able to go back. I hope.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Good luck. I’ll be cheering you on from Ireland. You can do this. It’s a really great thing to do to take this step to care for yourself. You’re worth it and it will all be ok. ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

  6. You can do this. You are brave and courageous. I don’t watch the news too much. I don’t have anxiety, but watching the news is too disturbing. I stay a breast of the news, but try not to watch.

    You can visit the drs again. You are brave, strong and amazing.

    We weren’t even allowed to visit drs. My mum was only recently allowed. Most apt are via telephone if you get one, which isn’t helpful. Infact I feel let down by our gps surgery. They protect themselves and don’t help us. Whilst order gps in other boroughs are so better. Dr are a sore topic for me right now.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with the doctor’s situation there. It’s such a tough time for all and it’s a scary time to seek out the help that you need. You need to know that you’re going to get adequate help.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. I’m sure it is terrible. You have a lot of people believing in you and praying that you can overcome this challenge. I know you can do this. All things are possible.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Anxiety is no joke; it really rips you a good one, even when life appears to be going great for you. It’s a good thing you acknowledged it and took the measures to get help for it; some people don’t and choose to continue suffering. Especially these days, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of good news out there, so it’s understandable that you’re going through a lot. Just know that anxiety is only temporary, that it’ll pass, and you’ll be stronger than before. Stay brave, V!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. There really doesn’t seem to be a lot of good news out there at all. I really hope this feeling is temporary, but I also realize I’ve reached a point where I need help to deal. Thank you for this note ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Are you spending a lot of time alone these days? I ask because that was my situation… and I didn’t realize how much being around friends and family helps anxiety until I got around family.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have been spending a lot of time alone, yes. No one in my family lives even remotely close to this city. While I have friends in the city, there’s been reasoning keeping us apart, even from a distance – ie a medical condition that makes them immunocompromised and my not wanting to put them in harms way by going for a coffee, if you know what I mean.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That sucks, I’m sorry V. I do find that Zoom with friends is an almost good enough facsimile. For me that comes in the form of AA meetings. I was noticing while still in Oly that when I did those every day general anxiety issues were way down for me. So I wonder if your friends will zoom you. A therapist is good in addition, but I have received a very big lesson about how very important it is to belong to a tribe who cares for your well being in a real way. I’ll probably write about this more on my blog. Just hoping to get you thinking about that and hopefully that gives you some ideas about how to break that barrier.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I do not think you have mentioned faith in God. It is how I help with my anxiety. It may not help your crippling fear, but reading the Psalms or scriptures about fear-lots of them may help. Bible Gateway and search.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank You for this.

      Unfortunately due to Canadian law I cannot go back and see the former therapist I saw. She’s not legally allowed to assist someone who is not in her province. So I need to find someone here I can talk to. Which is why I need to get up the nerve to go back to the doctor. I think I can. I think I can.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi V. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it could be hard to find the positive in this, but if you would have gotten in today maybe they wouldn’t have had as much time for you as needed. Once you work up the courage to go again, maybe you will better be able to explain your situation. I hope it gets better from here for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Did you have an appointment, or was it just a drop-in? And do you need a pep talk? Because you are an amazing, incredible girl with or without anxiety and you shouldn’t need me or anyone else to tell you that. That being said, anything that helps your panic attacks and state of mind sounds like it’d be worth doing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It was a walk in clinic. I’ve been looking for a family doctor since our email discussion about it but its hard right now given the state of things. I didn’t manage to talk myself into going back today. I’m hoping I can one day this week. I agree, anything that helps with panic attacks sounds like it is worth while.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. YOU CAN DO THIS!! Can I suggest something? Till the time of your next appointment, please download an app called Headspace and try few of their meditation courses. Meditation helped me at a time when I found it too difficult to concentrate on anything because of my crippling anxiety. I really hope it gives you a little relief till you talk to a therapist about it. STAY STRONG!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for this comment. ❤ I actually tried meditation for the first time last night, but I did it using a Youtube channel video. I will look into headspace and see if it helps. Since I'm brand new to trying meditation I feel like it might take me a few times to get the hang of it.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Just getting there the first time was the hardest part, the second time should be easier. I’ve followed you for more than a year but rarely do more than read your posts… In hindsight that’s something I should change. Felt compelled to comment that you’re stronger than you give yourself credit.

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      1. You are brave to share your thoughts and feeling regarding your mental health. I have just started blogging and plan on sharing my mental health struggles. I hope my words come across as powerful as yours 🙏

        Liked by 1 person

  15. I put off seeing a therapist and talking to someone about my mental health for a long time. Until I finally did and it really really helps. I know it seems scary but you can ❤ and don’t put yourself down if you can’t.

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  16. Have you tried online therapy? If you have too much anxiety and cannot go to the doctor their are many options of online therapy and counseling. It is reasonable on pricing as well. I hope this helps, I really love your honesty. Keep your head up, I struggle everyday with anxiety and have been my whole life. Most days I will not leave the house because of anxiety. It is my worst enemy and it is good to know I am not alone. We can find a solution, there is one somewhere.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m sorry that your anxiety has held you back like that. It’s such a difficult demon to deal with and there’s not always an easy answer.
      As far as private clinics/private medical services in this country, it’s very much frowned upon and can cause issues with coverage we get from benefits providers under our universal health care system.
      Because of covid a lot of public resources have switched to doing online/phone therapy. That being said, you still have to go to the doctor to get the referral to have the phone appointment. It’s not a perfect system, but I don’t want to screw up my ability to have benefits under Universal Health Care by going to a private provider, if that makes sense.

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      1. I suppose that might seem a little glib in the current world. It is true, though, there’s always another bus… eventually. The waiting can be a killer, though, that’s true.

        I dunno… maybe take heart in the overall absurdity of it all and realize we’re all scared children picking our way through as best we can. All we can control is who we are and how we handle things. The rest is just hanging on and riding the wave.

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  17. Im sorry your going thru this! After my last child I developed severe anxiety and ocd thats were my bad thoughts and constant worrying came from. They put me on medicine plus a counselor and its helped. I hope you find the courage to go back and get the help you need, life is to beautiful to be living in fear all the time ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  18. You can girl, and you will overcome this and it will bring such joy and freshness to your life!
    Anxiety can feel like a gigantic rock that only let’s you see life with a negative filter lying on your chest, but you have to belive that you are strong enough to lift that rock, and belive me, you are. 💛

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ohhhh anxiet is just like a ‘gigantic rock that only lets you see life with a negative filter’. That’s the truest way I’ve ever seen it written.

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  19. I hope you feel better. I can so relate! I’m having some issues as well! Actually I sometimes feel like I may have a break down. I’m too embarrassed to even say what’s wrong, but it’s driving me crazy. Hope you get the help you need.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really hope that you’re able to find someone you can speak to about what’s wrong. Being able to talk is so cathartic. It also helps you heal. Sending you some love ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  20. I am following you step by step sweet
    Your first step has been done. Yes you were turned away but made the first step.

    I struggle from anxiety caused by my ocd. Meaning if things arent in order or go to how i have planned i get very stressed ending up having a tantrum…kicking off at my self for being such …well different!

    But we as different x we can manage. Some people are seeing and understanding anxiety alot differently now then they did before even my mum has agreed that i struggle l. Thats its not all in my head and not real…we have struggled as a family with so many things. The lockdown didnt help matters.

    But i am gonna tell you something…only to reach your heart…
    My son is has learning difficulties and his behavour is hard at times…but because of my anxiety with my ocd and his behavour…i didnt want to be around dealth seemed ti be the only way out.

    My mum and my aunty rae saved me from my own self doom.

    Soon after my mum decided to take my son with her to live at hers and its been like that for two years…in that time i have healed…i can breath knowninam not going to stress out or get upset over what my son as done to his sister…he could get a little hurtful at us both…what i am getting at is that life my seem like there is nothing else left that the pain is just gonna get worse…with the right help you will get there…also not that you have started asking you are that one step a head…

    I love my son so much that it pains me to talk about it. I see him all the time but i struggle rather harshly when he stays with me and my daughter to gets hurt in the process the situation with my son is a little difficult to explain and maybe indidnt do it justice but i hope you get what i am meaning.

    I know i am a stranger to you but inam here a click away if you need just to rant…a helpping listening ear…

    Dont worry. Stay calme breath and start again x

    Shoabaleigh x x x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry for the struggles that you’ve got and what you’ve been through. Here’s to hoping that you, your mom and your son all have a healthy, healed path going forward in a world where you can all thrive in a situation that fits you all best.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I also stop watching news when my anxiety get worse. Like, I stop doing anything. But now, I am so much better. Please, hold once again. I know you always do your best, so, keep doing it! You can handle, I believe in you!😍

    Liked by 2 people

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