Culmination of scattered thoughts

I laid awake most of last night.

I’ve been doing that a lot lately, actually.

I try to sleep. I’ve tried things that could help me sleep and they never do. So I just… lay there. I lay there and I think. Usually I think about my life choices.

What did I do wrong? How do I dig myself out of this? Why do I lack so much confidence? Why am I never good enough for those dreams which I aspire to? Is it all in my head, or am I actually as bad as I think I am?

As with everything in life, I really don’t have the answers… just a lot of questions.

Why does it seem like no matter how many strides forward I take, I am still lost? Will I ever truly feel as though I’ve found my way?

Lately my anxiety has been spiking at absolutely random moments. Today I was watching a video of a puppy who’d just finished eating dinner and he picked up his bowl and walked it around the house. That made me so anxious that I crawled into bed and laid there in the dark to calm down. What is it about the dog that made me anxious? I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you why anything is making me anxious lately. I can tell you that it sucks big time. I wish I knew how to fix my anxiety. Actually, I wish I knew how to not get anxious in the first place.

A girl can dream. Except I won’t because I’ll likely lay awake all night again…

31 thoughts on “Culmination of scattered thoughts

  1. I am so sorry it is happening with you again and again! I believe you had some professional help, didn’t you? I do not think any self-help would be enough, I am sure you tried all possible techniques. I hope you will find somebody who can help you!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I think what you are experiencing is very normal. There isn’t a day that goes by when I think, “Wow! I really have my shit together!” these same anxious thoughts get to me as well. I’ve accepted it as a fact of life. The question now is, what do we do about it? How can we cope with it?

    Before you go to bed at night, try making an herbal tea and disconnecting from all digital devices 1 hour before bed. Light a candle and drink your tea, or listen to a podcast (keep the phone in your pocket) or guided medication, as long as it’s not overly mentally stimulating. Then, make a list of what you want to accomplish tomorrow – a small list of 3-5 items (5 items max). When you go about your day tomorrow, see how you feel stroking off the items on your list. We often forget about how much we have actually accomplished as the mind tends to forget the good things and dwell on everything that’s “wrong” in our lives. It’s human survival to fixate on the things we don’t have or feel that we “need to fix.” Rumination is anxiety’s best friend. 😕

    P.S. And whoever freaking likes my comment who isn’t V from MillenialLifeCrisis, I am going to blow a fuse. <—- I feel like I need to slap this disclaimer on every comment I make for now on. I’m tired of the notification spam!! 😠

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      1. A high level of anxiety and depression varies from person to person. As much as I recommend seeking therapy for major depression and anxiety, it’s not always an option or feasible.

        That is true that chronic insomnia is a serious thing, and anything that helps with insomnia is a win in my book. Chronic insomnia sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

        Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you, @TheUnknownReilly! 🙂

        To clarify, it’s the bloggers who spam-like a bunch of my comments and blog posts in a row and never actually contribute anything meaningful. For instance, they will like 10+ of my comments or blog posts in a row to try and get my attention (or something), which annoys me even more because it’s notification spam. And it seems to be the same people who keep doing it…

        Liked by 2 people

      1. Sorry to interject, but I recommend CBT as well. Even though I only had 3 sessions, it was a good experience overall. The beautiful thing about CBT is that it forces you to get out of your head by taking action which leads to change in behavior and ideally, tangible results. Think of it like rewiring the circuit(s) in your brain.

        Liked by 3 people

  3. Sometimes I get very anxious when I see people around me yelling at each other..
    What has helped me as of now is to just be with the emotion..cry and get it all out..
    I am trying to dance it all out sometimes..
    Sending hugs ✨

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It’s perfectly normal to observe these thoughts, our minds are programmed to, it’s the ones you engage with and put action behind that matter. Challenge them, like asking yourself “what have I done for my own benefit”? Ego loves to keep us small and predictable. I choose to not listen to it mostly, just observe and then challenge. We each have the power to create our own best reality by doing so. It’s just practicing this. It’s 100% possible that you can switch this mindset around V. I know you can bc I did it. In the meantime, don’t beat yourself up bc you’re a very bright woman who is extremely talented and loved ❤❤❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Sometimes the weirdest things make me anxious. One day I was talking to my housemate and he, for not particular reason placed his two forefingers together. I wanted to scream “don’t do that!”, but why. I could think of no reason but obviously there was a subconscious trigger. Same with you and your puppy with its bowl. I’m afraid anxiety is part of our world. The thing is to learn how to manage it. After lots of therapy, I find distraction…music…reading…whatever you enjoy, and also deep breathing. It stinks, anxiety and all those thoughts about you being not good enough…well that is crap. I am 73 and spent my life not knowing where I was going. I have found peace now, in Upstate NY, in the country. I wish I had helpful advice. I feel for you but you are clearly very smart, knowledgeable….you will be fine. This bloody virus is a big part of the problem, I’m sure. Feel better.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Our thought process lies to us. Our so called self esteem lies to us. It sends us into a struggle then tells us that we are not capable of accomplishing the task. Like a boat without anchor in a storm we are tossed about…a lot. It has taken me a lot of self talks of the positive nature, repeating them on loop until I begin to believe. Finding good, solid friends to talk with, lots of prayer. It can be overcome, it just isn’t easy and can be quite the battle. But the times we win are glorious and make us want more.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I always feel compelled to reply to these posts because I relate to the existential crisis aspects, as well as the descriptions of anxiety and insomnia. What you’re experiencing is something that will need to be resolved, it won’t be possible to accept it as a fact of life as it will wear you down to breaking point.

    What do you define as a “stride forward”? I think you have some big needs being unmet and maybe part of it requires questioning some major assumptions of life— such as the whole capitalistic career rat-race type of things. I see you as somebody with strong innate talents and intuitions and who has a need to be doing something meaningful with their time. I don’t think you value personal wealth at all. My personal experience with chasing career goals was that they are completely empty once achieved because ultimately they are meaningless. There’s no humanity in that.

    What a lot of people do is get meaning in their life from starting a family. But that traps and locks you into churning through career stuff in order to support it. Forces you to have meaningless career goals and sit in rush-hour traffic jams twice a day. And is ultimately pointless again, because what’s the point of being alive just to increase your personal wealth and create more people who will just do the same?

    In my opinion, both careers and families should be a secondary effect of a more meaningful purpose in life, and are not necessarily a given and shouldn’t be assumed to be. You’re a highly sensitive and empathetic person and I feel like that is in conflict with your current lifestyle (even though you enjoy what you do at its core), because it’s lacking a feeling of humanity? Especially when it forces you to be in contact with people like Jake and the polar bears guy. Just guesses here.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Life is hard isn’t it. Just not sleeping can make you feel terrible. I had anxiety last year due to covid and it really is a horrible thing. I hope you get some sort of ease soon.

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  9. Hey Vee. This sucks. Our minds and brains are so powerful. We need to remember that. I just erased a whole shit load of stuff that I was gonna say but I know you know already. You don’t need to be told. You’re a capable and strong young woman. Sometimes taking that time out and regathering the thoughts is okay. Make sure you get that sleep. I take 5 mg of melatonin at night…works wonders. It starts and ends with sleep…if you don’t get it…things are bigger, scarier, more anxiety producing….Can’t sleep cuz of the issues…. vicious vicious cycle….solve the sleep. xo stay strong. you got this.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You are not alone. The pandemic has pitched an enormous curve in the familiar world we come to rely on for stability. All reports of psychologists on the news tell us that insomnia and anxiety are part of the effects of the pandemic. Be gentle with yourself. Ask for help.

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  11. You’re not alone in this. I too have had sleepless nights thinking about what I’ve done with my life. You’ll get through it. We both will. Life is ever changing and this feeling too shall pass.

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  12. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. Anxiety, especially when there is no specific, known source, really sucks. I hope that this passes quickly for you.

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