I consider myself a relatively not-stupid individual. By that I mean, if a situation is dropped in front of me, 9.8 times out of 10, I can do it, figure it out, or solve it. I’m pretty not-sucky when it comes to words (though I admit my editing is sub-par). I’m also pretty creative. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m going to brag about the fact that the three times in my life that I’ve taken part in an escape room, I was a part of the pair who got out first. We didn’t just escape the escape room first, we escaped the escape room with a wide margin between us and the next pair in line. So wide that we were already drinking beers by the time the next pair came along.
What does any of this have to do with what I’m about to complain about? Nothing, really. I just wanted to make myself sound painstakingly average to set the scene.
Why are duvet covers so fucking hard?
I invested in a king-sized weighted blanket about two months ago, and I’ve loved it ever since. My sleep has forever changed. To anyone who’s invested in a weighted blanket, you know there’s a giant jump in price between the Queen size (what I previously owned) and the King size. Given this jump in price, and the difficulty that comes from washing weighted blankets (because they cannot be put in a traditional washing machine) that only gets more difficult with the bigger, and heavier that they get, I purchased my stupidest purchase of 2021. I bought a duvet cover for my weighted blanket.
I know. I know. I know, don’t tell me. I’ve complained MANY times about how much I hate duvet covers. And I do. I still do. I spent $100 on a Duvet Cover (Don’t ask me why I spent $100 on it when you can literally get them at WalMart for $20) and it’s been sitting in my linen closet since the day that I got it.
I CAN’T DO IT.
I can escape the escape rooms. I can negotiate contracts with multi-billion dollar corporations. I can even eat Carolina Reapers when dared. I literally can’t think of anything else I’ve done in my life worth bragging about, but you get the point. I cannot, for the life of me, get a fucking duvet cover over my blanket. I feel like I need a degree in engineering.
I will literally pay someone $1,000,000 to come to my house and put it on. Okay, I can’t because I don’t actually have a million dollars.
See what I mean? Painstakingly average.
The entire concept of a Duvet Cover is stupid. Every time I open my linen closet I can see it there, folded so neatly, just laughing at my mediocrity.
I see you, stupid $100 that I’ll never get use from. I see you there, I see you laughing at me. You can just live there, in the closet.
Perhaps the silliest thing about this is the fact that mom used to work at a drycleaner and told me that I could probably just get the blanket cleaned for less than the Duvet Cover cost. Why am I still capitalizing Duvet Cover? I don’t know. I make a lot of poor decisions, not the least of which being my lack of desire to edit… or even use proper spelling and grammar to start with.
I’m going to go.
(*Slowly crawls back under bridge to live with the trolls where I belong)