I can’t. I can’t. I cannot.

I consider myself a relatively not-stupid individual. By that I mean, if a situation is dropped in front of me, 9.8 times out of 10, I can do it, figure it out, or solve it. I’m pretty not-sucky when it comes to words (though I admit my editing is sub-par). I’m also pretty creative. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m going to brag about the fact that the three times in my life that I’ve taken part in an escape room, I was a part of the pair who got out first. We didn’t just escape the escape room first, we escaped the escape room with a wide margin between us and the next pair in line. So wide that we were already drinking beers by the time the next pair came along.

What does any of this have to do with what I’m about to complain about? Nothing, really. I just wanted to make myself sound painstakingly average to set the scene.

Why are duvet covers so fucking hard?

I invested in a king-sized weighted blanket about two months ago, and I’ve loved it ever since. My sleep has forever changed. To anyone who’s invested in a weighted blanket, you know there’s a giant jump in price between the Queen size (what I previously owned) and the King size. Given this jump in price, and the difficulty that comes from washing weighted blankets (because they cannot be put in a traditional washing machine) that only gets more difficult with the bigger, and heavier that they get, I purchased my stupidest purchase of 2021. I bought a duvet cover for my weighted blanket.

I know. I know. I know, don’t tell me. I’ve complained MANY times about how much I hate duvet covers. And I do. I still do. I spent $100 on a Duvet Cover (Don’t ask me why I spent $100 on it when you can literally get them at WalMart for $20) and it’s been sitting in my linen closet since the day that I got it.

I CAN’T DO IT.

I CAN’T.

I can escape the escape rooms. I can negotiate contracts with multi-billion dollar corporations. I can even eat Carolina Reapers when dared. I literally can’t think of anything else I’ve done in my life worth bragging about, but you get the point. I cannot, for the life of me, get a fucking duvet cover over my blanket. I feel like I need a degree in engineering.

I will literally pay someone $1,000,000 to come to my house and put it on. Okay, I can’t because I don’t actually have a million dollars.

See what I mean? Painstakingly average.

The entire concept of a Duvet Cover is stupid. Every time I open my linen closet I can see it there, folded so neatly, just laughing at my mediocrity.

I see you, stupid $100 that I’ll never get use from. I see you there, I see you laughing at me. You can just live there, in the closet.

Perhaps the silliest thing about this is the fact that mom used to work at a drycleaner and told me that I could probably just get the blanket cleaned for less than the Duvet Cover cost. Why am I still capitalizing Duvet Cover? I don’t know. I make a lot of poor decisions, not the least of which being my lack of desire to edit… or even use proper spelling and grammar to start with.

I’m going to go.

(*Slowly crawls back under bridge to live with the trolls where I belong)

32 thoughts on “I can’t. I can’t. I cannot.

  1. You make me laugh! I hate duvet covers too. I’ve tried different ways and I hate them all. Best I can offer is hold one corner of the duvet and insert it into a corner of the cover. Then get the other duvet coener and insert it in the other corner. Then kind of run your hand along the top, holding on to the duvet and when you gat to the middle, stand up on the bed and hold it up and shake. With a king size, though, unless you are really tall and have long arms, probably won’t work. I could do it with a queen, when I was more fit. But I’ve given up. Now ask me if I know how to fold a fitted sheet….that I can do because I looked on YouTube. Ha ha. I’m still laughing.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. See, with the straight confidence and bluntness you always give me, I could’ve sworn this comment was going to say “Best I can offer is to burn the damn thing and move on to more important things that make you feel insufficient in life.” lolololol

      Also, fitted sheets don’t get folded. They get crinkled in a ball and thrown in a back corner.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ^^pro-tip.
    I always say to treat it like a giant pillow case. Scrunch it all down, get the bottom corners in and then pull the top corner up, or as mentioned above, shake it down.
    You can do it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me: “I can’t. I can’t. I cannot.”
      Christopher: “I believe in you. Here’s a tip.”

      Damn you and your unwavering goodness. I CANNOT. Don’t make me use the word ‘literally’ in a figurative sense. lol

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Your duvet cover story is hilarious, and the few comments here along with those others have mentioned to me of their challenges keeps a broad smile on my face.

    Whether it’s a duvet, a pillow case or a cushio cover, the process for putting one on is the simplest. These are the steps I take, it takes less than a minute regardless of size and I hope it helps you and anyone else reading.
    1. Turn the cover inside-out.
    2. Slide your hands into the far corners of the cover.
    3. Grab the ends of your duvet (pillow, cushion) and shake the cover over the leading edge.
    4. Put your hands together and hold both corners of cover and duvet with one hand then brush the rest of the cover down the remainer of the cover.
    5. Flick it out (like snapping a towel) a couple of times then tuck the opposite ends into the cover, and zip / button up the cover.
    Your cover is now rightside-out and fully over your duvet.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. OH MY GOD. EVERYBODY PLEASE READ THIS.

      I’ve known and used this method since I was 14 when I randomly saw somebody on celebrity big brother demonstrate it to other housemates (Anthea Turner, I even remember the person). Haha, she even has her own video on it now!

      I am simply amazed and horrified at how few people knew this method and had been struggling this much for all of this time!!! Surely you’d never change your bed sheets with that much hassle? 😨😨😨

      This method takes 30 seconds or less 😭😭😭🤣.

      PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE use this method. And always google even the smallest of household things, lol, there’s ALWAYS a youtube video on it.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes!! At some point in my life I gave up on my duvet cover (bc truly I only bought it bc I thought that’s what adulting was all about)!

    Question, have you seen those cool videos of ppl with the duvet hack where they roll the blanket and duvet together like making sushi and somehow when they unroll it, it magically syncs??? I dunno how it happens but I’m amazed every time!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. It’s called the California roll. Yup. Just google YouTube. I use a duvet cover–please people don’t throw things—I needed to protect what was under. Blankets are expensive and if you have a hubby that eats icecream in bed it makes a helluva mess…. Just so you know…I couldn’t get the California roll to work but then again I never really tried it for real…I just watched the video over and over and over….

    Liked by 2 people

  6. What is a duvet cover? And while I know that I can look it up on the net I am asking you because a) you have capitalized Duvet Cover b) you have personified your Duvet Cover and I love that. I am forever personifying inanimate objects. It makes thinks so much fun. c) Can duvet covers be as bad a trying to fold a fitted a sheet? Because for me that just becomes a ball stuffed in the bottom of the linen closet. Have a wonderful day my Canadian Neighbor. I am over in MB.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ah… but can you fold the fitted sheet?

    I’ve never attempted a duvet cover. Seems fancier than I’m willing to go as a bachelor who sleeps on top of the comforter just so I don’t have to make the bed every morning…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hahaha Again, talk about timing. Was it not yesterday or the day before that I was whining about the duvet cover zippers and having to fight with them whenever I need to wash the cat hair off?

    Like

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