08-08-21

I have deep-rooted intense fears of failure. It’s really difficult for me to admit to that, but there are a lot of aspects of my life that I allow to be dictated by the prospect of safety, security and of not rocking the proverbial boat.

I have always tried to project to this world that I’m fearless, that I truly do believe I can do anything. Truth-be-told, that’s definitely not the case. I’m incredibly insecure and I struggle with finding the confidence to really put myself out there.

Let’s talk about a “for instance” or two… or twenty.

I’m presently trying to design a lead-generation website. I’ve been working on it since late May. I should’ve been done by down. I should’ve been done a long time ago. But, I can’t. I’m struggling every step of the way. I know what lucrative structure lead generation is, and I know that it’s quite literally some of the most passive income you can make, and I’m struggling. This should be easy for me. Why is it so hard? Why isn’t it done yet? I understand website design. I understand SEO. I understand Google Ads to put my Lead Gen at the top of Google. Why am I not done?

I’ve been talking for over a year about starting a podcast. I want to start a podcast because I like to talk, and talking on a podcast seems like a great medium to share long-form content when I’m struggling to write. I also know some really cool people with crazy stories and crazy careers. I thought that I could leverage my relationships with said people to make sure the podcast isn’t boring being only myself (roadblock one). I finally have a microphone that provides quality sound that I can sit down and record and I’ve rediscovered how much I hate my voice (roadblock two). I actually made the first episode. And… I’ve never let anyone hear it. I don’t know that I will ever let anyone hear it. I don’t even want it to become something that turns into something where tons of people hear it. I’d be happy if like 20 people listened to it in a week. But I also don’t want those 20 people thinking ‘Damn, she’s an idiot’, or ‘Damn, her voice is annoying’. So I stop myself from doing something that I want to do. Why can’t I just allow myself?

I know that I need a new resume. I know that I want to find a new and better job. I desire a job with a better pay structure and fairer treatment. Every time I sit down to work on my resume, though, I get overwhelmed. That feeling of being overwhelmed, it stops me from actually writing a new resume. 2021 has taught me a lot about the difference between knowing what you’re worth, and what your company thinks you’re worth, or tries to tell you that you’re worth. All that being said, my company has acknowledged they’re not paying me nearly enough for the industry standard, and that they know I’m worth more, but that they won’t ever be giving me that. So, I need to find my own way out. Why am I not writing my resume? I know that I need to.

Some days it feels as though I can’t get out of my own head. Some days it seems like it’s all I can do to just function like a normal human being. Then, then I start to feel sorry for myself. Then I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself when I’m clearly capable. I don’t doubt my abilities. I fear failure. Which is crazy.

Some days I truly wish I could get out of my own head. I’d probably be a lot more successful in life if I did.

40 thoughts on “08-08-21

  1. Many of us face things similar to procrastination.
    The fear of not being successful in a task stops us to even start that.
    We know the steps but, not the execution.
    You’re working on web design? Let me know I can help in any way. I’m a developer by profession(student currently).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is the story of a vast majority of people. Fear of failure has killed numerous dreams . The biggest obstacle to progress lies in one’s own head.
    Do not worry about your voice, just record and podcast, let people listen to your thoughts. What and why of the thought matters more than how it is said.
    Stay blessed always
    🙏🌹🙏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so incredibly wise. And your comments always seem to calm me. Thank you for this, and for talking some sense into me.

      Like

  3. Take your time! I too find myself in similar situations. Thou’ I haven’t yet created a website with my own domain and all I do understand it may become a bit hectic ..when creating a lead generating website.. talking about long form content..oh girl! I am totally inclined towards that now..like totally…I just don’t want that typical reels..and short form of content… Well, talking about podcast…I did began a podcast years back…and earlier this year came back with 2nd season..hehe..just talking anything which comes to mind…🤠😂

    But the thing is I don’t have a schedule..the only thing well maintained right now is my YouTube channel…and the content is so diverse..lol..as I fell in love with Turkish songs I am singing those on YT.😂 But I enjoy the process and the outlet it provides me…you know what I mean..

    But…pls. release your first episode..I would love to hear that😇🥰🥂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There’s a saying for this: Get out of your own way.
    It’s such a simple phrase…yet so hard to execute. And I’ll just admit that advice of any significance is much easier to give than it is to actually implement. Which is why people with messed up lives give such great advice.
    You’ll get there…if it’s something you truly want. If it ends up not being something you’re passionate about, it’s probably just a distraction from your true purpose.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so grateful for the little droplets of wisdom you sprinkle my direction. ‘Get out of your own way’ is really relevant to me right now because it feels like I’m the one putting up roadblocks to stop myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Call them my “Withered Wisdoms”, but I swear these are a blend of advice I’ve gotten and lessons I’ve learned, so…let’s not trademark anything just yet.
        I appreciate you!

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  5. V, you seem very stressed out. That is a whole bunch of major projects to do at once… No wonder you feel vulnerable! Maybe you’re burned out?

    I get the impression this is a “It’s not about the nail” situation?

    You have the first episode of your podcast done? That’s amazing! That’s the hardest part of creating anything!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not sure what you mean by “It’s not about the nail”? I think that might be a saying of some sort that I don’t get the reference too and isn’t completely clear to me when I try to google it.

      I’m scared of failing, so I’m sticking with the safe options. Then I’m stressed I’m not living up to my potential or chasing my passions. It’s a real catch 22.

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      1. Its a reference to this video: https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg

        This is okay to feel. Failure does suck, but the good thing is that you can start again after. As for projects, if I don’t have a detailed plan or guide to follow with check points, I feel like this. That’s a reminder to step back, take a breath, and progress one step at a time.

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  6. Times are so different, so there’s no comparison, but I was a lot like you, last century! My problem was I never had anyone encourage me. Your company obviously thinks highly of you but I don’t think that’s the same thing. You have to ask yourself “why am I insecure? What will happen if what I do doesn’t work?’ What will happen if things don’t work is that you will get credit for trying and you will gain a ton of experience, probably a lot of knew contacts etc. If you are passionate, really believe in what you want to do, you will find a way to do it, likr when I had to sell my house in WA State and haul my decrepit body plus 13 cats across the USA to a place I didn’t know. Everyone thought I was mad and two close friends fought me. It was the best thing I could have done and I felt so much relief. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You rock and you know it!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel like you could teach me a lot about life. Just the little bits and bobs I get from your stories in your comments lead me to believe you’ve got some incredible stories and lessons.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Probably good that I prefer a simple life full of probable failure. That sounds like an awful lot to contend with at once. And I assume you’re not doing more things and completing everything because you’re slightly overwhelmed by it all (and your brain isn’t exactly helping)?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have about 20 projects ongoing that I’m kind of… doing little bits of each one as to ensure I never finish any of them. My brain is mad at me for not finishing any of them, but also happy with me because if I don’t finish any of them then it’s just probable failure, not actual failure – much like you’ve suggested.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. You know, there are some times when I’m reading your blog and I just want to grab you by your shoulders and shake you out of this madness. And yet, I completely understand it… I mean, you absolutely know your worth. You don’t need to be told that you are awesome or that you are accomplished or that you can pretty much do whatever it is you’ve put your mind to. Because you’ve proven that you can do it. But that doesn’t stop the disconnect between what you know in your head with what you believe in your heart. I wish it was as easy as someone saying, “Stop doubting yourself.”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I feel like we’d be good friends if we knew each other IRL. I feel like you’d do a lot of knocking sense into me (metaphorically, not physically). Thank you for this comment, and for reminding me that I really shouldn’t be doubting myself. Self-confidence issues is something a lot of people struggle with. But, I shouldn’t let it hold me back.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hate how crippling self-doubt can be. My whole life I’ve wanted to be a writer. I’ve always wondered if I have it in me to write a book… or a lot of books… But, my whole life, I’ve always had that tired voice in the back of my head saying I’m not good enough… so why bother trying?

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  9. I think creative types do have manias where everything can happen if you just had 100 hours in a day. Then, when the stimulation ends its just, disappointing. We end up in front of some doctor that over prescribes and barely listens. Or, we learn to love failures. Those are us those things that don’t quite work as we planned them. Disappointment is unreal expectations these stressors block hope that failure will not be the end of everything. I hate positive psychology. I really do. It doesn’t lead us stoicism and resilience just furthers a narrative that will continue us to further disappointment perhaps, while staring at puppies or something.

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  10. This post is very relatable, I’m going through a procrastination phase myself .
    Just take it slow and keep pushing yourself, even talking about it is a big step and I’m glad you did .
    You’ll do great 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m procrastinating writing the novella I started a year ago. It shouldn’t be so hard but it is. I encourage you to finish through what you are working on and start that podcast. If you feel uncomfortable about it later, you can always delete the episodes

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  12. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” But I can relate to how you’re feeling bc I do the exact same thing. I’m not sure how to overcome it but I’d recommend leveraging your mood. For example, I’ve been most productive at updating my resume when something upsets me at work. I wait for those occurrences to happen (which is regularly) and can use those moments to make really good progress on my resumes and job searches. Just an idea I wanted to share with you in case it helps you too… Good luck!

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  13. I couldn’t relate to this more. I have several things in my life that I’ve wanted to do, that I know how to do, but yet I haven’t done them.

    Even when I have put in effort, I’ve always reverted back to where I was comfortable because I don’t want to release anything I do that isn’t my definition of perfect.

    What keeps me going?

    There is no such thing as perfect; keeping this in mind, there’s no doubt that in order to get to your definition of perfect, you have to be willing to accept the inevitable failure and learn from it.

    This will start to change how you view failure: from fearing it, to looking forward to it.

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  14. Well, my belief about all this is that ‘its okay’. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to be you. I don’t believe anyone should think they are worthless. I do think, from time to time, that what I’m doing is worthless, “nobody will like my African accent”, “nobody will want to see an acne stricken short boy on video” blah blah blah.
    These thoughts come…and they go. But never do I think I’m any less apt to share what I have. And I think you should, too. Be a little kind to yourself, girl. You’ve got this.
    You can try to do what I do: post and forget about the numbers. Do that five times, ten times, and you’ll figure that nobody really cares about your voice or whatever. They want the message, just like this one. I hope I’ve said something useful. Keep working. Love you.

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