I cannot say why. I’m anxious, though. Very anxious. I am, dare I say, spiraling.
I hate anxiety. When it comes on, it comes so strong. There’s really nothing I can do to stop it. It just hits… like there are bricks laying on top of my chest, making it difficult for me to breathe, or move, or think.
I hate anxiety.
The thing about working in confidential circles is that you can’t share things with people. When you cannot share things with people you have to keep them inside and that is hard. That’s really hard.
I really don’t think that my current resume makes me sound as good as I am. It’s hard because everyone seems to have different opinions on what makes, or breaks, a resume.
I need to write a new resume.
I need to write a new cover letter.
Well, technically the cover letter gets changed with a job that I decide to apply for. But, I’d love to be able to write a base-letter that I’m proud of, that I can make small adjustments to when needed.
I need to up my game.
I don’t want to be stagnant in life. I want to be the best.
I want to be ready for the right position when the right position comes along.
I need a new resume. If I can negotiate six figure deals with foreign governments, I need my resume to reflect that… without breaking confidentiality. (Because if I read a vague statement like that on someone else’s resume, I probably wouldn’t believe it)
I’m definitely not quitting my job. I just… I just need to have something ready for when opportunity presents itself. Opportunity has been whispering lately and I want to be ready if something comes.
Right now, my resume likely makes me sound average at best.
People who say ‘we should do coffee’. No, no we shouldn’t. There’s a reason why we haven’t seen each other in years. If I wanted to go for coffee with you, I would have at any point in the past [x] amount of time in which we haven’t communicated.
Parents who exploit their children on the internet for cash. I’m not talking the mom’s or dad’s who post pictures of their kids just because. I’m talking about the parents who post pictures or videos of their children and go into very detailed descriptions of their physical or mental health issues or tell their child’s personal stories for things like Mr. Clean Advertisements (because yes, this does happen on Instagram all of the time).
People who are unwilling to do their job. If you’re being paid to do a job, please do said job. If you don’t like it, if you don’t want to be there, if you think you’re too good for the job, whatever the reason might be… you don’t need to make everyone else’s lives difficult because it
Guys that don’t call you when they say they’re going to. Don’t say you’re going to call if you’re not going to call. No woman, myself included, wants to be sitting around waiting for a man to call.
People who make everything about them. When you’re telling a story or reading or a story or simply minding your own damn business and that person always has to speak up about something that happened to them, or someone they knew, or something they did… yeah those people.
Drivers that hold up all the traffic in a parking lot so that they can wait 20 minutes for a spot close to the door. Heaven forbid they’re forced to park two rows away and walk an extra 200 feet to get into the store.
People who take all but the last two sips worth of the coffee, or the orange juice, or the milk, so they don’t have to replace it. If you drink the end of the coffee, make another pot. If you drink the end of the juice, get more juice.
People don’t care abut something until it happens to them. It shouldn’t have to happen to you for it to matter to you. Period.
Nosy neighbours that need to mind their own business. Nuf Said.
People that pretend to care. At least when people don’t fucking care and are honest about it, they have the guts to be honest about it. Someone pretending to care is such a waste. A waste of effort, a waste of thought, a waste of emotion. Just a waste.
So this ended the heat wave in Calgary. This isn’t my picture. It’s from Twitter. I can’t see who originally posted it, and it seems like 50 or so have posted it now, so I don’t have credits. Basically, Calgary went from the hottest temperatures ever recorded in Calgary’s history to flash flooding. This rain/hail mixture fell very fast, leaving several streets underwater in various parts of the city.
In other parts of the city there were massive hailstones that broke windows and damaged roofs/siding of houses and plenty of cars. Someone named Brandon shared this photo of the hail from the South end of the city. That’s a Canadian Quarter (25cents) in his hand
Here’s another example of why these hail stones were able to do so much damage. Not my photo.
There’s been some wild weather in Western Canada the past week or so.
Just days after earning the record of having the highest temperature ever recorded in Canadian history, the tiny town of Lytton in the BC Interior has been burned up in a forest fire.
It’s estimated that the fire has burned up 90% of the town. The fire took over the town in what seemed like a matter of hours, but to the people in town, it probably felt like minutes. There’s some pretty amazing footage of people driving out of town. It was a grab the pets, grab the photos and get the hell out kind of scenario. Example:
There are people missing, though it has not been released how many (that could largely be because people could have evacuated to different places and it will take time to locate them). Let’s hope that as many people as possible made it out safely. Sadly, there have already been some lives declared as lost to the fire. Please keep them in your thoughts – those who lost pieces of their families and their lives and their homes. May everyone who’s currently unaccounted for be safe, somewhere in the province.
I grew up in British Columbia and have spent most of my life there. Forest fire season is no joke on a a regular year. I cannot imagine how dry those forests are after this recent heat wave. Forest fire season this year could be worse then ever before. Let’s hope it doesn’t get that way.
I actually have some photos of Lytton on this blog from two years back. It was a very cute little town. The kind of place where everyone knows everyone and it costs 50 cents for a rootbeer float. It was a special little town.
The past few days I’ve seen quite a few people around the internet stating that people in the Pacific Northwest and Western Canada are stupid for not having air conditioning.
I’d like to remind those people that air conditioning is a luxury. It’s not automatically installed in every home that’s built.
Why? Why should it be?
We don’t all live in Arizona. I say that jokingly, but also truthfully. The Pacific Northwest is the rainiest place in the continental USA. Western Canada is covered with snow 6-8 months of the year, and the rest of the year, barely manages to reach 30 degrees Celsius (86 Fahrenheit). It’s not normal for the weather to be this hot. Nor should it be.
Fewer than 50% of homes in Canada are built with air conditioning. Actually, it’s probably closer to 30%.
I’m not as familiar with the warmer states, but I have a hunch that air conditioning is not as likely of a regular feature there as well. Air conditioning costs money. A lot of money. To install. To run. To maintain. With so many people at, or below, the poverty line, air conditioning isn’t likely something accessible to them.
Please don’t call people stupid for not having air conditioning.
Be grateful that you have air condition and recognize it for the luxury that it is. Then, understand that not everyone in the world does, and that’s okay. Heat waves like this make life unnaturally difficult to bear in this part of the world. But, there are people who deal with this heat regularly where no one has air conditioning at all! Have some compassion. It’ll take you a lot farther in life.
Recently, one of my favourite YouTube commentator channels, Tiffany Ferg, did a video about the role that wealth and class play in one’s ability to succeed with social media as a career choice. Video here, for reference:
One of the things that Tiffany spoke of in this video is the way that money, or lack thereof, can play a significant role in who we are, and who we become.
So, let’s talk about financial trauma.
The concept of financial trauma is the idea that those from low-class economic status have larger portions of their personality shaped around money than those raised in the middle class or upper class. Essentially, growing up poor or barely scraping by, play a considerable role in who you become.
From a personal perspective, this is absolutely true.
From a societal standpoint, I do believe this to largely be true. It’s one of the reasons, I think, why lottery winners are infinitely more likely to file for bankruptcy than regular folk. The sudden windfall of money is something that they really don’t know how to deal with, especially if lands in the laps of someone who’s spent their whole life scraping by, or just making it pay cheque to pay cheque.
But, let’s backtrack here.
I grew up in what is regularly defined as one of the most expensive cities in the world to live in. I was one of five biological children and seven total children living in the house. As a family, we were very much house poor. This means that we were living in a house, we had a roof over our heads and were ultimately very privileged in that sense, but the sacrifices made to ensure that roof stayed over our heads meant a lot of sacrifices in other areas of life.
My siblings and I would regularly go out on bicycles after dark to collect cans and bottles from dumpsters, to earn what very little money we could so that my father would have a way to and from work each day. There were actually days in which he hitchhiked to work. (Due to my father’s profession and the location of our house relative to where he worked, it was very difficult for him to find a coworker who was headed there at the same time as him)
Those memories, they stay with you. They define you, dare I say.
Even so, I know that while I may have grown up low-class in an upper-middle and upper class world, I still acknowledge how blessed I was to be in the situation that I was. Sharing a bedroom with three other people was annoying at times, but I did have a room. I had a house. I had a place to come home to. It’s something that I know a lot of people in the city which I grew up, and the world, did not and still do not have. For the sake of this share, I just wanted to acknowledge the privilege that I did/do have.
One thing I distinctly remember from my childhood is that, for the years in which we did have a vehicle (largely my teenaged years), the gas tank was always riding ‘Empty’. My parents had scraped together enough to get the vehicle, but between the vehicle and the house payments, things felt tighter than ever before.
I think this is very much one of the reasons why I didn’t purchase my own vehicle until I was 31 years old. I think this is one of the reasons why you will never, ever, ever see the gas-tank in my car get below the half-way mark. I can’t do it. The anxiety and stress that I get from seeing the gas-tank read closer to ‘E’ than it does to ‘F'(Full) is something that I cannot tolerate. If I cannot afford to fill up my car with gas, to keep it above the half-way mark on the tank, then I won’t drive my car until I can.
This, to me, is the idea of financial trauma. That the socioeconomic status in which you’re raised is something that stays with you, for what I can only assume is your whole life.
I know I’m not alone in this.
I know someone who grew up in a world-renowned mountain town, one famous for skiing/snowboarding, winter lifestyle and affluence. Their parents brought them to this country as refugees and they landed in this mountain town by some sort of cosmic coincidence.
Their upbringing was hard. This mountain town, known for accepting wealthy tourists from all over the world year-round, was one where cost of living was high, while the possible wages able to be earned by a refugee couple and their children was.
They’ve told me stories about working as a bag-boy and shelf-stocker in the grocery store every day of the week from as early in life as they were able to work, with the money they made in week not even being able to afford them the groceries they would want to buy from that very store. And of following their mom and dd to work as janitors at night to help them get work done faster so they can get more done, and thus make a little more money for the family.
This person, a lot of the financial decisions that they make today are the outcome of what they went through growing up. They go out of their way to ensure that living pay cheque to pay cheque will never again be their reality. They also go out of their way to ensure they don’t/won’t work in any industry remotely related to the jobs they worked growing up. The way in which they grew up has played a big role in defining the decisions they make today.
To an extent, I think this idea of financial trauma will be present in anyone who has lived, or is presently living in a situation in which money is not something that allows them to be comfortable. And, when you really stop to think about it, it’s something that really doesn’t affect those who come from a higher-level socioeconomic class. Because they’ve never had to worry about money, they’ll likely continue to not worry about money, or the choices they make with their money. Not unless they suddenly fall into bankruptcy.
So what shapes them, then? What shapes the upper half? If they’re not plagued by the choice of which bill to decide to pay this month, how do they discern how to make difficult decisions in life? I’m not too sure, really. I can speculate. But, since I’ve never experienced being in that place in which I don’t have to worry about money, it wouldn’t really be fair for me to do as such.
Also, I just want to point out that this is not my shaming of people who come from, or presently reside in, upper-half socioeconomic classes. Money is a wonderful thing. And, if you’re able to reach a point in life in which you’re comfortable, which you have a cushion in your bank account, I think that’s a very good thing.
I wouldn’t say that I have a cushion, where I’m presently at in life. But, I did manage to pay off my debts earlier this year, so I reckon I’m probably in better financial standing that many people my age. That feeling of having no debts, that feeling is unlike anything I’ve ever achieved before.
Funnily enough, my parents, in their late 60’s, have officially paid off all of their debts this year as well. While I’ve noticed a certain ‘lightness’ to them that I’ve never experienced before in my life, I also notice that there are certain things they’re unwilling to do. There are certain decisions being made out of the preservation of their present status in life, to ensure they never go back to their state of financial trauma.
I’d also like to note that financial trauma affects everyone differently. For some people, I think financial trauma manifests itself in hyper-consumerism. People desire to have things to showcase their status. For other people, financial trauma can manifest itself in an unwillingness to buy anything.
As much as money can’t buy happiness, it doesn’t play a very large contributing factor in who we grow up to be. Whether we went through financial trauma in the past, or we’re presently going through it now, money affects every decision in our lives, to some extent.
I’m not really sure how to close this, so I’ll just leave with an ideological thought that’s been on my mind for years. Internships should be abolished. The concept that young people should be forced to work for free and that University, College or High School credit, or ‘experience’ should be enough of a reason to force them through financial hardships should end. Free labor/labour should not exist in the western world. It shouldn’t exist in the world at all, actually. But that’s a discussion for another day – something I need to do a lot more research on and learn a lot more about. The concept of forcing a young person to work for free, ‘to pay their dues’ whilst they’re still required to pay their bills, their rent and they still need to eat is wholly unfair. At the very least, interns should be paid minimum wage in the industry for which they work.
At what point in time do we stop wishing for younger generations to ‘pay their dues’ (a grossly misguided belief) and start saying ‘perhaps the favour I can do for future generations is to ensure they don’t have to go through that which I did’.
There’s a stipulation in my lease agreement that says the tenant (I) and all visiting parties are only to use entrances and exits to this house for entering and exiting the house. Now, I love a good excuse for defenestration as much as the next gal, but puhhhhlease… give me some credit. Anyone going out of or coming into my house through any other means than use of the door would be silly.
My landlord is an intelligent, Tesla driving, progressive, open-minded individual. Knowing what I know about him, this stipulation in my lease leads me to believe he might have had some specific issues related to people not using the door in the past. Which is weird. Though, people overall seem to be weird creatures and the stupidity people are capable of really doesn’t surprise me these days. So, I’m fine to sign the lease agreement stating that I, nor anyone else, will exit the house through anywhere other than the doors.
In other news, I had the inspection of my car done about 400 miles ago but the individuals who did the inspection never reset the notification so every time I turn my car on and off all I hear is beeping with the car screaming “INSPECTION DUE”. I have to go back to the dealership to get this notification reset. It won’t just allow me to reset it myself. So that’s annoying.
First world problems, I know.
Right now I am hiding in my bedroom, largely because it is the coolest room of the house. The lights are off and I’m watching a show called Scandal, which if you’ve never seen, I highly recommend. I didn’t get much done today. It was a lazy Saturday. I didn’t even clean my house. I’ve just been enjoying myself.
I love summer.
I love warm weather.
I love that the sun shines for so long each day.
I know that the heat can be bothersome to many, and pose serious health risks to people without shelter or adequate water who could likely suffer from heat stroke. I am not a huge advocate for single use plastic bottles but on days like these, I recommend them. For you. For friends. For strangers. There’s a few different charities here in the city who are accepting bottled-water packs as donations so they can hand them out to the homeless around the city. I reckon there’s arrangements like that in place all over, so if you’re curious about what you can do to help in times like these, consider looking into that? It’s something so small, but it could quite literally make a world of difference to donate a twelve pack of water to a shelter or community group in weather stretches like these.
And, of course, stay hydrated yourself. Drink twice as much water as you would normally drink. Your body needs it. I’m saying that even though I know it sounds like I’m lecturing.
The head of the applicable business unit at Acronym Only sent me a private message on LinkedIn last week that is/was very interesting. They actually want to meet with me. That, in itself, was shocking. There was a couple of paragraphs of stuff in there that really surprised me. I have not responded yet. I wonder if they think that I’m ignoring them. I might be, to an extent. I’m not exactly sure how to respond.