Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe it is time I realize that.
Have I made it back to the doctor yet? No.
But, I’m not beating myself up for that fact. I will get there. In the mean time I have taken steps to help minimize my stressors/triggers. I spoke with my boss and am working-from-home for the remainder of the week. Thankfully, I am blessed to be working a company that both allows, and makes it possible, for employees to work from home.
Being around people was making me anxious. My boss was very understanding. When I really stopped to think about it, 100% of my productivity working from home beats 50% of my productivity working from the office because I cannot function because I am so anxious about everyone around.
It’s not a permanent solution. But, for now, I’m taking things day-by-day.
I also took the advice of multiple people who sent me notes both here and on Instagram and I tried meditation last night. While I cannot say that it did anything for me last night, it was my first time ever trying meditation on my own, so I am going to give it more attempts.
I also have not watched the news in two days. I am hoping that helps me not get so stressed about the events of the world. While I do believe it’s important to be informed, it just feels as though the constant influx of ‘holy shitballs’ stories night after night has definitely been getting to me.
Tonight I’m working on another site. I’m also trying to build a store that’s not really a store (it needs to look, appear and feel like an online store without actually using a platform such as shopify as I don’t need the payment platform). I’m considering making some new #MillennialLifeCrisis shirts for my birthday, and I probably should eat dinner and sleep somewhere in there.
What’s everyone else up to these days? I’d love to hear some good news, if there is any out there to be heard. If you’re Canadian, how are you safely taking part in the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday?
After about a month of absolutely debilitating anxiety that has kept me from, well… everything…. I finally worked up the courage today to go to the doctor and seek some help.
This wasn’t an easy step for me to take for many reasons, one of which being that, even with doctor’s offices being very careful with respect to COVID, the idea of being in a small waiting room with someone who was potentially ill made me very anxious. Nevertheless, I did it.
When I got to the doctor I learned that maximum capacity had already been met for the day and they could not take any more patients because they would not be able to see any more patients before closing. Their waiting room was full and with the amount of people who were in there already, they were likely going to be there late.
While I completely understand the situation, I left feeling really defeated. It’d taken me so long to work up the courage to go and admit to my anxiety and when I got there, I was turned away.
The woman whom I spoke with at the clinic told me that I could come back during the week. I just, I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to work up the nerve to go for a second time.
I know that I have to do something. I was just hoping that everything would’ve worked out the way I wanted it to. Being anxious is not important enough means for me to be in the emergency room. So, I think I just need to muster the strength to get back there at some point this week.
The last time that I saw a doctor about my anxiety, they provided me a referral for a therapist. Attending those appointments actually helped me considerably at the time. I wasn’t able to continue because the referral that I was given was only for a certain number of appointments. While that therapist is in another province, I still somehow wish I could just go back and see her. She understood me.
Right now my anxiety is so bad that hypotheticals of hypotheticals of hypotheticals are keeping me from sleeping. Ex: My landlord works for a company that was talked about on the news this past week because they announced massive COVID related layoffs. Immediately I was hit with a fear that he’s getting laid off and because he’s getting laid off he’s going to sell his house because he needs they money and when he sells his house then I’ll be without residence and needing a place to land, in the middle of the winter.
Why is my mind trailing so far down these rabbit holes and why can’t I stop it?
I have to stop watching the news.
I have to do something.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I think I can do this. I think I can get back to the Doctor this week.
I hope I can.
Today’s a real zinger. A short, simple and relevant quote left by the CEO.
“If you don’t make time for your wellness you will be forced to make time for your illness.”
Let that sink in.
From time to time I have been sharing stories of things seen on my company discord.
If you missed the first posts, you should check them out!
It really scares me.
I should be happy. Why am I not happy?
On paper everything sounds perfect. In reality, I cannot shake this anxious pit in my stomach.
I hate being truthful about it because I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I know how lucky I am. Anxiety is not logical, though. There doesn’t need to be a reason or a rhyme. Sometimes you just have to deal with the quakes as they come.
I slept until 1:30 pm today.
My mind has been plagued with so many worries for the past week that it’s been difficult to fall asleep, and when I finally do fall asleep, it’s been increasingly difficult to wake up and actually get up.
Hiding from the world seems ideal. The world can’t hurt me if I’m hiding in my room.
So, let’s start:
My office is opening on Monday. Two of my coworkers tested positive for Corona Virus yesterday. They weren’t in the office, but, it does serve as a reminder to me that I have no control over how safe, or not safe, my coworkers are being with their interactions. I’ll admit, I’m terrified that I’m going to go into that office and it’s going to take no time before I’m sick.
Not only that but stupid thoughts are plaguing my mind. How do I share the coffee maker? Should I buy a cooler style lunch bag so that I don’t have to share the fridge with people? Not sharing the fridge will keep me out of the lunch room and further away from people. Is it weird to be afraid of your coworkers? The city is still in triple digits for positive cases being reported daily.
Kids are also going back to school next week. Since our Premier is determined to share literal propaganda about this virus and how people contract it, I’m ultimately concerned that social distancing is going to fall by the waist side and cases are going to shoot right back up. And at that time, is my office going to stay open? Will my office close again? What’s the future look like in a world that is anything but certain?
In September I’ll also be attending a memorial service for my uncle who passed away earlier this year. Technically speaking we’re still not supposed to be holding gathering’s here. Rather than a memorial service at a Funeral Home or inside a large room somewhere, we’re going to be having it on a beach. Even being on the beach, I’m still nervous about it. I’m trying to arrange getting a Corona Virus test before going but I’ve learned that I cannot get a guaranteed return period for results. The memorial service is on a Saturday, and if I get a test on a Friday, I cannot get a guarantee that I’d have the results for Saturday. It’s making me nervous because, while I don’t intend on getting too close to anyone, I honestly would never forgive myself if I were the reason for one of my family members getting sick. For that reason, I want the test. So I have to figure out what day to get the test for guaranteed return of results.
Speaking of going to a memorial service, I’m basically not allowed to return to work for two weeks following. The week following the memorial service there are two crucial virtual events that I’m supposed to be prepping our company for. Doing that from home is going to be difficult. I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve been working from home since May so it shouldn’t be that much harder. It’s just going to involve me having to hire people to do some things at the office that I can’t do.
I’m also worried about money. I’m always worried about money. That doesn’t seem to go away for me. I think that’s something that largely effects the majority of the human race, so I am trying to remind myself to not let that get the better of me. It’s been plaguing me since childhood so it’s really nothing new.
Am I overreacting? I’m certain that I am. Anxiety is not logical, though. Anxiety has never been logical. I’m just worried. And the worries don’t seem to lessen no matter what I do. So I don’t see myself leaving my bed any time soon.
Somebody’s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get their fast
Never stop to think ‘what’s in it for me?’ or ‘it’s way too far.’
They just show on up with their big old heart
I don’t know how I got so lucky. Last night, in my anxious ridden moments of weakness, panic and sadness, you showed up. The support you presented, support that you gave me, it’s support that people could only ever dream of finding in their lifetime and I have it in stride. I feel like the luckiest girl in the whole world. And, you know, I also feel like I don’t deserve it, but I am thankful. So thankful. Last night meant the world to me, and I want you to know that.
I had a panic attack at the end of work today.
My three month probationary period review is on Thursday. It was supposed to be last week, but it got moved to this week, so I’ve had to carry that nervousness around with me for an extra seven days.
I’ve been very anxious about the review.
If I make it through this review without getting fired, I’ll have passed the probationary period, I’ll be an official employee with benefits and holiday time and get a work credit card and all that jazz.
But I keep telling myself ‘if’. ‘If’. ‘If’. It’s a word that can really eat away at you if you let it. And, for some reason, I’ve been letting it eat away at me since my review was rescheduled from last week to this week.
What if they fire me?
What if they say ‘hasta la vista’ and they just don’t give a damn?
What if this all ends and comes crashing down around me as quickly as it started?
I’ve been doing really good with respect to my anxiety for the past two months. I’ve had very few major issues and, for the most part, when I get anxious, I’ve been able to be reasonable and calm myself down.
This afternoon I sent my boss a message on Microsoft Teams chat and they read it and didn’t respond. They didn’t respond and my mind just started racing.
‘What if I’ve failed?’
‘What if this all ends on Thursday?’
‘What if I’m fired?’
It didn’t take long before I was struggling to breathe and found myself curled up in a ball unsure of what to do. I’d like to think I’m calmer and a lot more collected than having a panic attack because my boss left me on read.
All that being said, perhaps if I survive Thursday then I will be.
Here’s to hoping they don’t fire me. Confident me says they won’t. Anxious me says that the worst case scenario is always possible, no matter how confident I am.
I really don’t understand why I am even trying.
Lately I’ve felt nothing but alienated and alone. It sucks. It really fucking sucks.
Debt scares me.
When I was a kid my family did not have a lot of money. Often we barely had enough to get by. My parents always made sure that we had food to eat., but I do remember instances where I was wearing my shoes until they had holes in them, and then continuing to wear them past that point. I do remember my siblings and I having to go out on our bikes to the nearby recreation centres and ball parks to look for cans so that we could collect enough money to hopefully put five dollars worth of gas in the vehicle so my father could get to work. I do remember a few times when the collection of cans did not provide enough and my dad actually hitch-hiked to work.
Debt scares me. I don’t ever want to go back to that place.
Now that I’m an adult, I am really good at living within my means. I’m really good at not getting something unless I absolutely need it. I’m really good at going without. I know the difference between needs and wants and I know how to stretch a dollar. I’m very careful with what I purchase. I’m very careful with how I choose to live because debt scares me.
I want a plan.
I want to know that everything is going to be okay. I want safety and security in a world that can provide anything but.