What’s the cure for loneliness?

I cannot remember if I’ve asked this before on this blog. I’m just lonely and I cannot shake it. No matter what I try to do. No matter how much I try to distract myself. I’m just abundantly aware how alone I am at all times.

As much as I’m an introvert, it’s just nice sometimes to be able to cheers with someone sitting across the table. As much as I’m an introvert, it’s just nice to watch a stupid movie and hear someone else laughing in unison. As much as I’m an introvert, it’s just nice to have someone show up.

08-08-21

I have deep-rooted intense fears of failure. It’s really difficult for me to admit to that, but there are a lot of aspects of my life that I allow to be dictated by the prospect of safety, security and of not rocking the proverbial boat.

I have always tried to project to this world that I’m fearless, that I truly do believe I can do anything. Truth-be-told, that’s definitely not the case. I’m incredibly insecure and I struggle with finding the confidence to really put myself out there.

Let’s talk about a “for instance” or two… or twenty.

I’m presently trying to design a lead-generation website. I’ve been working on it since late May. I should’ve been done by down. I should’ve been done a long time ago. But, I can’t. I’m struggling every step of the way. I know what lucrative structure lead generation is, and I know that it’s quite literally some of the most passive income you can make, and I’m struggling. This should be easy for me. Why is it so hard? Why isn’t it done yet? I understand website design. I understand SEO. I understand Google Ads to put my Lead Gen at the top of Google. Why am I not done?

I’ve been talking for over a year about starting a podcast. I want to start a podcast because I like to talk, and talking on a podcast seems like a great medium to share long-form content when I’m struggling to write. I also know some really cool people with crazy stories and crazy careers. I thought that I could leverage my relationships with said people to make sure the podcast isn’t boring being only myself (roadblock one). I finally have a microphone that provides quality sound that I can sit down and record and I’ve rediscovered how much I hate my voice (roadblock two). I actually made the first episode. And… I’ve never let anyone hear it. I don’t know that I will ever let anyone hear it. I don’t even want it to become something that turns into something where tons of people hear it. I’d be happy if like 20 people listened to it in a week. But I also don’t want those 20 people thinking ‘Damn, she’s an idiot’, or ‘Damn, her voice is annoying’. So I stop myself from doing something that I want to do. Why can’t I just allow myself?

I know that I need a new resume. I know that I want to find a new and better job. I desire a job with a better pay structure and fairer treatment. Every time I sit down to work on my resume, though, I get overwhelmed. That feeling of being overwhelmed, it stops me from actually writing a new resume. 2021 has taught me a lot about the difference between knowing what you’re worth, and what your company thinks you’re worth, or tries to tell you that you’re worth. All that being said, my company has acknowledged they’re not paying me nearly enough for the industry standard, and that they know I’m worth more, but that they won’t ever be giving me that. So, I need to find my own way out. Why am I not writing my resume? I know that I need to.

Some days it feels as though I can’t get out of my own head. Some days it seems like it’s all I can do to just function like a normal human being. Then, then I start to feel sorry for myself. Then I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself when I’m clearly capable. I don’t doubt my abilities. I fear failure. Which is crazy.

Some days I truly wish I could get out of my own head. I’d probably be a lot more successful in life if I did.

Thoughts of July 13

When we start to better ourselves, the improvement often comes with deep sadness. This sadness comes from us realizing what we’ve missed out on, how badly certain people have treated us and what we did deserve up until this point and never got.

Healing involves grieving. Growth involves reflection. Improvement involves acknowledgment of shortfalls. Acknowledge it. Admit to it. Own it. All of it. And don’t you ever, for one moment, for one second, feel bad for cutting toxicity from your life. Boundaries are healthy.


I’m tired. The past few weeks of my life have been nothing short of absolutely exhausting.

People are exhausting. No, actually, people are disappointing. And I say that with what little faith I put in humanity. I expect below the bare minimum of people and they always somehow seem to disappoint regardless.

I just want to escape. I just want to leave everyone and everything behind. I just want to operate a fruit stand in The Maldives.

I’m just annoyed. I need to stop whining to the internet. I’ve put an emphasis on personal growth this year and it’s been hard to face who I am, who I was and what I haven’t been doing so long. It’s also been hard, though, to realize the shit that I’ve put up with from people in my lifetime. I’ve been way too kind to way too many people who really didn’t deserve it.

I am anxious.

I cannot say why. I’m anxious, though. Very anxious. I am, dare I say, spiraling.

I hate anxiety. When it comes on, it comes so strong. There’s really nothing I can do to stop it. It just hits… like there are bricks laying on top of my chest, making it difficult for me to breathe, or move, or think.

I hate anxiety.

The thing about working in confidential circles is that you can’t share things with people. When you cannot share things with people you have to keep them inside and that is hard. That’s really hard.

I’m whining and I really need to stop.

I’m just anxious tonight.

I probably should sleep.

The reality of social anxiety

A while back I shared “Life with social anxiety”. In the post I go into great detail about what it’s like, from my perspective, to deal with social anxiety.

The reason why I mention that post today is because I want to, again, talk about social anxiety.

For people that don’t suffer from social anxiety, it’s hard to understand it. For people that do, it’s hard to explain it. This can lead to confusion, misunderstanding, misrepresentation of how conversations are carried out. It’s a tangled web.

See, I’m not very good with people. I’m not the type of person who will start a conversation. In fact, if you don’t start the conversation, we might not even have one. I don’t find silence to be awkward. I actually find silence to be calming. People often, though, mistake my silence for attitude.

If there’s one thing that this pandemic has done for me the past year-and-a-half, I haven’t had to explain myself as much. I haven’t had to come up with excuses for why I couldn’t go somewhere or do something. The pandemic did that for me. Now that I’m fully vaccinated and the majority of people in this province are also vaccinated, or getting vaccinated, it’s much safer to go out and do things. Events are starting again. People are meeting for coffees, or dinner and drinks, or just to sit around the table and talk.

All of those things are good. Believe me, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE GOOD. They’re just hard for me.

I’m awkward.

I don’t love hugs.

Most days I don’t even appreciate handshakes.

In social settings, I won’t deny someone a hug or a handshake if they gesture for it, but I’m definitely not going to initiate it. Sometimes I get the sense that people think I’m cold-hearted because of that.

It’s been nice to not have to force myself into situations that make me uncomfortable for a year and a half. I know, I know, I know all about how we’re supposed to do things in life that make us uncomfortable to ensure that we grow, but, when it comes to social anxiety, it isn’t a situation in which if I do it more, I become more comfortable with it.

I’ve come to the realization that I will always be awkward.

I’ve always been that person that smiles and nods at a stranger if they ask me a question or give me a compliment. Actually, when it comes to compliments, I don’t take them well at all.

Being vaccinated has given me a lot of freedom back. For that, I’m grateful. Wandering the aisles of the grocery story without worry is a really good feeling. It will take me some time to adjust, though, to being around people again. Conversations in passing, meeting for coffee, going to birthday parties (haven’t really started here yet but I know they will), getting my haircut… these things will take me time. I am that girl who will sit in the stylist’s chair for several hours (I have long hair) and maybe say two or three words the entire time. Over the course of those several hours getting my hair cut, I will worry about what the stylist is thinking of me. But, I won’t open my mouth to talk. That is social anxiety guiding me.

For those that know me, they know that I struggle with social interactions. For those that don’t, I’m all too sure they think I’m rude. I think about that a lot, actually. I think about what everyone thinks about me. All the time. They don’t dictate who I am, or who I get to be, but I still do worry I’m leaving the wrong impression.

I guess, as the world opens up again, it’s important to be patient with people.

I am who I am. My social anxiety guides a lot of what I do. If I say no to an invitation, that’s not a reflection of the invitee, that’s me. If I integrate back into the world slowly, there’s a reason for that.

Social anxiety is complicated.

Vaccination Gratitude

Now that I’ve had my first shot, I cannot stress enough how grateful I am. I’m grateful to the scientists who made the vaccine, I’m grateful I live in a country where it’s accessible to me. I’m grateful to the people working tirelessly for sixteen hours a day trying to get as many people vaccinated as possible.

I feel like such a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel so much less anxious. I feel so thankful. It is such a blessing to be able to be vaccinated.

I’m so thankful to have the added protection.

I’m so thankful that vaccines have been made more accessible in my province this week.

I’m so thankful that so many people appear to be getting them.

Vaccinations are a good thing. For everyone in society. If you have the chance, and it’s something that I highly recommend everyone take the opportunity to do (if you’re able, that’s of course, as I know it’s not medically possible for some people). If you have questions, please talk to your doctor. Or a doctor. Basically, ask a medical professional.

My anxiety has gone waaaaaaaaaaaay down since getting the shot. I’m still distancing and wearing a mask, of course. It’s just peace of mind to know that I have an added layer of protection. It feels so good to know that.

Some days

Some days I wander around this earth waiting for the rug to be pulled from beneath my feet. Some days all I do is wait for the other shoe to drop. Some days, I say. Some days.

There are days when I am confident, when not a thing in this world can touch me. There are days when the smile on my face is genuine. There are days when I don’t have to worry. There are days.

These days I worry a lot. These days I’m sad a lot. These days I’m very lonely. These days I don’t know what to do. These days I’m afraid to be honest with people because everyone always says ‘Oh but you have so much’. It’s true, I do have a lot in my life. Things don’t always equal fulfillment, though. Things are just things. Fulfillment comes from within. These days…

One day I’ll figure out what exactly it is that I am chasing. One day I’ll feel as though I finally fit in this world, somewhere. One day I’ll have all of the answers. One day.

Until then, I don’t have the answers… just a lot of questions.

Culmination of scattered thoughts

I laid awake most of last night.

I’ve been doing that a lot lately, actually.

I try to sleep. I’ve tried things that could help me sleep and they never do. So I just… lay there. I lay there and I think. Usually I think about my life choices.

What did I do wrong? How do I dig myself out of this? Why do I lack so much confidence? Why am I never good enough for those dreams which I aspire to? Is it all in my head, or am I actually as bad as I think I am?

As with everything in life, I really don’t have the answers… just a lot of questions.

Why does it seem like no matter how many strides forward I take, I am still lost? Will I ever truly feel as though I’ve found my way?

Lately my anxiety has been spiking at absolutely random moments. Today I was watching a video of a puppy who’d just finished eating dinner and he picked up his bowl and walked it around the house. That made me so anxious that I crawled into bed and laid there in the dark to calm down. What is it about the dog that made me anxious? I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you why anything is making me anxious lately. I can tell you that it sucks big time. I wish I knew how to fix my anxiety. Actually, I wish I knew how to not get anxious in the first place.

A girl can dream. Except I won’t because I’ll likely lay awake all night again…

Feelings and whatnot

I don’t think that I’ve ever felt lower of myself then I have in the past couple of months.

It really doesn’t matter how much of a pep talk I try to give myself. It really doesn’t matter how many times I try to tell myself that I need to not be so hard on myself. I see myself in the mirror and I feel depressed.

I’m pretty certain that almost everyone deals with self confidence issues from time to time and that what I feel is not unique to me. That being said, that doesn’t make it suck less. My confidence is at what feel like an all time low.