Excerpts from a book I’ll never write.

I have a profound appreciation for people who are able to make me see a different perspective, understand different opinions and view life in a different light.

A way with words, that’s my weakness. Also, the key to my heart. Someone who can string some seemingly senseless words together in a manner which causes me to tear down all the walls I’ve spent so long building, that’s magic.

P.S.

Thank you to every kind soul who’s asked the past couple of days. My mom’s on the mend. She even came out for a walk with me last night after the sun went down. She’s regaining her strength day by day and I have high hopes she’s going to be just fine.

‘Whatever makes you happy, my love.’

They’re simple words, so genuine and heartfelt. Spoken with truth to them they have the power to make you feel as though you’re the only person in the world who matters. Or, perhaps even, the only person in the world at all.

A few weeks back, I made a post titled Tips for coping with anxiety from a Psychiatrist.

One of the tips mentioned in that post, reads as follows:

Think of a memory, one happy memory, and keep that memory at the top of your mind, always. When you think of happy memories, it produces serotonin in your body that can help boost your mood. If you keep one happy memory at top of mind, always, you can use that memory when you’re feeling triggered. Forcing that happy memory on your brain when you’re feeling anxious/stressed can help trick your brain. It’s not going to take away the things in your life causing you stress, but it will help you cope with the stress better.

Because I have been implementing this step into my daily routine, and because my world needs a little more happiness in it each and every day, especially in the past week, I am making the effort to write down my happy memories that I choose to remember in times of stress. Here goes…

Knight likes to buy lottery tickets. I’m not sure if he did prior to meeting me, but, one of the things we talked about on our first date was what each of us would do with the winnings if we ever one the lottery. Ever since I’ve known him, he’s always purchased lottery tickets.

Whenever he goes to the store, he purchases two lottery tickets. One for him and one for me. He turns to me, smiles and tells me to pick wisely.

“What if I chose both?” I ask, specifically trying to be a pain in his ass.

“Then take both,” he laughs. He’s not kidding when he tells me to take both. I know that if I did, he’d let me keep them both.

I’ll give him a ticket back, naturally. I mean… I’m not totally selfish. (I am. But I can be fair, too) And then I continue the discussion explaining to him that if I win, I’m keeping all of the money to myself.

“Whatever makes you happy, my love.” There it is. There’s those words. Genuine. Heartfelt. Thoughtful. Truthful.

“You’re also aware that, if you win, you’re required to share half of your money with me, right?” Chuckling again, he says “I’d expect nothing less”.

It’s the small things, they means so much to me. The fact that when he speaks these words, I know he’s being truthful. The fact that I know he’d never ask a dime of me, if I ever did win the lottery with a ticket he purchased for me. The fact that I’m absolutely certain that if he did win the lottery, he’d want to split it me.

People talk a lot about hypothetical scenarios, and honestly, he and I do a lot as well. I think that our hypotheticals mean more to me though, because there is a layer of truth to them that I don’t get from anyone else I’ve ever known.

I’m not wealthy. I haven’t won… yet. But there’s always a chance. I guess that’s why he purchases them. While I know I like to joke, the truth is, I’d likely give him all of the money if I won on a ticket that he purchased for me.

Thinking back on these moments, it brings great happiness to my mind. It’s my trick to forcing serotonin in my brain when I need it most. It’s my light on the dark days and a means to make me smile, no matter what.

A letter to a broken soul.

Dear Self,

You need not listen to the mustn’ts, you need not listen to the don’ts. You need not listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles the won’ts. You need not listen to the never haves or the stay-aways or can’ts. Don’t listen to the he, she or they said, not even if it in chants. Listen here carefully, yes listen here to me, anything can happen self, anything can be.

It’s okay to feel down sometimes, it’s okay to feel blue. Just remember when that happens those who stick to you like glue. Take your sadness, sorrow and frustrations and turn them upside down. Because nothing lasts forever, self, not even that sad frown.

Don’t forget to chase your dreams, self, I know it’s easy to neglect. Don’t you dare put your dreams on the backburner if they’re not accomplished yet. Dreams are so very important to who you are and why, so make your dreams a priority, self, I want to see you fly.

Put you above all else, and don’t second guess that thought. You’re important too, self, believing that, you ought. Prioritizing you is not selfish or self-centered. Prioritizing you is integral to happiness in this life you’ve entered.

Go after what you want, self, you deserve the world and more. Don’t ever doubt your abilities, your skills, knowledge or roar. Your voice is loud and mighty, self, no matter way they say. The things that you speak matter, self, so speak your truth today.

Be honest with yourself, self, and please don’t ever stop. Keep on going through the bullshit and give this life your best shot. Please be kind to strangers, and loved ones along the way, we’re all fighting battles and we all need some more kindness in our day. And as with all things please remember, this too shall pass much like a new year follows each December.

Thankfully, 2019 won’t last forever. So weather this storm with pride, self, and show the world why you’re better. Better than the judgments, better than the opinions, better than the stigma and the stupid minions. They don’t matter at all, what’s important here is you, so love yourself for who you are and I promise you’ll get through.

Love yourself,

Self.

Hello old friend, we meet again.

I’m not writing this from home today. I’m not even writing this from a Starbucks or a quaint little cafe, where I’d love to be right now. I’m writing this from the waiting room at the hospital.

My mom is really sick right now. Actually, she’s been sick since her treatments stopped. But, the doctors informed us that would be the case as her body tries to regenerate/recuperate with good cells after all she’s been through with treatments and surgeries the past few months. Today, though. Today was different. Today was next level.

I’m not sure if it’s the stress of the news we were hit with yesterday, or if it was just a reaction that was already coming and she could’t see it yet, but either way, she needed to see some experts. Last night, when the onslaught of the sickness really kicked in, I begged her to go and see a doctor and she assured me that it was, as the doctor’s noted, her body recuperating. This morning when she woke up, that was a different story.

So here I sit, in the hospital waiting room for a few minutes. She’s being run through some tests, having some scans done, and… honestly, I’m really not sure what else. I’ll leave that to the doctors and nurses. They’re the professionals and they can tell us what happens/happened when they’re done.

I’m just hoping that she’s okay.

That’s all for now.

The truth about life is…

It’s not always easy. And, it’s not always fun. That’s just the way that it works. Some days you can feel as though you’re walking on sunshine, like fairies help get you dressed each morning and life couldn’t possibly get any better. Other days, it’s all you can do to get yourself out of bed.

While I do acknowledge that not everyone experiences the extremes to each end of the spectrum as I do, everyone has good days and bad. That’s a genuine fact of life. No one is on top forever. And, what I’ve been trying to tell myself a lot this week, no one stays down forever. This too shall pass. Bad days never last. Yatta, yatta…

All you can do is enjoy the sunny days and weather the storms as they come. Because the storms will always come.