“Your value is not your current circumstance.”

I went to see my Therapist today. Let me just say, she’s wonderful.

One of the biggest takeaways that came from today’s session was the fact that I’m someone who correlates my value to my present circumstance.

I’m in a shitty place in my life right now. I am. I don’t avoid that fact at all. I’m unemployed, I don’t get along with my parents, my family and most people around me. Not for lack of trying, mostly for the fact that my beliefs and outlook towards the world are vastly different than those which I was raised with.

I know that I’m an intelligent, competent, qualified person. I know that I have a pleasant personality, that I’m loyal and I giving of kindness, compassion and love. I don’t see those things though. I see consistent rejection. I see consistent disappointment. I see myself consistently falling short, whether it’s my fault or not… I always find myself blaming… myself.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think no matter who you are or what your situation is, a lot of people correlate their value to their situation. And a lot of people wind up in bad situations at one time or another in their life. After all, we’re all only human.

It’s something that I struggle with. I need to be better at accepting rejection. Because this is my present situation and even though it’s my present situation, it’s not my value. Even if they reject me, I’m still intelligent, competent, qualified, pleasant, loyal, kind and compassionate. I’m still all of those things. But when I consistently find myself getting rejected, I consistently find myself believing I’m being rejected because I’m flawed. Because I’m a problem, because I’m a loser. Because there’s something wrong with me. There’s always something wrong with me.

I’m not saying that I’m perfect. Because I’m definitely not. But I could be a fucking incredible addition to any office, and all of these rejections do not have anything to do with the value that I bring to this world.

I need to do a better job at talking myself up. I need to do a better job at remembering that if they don’t hire me that’s their loss, not mine.

My therapist, the sweet and wonderful human being that she is, said ‘I think you’re too big for this town. I really do. In the limited time that I’ve known you I’ve come to realize the sheer capacity you have to change people, and to make them better.’ And honestly, hearing it come from her was a huge boost to my self-esteem. Then she went on to say ‘I wish you would take that power you have to change others and use it to instill change within yourself. It’s time you start believing in yourself.’

After I left her office I went to watch my nephew play hockey. There’s no reception in the arena(it’s basically a giant cement cave) so I had a few missed calls when I got out of the arena. One of the voicemails was from my Therapist. She’d gone online and looked up positions pertaining to my skills/experience and called to tell me the positions that she found that she believes I should apply for. How amazing is that? She went looking for potential jobs for me!

I need to do a better job with rejection.

I need to remember my value. In 2019, dealing with this shit storm has made it so easy for me to believe less of myself and diminish my value. I’m not any less of a person than I’ve ever been and I need to start remembering that.

Circumstances don’t define me. It’s just a temporary stop on a journey to where I need to be, where I belong and where I’m happy with what I truly deserve.

Had a good job interview… for a change.

Oy!

I thought I was the only person who added ‘Batman’ on the end of a statement when I was trying to accentuate the statement.

I had a job interview over Skype this afternoon. It was with an Architectural Design firm and I think that it went really well.

It started off on a bit of a funny note. I’ve been dealing with a woman at the firm who has been arranging the interviews for the CEO. When she called me on skype prior to the CEO walking in she was immediately startled and said ‘Holy Blue Eyes Batman!’

I laughed. I also said ‘Sorry’. I’m not sure why I said that. I just chalk it up to being Canadian. I’ve gotten reactions from people about my eyes for my entire life. It’s not really anything new for me. And I genuinely do think I startled her. I can’t imagine what it’s like to see my face as big as a wall.

She said ‘Are you wearing contacts?’

‘Nope, this is my natural eye colour,’ I said.

She apologized to me several times for commenting on my eyes (I think she felt really awful about her reaction), and then she told me she needed to dim the brightness of screen. (She seems like a good person. I bet if I did work there we’d be friends.)

The CEO came in, the interview went really well. I genuinely think they quite liked me. The CEO was laughing and told me that my qualifications were impressive on a few different occasions.

I don’t want to get my hopes up only to get disappointed, but my hopes are up with this one.

Cross your fingers for me, please!

Day by day my soul strips away.

Okay, that’s a little dramatic, I’ll admit. But when I get upset, that seems to be how I feel.

I went to a job interview today for an office assistant position. The position title was “Office Assistant”, I did not misread it. Thinking I’m more than capable of doing that, I applied.

Upon getting to the interview today, I learned that they weren’t wanting an office assistant, they already had one. They were wanting a collections agent.

The company is 1.6 million dollars in debt, due to the lack of collecting payment for services rendered over the past several years. As they sat there explaining to me the position requirements that were, and I quote: “making calls all day every day to collect payment”, I couldn’t help but think I was wasting my time.

When I was asked if I had any questions for him, I only asked one question. I said: “Why did you advertise for an office assistant if you’re looking for a collections agent?”

The boss was dumbfounded that I would ask such a blunt question in an interview.

His response? “I’ll be straight with you, doll. I really didn’t think that I would attract the right type of candidates if I posted the job was for collections.”

I can’t even begin to explain how much it made my skin crawl to hear a 65 year old lying creep refer to me as ‘Doll’ in a job interview. But hey, at least he was straight up willing to admit he lied through his teeth because he knows the job he’s offering is shit. A LOT of employers won’t do that.

When he asked if it was a job I was interested in I told him that I’d need to think about because I have no experience with collections and that’s a definite worry of mine.

His response? “Don’t worry doll. With that sweet and sultry voice of yours I’m sure you can convince anyone you talk to of anything. Getting money from them will be a piece of cake.”

Excuse me while I hold back my vomit.

I said ‘thanks for your time’ and then went on my way.

I’m really not sure what to do. On the one hand, I need a job. On the other, if he’s talking to me like that in an interview, I can’t imagine what he’d talk like if I was actually his employee. Also, if he can flat-out lie on the job posting, how do I know what he says is truth or not?

Ugh.

Unemployment.

Can Wal-Mart just hire me already? It seems like it’d be nice to just stand at the cash register and scan items through for eight hours. It’s mindless. I could do that. I could do that well. Seems like a much better way to make minimum wage than working for a creepy boss trying to collect more than 1.6 million dollars in unpaid funds.

Unemployment is exhausting on the body, mind and soul.

Another day, another setback.

I first had a phone interview with a company on July 3rd. They had liked me so much that I had a Skype interview with the same company on July 10th.

Then I was told they needed a week to continue interviews with other candidates and they’d get back to me. I was told I’d hear from them regarding a decision on July 17.

On July 19th, I sent an email and said ‘Hey, haven’t heard from you guys, just wondering if there are any updates’, in a professional manner. Less than ten minutes later they wrote back and said ‘Hey, we’d like for you to have a skype interview with our CEO. He has a busy schedule though, we’ll get back to you when we know he’s available for an interview’.

On July 22 they sent me an email that said the CEO would be available to do a Skype interview with me on August 6. More than two weeks away, and more than a month after my initial phone interview.

I ain’t got nowhere to go. My job offer had been rescinded on July 11, so it’s not like I had many choices. I agreed to call them on Skype on August 6 at 11 am and asked that if a time came up prior to that point they let me know because I’d love to speak with their CEO sooner.

I waited my turn. I continued applying for jobs, arranging interviews, wasting my time filling out assessment tests that explain nothing more than a candidates deductive reasoning skills. I’ve not been sitting on my butt. I’ve genuinely been trying as I waited for August 6th.

August 6th finally arrives.

As I’m straightening my hair and putting on my makeup this morning I hear my phone beep with an email that’s come through.

9:55 am I receive an email that says “We’re so sorry to do this to you but we have to cancel. An emergency came up and we won’t be able to have the interview this morning. – M”

ALRIGHT. At this point you’re just screwing with me. You’re wasting my time and you just don’t give a fuck.

Honestly, I’m so tired of these games. If you’ve got another candidate you’ve offered the job to, that’s fine. Stop lying to me. If you actually had an emergency in which you have enough time to email me, you’d say “We’ll reschedule”. If you actually cared about me as a candidate whatsoever, you’d say “We’ll be in touch” or something of the sort. But nothing. No “We’ll call you”… noooo language whatsoever that’ll allow me to believe I’ll ever hear from this company again.

I feel like this is the unemployment version of a breakup where… instead of breaking up with you they play stupid games with you in hopes that you get fed up and walk away.

A (whiny) day in the life of an unemployed millennial.

It’s been a few weeks now since my mom was officially declared to be in remission. Here, here! I’m thankful for the incredible doctors, nurses, caretakers and specialists who looked after her for the past eight months. It’s all because of them that she’s now healthy.

Since she’s been in remission, I’ve been struggling to find my way. Truthfully, I don’t know how I fit into this family. When I was looking after my mom I had a purpose for being here. Now I just feel like a little bit of a dead-weight permanently attached to their ankles.

Every day is different, but most days involve the same themes to them.

8:30 am – Wake up, take dog outside, feed dog.

9:00 am – Eat breakfast, watch the Maury show. (I’m not sure if anyone else loves this show as much as I do but watching Maury makes me feel a lot better about my problems)

10:00 am – Crawl back into bed because… really, I don’t have anything to be awake for.

11:00 am – Wake up for a second time.

11:30 am – Go to meet my brother and sister-in-law for lunch. Tell my brother and sister-in-law how excited i am to be starting my new job next week, that I really needed this and that’s important to me to be making a pay-cheque again. Tell them all about the issues I’ve been having in the past six months trying to find work and how frustrating the process is and feel as though they genuinely understand and don’t just presume I’m lazy and unmotivated. It’s a nice change.

1:30 pm – Return home. Take the dog for a quick walk to get her out and give her some exercise.

2:00 pm – ‘To-be boss’ phones and leaves irky voicemail while I am in the shower asking me to call her back immediately.

2:20 pm – Call back my ‘to-be boss’ to be informed that the job I am supposed to start in three days I am no longer hired for. Is it technically considered as being fired if I never made it to my first day? Apparently corporate restructuring came down just three days before my start date, so my job offer has been rescinded. But, she said ‘You’re a smart kid, I know you’ll land on your feet’, so everything’s going to be okay. Right?

2:22 pm – Immediately start crying. Cannot control the crying. Text my mom and Knight to tell them what happened. Proceed to spend several hours feeling sorry for myself and mad at the world whilst trying to tell myself that this wasn’t meant to be, I’m meant for bigger things and that I’ve ‘dodged a bullet’.

6:30 pm – Ordered takeout

6:35 pm – Back to the drawing board. I opened my computer back up, searched jobs in this city and jobs in Calgary (where I’d like to be) and began editing and submitting my resume to each of these businesses.

I would just like to say, job hunting is an aggravating process. One of the applications I filled out asked “Can you speak Canada?” That doesn’t even make sense. I can definitely speak better English than that, so can I have the job of creating your job applications from now on?

8:30 pm – Take dog for a long walk. There’s a large hill with 100 stairs near my house. I like to take the dog there and I do the stairs and she runs the hill beside me a few times over to tire her out. Exercise is good for the soul, especially when you’re in a bad mood. I wholeheartedly believe that.

10:00 pm – Back to the drawing board, continuation from earlier. I’m browsing job postings. This night I am also submitting my resume to McDonald’s and Burger King. I may not like the outfits, but I think it’s time I start one of these jobs, at the least, to ensure I make some money this year.

I like to put Friends, The Big Bang Theory or Two Broke Girls on the tv in the background. The great thing about all three of these shows is that they’re pretty much on at all hours of the day if you look.

Job hunting isn’t the funnest process. At least, with these shows I can have a couple of laughs during the hunt.

1:00 am – Play Clash Royale until I’m ready to fall asleep.

I’m not really sure where I’m going next. I’m not really sure what I’m going to do. At some point I’m going to have to tell my friends and family that I was ‘unhired’ and had the rug pulled from beneath my feet. I presume that’ll come on Monday when they all ask me how work is going and I don’t have a response fo rthem.

Right now, I guess I just have to keep going until I find the path that’s right for me. I hate having so many unanswered questions. I hate having so much up in the air. For someone who moved out of the house when she was 16, it’s a really hard pill to swallow to be unemployed in my parents basement at 30.

I can truly say that I never saw this happening for my life. I can truly say that it’s a struggle, most days, to keep going. But I guess the important thing at this point is to keep going and stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to get out of this rut. Life isn’t always easy and I need to be better at dealing with that.

I know I’ll land on my feet eventually. I just wish I knew when that was. Because, quite frankly, not knowing is what makes this so hard.

Offer rescinded.

I don’t even want to tell anyone this. Honestly. I don’t want to tell my family, or my friends. They were all so excited for me,and now… ugh. I feel this deep pit of shame in my stomach and it’s not even my fault. I can’t get rid of the feeling though.

I was supposed to start my new job on Monday. Monday. Monday… as in three days from now.

Yesterday afternoon my ‘to-be’ boss phoned. My job offer was rescinded. I was fed a bull-shit line about ‘corporate restructuring’ and that I’m a smart kid so she has no doubt I’ll land on my feet soon.

Fuck her. Honestly.

I guess it goes to show you really can’t celebrate the victory in anything because it’s not really a victory. Last week there was no corporate restructuring… but this week there is. Yeah, yeah, yeah I see how it is.

But I’m a smart kid and I’ll land on my feet…

Fuck her.

Back to the drawing board. I’ll probably wind up working at McDonald’s soon. Not that there’s anything wrong with McDonald’s… just that my degree and the past decade of my life won’t really be put to good use at McDonald’s.