Tuesday’s surprise

Five people from my work were fired today.

Five people. No explanation as to why, just notification that they no longer work for the company.

Five people got fired and I wasn’t one of them. I know it’s just my being overly sensitive but I really feel for each of those five people. Whatever the reason they were fired, I know what it’s like. It’s never good to be abruptly out of a job… let alone during a pandemic.

Usually you hear about last hired, first fired… but I was the last person hired. I’m still here, still standing and feeling like I dodged a bullet in some way.

Overheard on discord: The CEO dropping wisdom

Today’s a real zinger. A short, simple and relevant quote left by the CEO.

“If you don’t make time for your wellness you will be forced to make time for your illness.”

Let that sink in.


From time to time I have been sharing stories of things seen on my company discord.

If you missed the first posts, you should check them out!

Story time: The office frat-boy

Story time: Overheard on Discord

Second job hunting

I’m looking for a second job. I need something to keep me busy. The way I figure it, if I can make myself busier, I’ll have less time to think. If I have less time to think, I’ll have less time to be anxious. At least that’s the train of though I’m presently following.

Plus it would mean extra money. Extra money is always a good thing, right?

Christmas is coming.

I need some new glasses.

I need some new work shoes.

Extra money could come in handy for all of those things.

The problem with finding a second job is trying to find one that has minimal interaction. There’s all kinds of jobs available around here that involve a lot of interacting with the public. While I greatly admire everyone who’s been working those jobs for the past seven months through this pandemic, I just don’t think I can be one of them. I need to keep my interactions with people minimal right now, for my own peace of mind. If the point of working a second job is to keep myself from being anxious, I don’t want to put myself in a position to make myself more anxious.

Right now I’m thinking a delivery driver would be a good job for me. That or finding someone who is willing to pay me to work from my couch. I know, I know, I know… a girl can dream, though. Perhaps if I hope for it long enough, I can dream it into fruition.

Day 1 = Done

Went back to the office today. I’m proud to say that I only had one panic attack the entire day. With how anxious I’ve been feeling about being in the office and being around my coworkers, only freaking out once is a huge deal for me.

The CEO left a Costco Size bottle of hand sanitizer, a set of face masks and a large container of disinfectant wipes on everyone’s desk for when we arrive. Normally I am not a fan of single use products, but I think under the circumstance it was a nice gesture for him to provide and I will make use of them. After all, my aversion to single-use products is far less important than keeping the office clean and disinfected.

It’s weird… being around people right now. I want to be nice, I want to be kind. I want to shake the hands of someone I’ve never met. I can’t. I fear people. And I don’t mean that in a way to make me sound weak, or sad, or pathetic… I say that to say the closer I get to people, the closer I get to germs.

I just got out of the shower. Needless to say, I needed to do that before I could do anything else when I walked in the door. There’s about enough time left in the day to have some dinner and decompress. I need to get ready to face the world again tomorrow.

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that feeling.

Texas is business as usual

In a non-pandemic world, one of the most prominent aspects of my new job is that I’m supposed to be travelling with the sales team to help them with events, client meetings and all that jazz.

Whilst the majority of the world seems to have halted all in-person events, Texas seems to have… missed the memo? I’m not too sure what’s happening down there. They seem to be going ahead with their in person events and they seem to believe that it’s business as usual.

In a non-pandemic world, there are three major events in Texas in October and November that would require being there for three weeks. Three weeks… in Texas. These event organizers are still going ahead as though nothing is going on. They’re basically hounding my office at this point to get our flight information and registrations verified.

“Why aren’t you coming?”

“We’ve got hotel rooms booked for you.”

“Accommodations are being made. Please let us know when your flights are booked.”

My boss has cancelled all trips, events and in person meetings for the rest of the year. He’s talking about doing the same for the first half of 2021 as well, depending on how the rest of this year unfolds. Texas (and when I say Texas I mean the event organizers of these specific happenings that I am supposed to be at, but I don’t want to say their names because, well… sharing their names would give away the name of my employer and… I don’t want to do that) isn’t happy with him for doing that.

I wonder what it’s going to take before they give up the in-person components. They must be struggling for participants if they’re hounding us to come down there.

Overheard on Discord

In follow up to Story time: The office frat-boy, Axel has graced our company discord with another blog post about another date of his.

It’s like he doesn’t even realize there’s an ongoing pandemic with 500+ active cases still in our city. Well, that’s a lie, he does realize there’s a pandemic going on because his story included a lot of complaining about how hard it is to ‘read a girl’ when she’s wearing a mask. One thing’s for certain, though, the pandemic isn’t slowing down his dating life.

This time around Axel decided that a perfect first date was to take a girl to the mall to help him pick out new pants. Apparently he had a gift card, so it was a win/win because 1) He didn’t have to spend any money on the date and 2) He got to show off his manhood by trying on various pants in front of her and asking for her opinions on fit and style.

After buying the pants, he decided to take his date into Victoria’s Secret because he wanted to see what type of underwear/lingerie she gravitated towards. Apparently you can tell a lot about a woman based off what type of lingerie she looks at on a store shelf, on a first date.

His advice to guys everywhere… or at least the men in my office who might have read his blog post? Don’t take your dates to Victoria’s Secret. He says the walls are plastered with posters of complete knockouts wearing next to nothing and it made it difficult for him to focus on his date.

The date didn’t work out.

I can’t figure out as to why. (rolls eyes)

If you are a male, would you take a girl (on a first date) to browse (not even shop) for lingerie? If you are a female, what would your reaction be if a guy took you to look for lingerie on a first date?

I passed probation!

Oof. That sounds a tad nefarious.

I am no longer a probationary employee and my company. I’m legit. I’m official. They’re keeping me around.

I worried for nothing. I panicked for nothing. Well, it wasn’t for nothing. It was because the job means that much to me that I wanted to ensure I was getting my invitation to stay. The thought of being asked to leave was hard for me to grasp. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

On Monday I’m legit.

My boss jokingly said ‘Simmer down a little bit, why don’t ya? You’re making me look bad with your achievements…’ during the review. Hey, I’ll take it. I’ll take it in stride.

I can do this job and I can do it well.

Now that I know I’m legit, I’m staying and I have a pay cheque that I can count on twice a month, I really think it’s time to start a business. I love my job and what I get the opportunity to do, but I also want to have something that’s mine. Something that I can say I built. Something with low start-up costs and low overhead. I’ll figure it out one of these days. I just have to do it right.

I passed, baby.

I may or may not have celebrated by eating some frosting right out of the container. I’m a firm believer that you have to celebrate the small victories in life.

When panic attacks attack

I had a panic attack at the end of work today.

My three month probationary period review is on Thursday. It was supposed to be last week, but it got moved to this week, so I’ve had to carry that nervousness around with me for an extra seven days.

I’ve been very anxious about the review.

If I make it through this review without getting fired, I’ll have passed the probationary period, I’ll be an official employee with benefits and holiday time and get a work credit card and all that jazz.

But I keep telling myself ‘if’. ‘If’. ‘If’. It’s a word that can really eat away at you if you let it. And, for some reason, I’ve been letting it eat away at me since my review was rescheduled from last week to this week.

I’m worried.

What if they fire me?

What if they say ‘hasta la vista’ and they just don’t give a damn?

What if this all ends and comes crashing down around me as quickly as it started?

I’ve been doing really good with respect to my anxiety for the past two months. I’ve had very few major issues and, for the most part, when I get anxious, I’ve been able to be reasonable and calm myself down.

This afternoon I sent my boss a message on Microsoft Teams chat and they read it and didn’t respond. They didn’t respond and my mind just started racing.

‘What if I’ve failed?’

‘What if this all ends on Thursday?’

‘What if I’m fired?’

It didn’t take long before I was struggling to breathe and found myself curled up in a ball unsure of what to do. I’d like to think I’m calmer and a lot more collected than having a panic attack because my boss left me on read.

All that being said, perhaps if I survive Thursday then I will be.

Here’s to hoping they don’t fire me. Confident me says they won’t. Anxious me says that the worst case scenario is always possible, no matter how confident I am.

Aspirations and dreams and whatnot…

Lately I’ve been really thinking that now’s a good time to start a business. I’m blessed enough to have this job that I love, that pays me well, and you know… maybe I ought to use some of that money towards starting a project that belongs to me, a business that I make the rules for, that I have control over, and that can supplement my income.

I’m not used to this feeling. I’m still getting accustomed to the idea that my dreams are attainable. That the possibilities just might be endless. I’m still having a hard time believing I deserve the good things in my life and that, dare I say, I could achieve even more.

I realize that I’m extremely blessed to be in the situation that I am in now, and I’m very thankful for where I find myself. Last year me never saw things turning out this well. Hell, this year me didn’t see things turning out this well. Things aren’t perfect but I know that I am very blessed. Blessed and grateful. I wish I could go back and tell my sad, depressed, anxious past self that it was all going to be okay. And, now that things are okay, I want to do more. I want to start a business. A side-hustle. A je ne sais quoi, so to speak.And, now that I don’t have to sell my personal belongings in order to pay for necessities to survive, I want to take advantage of the present. After all, they say there’s no time like the present. And if not now then when?

What does this business look like? I don’t quite know yet. I’ve got some skills. I’m not totally useless. I somewhat don’t suck at marketing for when I do get said business off the ground. And I happen to have a business partner who specializes in sales of everything that is difficult and seems impossible.

Maybe this year could mark the birth of something great? Or maybe I won’t get around to starting anything? I certainly hope it’s not the latter. Presently seeking clarity where it presents itself, because there’s no time like the present.

Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday

I was probably thirteen years old when I finally learned there was a ‘dne’ in Wednesday. I always thought it was ‘Wensday’ and I was so stubborn, I refused to acknowledge anyone telling me that I was wrong.

Long story short, it’s Wednesday. Wednesday is off to a greeeeeeeat start.

My company’s network is down. I’ve got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. I’m frustrated that I can’t work at the moment. On the other hand, I’m grateful that I’m not a programmer, or IT right now. Because we’re a tech company, if our network is down, none of the customers have access to our products. Their phones are probably ringing like crazy. Me… I just get to sit here and patiently wait. I guess their are worse things in life than laying on the couch, devouring sugar and waiting for the network to reconnect on a Wednesday morning.