When panic attacks attack

I had a panic attack at the end of work today.

My three month probationary period review is on Thursday. It was supposed to be last week, but it got moved to this week, so I’ve had to carry that nervousness around with me for an extra seven days.

I’ve been very anxious about the review.

If I make it through this review without getting fired, I’ll have passed the probationary period, I’ll be an official employee with benefits and holiday time and get a work credit card and all that jazz.

But I keep telling myself ‘if’. ‘If’. ‘If’. It’s a word that can really eat away at you if you let it. And, for some reason, I’ve been letting it eat away at me since my review was rescheduled from last week to this week.

I’m worried.

What if they fire me?

What if they say ‘hasta la vista’ and they just don’t give a damn?

What if this all ends and comes crashing down around me as quickly as it started?

I’ve been doing really good with respect to my anxiety for the past two months. I’ve had very few major issues and, for the most part, when I get anxious, I’ve been able to be reasonable and calm myself down.

This afternoon I sent my boss a message on Microsoft Teams chat and they read it and didn’t respond. They didn’t respond and my mind just started racing.

‘What if I’ve failed?’

‘What if this all ends on Thursday?’

‘What if I’m fired?’

It didn’t take long before I was struggling to breathe and found myself curled up in a ball unsure of what to do. I’d like to think I’m calmer and a lot more collected than having a panic attack because my boss left me on read.

All that being said, perhaps if I survive Thursday then I will be.

Here’s to hoping they don’t fire me. Confident me says they won’t. Anxious me says that the worst case scenario is always possible, no matter how confident I am.

Aspirations and dreams and whatnot…

Lately I’ve been really thinking that now’s a good time to start a business. I’m blessed enough to have this job that I love, that pays me well, and you know… maybe I ought to use some of that money towards starting a project that belongs to me, a business that I make the rules for, that I have control over, and that can supplement my income.

I’m not used to this feeling. I’m still getting accustomed to the idea that my dreams are attainable. That the possibilities just might be endless. I’m still having a hard time believing I deserve the good things in my life and that, dare I say, I could achieve even more.

I realize that I’m extremely blessed to be in the situation that I am in now, and I’m very thankful for where I find myself. Last year me never saw things turning out this well. Hell, this year me didn’t see things turning out this well. Things aren’t perfect but I know that I am very blessed. Blessed and grateful. I wish I could go back and tell my sad, depressed, anxious past self that it was all going to be okay. And, now that things are okay, I want to do more. I want to start a business. A side-hustle. A je ne sais quoi, so to speak.And, now that I don’t have to sell my personal belongings in order to pay for necessities to survive, I want to take advantage of the present. After all, they say there’s no time like the present. And if not now then when?

What does this business look like? I don’t quite know yet. I’ve got some skills. I’m not totally useless. I somewhat don’t suck at marketing for when I do get said business off the ground. And I happen to have a business partner who specializes in sales of everything that is difficult and seems impossible.

Maybe this year could mark the birth of something great? Or maybe I won’t get around to starting anything? I certainly hope it’s not the latter. Presently seeking clarity where it presents itself, because there’s no time like the present.

Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday

I was probably thirteen years old when I finally learned there was a ‘dne’ in Wednesday. I always thought it was ‘Wensday’ and I was so stubborn, I refused to acknowledge anyone telling me that I was wrong.

Long story short, it’s Wednesday. Wednesday is off to a greeeeeeeat start.

My company’s network is down. I’ve got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. I’m frustrated that I can’t work at the moment. On the other hand, I’m grateful that I’m not a programmer, or IT right now. Because we’re a tech company, if our network is down, none of the customers have access to our products. Their phones are probably ringing like crazy. Me… I just get to sit here and patiently wait. I guess their are worse things in life than laying on the couch, devouring sugar and waiting for the network to reconnect on a Wednesday morning.

Welcome to corporate, kid

I went for a tour of my office on Thursday. I’d been putting it off for a while due to the fact that several of my coworkers and at least two of the building’s security guards tested positive for COVID. But, I was assured that professional cleaning and disinfecting was done and so I made arrangements with my boss to have a socially distant tour.

First stop on the tour? My office. That’s right, I have my own office.

It’s big. Real big. And it’s all mine. There’s a wrap-around desk, a wardrobe, cupboard storage and a table/seating area. There’s also a giant west-facing window with a view of the city skyline. Given that we’re on a high floor, I reckon the sunsets will be pretty spectacular as we head into fall and our staff actually goes back to working in the office.

It was a very surreal moment for me. I’ve never had an office before. In the decade I’ve been working, I’ve been had board-room tables, a reception desk, a desk-sized cubicle in the middle of the lobby. Never an office. Offices were always reserved for the men. And now, I have an office.I have four walls. A door. A cork board and a white board! It’s the small things but they mean so much. I wanted to cry when I sat down at my desk and spun around in my chair. I also wanted to take a bunch of pictures of every square inch of the office. Given that my boss was watching me, though, I chose to not do either.

The entire office is quite a maze. Lots of hallways, a maze of offices, a classroom for when we host professional development workshops (when there isn’t a global pandemic). There’s even a games room! A room with a pinball game and a Foosball table and a few other arcade games. The building even has a private gym for tenants… not that it’s open right now. But, it’s still a cool perk.

As I was leaving I told my boss that I was excited to get into my new office in September (COVID Permitting) and do a lot of great work in there. I said that I’d never had an office before and that I’d never worked in an office with this many amenities or luxuries before.

They smiled and said ‘Welcome to corporate, kid’.

It was a cool day for me. And, I guess I have a lot to look forward to (COVID permitting). I might like this corporate world after all…