Anxiety, hello old friend.

I’m anxious and I’m having a hard time dealing with it tonight.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night filled with plenty of thoughts I don’t want to be dealing with right now.

I wish I knew how to make this feeling go away. I wish life were more settled.

I should stop.

Summer Solstice is knocking at the door.

Today is day three of my week of positivity.

When it comes to life in Northern Canada, there are two really important days of the year: summer solstice (the longest day of the year) and winter solstice (the shortest day of the year). These days are how we measure seasons, they’re landmarks for the year.

Okay, let me go back to fourth grade geography for a hot minute. The earth rotates around the sun. During the winter months, the North Pole is tilted furthest from the sun making for days with minimal daylight (sun rises at 10 am and starts setting around 2 pm). During the summer months, the North Pole is tilted closest to the sun, making for some exceptionally long days where it seems as though the sun doesn’t fully disappear.

This time of year, here in the North, the sun rises around 3 am and sets around 11 pm. Summer solstice (the longest day of the year) is Friday, June 21. It’s summer’s way of knocking at the door and saying ‘I’m here! Come outside and enjoy life!’

This summer, I want to:

  • Get a full-time job (Preferably in Calgary, but I won’t be picky)
  • Go to Vancouver, at least once, to see my best friend and her babies
  • Hike the Ancient Forest
  • Meet my new niece or nephew (who should be arriving into this world any day now)
  • Get myself a new phone
  • Possibly invest in a camera so I can start taking photos of the beautiful places I see every day
  • Exercise at least five days of every week
  • Create a new Millennial Life Crisis design to make myself some new t-shirts

I’m putting my intentions for the summer in in writing. The process of writing your goals helps you clarify what you desire to do, understand the importance of pursuing them and commit yourself to making them happen. Goals have value only if they help you develop and improve your potential.

Summer is coming, and I’m trying to start it off on a happy note. This week of positivity has been one that hasn’t always been easy, but I’m holding onto the fact that I’m at least trying. The only way to accomplish a goal is to keep going and keep trying.

I will say, the world is a lot easier to see in a positive light when you get a good night’s sleep. Knight sent me another package of Fadeout, which is a supplement that I use to sleep. It’s the first sleep aid that I’ve ever used that genuinely helps me fall asleep and stay asleep. As someone who has always struggled with sleeping, this is HUGE for me.

Get a good night’s sleep! It’s so important. It regenerates your body, allows your skin to regenerate itself, helps you with symptoms of depression and anxiety, helps with your patience, allows you to be more alert and full of energy.

The importance of medical research, and, the doctors who do that research.

A few months back I wrote a post in which I explained that if I ever won the lottery, I’d donate a large sum of my winnings towards medical school tuition for prospective doctors. I also explained how my grandpa was the one who gave me the idea/outlook. (Click here to read the post)

Last night I read an article that, once again, reminded me the importance that doctors play in each of our lives. The article explains that researches at the University of British Columbia (UBC) believe they’ve found a means to reverse or eliminate Type 2 Diabetes. (The Arcticle)

The jist of the article is that researches at the UBC believe they’ve targeted a protein in sufferers of Type 2 Diabetes that they believe, if eliminated, can reverse or eliminate the the disease. This is huge news! Imagine the amount of people in this world that could benefit from this.

Research saves lives. Research considerably improves the lives of people living with medical conditions and research is vastly important to pushing the medical field, and the human race, forward. And doctors are so integral to this research.

Think of all of the diseases/conditions that exist. It puts my mind at ease to know that in a lab, somewhere in this world, there’s doctors working away trying to fix them, to reverse them or eliminate them. They’re researching ways to find cures. They’re researching ways to aid those who are suffering. Even if you’re not suffering, you know someone who is, and seeing that person you know and love be able to feel better, that’s worth a whole lot. Research helps everyone.

Just imagine a time in our lives when no one has to suffer from Type 2 Diabetes anymore. Or imagine, the doctors researching a reversal of Alzheimer’s finding success. Or any disease for that matter.

Doctors are so integral to the well being of our planet, and I hope that as more research comes out more people will start to realize that.

I wholeheartedly believe that no prospective doctor should ever be deterred from his/her dream due to the sheer cost of medical school/becoming a doctor, and I hope that one day I am able to help them as much as they help the rest of us.

My goal for this week.

It’s Monday and I’m setting an intention for the seven days ahead of me. My goal for this week is to be more positive.

I’ve been realizing lately that I use this blog as a means to vent. Which, I’m totally okay with. I’m a firm believer that life is messy and that sharing the negative pieces are just as important as sharing the positive. I’ve come to the realization though, that I need to share more of the positive. So, that’s my goal for this week.

I’m going to do everything that I can to be more positive. I want to think more positively and I want to look at the world in a better light.

Venting is healthy. It absolutely is. I vent a lot and I welcome other’s who vent as well, because I believe in being real. But in being real, I need to look at the world in a more positive light. It’s something I definitely struggle with, and since the good is out there, I need to make more of an effort to acknowledge it and appreciate it.

Self-esteem is a work in progress.

Lately I’ve been feeling as though my anxiety is a lot like an injury that tends to flare up when I don’t take care of myself. It’s a reminder to take consistent care of myself and to get the right kind of rest. Sometimes it’s absolutely necessary to put my metaphorical feet on the metaphorical couch.

Something that I struggle immensely with is low self-esteem. It’s something that I’ve always struggled with. For a lot of my life, I’ve put blame for that on other’s, but I’m learning through working with a therapist that I should be doing the work inside of myself to make myself feel better. It’s easy to feel anxious when you do not believe your worth is much.

Characteristics of low self-esteem:

  • Neglect to personal appearance
  • Poor eye contact
  • Dull eyes
  • Flat facial expressions
  • Drooped shoulders
  • Rare laughter or smiles
  • Neglect to personal health
  • Increased illness
  • Increased fatigue
  • Tendency to focus on others and wanting to fix them rather than their own self
  • Decreased energy
  • Decreased ambition
  • Decreased happiness
  • Decreased ability to cop with problems
  • Increased chance of addictive behaviours
  • Tendency to become involved in destructive relationships
  • Decreased ability to make and achieve goals
  • Decreased ability to stand up for yourself
  • Allows others to choose for you
  • Blaming others for problems

I don’t know about you, but I read and resonated with many of the things listed above.

The following questions are a part of the ‘Rosenberg Self-esteem Scale’. After reading the above characteristics, answer the following statements (strongly agree, agree, disagree or strongly disagree) with respect to yourself in relation to self-esteem:

  1. On a whole, I am satisfied with myself.
  2. At times, I think I am no good at all.
  3. I feel that I have a number of good qualities.
  4. I am able to do things as well as most other people.
  5. I feel I do not have much to be proud of.
  6. I certainly feel useless at times.
  7. I feel that I am a person of worth, at least on an equal plane with others.
  8. I wish I could have more respect for myself.
  9. All in all, I am inclined to feel that I am a failure.
  10. I take a positive attitude towards myself.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll notice that you can answer some of these in a positive light to your character whilst still believing very negatively of yourself.

Take one question from the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale and answer the following questions with respect to that one response:

Where did you form this belief of yourself?

__________________________________________________________

How long has this belief been with you?

__________________________________________________________

When do you notice this belief affects you most?

__________________________________________________________

Have you had experiences that challenge this belief?

__________________________________________________________

What is one thing you could do (one small step that you could take) towards changing this belief?

__________________________________________________________

Like all things in life, there is no quick fix. As much as I would like to snap my fingers and believe in myself wholeheartedly and fully, it’s going to take time. I know where my flaws lie, and I know that I need to value myself for. I don’t think I’m alone in that though. I think we could all value ourselves a little more.


I’ve been seeing a Psychiatrist in an effort to help control the massive amounts of anxiety I’ve been suffering from in 2019. My Psychiatrist provides a lot of homework for me to use as tools for self improvement. As I work on myself, I’m sharing the resources provided to me. Why? Spread the wealth, spread the health.

Your mental health and well being are the most important gifts that you can give to yourself. To anyone reading this, I encourage you to please look after yourself. Take from this post what you like and leave what you don’t.

Want to see more on mental health and self care? CLICK HERE

Eric Church – Kill a Word

I’ve got this theory. The theory is that there are two types of people in this world: music people and lyric people.

The lyric people, they tend to be more analytical in nature, pouring over every line to determine the true meaning behind a song, behind a moment and behind life. They interpret the hell out of everything that they do and all that happens to them.

Then there’s the music people. These are the people in this world who couldn’t care less about the lyrics, they simply like the song if it’s got a good beat to it, or if it’s music that matches their mood. They ‘go-with-the-flow’ and are more easily able to let things go when they need to.

Sometimes I think it might be easier to be a music person rather than a lyric person. But, since I’m obviously not, I’ll just say this… sometimes things have a way of finding you exactly when they need to. And for me, this often happens through song lyrics.

Here’s a song that’s meant a lot to me over the past couple of years, especially so on a day like today.

If I could kill a word and watch it die
I’d poison never, shoot goodbye
Beat regret when I felt I had the nerve
Yeah, I’d pound fear to a pile of sand
Choke lonely out with my bare hands
I’d hang hate so that it can’t be heard
If I could only kill a word

I’d take brokenness out back
And break heartbreak, stand there and laugh
Right in its face while shootin’ it the bird
I’d put upset down in its place
I’d squeeze the life out of disgrace
Lay over under six cold feet of dirt
If I could only kill a word

Give me sticks, give stones
Bend my body, break my bones
Use staff and rod to turn me black and blue
‘Cause you can’t unhear, you can’t unsay
But if were up to me to change
I’d turn lies and hate to love and truth
If I could only kill a word

I’d knock out temptation’s teeth
I’d sever evil, let it bleed
Then light up wicked, stand and watch it burn
I’d take vice and I’d take vile
And tie ’em up there with hostile
Hang ’em high and leave ’em for the birds
If I could only kill a word

So give me sticks, give stones
Bend my body, break my bones
Use staff and rod to turn me black and blue
‘Cause you can’t unhear, you can’t unsay
But if were up to me to change
I’d turn lies and hate to love and truth
If I could only kill a word
If I could only kill a word

Mental Health Resources from a Psychiatrist

One of the things that I’ve learned working with a Psychiatrist over the past two months is that if something is wrong, I am in charge of fixing it. I don’t just get to go into her office and say ‘fix me!’ I am responsible for fixing myself. If there were only one thing she couldn’t stress to me more during our sessions it’s that ‘You get out of therapy what you put into therapy. It’s called self-healing for a reason’.

My Psychiatrist provides a lot of ‘homework’. I get a lot of handouts to take home – paperwork to fill out, not for the purpose of being graded, but more for the purpose of self-reflection. What I’ve been thinking lately is that I should share these handouts and booklets provided to me. So, that’s what I’m going to start doing. I’m making an official ‘page’ for this on my blog, and I’ll be sharing the handouts that I get from my Psychiatrist.

FYI – I’ve told her about my blog and she’s all for me sharing these resources. Her response was ‘Hey, if it can help, spread the wealth for better health’.

In the first installment of this series, I am including a list of definitions. Definitions, while they may seem like a straightforward subject, are important to read and differentiate. Often times when we think of our mental health, each of these different definitions can mesh together into one big jumbled mess. This, in a sense, can contribute to confusion and panic within our minds. So, clear definitions are integral to understanding one’s self and mental health.

Self – A person’s self is the sum of all he/she can call their own. The self includes, among other things, a system of ideas, attitudes, values and commitments. The self is a person’s total subjective environment. It is the distinctive centre of experience and significance. The self constitutes a person’s inner world as distinguished from the outer world consisting of all other people and things.

Self Concept – The mental imagine one has of oneself. A person’s opinion of himself/herself. Self concept is a mental picture that represents a person’s opinion of himself/herself. That mental picture has three aspects to it: appearance, performance and status.

Appearance: How do I look? It’s important because it is something we consider every day. Compliments or criticism affects this part of our self concept and relates to how we view our bodies, dress and personal grooming.

Performance: How am I doing? It relates to how we view our abilities, our skills, our knowledge and our sense of responsibility.

Status: How important am I? We all desire to feel respected and admired by others. It relates to how we view our importance among people (family name, wealth, education, position or social rating)

These three aspects came from how we feel rated by others. We develop our self concept by stepping back and looking at the picture of ourselves. Our memories that have accumulated mostly in childhood when we are impressionable, form the network for the tapestry of our self concept.

Self Respect – Regard for one’s own standing or position. The degree of honour one shows oneself. Values that you judge yourself by. The degree to which you meet the standards you have for yourself, give you your sense of self respect.

Self Confidence – Belief in oneself and in one’s powers and abilities. That which allows us to make choices, to think, to judge, to know and come to decisions. Confidence is built by the successes we experience in life. Small successes built upon smaller successes, lead to a graduated building of confidence. It is important to remember these small successes and forget the failures. We tend to remember the failures and destroy our self confidence by putting ourselves down with them.

Self Acceptance – Being satisfied with one’s attitude and qualities while being aware of one’s limitations and potentials.

Acknowledgement that this is who I am, what I was born with and what I look like. Accepting what I can’t change, change what I can and do what I have to do to be the best that is within me.

Self Esteem – A confidence and satisfaction in oneself. Personal comepetence and personal worth. Self esteem = Self confidence + Self respect. A person with high self esteem is fundamentally satisfied with the type of person they are yet they may acknowledge their faults while hoping to overcome them.

Self Efficacy – People’s beliefs about their capabilities to produce designated levels of performance that exercise influence over events that affect their lives.

Do your definitions match, or differ from what’s listed? Are you surprised at any of these definitions? Also, what aspects of yourself fit into each of these definitions? Reflection as to how these definitions are represented within you can help to clarifying where your issues lie and where your growth is needed.