Happy Thanksgiving

More than anything this year, I’m thankful for people. The people who’ve kept our society going, the people who’ve proved to the world that the essential nature of someone’s job does not necessarily correlate with how much they are paid to do said job.

I’m extremely thankful for healthcare workers. Doctors, Nurses, Therapists, EMTs, Dentists, Surgeons, Counselors… every single health care worker who’s continued to do their work to look out for the health and well being of the general public through this weird, unprecedented time… in a lot of ways putting themselves in harms way to do so.

I’m thankful for bosses who were able to coordinate their employees working from home. I’m thankful for employees who turned into full time teachers and finally realized just how not easy it is to be a teacher. I’m thankful for a government that leapt into action to ensure that people had programs and funding options available if they needed it, even though they knew some could/would likely take advantage of the system. They knew that looking after the many was far more important than worrying about the few in the heat of the moment.

I’m thankful to my parent’s neighbours who continuously brought them food and necessities to try and make them stay home so that they didn’t have to go out and put themselves at risk. With my mom being in remission and my dad having surgery in February, the neighbours did all that they could to try and ensure my parents would stay put and stay healthy.

I’m thankful to the anonymous donor who gave $20,000 to a local women’s shelter about two months back and asked that it be used to pay for the expenses of as many families living there as it could. Whoever they are, wherever they are, that’s some serious generosity to give to a family in the middle of a crisis of their own in the middle of this pandemic.

I’m thankful to the oodles and oodles of people who read this blog and give me pep talks, send me kind words, leave me motivational notes or just reach out to see if I am okay. I think on some level everyone wants to know they’ll be missed if they were suddenly not to show up. The fact that so many people reach out to me, even if it’s just two or three days that I don’t sign on here, it’s a very nice feeling. So thank you to all of you.

I’m thankful for family and friends. Oh, my friends. They’ve heard me cry, they’ve helped me through some of the hardest times of my life the past year and a half and they never backed away once. I’ve got really incredible friends and I don’t tell them that near often enough.

I’m thankful to the person who gave me the dozen rainbow roses currently sitting in my kitchen windowsill. I’m thankful to the person who so generously, without question, paid my cell phone and credit card bills in February and March when I was so broke I didn’t know where to turn. I’m thankful to person who drove through the night to help me move, so that I didn’t have to do it alone. Some things, small gestures or large, they’ll stay with you forever.

I’m thankful to those who wear masks, who keep their distance, who say no to attending parties, weddings, vacations and who understand that precautionary measures are not about you, they’re about everyone. While the selfish might be one’s making the headlines on the news each night, there’s been a whole lot of selflessness this year that hasn’t been talked about. I see you, I appreciate you and I admire you. Thank you for what you’ve done.

In spite of all of the bad that has happened this year, there’s also been a lot of good as well. I’m going to have a new niece or nephew soon. I’ve got a new job, something that’s challenged me in ways I never thought possible. I’ve got a new home, a new car, a new life essentially. And hey, I may not have done much more than stay home the past eight months, but it’s been one hell of a ride.

It’s October 12th and it’s snowing.

Happy Thanksgiving, world.

Seeking your input

So, this weekend is Thanksgiving here in Canada. While I know it’s been a really difficult year for pretty much everyone on the planet, there is still good in this world. There is still a lot of things to be thankful for. As I sit here and compile a list of all that I am thankful for in 2020, for Monday, I am wondering… what are you thankful for in 2020?

(Yes, I know it’s not Thanksgiving around the world this weekend. But, I just want to hear what you’re thankful for. So come on, give a girl some insights!)

I’m rambling again.

Just because there are some things that I am unhappy about does not mean there isn’t good in my life. Just because there are some things that I am insecure about does not mean that I don’t like myself. Just because I have doubts does not mean that I don’t have certainties. Just because I’m an idiot when it comes to some things doesn’t mean that I’m an idiot when it comes to all things.

It’s okay to not have all of the answers. It’s okay if you don’t have a clear path. I don’t care what people say about trying not being good enough. Trying beats the hell out of being stagnant in life.

It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to screw up. What’s not okay is refusing to learn lessons from those times in life that seem so damn bad, you don’t ever know how you’re going to recover. Acknowledging your missteps and learning from them is literally the first step towards recovering, carving a new path and ensuring you don’t fuck up the same way twice.

Often times we treat these situations in life as though they’re rules. Rules we cannot break. We cannot possibly be insecure, unsure, uneasy or unhappy because if we’re any of these things it means we’re not secure, sure, easy-going or happy. That’s simply not the case. The world isn’t black and white. There are so many shades of grey and being able to understand that will bring a lot of peace, I promise you.

Don’t let people tell you how to feel, your feelings are warranted. Don’t let people tell you who to be or what to believe. You are who you are for a reason. That doesn’t mean that who you are is who you always have to be. Human beings are a work in progress and it’s well within you to change, if you want to. If you don’t, though… be proud of who you are. Flaws and all. Uncertainties and all. Insecurities and all. Uneasiness and all. No one else in this world is you.

Overheard on Discord

Employee 1: Anyone with cats – how do you stop them from meowing for attention? My cat is driving me nuts lately

Employee 2: Give them away.

Employee 3: Give them unending attention. Problem solved. You’re welcome.

Employee 4: If you feed them well, take care of their litter, and shower them with affection, they’ll die in 15 – 20 years. Just wait it out, buddy.

Employee 5: We found that getting a dog and having babies both bothered and entertained the cat. You could test that out?

Employee 4: Yeah, I agree. You should get Employee 5’s dog and kids.

Employee 5: You want to borrow my dog and kids for a few days, weeks, months or years to test the theory?

Employee 6: My cat is perfectly happy sitting next to me all day. All I had to do was get him his own laptop so he could feel as though he was a part of the team.

Employee 7: Yeah, there’s a reason why you guys always see my cat’s ass on video chat. Needy shit-head won’t leave me alone. Wait it out, buddy. You should be good in 15-20 years like Employee 4 said.

This conversation actually went on for a solid two hours this morning. The conclusion saw my coworker giving his cat their own laptop. He said the cat got quiet when it had its own keyboard to lay across. Maybe it just felt like it was missing out?

Can’t say that I’ve ever had a cat as a pet before, but I was laughing pretty hard reading this conversation. You definitely have to be a patient soul to own a cat. hahaha!

Hey, it’s Tuesday

Have I made it back to the doctor yet? No.

But, I’m not beating myself up for that fact. I will get there. In the mean time I have taken steps to help minimize my stressors/triggers. I spoke with my boss and am working-from-home for the remainder of the week. Thankfully, I am blessed to be working a company that both allows, and makes it possible, for employees to work from home.

Being around people was making me anxious. My boss was very understanding. When I really stopped to think about it, 100% of my productivity working from home beats 50% of my productivity working from the office because I cannot function because I am so anxious about everyone around.

It’s not a permanent solution. But, for now, I’m taking things day-by-day.

I also took the advice of multiple people who sent me notes both here and on Instagram and I tried meditation last night. While I cannot say that it did anything for me last night, it was my first time ever trying meditation on my own, so I am going to give it more attempts.

I also have not watched the news in two days. I am hoping that helps me not get so stressed about the events of the world. While I do believe it’s important to be informed, it just feels as though the constant influx of ‘holy shitballs’ stories night after night has definitely been getting to me.

Tonight I’m working on another site. I’m also trying to build a store that’s not really a store (it needs to look, appear and feel like an online store without actually using a platform such as shopify as I don’t need the payment platform). I’m considering making some new #MillennialLifeCrisis shirts for my birthday, and I probably should eat dinner and sleep somewhere in there.

What’s everyone else up to these days? I’d love to hear some good news, if there is any out there to be heard. If you’re Canadian, how are you safely taking part in the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday?

Anxious still

After about a month of absolutely debilitating anxiety that has kept me from, well… everything…. I finally worked up the courage today to go to the doctor and seek some help.

This wasn’t an easy step for me to take for many reasons, one of which being that, even with doctor’s offices being very careful with respect to COVID, the idea of being in a small waiting room with someone who was potentially ill made me very anxious. Nevertheless, I did it.

When I got to the doctor I learned that maximum capacity had already been met for the day and they could not take any more patients because they would not be able to see any more patients before closing. Their waiting room was full and with the amount of people who were in there already, they were likely going to be there late.

While I completely understand the situation, I left feeling really defeated. It’d taken me so long to work up the courage to go and admit to my anxiety and when I got there, I was turned away.

The woman whom I spoke with at the clinic told me that I could come back during the week. I just, I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to work up the nerve to go for a second time.

I know that I have to do something. I was just hoping that everything would’ve worked out the way I wanted it to. Being anxious is not important enough means for me to be in the emergency room. So, I think I just need to muster the strength to get back there at some point this week.

The last time that I saw a doctor about my anxiety, they provided me a referral for a therapist. Attending those appointments actually helped me considerably at the time. I wasn’t able to continue because the referral that I was given was only for a certain number of appointments. While that therapist is in another province, I still somehow wish I could just go back and see her. She understood me.

Right now my anxiety is so bad that hypotheticals of hypotheticals of hypotheticals are keeping me from sleeping. Ex: My landlord works for a company that was talked about on the news this past week because they announced massive COVID related layoffs. Immediately I was hit with a fear that he’s getting laid off and because he’s getting laid off he’s going to sell his house because he needs they money and when he sells his house then I’ll be without residence and needing a place to land, in the middle of the winter.

Why is my mind trailing so far down these rabbit holes and why can’t I stop it?

I have to stop watching the news.

I have to do something.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I think I can do this. I think I can get back to the Doctor this week.

I hope I can.

Absolutely disgusting

What happened to Joyce Echaquan is disgusting, disgraceful and the absolute epitome of everything that is wrong with Canadian culture right now. Those who say that racism isn’t an issue in Canada, what rock are you living under?

Story here >

No one. No one on this earth deserves to be treated the way she was treated. The fact that she ended up losing her life because of it fills me with rage and makes my heart break for her family. Racism is real and it’s a real problem in this country. People need to open their eyes.

And those hospital staffers should be charged for what happened to her. Not just fired, but charged.

Tinfoil Theories

I’m wearing a tinfoil hat as I share this.

I just finished watching a YouTube video in which the individual posed the thought that perhaps Trump ‘tested positive’ as a means to deflect the national and international outrage he’s been suffering since the debate for not being willing to denounce white supremacists.

Checking into the hospital under the guise of having COVID gets him 1) Sympathy from the masses (even if you don’t like him, you don’t want to se him sick) and 2) An excuse. An excuse for whatever the fuck he wants.

I’m not saying that it’s true. It’s just a theory I heard on YouTube. But, when I stop to think about it, it’s really not that far fetched.

Feeling lucky.

Some people in this world, they’re just meant to be a part of your life. They make things better. They make things make sense. They make things fall into place. They give you reasons to smile and they remind you what it is like to smile and not have it be forced.

Some people in this world, you could genuinely sit around with them and watch paint dry and it would be enjoyable. It’s the simple things.

If you’ve got good people in your life, make sure you let them know. Even if you’ve told them before. Good people deserve to know how appreciated they are. How much they matter. And that, despite all of the crap there might be in this world, their goodness does prevail.