Wow. Okay.

My mom’s been in a bit of a bad mood for the past few months. In general she’s always been more of a bubbly person in nature, but when she received her diagnosis late last year, it was almost as though a darkness came out in her.

It’s definitely been something that my family has been trying hard to deal with, and to understand. I mean, I’ve never battled cancer but I’d like to think that if I had to, people would allow me to feel exactly how I wanted. So, for that reason, we’ve kind of just… let her be.

I’ve noticed though, that the times in which she crosses the line seem to be happening more and more as of late. And I’m put in this horrible position of trying to put her in her place, or letting it go, knowing what she’s just said or done is completely not okay but she’s battling cancer and it’s taking it’s toll on her.

This morning my brother, Aaron, called to ask her if she and my dad would come to his baby shower. His girlfriend is expecting their first child and her due date is in late June. Instead of just saying ‘Aaron, I am unable to come’, her response was ‘I’m not going to a baby shower before the baby is born because I don’t even know if that baby is going to live or not’.

Harsh, right?

Little bit.

My brother is about to become a dad for the first time in his life, I think of all of the things that are running through his head at this point in time, the last thing he needs to be worrying about is miscarriage. Especially this late in the pregnancy.

And don’t get me wrong. I understand that miscarriages happen. I do. And I understand that they still happen late in pregnancy. I get that. I just don’t think it’s appropriate to put that thought in the mind of a first-time-father. He shouldn’t have to be worrying about whether or not his baby is going to survive. There’s enough for him to be worried about right now.

I just really wish she hadn’t said that. Aaron is someone that I know personally has suffered from anxiety in his life and I worry now that he’s going to anxiously worry about this for the rest of his girlfriend’s pregnancy. I worry that he’s going to keep that thought in the back of his mind as he patiently awaits the birth of his first child – something that really didn’t need to be there and really shouldn’t be there.

We all understand that miscarriages happen. That doesn’t mean that you need to fill that thought in first-time-parent’s heads as they get ready to have their baby.

The whole situation has completely dumbfounded me. Why would she do this? When I talked to her when she got off the phone, my mother’s response was ‘I had two miscarriages, so it’s time they wake up and smell the realities of life.’ I really don’t think she understands at all what she just said.

All he wanted to do was invite her to a baby shower.

Perhaps I’m wrong, perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything to her. Perhaps I just should ignore the entire situation completely. I’m just of the belief that there are some things that, especially for an anxious mind, do you know good to be thinking about until they happen, if they even happen at all. Miscarriages are a very real reality for pregnant women, I get that, but I also think there’s a certain amount of decorum one should show with respect to the subject.

I tried calling Aaron after I spoke to my mom. I think he’s just pissed off and stewing right now. All he said was ‘It’s fine. She just needs to focus on getting better, I guess’. Clearly he’s taken the route of just ignoring that it happened. Or trying to ignore that it happened, at least.

Sunday’s are for:

I love Sunday’s. Sunday’s are my day. Sunday’s are a day for sleeping in, a day for adventure, a day for chasing sunsets, a day for getting my nails done, a day for unequivocally being completely myself in every way possible.

I don’t have to answer to anyone, I don’t have to do anything unless I choose. If I work, it’s because I want to. If I don’t it’s because I want to. It’s a day for love and lust and taking the last drink in the fridge and the first burger off the barbecue.

Sunday’s are a day for the lost souls, for the wandering souls and for the sweet souls. It’s a day where anything can happen, and it’s equally as incredible a time if nothing happens at all. Sunday’s don’t judge, they simply accept you for who and what you are and allow you to do as you please.

I wish every day could be Sunday. I wish there were more time for adventure, more time for confidence building and more time for the moments I’ll never forget.

Sunday’s are my day. The best day.

Here’s to Sunday’s. May the adventures take us farther than our little hearts could ever dream of.

What is home?

Have you ever felt as though you just don’t seem to belong anywhere? My whole life I’ve always carried around this feeling that I just don’t fit, that something isn’t right, that I don’t belong.

I have this great-big family, filled with all sorts of different characters and personalities. When I say ‘great-big’, I really mean it. I have four siblings, my parents each have 6 and 7 siblings, I’ve got something like 45 cousins at this point. There’s family everywhere. And amongst all of the different personalities and characters that exist within my family, I’ve never really fit.

I’ve tried. Don’t get me wrong, I have really, genuinely, completely made an effort. I just don’t think they understand me. I don’t think they want to understand me.

When I graduated from University, I made myself a promise that I was going to do things for myself for a change. Instead of putting my family first, I was going to put myself first. And I did that. For many years. I liked it. And though I never really felt like I found home during that time, I was content with the understanding that I was living life for me.

Lately I’ve been coming to the realization that home is where the heart is. Whether it be a dingy, overpacked hotel room, a dusty old apartment, or the basement bedroom someone else’s home, if that is where your heart is, that is where your home is.

I can say for certain that my heart is definitely not in this room right now. Nor do I think it will ever be.

I got in a disagreement with my mother today. Which makes sense. We’ve been around each other for 24 hours, so it was bound to happen eventually. I just… as much as I know she has the best of intentions, she’s never really taken the time to get to know me. So we butt heads quite frequently. I’m trying to be sensitive to what she’s going through, but, it’s hard. It’s so hard. And that almost makes me feel worse. I just feel as though I can’t win. She has this expectation that I’m going to be the doting daughter, and I’m not that. I’m not that at all and I never have been. The more I continue to fail at being that, the more I’ll disappoint her and myself in the process.

My heart isn’t here. My heart doesn’t want to be here.

And, as I begin this total reinvention of ones’ self, I can’t help but think that I’m doing this all wrong. Why am I here? I left my heart in a million pieces along the way and I’m scrambling to figure out where to go next or what to do.

I love my mom dearly. She’s an incredible woman and a warrior. I love my whole family dearly. I do. But I don’t belong here. And I know the longer that I stay here the more that it’s going to eat away at my soul. I want to go home. And that’s so sad because I don’t even know what home is anymore.

On starting over at 30

12:03 p.m.

I feel sick.

2:18 p.m.

I still can’t do it.

5:00 p.m.

Text message from my mom: “Just remember you’re worth. Don’t you ever forget that.”

8:57 p.m.

Wow.

Okay.

Where do I start? Words are escaping me at the moment. Everything is escaping me at the moment. The life that I thought I knew, the plans that I thought I had, they fell through my fingertips faster than granules of sand on the California Coast.

I can’t do this right now. I’ll take this up later.

12:57 a.m.

It’s crazy to me, the fact that the people you love most in this world have the capability to hurt you the most.

Perhaps I’m just too trusting. Perhaps I put my faith where I shouldn’t have.

3:29 a.m.

Holy fucking hell. (Please excuse my language. Nothing else seems a worthy description of the present state of my brain)

4:45 a.m.

Still awake.

6:30 a.m.

That alarm came a lot earlier than I wanted it to.

7:30 a.m.

Okay, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to spit this out.

3:38 p.m.

A song came on radio just now and I burst out into tears.

“They say “Love is more precious than gold”
Can’t be bought and it can’t be sold
I got love enough to spare
That makes me a millionaire”

Chris Stapleton

10:30 p.m.

The past 48 hours of my life have been exceptionally trying. This whole year, through everything that has happened, I’ve not once thought of myself as a loser, until today. I had an awakening today. I am a loser. I am. And I think it’s time that I start facing the very real reality that has become my life in 2019. I don’t say this in a self-deprecating way, or in a way that wants pity. I’m just trying to be real with myself.

I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m questioning everything that I’ve ever done, especially that in the past two days. I had plans. I had a future. I had everything I ever wanted and it slipped through my fingers in the blink of an eye.

I don’t want to be here… in this place. Both literally and metaphorically. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened. I love you. I will always love you. I hope that you’re able to find some peace.

How did I get to this place? I did everything right. Every fucking thing. I got the degree. I chased the career. I was a nice person. I tried to be a good person. We all have flaws, but somehow, I don’t know, perhaps I was a serial killer in my past life.

So where am I at?

The reality with my life right now is that I have no plan, no job, no home. I am 30 years old and I am a loser. Two weeks ago I was the one in the cab telling a complete stranger that it’s never too late to start over, and now I’m realizing that perhaps I should have been telling myself that all along.

I need to start over. I know that. I need a Plan B. Actually, I think at this point I’m probably running on Plan F? Motivation, Vee. You’re responsible for motivating yourself from now on.It’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting your shit together.

I never thought I’d be in this place in my life, but I’m sure that’s what everyone says right before they start over. So, I’m going to revert back to a quote I shared with a cab driver two weeks ago:

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Here’s to starting over. I’m 30 years old and I need to make a new life. I’m scared.

On ‘being a good person’.

Of all the things he hasn’t accomplished in his presidency, Donald Trump has most definitely been successful in emboldening hatred, bigotry and misogyny around the world. In my mind, he is the prime and shining example of school-yard bullying at the highest powers of society and the fact that he’s so well known has, in some way, given a voice hatred spewers world-wide.

If you like Donald Trump and you think he’s a good president, that’s your opinion and you’re allowed to believe that. I don’t like him. I don’t like what he stands for. I don’t like what he represents, and most of all, I really don’t like that he’s made it acceptable in 2019 to be a horrible person and have it be socially acceptable.

I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t.

The world that my mom and dad grew up in, the world that my grandparents grew up in, it had a lot of problems. There were a lot of things going on that I thought we’d already passed and left behind us. I’m not saying we don’t have our own problems now, I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be revisiting the past.

Hate is not okay. Bullying is not okay. Bigotry is not okay. Misogyny is not okay. Sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, all not okay.

I know that it was naive of me to assume to, but I liked to think that all children in this world are raised with manners, and taught tolerance, acceptance and respect. Sadly, 2019 has been teaching me that that is really not the case.

The thing is, no one is born evil. No one is born to hate. That’s why I think it’s so important to teach people when they’re children. Trying to teach adults is a whole different ball game. That being said, it saddens me that so many people in this world are raised being taught to hate and bully.

I consider myself to be a good person. Or at least I try to be. I’m nice to everyone I meet, I use my manners – hold open doors, etc… I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, whether their opinions agree with mine or not. I just wish that everyone would try to do the same, to be the same.

What do you get out of bullying someone? Honestly. What do you get out of treating someone as though they’re less than you? Does it make one happy? I can’t imagine that it makes someone fulfilled. Donald Trump (sorry to use him as an example again, but really) doesn’t seem all that happy, or fulfilled. And, considering I question whether or not he actually has any money, he doesn’t seem like he has much of anything beyond a lot of hatred.

I just want to encourage everyone to be nice. Just be nice. Treat your friends well, treat strangers with kindness. Have hope for the people you don’t know and have understanding for the people you do know. Try to understand the human condition and that we all have good and we all suffer from time to time – some a lot worse than others. Just because we don’t know what someone is going through doesn’t mean that we cannot help.

Kindness is so important. Manners cost nothing. Be a good person. Please.

Of all the legacies you can leave in this world, please try to be a good person. That might be the most important of all.

On ‘playing the cards you’re dealt’.

I whine a lot to the internet. I do. I’ll admit that.

I am so incredibly grateful that it’s finally spring time in Canada.

When I started this blog I had grandiose plans of making it a fun and interesting place to come write about fun activities I was doing and posting restaurant reviews, perhaps even a lot of travel. And I still want to do all of those things. But I also believe in being real. Where I’m at in my life right now isn’t a fun place to be. And I’m not going to hide that and pretend it isn’t the case. I’m trying, though. I would like that stipulation known. I am really, genuinely trying. Sometimes the cards just suck and you have to get ready for the next hand and the next chapter in life.

The thing about wordpress is that, in spite of being a place filled with strangers, somehow it allows me to feel less alone in this universe.

I have trouble sleeping most nights. In spite of reading every sleep-help suggestion I can find and trying all of them, I still struggle to sleep. And though I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone, it does make me feel a little bit better to know that I’m not alone in this issue.

Things appear to be looking up. And, though I’m trying to not get my hopes up too high, I am feeling cautiously optimistic. I don’t want to talk too much about what’s going on because if it doesn’t happen, I don’t want to have to explain why. But, if it does happen, it’ll be a good step forward for me, and for us.

Derrick, the aforementioned lunatic who lives upstairs, has continued his streak of manipulation and idiocy. There’s nothing new about that. In the two months that I’ve known him he’s tried to ‘get with’ three women – none of which were available, all of which were either in a relationship or fresh out of one, and each of which I have heard him lie to on several occasions. I’m sorry, if you need to lie to spend time with someone, you’re doing it wrong.

I have an appointment with the ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) Specialist on Thursday. I’ve done the Autoimmune blood testing now and it came back negative. I’ve also done the allergy testing – which was a huge waste of my time (story for another day). I’m not sure what’s going to come from the appointment on Thursday but hopefully he’s got some new ideas of what might be able to help me. I really just want to feel healthy again.

I’m still looking for a job. I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog the stupid things I’ve run into in the job hunting process. It’s been a frustrating ordeal. Education, experience and common sense don’t appear to be worth too much these days.

Things in 2019 have sucked, so far. That’s not to say there hasn’t been good. There definitely has been good and I am not trying to minimize that. Knight has been a rock. The man is basically the only thing keeping me from losing my mind. As a whole though, this year (so far) has been a bit of a write off for me. I’m ready for some change, I’m ready to move onward and upward.

Don’t settle. That’s something I have to tell myself every day. Don’t settle. You’re worth so much more than you believe. Try and stay in the positive. Onward and upward. #MotivationMonday

Why you should travel more and buy less.

I wholeheartedly believe there is a distinct difference between travelling and being a tourist. Tourism is a commercial product. I liken it to that of holding a movie pass. You’re experiencing something different without ever actually leaving your comfort zone. It’s safe. It’s easy. Travelling, on the other hand, has a lot more to do with exploring and immersing yourself into a time, place and culture that you don’t understand. Travelling is a mindset that you want to be as much a part of your destination as it is a part of you.

Big cities might be filled with tourists, while travellers are those who follow the less beaten paths of this globe. The rewards might be great in either category, depending on what you’re looking for, but I happen to be a firm believer in travel over tourism. If you’re going to take the time and money to go somewhere – truly go there. Immerse yourself in the adventure.

  1. Step outside of your comfort zone. Travelling allows one to leave order and conformity and move towards the unknown. Pushing yourself out of that comfort zone can teach you just how far into the unknown you’re willing to go and just what potential you might be capable of.
  2. Escape your routines. Use travel as a tool to beak your behavioural patterns that keep you in the ‘daily grind’. Travel can provide that much needed escape from the world you hold so dear, but need a break from every now and again to avoid burnout. Scheduling your travels gives you something to look forward too and allows you to know when your next break is coming, when your next escape is waiting.
  3. It’s a free education. The last thing that you want to do is travel with the belief that you know everything. You’ll be shocked by your own ignorance. There’s too much to this world that you don’t know and haven’t learned yet. Travelling gives you an opportunity for that education that a classroom can’t teach and it also shows you just how much you don’t know.
  4. You’re exposed to new ideas and beliefs. While people often fear what they don’t know, or don’t understand, travelling puts you into situations where you’re forced to see these circumstances firsthand, witnessing that which can forever change you from there on out.
  5. The more you explore, the more you realize how complex human life is. And it’s hard to acknowledge that so few people will get to experience/know that within their lifetime.
  6. It increases your problem solving skills. It can be easy at home to go about your day in the same monotonous way as you’ve done over and over before. Drop yourself in a new location in a part of the world and you’ll be faced with a need to solve problems you’ve never faced in your daily grind. Reading a map in a foreign language is a problem that you’re going to have to learn to solve.
  7. Experiences come with expiration dates. This one is important. Who you are right here and now is not who you will be after you get married or have children or go through other changes in your life. The way that you experience a country/place/destination right now won’t always be the same. Someone who’s just out of highschool, backpacking through Europe will experience it in a completely different way than a retired couple. That’s not to say you won’t enjoy a trip when you’re a retired couple with your spouse, that’s just to say – are you really ready to give up on the experiences you could be having right now for the one day? For the some day?

Honestly, I’d take experiences over new shoes any day. I’m a firm believer in the statement ‘Collect Moments, not things’. Furthermore, moments and memories are the only form of wealth you can gain that give yourself that doesn’t diminish in time.

There’s so much more to travel than seeing a landmark or taking a selfie in front of a monument. Don’t get me wrong – those moments are pretty great too. Everyone needs a selfie in front of the Eiffel Tower. But, for me, the importance of travel is about who you become when you go to a place, the person that you get to be and the person you transform into based on the situations you’re immersed in.

There’s really, genuinely important reasons for you to squander away your extra money. There’s a whole world out there to see. And yes, there are some material things in life that are important for you to purchase. But I guess, the point of this ramble from me is that there are so many important reasons to start putting that money aside and to be saving it for your next adventure.