Today’s a real zinger. A short, simple and relevant quote left by the CEO.
“If you don’t make time for your wellness you will be forced to make time for your illness.”
Let that sink in.
From time to time I have been sharing stories of things seen on my company discord.
If you missed the first posts, you should check them out!
I’m looking for a second job. I need something to keep me busy. The way I figure it, if I can make myself busier, I’ll have less time to think. If I have less time to think, I’ll have less time to be anxious. At least that’s the train of though I’m presently following.
Plus it would mean extra money. Extra money is always a good thing, right?
Christmas is coming.
I need some new glasses.
I need some new work shoes.
Extra money could come in handy for all of those things.
The problem with finding a second job is trying to find one that has minimal interaction. There’s all kinds of jobs available around here that involve a lot of interacting with the public. While I greatly admire everyone who’s been working those jobs for the past seven months through this pandemic, I just don’t think I can be one of them. I need to keep my interactions with people minimal right now, for my own peace of mind. If the point of working a second job is to keep myself from being anxious, I don’t want to put myself in a position to make myself more anxious.
Right now I’m thinking a delivery driver would be a good job for me. That or finding someone who is willing to pay me to work from my couch. I know, I know, I know… a girl can dream, though. Perhaps if I hope for it long enough, I can dream it into fruition.
It really scares me.
I should be happy. Why am I not happy?
On paper everything sounds perfect. In reality, I cannot shake this anxious pit in my stomach.
I hate being truthful about it because I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I know how lucky I am. Anxiety is not logical, though. There doesn’t need to be a reason or a rhyme. Sometimes you just have to deal with the quakes as they come.
Went back to the office today. I’m proud to say that I only had one panic attack the entire day. With how anxious I’ve been feeling about being in the office and being around my coworkers, only freaking out once is a huge deal for me.
The CEO left a Costco Size bottle of hand sanitizer, a set of face masks and a large container of disinfectant wipes on everyone’s desk for when we arrive. Normally I am not a fan of single use products, but I think under the circumstance it was a nice gesture for him to provide and I will make use of them. After all, my aversion to single-use products is far less important than keeping the office clean and disinfected.
It’s weird… being around people right now. I want to be nice, I want to be kind. I want to shake the hands of someone I’ve never met. I can’t. I fear people. And I don’t mean that in a way to make me sound weak, or sad, or pathetic… I say that to say the closer I get to people, the closer I get to germs.
I just got out of the shower. Needless to say, I needed to do that before I could do anything else when I walked in the door. There’s about enough time left in the day to have some dinner and decompress. I need to get ready to face the world again tomorrow.
I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that feeling.
There was a shooting (and subsequent car crash) near here last night. You know what helps an anxious mind fall asleep? It’s definitely not hearing gunshots and a car crash after dark when you’re in a house alone at night.
Two people were killed and one is in hospital. While the police have said the shooting was targeted, that doesn’t make it any less scary. People act as though guns aren’t an issue in Canada… I disagree. People being shot within hearing distance of me is not cool…. targeted or not.
I slept until 1:30 pm today.
My mind has been plagued with so many worries for the past week that it’s been difficult to fall asleep, and when I finally do fall asleep, it’s been increasingly difficult to wake up and actually get up.
Hiding from the world seems ideal. The world can’t hurt me if I’m hiding in my room.
So, let’s start:
My office is opening on Monday. Two of my coworkers tested positive for Corona Virus yesterday. They weren’t in the office, but, it does serve as a reminder to me that I have no control over how safe, or not safe, my coworkers are being with their interactions. I’ll admit, I’m terrified that I’m going to go into that office and it’s going to take no time before I’m sick.
Not only that but stupid thoughts are plaguing my mind. How do I share the coffee maker? Should I buy a cooler style lunch bag so that I don’t have to share the fridge with people? Not sharing the fridge will keep me out of the lunch room and further away from people. Is it weird to be afraid of your coworkers? The city is still in triple digits for positive cases being reported daily.
Kids are also going back to school next week. Since our Premier is determined to share literal propaganda about this virus and how people contract it, I’m ultimately concerned that social distancing is going to fall by the waist side and cases are going to shoot right back up. And at that time, is my office going to stay open? Will my office close again? What’s the future look like in a world that is anything but certain?
In September I’ll also be attending a memorial service for my uncle who passed away earlier this year. Technically speaking we’re still not supposed to be holding gathering’s here. Rather than a memorial service at a Funeral Home or inside a large room somewhere, we’re going to be having it on a beach. Even being on the beach, I’m still nervous about it. I’m trying to arrange getting a Corona Virus test before going but I’ve learned that I cannot get a guaranteed return period for results. The memorial service is on a Saturday, and if I get a test on a Friday, I cannot get a guarantee that I’d have the results for Saturday. It’s making me nervous because, while I don’t intend on getting too close to anyone, I honestly would never forgive myself if I were the reason for one of my family members getting sick. For that reason, I want the test. So I have to figure out what day to get the test for guaranteed return of results.
Speaking of going to a memorial service, I’m basically not allowed to return to work for two weeks following. The week following the memorial service there are two crucial virtual events that I’m supposed to be prepping our company for. Doing that from home is going to be difficult. I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve been working from home since May so it shouldn’t be that much harder. It’s just going to involve me having to hire people to do some things at the office that I can’t do.
I’m also worried about money. I’m always worried about money. That doesn’t seem to go away for me. I think that’s something that largely effects the majority of the human race, so I am trying to remind myself to not let that get the better of me. It’s been plaguing me since childhood so it’s really nothing new.
Am I overreacting? I’m certain that I am. Anxiety is not logical, though. Anxiety has never been logical. I’m just worried. And the worries don’t seem to lessen no matter what I do. So I don’t see myself leaving my bed any time soon.
Somebody’s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas get their fast
Never stop to think ‘what’s in it for me?’ or ‘it’s way too far.’
They just show on up with their big old heart
I don’t know how I got so lucky. Last night, in my anxious ridden moments of weakness, panic and sadness, you showed up. The support you presented, support that you gave me, it’s support that people could only ever dream of finding in their lifetime and I have it in stride. I feel like the luckiest girl in the whole world. And, you know, I also feel like I don’t deserve it, but I am thankful. So thankful. Last night meant the world to me, and I want you to know that.
*Reference: https://millenniallifecrisis.org/2020/08/18/when-panic-attacks-attack/
I had a panic attack at the end of work today.
My three month probationary period review is on Thursday. It was supposed to be last week, but it got moved to this week, so I’ve had to carry that nervousness around with me for an extra seven days.
I’ve been very anxious about the review.
If I make it through this review without getting fired, I’ll have passed the probationary period, I’ll be an official employee with benefits and holiday time and get a work credit card and all that jazz.
But I keep telling myself ‘if’. ‘If’. ‘If’. It’s a word that can really eat away at you if you let it. And, for some reason, I’ve been letting it eat away at me since my review was rescheduled from last week to this week.
I’m worried.
What if they fire me?
What if they say ‘hasta la vista’ and they just don’t give a damn?
What if this all ends and comes crashing down around me as quickly as it started?
I’ve been doing really good with respect to my anxiety for the past two months. I’ve had very few major issues and, for the most part, when I get anxious, I’ve been able to be reasonable and calm myself down.
This afternoon I sent my boss a message on Microsoft Teams chat and they read it and didn’t respond. They didn’t respond and my mind just started racing.
‘What if I’ve failed?’
‘What if this all ends on Thursday?’
‘What if I’m fired?’
It didn’t take long before I was struggling to breathe and found myself curled up in a ball unsure of what to do. I’d like to think I’m calmer and a lot more collected than having a panic attack because my boss left me on read.
All that being said, perhaps if I survive Thursday then I will be.
Here’s to hoping they don’t fire me. Confident me says they won’t. Anxious me says that the worst case scenario is always possible, no matter how confident I am.
Debt scares me.
When I was a kid my family did not have a lot of money. Often we barely had enough to get by. My parents always made sure that we had food to eat., but I do remember instances where I was wearing my shoes until they had holes in them, and then continuing to wear them past that point. I do remember my siblings and I having to go out on our bikes to the nearby recreation centres and ball parks to look for cans so that we could collect enough money to hopefully put five dollars worth of gas in the vehicle so my father could get to work. I do remember a few times when the collection of cans did not provide enough and my dad actually hitch-hiked to work.
Debt scares me. I don’t ever want to go back to that place.
Now that I’m an adult, I am really good at living within my means. I’m really good at not getting something unless I absolutely need it. I’m really good at going without. I know the difference between needs and wants and I know how to stretch a dollar. I’m very careful with what I purchase. I’m very careful with how I choose to live because debt scares me.
I want a plan.
I want to know that everything is going to be okay. I want safety and security in a world that can provide anything but.
Do you ever write an entire post for your blog, read it and feel as though you come across as whining and subsequently delete everything that you just wrote? No? Just me?
