Worries and such.

I had a dizzy spell yesterday. I lost peripheral vision for a short period and it was so bad that I was too scared to drive anywhere. I didn’t want to worry anyone so I told my family that I was going to call my best friend so that they wouldn’t bug me while they thought I was on the phone and I ended up staying in bed for several hours because of it. I actually fell down the stairs as I was heading to my room, which really scared me. My anxious mind wandered a lot of places and my rational mind told me I should just sleep it off.

I fell down the seedy dark corners of trying to diagnose myself using google and found nothing good.

The one good thing I did find is that you can get blurred peripheral vision from severe sinus pressure and head pressure. I’ve been battling a nasty sinus infection and, because if it, woke up with a pretty horrendous headache yesterday.

I’m chalking it up to that, for now.

It went away after I laid in the dark for a while.

I do not need to diagnose myself on google anymore. If anything else happens, a doctor can tell me what’s wrong with me.

I got the blues.

This is not directed towards anyone in particular (more like a handful of people in my life), this is just a culmination of thoughts I’m having as I reflect on the week that has passed.

To be totally honest, I just don’t know how to talk, or motion, my way out of this funk. I’m unhappy. Immensely unhappy. I know why I’m unhappy and there’s quite literally nothing that I can do to fix it. Not a fucking thing. This dark cloud has decided that it’s going to sit above my head for the time being and, from what I can tell nothing will dissipate the shit storm that it’s brought with it.

I’m tired of people telling me to just be happy, or just smile, or just let it go, or just go for a walk. Someone left a comment on here the other day that said ‘Perhaps if you went for a walk once in a while, rather than blogging, you’d be happier’. You want to piss me off in a real hurry? Explain away mental illness by implying that if someone exercised it would just go away.

I do walk. Every fucking day. Even when it’s -30 degrees Celsius (-22 Fahrenheit). I walk. I run. I routinely get 20,000 steps on my smartwatch. I also listen to calming music. I try stay away from stressful situations. I try to get adequate sleep. I take my vitamins, every single day. I try to nourish my body with the food that I’m putting into it. I try to do everything that possibly I can to minimize the effects of truly debilitating anxiety. And I still have it. Go figure!

So now what? Go for another walk? Will that fix it?

I’ve had a lot of things making me angry/unhappy this week and I’ve just been trying to keep my head afloat. I’m trying to do for others and occupy my mind, but some nights, like tonight (clearly), my thoughts just get the better of me. So, let me state this explicitly for anyone who does not understand…

Mental illness is not something that can be swept away with a brisk walk in the park. Mental illness is not something that people want, choose or ask for, and it’s most definitely not something they can control. Yes, you can take certain measures that help you cope. But that doesn’t fix things. That doesn’t make someone better, and it certainly doesn’t make the issue disappear.

If all of someone’s problems can be fixed by going for a walk, or smiling or just being happy, that’s not mental illness, that’s just a bad fucking day. So the next time you want to say something ignorant to someone who is suffering, don’t. Educate yourself. Ask yourself ‘will this really help them or am I just believing what I want to believe because I don’t know any better?’

I didn’t ask for this anxiety. I don’t want this anxiety. I certainly wish I cold be normal and happy-go-lucky and always see the brighter side but that’s not real. I need to be me.

Am I kind of a bummer sometimes? Yeah. I try my absolute best to not let it get the better of me but sometimes it does. Sometimes I just need to vent and let it out. I guess that’s what this is, because people have been pissing me off this week and I just need a break, a holiday and maybe a beer.

Oh mother

Today my mother told me that I’m way too focused on being sad all the time and if I put half as much effort into being happy, I would just be happy.

‘How do I do that?’ I asked her.

‘I don’t know. You just be happy. It’s easy.’ She said.

I try not to fault her too much because she really doesn’t understand mental health issues whatsoever. She’s never dealt with them so she doesn’t know that they’re very real and very difficult to overcome. And, if you’ve never dealt with them before, I can understand why it would be hard to grasp the complexities of it.

The thing is, though, it’s not as simple as she makes it out to be.

I can’t just think happy thoughts and become happy.

I can’t just be happy.

I’m not trying to be miserable. I’m not trying to be sad. I’m not trying to feel anxious. I’m not going out of my way to make any of this my reality. And I think when people stereotype it as a choice, that’s what makes it harder for people to talk about their mental health.

I want to laugh because something’s funny, not because I feel a social obligation too based on the people that I am around. I want to smile without having to think about it, without having to force it, because of the people that I am around. I want to just ‘be happy’ as she says.

But, if I don’t face these issues that I have, these internal struggles that plague my mind, I fear that they’ll plague me for the rest of my life. If I just grin and pretend they’re not there, they’re never going to go away. They’ll be there… probably forever.

Mental illness is a difficult subject for people to talk about. If someone breaks their leg, people can see it. They can see the physical injury and understand that person must be in pain because of said injury and they provide well wishes, support and hope to said person with broken leg that will invariably help them with their recovery. But, you can’t see an anxious mind. You can’t see a depressed soul. You can’t see a distraught heart. And if you’ve never felt something that you can’t see, this is, I think, where people struggle with helping those who suffer from mental illness.

You’d never tell someone to ‘just walk it off’ if they had a broken leg. So why are so many people so quick to say ‘Just be happy’ to someone who struggles with anxiety, or depression or bi-polar, or any of the other mental illnesses. Because they can’t see it, so they don’t understand it.

Talking helps. Sometimes it really can. If you feel safe and are able to open up to someone, sometimes talking can really benefit your situation. There are people who, though they’ve never been through it, do all that they can to try to understand.

But then there are people who won’t ever understand. Because this is the kind of thing that, unless you go through it yourself, is difficult to grasp.

To everyone in this world suffering in silence, I’m with you. I understand. To everyone being told to ‘just walk it off’ or ‘just be happy’, I know that life doesn’t work that way. Please, take the proper time and resources that you need to find yourself healing. Because, just like a broken leg, you need time to cope and to heal.

I’m wishing you peace, and for family/friends that understand. But, even if they don’t, I’m wishing you time to cope, to deal and to heal. Because everyone needs that – whether your hurt is physical (and visible) or not.

Anxiety is

Anxiety is waking up with a fear that something is wrong, without having talked to anyone or seen the world outside of your bedroom. There need not be proof, or even an explanation, that fear that something is wrong always takes over.

Anxiety is jumping to the worst case scenario without reason, rhyme or hesitation because you can’t do anything but. It’s second nature. Actually, it’s first nature. It’s what you do, no matter how hard you try to break the habit.

Anxiety is being worried that you’re going to say the wrong thing to someone who really doesn’t care one way or another.

Anxiety is needing to check one, or two, or maybe even three more times to make sure that you locked the door when you leave.

Anxiety is trying to deescalate the angry customer at the register ahead of you because, while nothing is likely to go wrong, there’s always that ‘what if’ running through the back of your mind.

Anxiety is not wanting to answer the phone if it’s not in your recognized callers list because… how did they get my phone number?

Anxiety is wanting to go, getting ready to go, but not allowing yourself to step foot out that door.

Anxiety is staying quiet, biting your tongue and keeping out of the discussion or argument because… people will think you’re an idiot if they hear your opinions. They likely won’t, but you think they will and that’s enough to keep your mouth shut.

Anxiety is laying awake at night because this isn’t done and that isn’t done, she hasn’t called and he hasn’t checked in, something isn’t right and while you just can’t quite put your finger on it, you know that you don’t get to.

Anxiety is not believing you’re good enough for them, to be around them or to be loved by them. It really doesn’t matter if you actually are, you’ll never feel good enough.

Anxiety is pretending to be self-deprecating so people don’t think you’re quite as insulting towards yourself as you are.

Anxiety is not being able to explain it to them because, you know it’s irrational, so how could they possible understand?

Anxiety is believing in your heart of hearts that the stranger three tables away, who glanced at you for three seconds, is judging you. Whether it’s your appearance, your mannerisms or your clothing, or ANYTHING else, they’re just judging you.

Anxiety is believing the worst in people because it’s better to believe the worst in people and be prepared than to believe the best and be disappointed, heartbroken or hurt physically, mentally or emotionally.

Anxiety is so hard to explain. It’s… debilitating, frustrating, all encompassing, difficult to see past, through or around. The fight or flight, the constant sense of fear, it’s different for everyone, and I think that’s why people have such a hard time trying to understand. You can’t wish it away, you can only learn to cope. And hopefully, if you’re lucky, if you’re really, truly luck, someone in your life will bear with you and try to help/ease your mind.

Feeling… down.

Some days I’m able to cope with my anxiety and some days it’s as though my internal organs are on steroids and I can’t shake the feeling of fear inside of me no matter what I do.

Today is one of those days in which I can’t fight the fear. I can’t minimize that sinking feeling inside of me that something is wrong, that something is out of my control and that something in this world is either already awry, or going awry any moment here. Basically I’m waiting for the proverbial shit to hit the proverbial fan.

I haven’t left my room much at all. I took my mom to the doctor. Other than that, I’ve been… hiding, almost, I guess you could say. This isn’t quite the fortress of solitude, but on days like today when I’m feeling this anxious, it seems to be the closest thing I can get.

I’m worried about… everyone, whilst simultaneously worrying about none of them because I know they’re fine. I know that it’s my mind playing tricks on me. I know that nothing is wrong, that everyone’s happy, or at the very least, comfortably neutral.

I’m not sure how to shake this. I’d give anything to feel calm. To feel like there’s a plan. To feel like things are falling into place.

Or at the very least, can the shit hit the fan already? At least if I know what’s going wrong I can face that head on…

How to survive the holidays with anxiety.

The holidays are coming, and if you’re anything like me that means there is a lot of stress headed your direction. While holidays are touted as ‘splendid times’ for love and family and genuine feel good moments we’ll always remember, they can often come with a great deal of anxiety, judgment and arguments.

I’ve been worried about this. Mainly because I don’t want to come across as negative. But the truth is, for a lot of us, holidays aren’t a positive time. And I think that’s okay. You know, I’m not going to hide from that fact. I want to be open about it because I feel as though, when we try to hide those feelings, that’s when the holidays get harder.

I’ve teamed up with Stacy from Quirky, Confused and Curvy and we’re both sharing our top tips for making it through the holiday’s when you’re struggling with mental illness. For reference, I suffer from debilitating anxiety, so these tips come to you from the perspective of a very anxious soul. Without further ado, here goes:

Holiday’s aren’t about you, they’re about your family. It might sound shitty, but it’s true. Don’t worry about your own happiness, make sure that your mom is happy, make sure that your siblings are happy, and make sure that grandma and grandpa and the neighbours and your friends are all happy. Whomever is coming over, show off your biggest smile and your heartiest laugh. If someone says something mean, change the subject. If someone says something racist, change the subject. You can call them out another day. Kill them with your kindness on this holiday and let them remember the good moments. Because, at the end of the day, as a human race we’re very quick to forget the bad and remember the good. If you focus on ensuring that your family has good memories of the holiday, if your family and friends have the good moments to look back on, then it was a successful holiday. And if you’re lucky, you can go back to your peace and quiet, free from the judgments the very next day.
Remember that these days are only a handful of days per year. Something that I often struggle with is feeling like the holidays are never going to end. Truth be told, in the grand scheme of things, the holidays are just a few short days out of the entire year. The dinners, the mingling, the ugly sweaters, you can make it through, and you will. Though the odds may be forever in your family’s favour, you can and will get through this. Think of the upcoming holiday season like the big meals you’re about to eat. You get through them slowly, little by little, bite by bite. Make each Christmas party, gift exchange, festive activity a small bite for you to take out of the holiday season. Looking at these things through the view of a small, completely conquerable event, will make it easier for you to do. And if it’s something that’s hard for you to do – if you suffer from social anxiety like I do – or if you just struggle being around certain family members, taking the holidays in small bites will help your well-being vastly.

One extra piece of advice that I have is to control what you can, accept what you can’t and stop freaking out about your life. The calmer you can keep yourself, the better your holiday season will be. So remember your peaceful thoughts, your calming gestures and to note bite at an argument, no matter how enticing it might be.

Holidays aren’t always perfect. But I’ve learned that if you focus more on others than you do on yourself, it very much helps you get through without the debilitating anxiety that so frequently comes with.

P.S. I’m Canadian, and Thanksgiving has already passed here. I can attest that if you’re an anxious soul, sticking to these tips will help A LOT. Also, as a Canadian the extra ‘u’ in a few words are, in fact, meant to be there.

This post was done in collaboration with Stacy Alderman from the blog Quirky, Confused and Curvy. Stacy is one of the first friends that I made on WordPress and she’s been with me since the beginning of my blogging journey. She’s brilliant, she’s authentic and she has a lot to give this world.

To view her tips, please click here >

Consider subscribing to her blog while you’re there!

Okay, universe

I know I’ve said this before, but I’m ready. I’m ready for a sign, a symbol, an opportunity, a reason, an anything. I’m ready for things to change. I’m ready for things to get better. I’m trying so hard to make things better. Please, if there was ever a time, the time is now.

I need to know that something is going to fall into place, that something this year is actually going to work out. I need to know that the hard work isn’t for nothing. I need to know that I’m not wasting my efforts. I just need to know, universe, that things are going to be okay.

Please universe, send up a smoke signal. Anything. Anything at all.