You are worthy, beautiful and capable. You can and will defeat your demons and you will move those mountains that have been holding you back. So care.
Care about life. Care about everything and everyone and stop telling yourself to not. Most importantly, care about yourself.
Give a damn. Make sure that you know that you matter. Look after yourself. Believe in yourself. Say good things about yourself. Why? Because maybe if you hear it enough, you’ll stop doubting it. Wouldn’t it be nice to stop second-guessing yourself? Yeah, it would. So start reminding yourself of how fucking amazing you are. No more self-deprecation and no more negativity, just positivity and light.
Only you have the capability to see yourself through this darkness. While others can contribute to your happiness in small ways, no one can rescue from this sadness, anxiousness and despair but you. And trust me when I say this, you’re more than capable of rescuing yourself. So do it.
Take those small steps, E-V-E-R-Y DAY. Celebrate those small victories when they come. Your confidence depends on it. Take advantage of help when given to you because… god damn, pushing people away hasn’t ever gotten you anywhere. And exercise. Exercise every day. Because if you want to take care of your mind, you need to take care of your whole body. Rescue yourself.
You have the power within you to make serious changes in your life. Stop fighting the things you cannot control and conquer the things you can. I know you’ve got the power, you know you’ve got the power, so don’t let those voices in your head win.
Take care of yourself, please. You’re too valuable not to.
It’s nearly 11 PM on the West Coast and I’ve been thinking about hitting ‘Publish’ on this post all day. Here goes…
10 whole months that I’ve been pouring my heart out to the internet. 10 whole months that I’ve questioned everything that I’ve written and posted it anyways. 10 whole months that I’ve spent meeting and talking to some of the most incredible souls I’ve ever crossed paths with. 10 months of learning – new facts, new perspectives, new understandings. It’s been one hell of a time, if I do say so.
I made this blog on a whim, with the encouragement of Knight. I wanted a place to rant about the things going on in my life and boy did this platform give me the opportunity to do that and then some.
As much as nothing has changed in the past ten months, everything has changed. I think of the sad shell of a human being that I was ten months ago, I look at myself in the mirror and see the resilient fighter I am today and I’m thankful for what I am becoming. I have a much better grasp on my anxiety (though I still struggle, I can control it a lot better) and I have much more of an understanding of who I am and who is important to me.
Why is ten months an important landmark to me? Because I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished in the past ten months. I’m proud of what this blog has become. I’m profoundly appreciative of the people I’ve met and the stories you’ve shared with me. I talk a lot about my appreciation for the WordPress platform because I wholeheartedly believe this blog has given a great boost to my confidence in the past ten months.
To those of you who’ve been along for the ride since the very beginning, thank you. I love you. And to those of you who’ve only recently found this blog, thank you. I owe you.
Ten months. I’m humbled. I’m grateful. I’m thankful.
To celebrate ten months of WordPress, here are ten facts about me:
I am female. (I am including this because there seems to be some confusion lately… with some people thinking that I am a man)
I have blue eyes and blonde hair and was consistently referred to as Barbie for the first thirteen years of my life because people told me that I looked like a little doll.
I will turn 31 next month, and even with all that has gone on in the past year, I will still say that my 30s have been infinitely better than my 20s thus far.
When editing someone else’s work, I can pick out spelling and grammar mistakes within seconds of reading it. When editing my own work, I can read it five times over and still not notice where I’ve made my errors. And there are always errors.
Recently, Geneva posed a suggestion to me that I consider writing an EBook. I haven’t admitted it out loud, but I am genuinely considering doing it, using it as a means to give out my marketing advice for free by having a company sponsor it. It’s all just a thought at this point in time, but I can’t get it out of my head since Geneva planted the seed.
I have a scar shaped like a Lightning Bolt on my thumb that my friend’s have referred to as proof of my being related to Harry Potter.
One of my most memorable moments was standing with Team Canada as they were presented their gold medals
One of my proudest moments was the day one of my heroes complimented me on my intelligence and told met that I was going to change the world one day.
As a whole, I do not believe that you ever fall out of love with someone. I simply believe that two people can understand they’re not meant to be together and that’s why they divorce. I do believe that love you feel for someone will always stay with you.
I like to eat raw onions. (Yeah, I had to end with this one)
Switching gears from my ‘worst of unemployment’ lists, I wanted to talk about the positives that have come with unemployment. Because the pendulum still does swing, and there is still good in this world, no matter how sad I might get sometimes.
Unemployment sucks, but here are a few reasons why it has is bonuses:
Getting rid of that soul-sucking boss. Honestly, my last boss was a misogynistic overgrown frat-boy who ran an office like it was a locker-room and treated women as though the only thing we brought to the table were short skirts and an ability to fetch coffee. He didn’t think that I was qualified to fill my roll, didn’t believe that I deserved the position and made it open in the office that he really didn’t like me. Leaving him behind was an incredible gift for my psyche.
Getting rid of that soul-sucking office. My last office was the equivalent of a men’s locker room. Women were rated based on their looks, told to wear short skirts to meetings and treated as though we brought no value to the office and it was ‘a gift’ they were even letting us live in the presence of the men who worked there. Time after time after time I really didn’t want to go to work. The job itself wasn’t bad, but the people – they were so… awful. They were the type of people who made me not want to get out of bed in the morning. The type of people who would take credit for my work and then publicly (and I mean in the newspaper) shame me if something didn’t get done on time. Leaving them behind took a big burden off my shoulders and my heart. And I can honestly say, there isn’t a soul in that office that I miss.
Being able to take more time for myself. Prior to unemployment all that I did was work. All the time. Monday through Friday I was at the office from 8:30 to 6:30, sometimes 7:30 or 8:30. I worked most weekends and I never really did anything for fun. Since being unemployed, I’ve been able to do the things I’ve always wanted to do that I never got a day off for. I’ve been to the Ice Magic Festival at Lake Louise, done the air bubbles walk of Abraham Lake, hiked the largest ancient inland rainforest on earth, spent some time in Niagara Falls and Toronto, taken more than 10,000 miles worth of roadtrips and so much more that I haven’t even shared on his blog. And you know what? It’s been a dream come true.
Helping my family. As much as I like to rag on my family for the things they do to frustrate me, I’m also really grateful that I’ve had the opportunity to help them this year. Let me tell you, driving someone to the cancer clinic every day, cleaning up puke in the middle of the night, is hard for any person to face. I commend my dad for looking after my mom to the extent that he did because he really stepped up and did an incredible job, but I’m also grateful that I was able to be here and to help. Because when it’s family, you do what you can do.
It’s allowed me more time to write. To create. To build this blog. To take credit for my own writing. To say what I want to say. I know that it sounds counter-intuitive, claiming that I get credit for my writing on a blog that’s nearly anonymous (I say nearly because three people now know who I am). When I was working, I was writing all of the time for my job. I was writing things that my boss would take credit for, I was writing things that people from other companies would take credit for. I was specifically supposed to write things as though they sounded like they were coming from other people and not me. On the off chance that I did get credit for an article that I put together, I was reprimanded for not giving the article to my boss before sending it out. Here, I can say what I want, when I want. I may not have a face on this blog, but I have a person. And I value the person I get to be here… spelling mistakes in all.
It builds your strength and resilience. Rejection after rejection after rejection sucks. It sucks so hard I often break down in tears because I just don’t know what else to do. I will say though, no matter how many rejections I’ve had this year, I’ve always kept trying and I have always kept going. When it seems like it’s the easiest thing in the world to just give up, I won’t. I’m not going to give up. I’m reminded that I have the strength to get through this and I will damn well get the life I want and deserve. I know this now more than ever. Even on my bad days a piece of me still knows this deep down.
There are pros and cons to everything in this life. And for me, its a consistent fault of mine that I’m not always able to see the good. Today, though, today I wanted to remind myself of what good has come from this.
Anyone who’s been unemployed for any length of time knows what it’s like to feel as though you don’t have a voice, a value or a place in this world. They understand what it’s like working hard to find work and ‘playing the game’ of the potential employer, to no avail, just waiting for your day in the sun.
Unemployment sucks and here are a few reasons why:
Being told you’re living easy. This one annoys the crap out of me. People think that if you’re not going to work each day, you’re not contributing, you bring no value to this world or their lives so all you’re doing is sitting on the couch watching Netflix. And since all you’re doing is sitting on the couch watching Netflix all day, you must not have any real problems and thus your life is inherently more easy than those with jobs. It’s a shitty assumption people make.
When people ask you what you do for a living. Do you tell the truth and deal with the awkward conversation that will follow? Do you lie and pretend that you do something you do not as a means to save face? Either way, it’s going to be awkward.
Being unemployed plays a contributing factor in many health concerns. Unemployment can lead to depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and other mental-health issues that affect every aspect of your life… and there’s really nothing you can do about it, especially if you truly want a job and it doesn’t seem to be happening, no matter how hard you try. It can cause serious tension, stress and strain on the body.
Being an adult is so much more enjoyable when you have money. It’s true. And when you’re not making bank, or you’re struggling to make bank through side hustle after side hustle after side hustle, sometimes it just feels like it’s all you can do to keep the side hustle. You’re not enjoying life, you’re just trying to stay afloat and stop the feeling of drowning.
Rejection emails. I’m talking about the finely-tuned art of an automated response that somehow manages to very succinctly, professionally, and somehow brutally, crush your hopes and dreams with the kind of disengaged effort that is, by true dictionary standards, effortless. You’re reminded of just how little they care about you (and all job hunters) and just how far removed we’ve come from basic human interaction… because it’s all automated, no-response email addresses these days.
No response from a company whatsoever. I’ve noticed a distinct trend on Indeed and LinkedIn in which, if the company doesn’t find a resume they like, they’ll simply delete the job posting and repost it to present day so that it appears at the top of the list of most recent listings. You don’t get a response as to why you’re not being considered, you don’t get to know why you’re not good enough and you don’t get an email to ask them WTF! I’ve seen postings appear 5 or 6 times over the past few months.
You become so used to rejection that you begin to expect it in other areas of your life as well. This plays a lot to do with the low self-esteem mentioned above. Picture this – you meet a man or a woman in the bar and you really hit it off. After swapping phone numbers you head home for the evening and then you’re hit with it… the doubt you have about yourself. The fear of rejection and the bracing of yourself for when you don’t hear from said person ever again. It’s a serious mind-fuck that allows you to start to believe you’re not worthy of people, places or things, let alone the job that started the whole avalanche.
Trying to talk about it with people is a struggle. When you’re stressed it helps immensely to talk about it with someone. When you’re unemployed, you’re heavily stressed out. Trying to talk about this with anyone isn’t really an option though because they either don’t understand because they’ve never been through it, or they just don’t give a damn because, if it’s not their problem, they don’t want to hear about it.
You feel guilty about actually treating yourself. There’s a notion carried in society that if you’re unemployed you should not be enjoying yourself and you should not do something for yourself or have fun of any sort. So, if you do take the chance to do something for yourself to try and boost your self-esteem or make yourself happy, even if just for a few hours, you inevitably end up feeling guilty for doing such action because… you’re unemployed, and thus should not be spending your money on what is deemed frivolous things.
Receiving unsolicited advice. Because when you’re unemployed everyone has an opinion about what you should do and everyone wants to share their opinions with you. The fact of the matter is, with the exception of a very few close people, no one truly knows what you’re going through, what you’ve done or what you’re presently trying to do to find work. Unsolicited advice often come with the assumption that you’re just not trying, that you just don’t care and that you just aren’t capable. Rather than taking the time to ask and learn, invest in you to ensure their help is worthwhile, they just take their assumptions and start throwing opinions your direction. These opinions aren’t helpful and can often add a lot more stress to your days.
Being too good for some jobs is a fucking joke. I have a Bachelor’s Degree and ten year’s of industry experience… and I have had to ‘dumb-down’ my resume to even get retail places to take me seriously. I’ve been turned down from Wal-Mart, MacDonalds, Burger King, and so on and so forth, because they believe if they hire me, I’ll leave right away. Because of this I’m in an awkward stage in which career positions don’t seem to consider me a viable candidate and retail positions consider me not a worthy investment and thus, I can’t even get a job as a cashier. Life happens. Sometimes people have to deviate from the plan, you would think that potential employers would be understanding of that fact. But no. I dumbed down my resume, took my education and experience off of it, applied to be a cashier at a local grocery store. When I went to the interview I thought it was going great and the store manager loved me! Within two hours of leaving the interview I had a rejection email in my inbox. I can’t even pretend to be dumb to get a job it seems.
People assuming you want to be unemployed. If you’re unemployed for a certain length of time, people genuinely assume that you just don’t want a job.
Jumping through ridiculous hoops to try and find a job in 2019. Companies are asking for ten references, for you to record 15 minute videos of yourselves to submit for them to review with your resume, asking you to fill out application questionnaires that can often take upwards of an hour per application, to take aptitude after aptitude test that prove nothing more than an ability for deductive reasoning. NONE of what they are doing in this time involves having an actual conversation with you.
Because I have a lot of them. And I’m a firm believer that, in this life, if you own who you are (both the good and the bad) that is how you lead a fulfilled life. Being self-aware is also a means to get better.
When I talk about my faults, I don’t do it to be self-deprecating. I don’t do it for pity, or for people to feel sorry for me. I do it because I have a keen understanding of who I am and I do not believe that you can work past your faults or through your struggles if you do not own them. And I want to bet a better person.
I get angry easily. In life, in traffic, in line at the grocery store… and it’s not always easy for me to let it go.
I have a hard time forgiving. And I never forget. Things tend to haunt me, rather than me being able to move on.
I’m cranky sometimes. Actually, if you talked to any of my exes, they’d probably tell you it’s more than sometimes.
I’m a bit of a pushover. I have a hard time standing up for myself. A lot of the time I just say it’s not worth it, and as a result, people tend to treat me like shit. Which is probably a big contributor to my low self-esteem.
I swear far too much. Sometimes I can help it and sometimes I cannot. But either way, I’m aware of how often I swear. And I get really angry at myself when I do it front of kids.
I’m insecure about a lot of things. My intelligence, my appearance, my ability… to name a couple of things.
I like things to be my way. And I don’t always handle it well if I don’t get my way. Again, my exes could probably attest to this.
I let my social anxiety keep me from experiencing the things in life I dream of doing.
I don’t trust. But I am also too trusting at the same time.
I shop too much. I think that things will fulfill me when I know that’s not the case. But alas, here I am with all of these things that don’t bring me the happiness I am looking for. And, in the grand scheme of things, I don’t have all that much. Knowing that almost makes me more sad.
I use the faults and the hardships of others to boost my own confidence. And that makes me a shitty fucking person.
Growth. while it has always been something I’ve sought, is something that’s become more important to me this year than ever before. I want to be better. I want to work through my faults to become a better person – the best person that I can be.
My inherent flaws have become abundantly clear to me to the point that I can no longer avoid them.
I need to be better. Perhaps if I tell more people about it, I’ll be more inclined to make changes in my life to actually be better and not just talk about it…
I was watching a tv-show earlier in which the characters were sharing confessions with one another. And, for some reason, I felt like sharing mine. Are these that interesting? Likely not. But, I’ve got a lot on my mind tonight so I thought I’d write them all down and let some of it out of my head. I may not leave these up. I’m not too sure.I’m just trying to declutter my mind right now…
I’m an emotional eater. When I get sad, I go for the junk food. When I’m lonely, I go for the junk food. When I’m indifferent, I go for the junk food. When I’m happy, bring out the cake! I hide food in my room so that I can eat when I get emotional. I know it’s not good for me. I absolutely know that. I have no excuses.
I didn’t leave my house at all yesterday. I didn’t even step out the door to go to the mailbox. I do this a lot. Sometimes I feel like I am not worthy of being around people, so I will just keep to myself as though the rest of the world doesn’t exist.
I once witnessed someone get hit upside the head (by a drug dealer) with a baseball bat and subsequently fall into the hot tub he was standing in front of. I was so scared, I didn’t know what to do. The Drug Dealer was screaming to leave him in there (the guy he just hit with the bat), and honestly, if it weren’t for one person who jumped into action, he probably would have drowned in there because we were all so scared that if we moved to help, he’d hit us with the bat as well.
The one time that I told a family member about my anxiety their response was ‘oh you’re just being dramatic’. As a result, I don’t think I’ll ever tell another family member ever again.
Someone tried to kidnap me when I was ten years old. He picked me up from behind, held me in his arm, put his hand over my mouth and started running for the mall door. I bit his hand and started to scream, and if it weren’t for a random stranger seeing me screaming as he was carrying me out the mall door, I really don’t know what would have happened. And that still haunts me. The man was never caught.
My worst kiss involved having the guy throw up mid kiss. Yup, someone else’s vomit in my mouth.
I’m very mean to myself. Every insecurity that I have come to light as a means to pick myself apart. I don’t want to be insecure, but I am. When people critique me, judge me or make fun of me, I wish they knew hat it’ll never be as bad as what I do to myself.
I started a youtube channel once. My first video got 300 views in the first couple of days being up and I got nervous of people judging me so I took it down.
I once had a side-hustle taking exams for other people.
My parents are racist. They say they’re not. But… the things they say, the actions they have, it shows in their character. And I get worried when I take them places they’re going to say something to someone of another race that cannot be forgotten, nor forgiven and that will get held against my character as well.
Sometimes I feel like I was born into the wrong family. I find myself wishing that I was adopted because then it might make more sense as to why I am the way that I am and why I have such a hard time ‘fitting in’ with this family. Then I feel bad for not being thankful for the family that I have. But I can’t help but shake this feeling that I don’t belong.
I have cried my way out of three speeding tickets.
What are your confessions? Things you don’t tell people. Things you won’t tell people. Things you’re afraid of getting out.
Do you ever feel like you’re just not good enough? Like you’re a fraud trying so hard to maintain an image that you’re worried on of these days your back is going to break, the secret’s going to be out and all of your insecurities will be on display for the whole world to see?
Because I sure do.
Sometimes I feel like I’m barely scraping by. Like all of the accomplishments that I’ve accomplished in my life don’t belong to me. And, that’s probably a true thing. My accomplishments belong to those who’ve helped me along the way. But, it would be nice if I believed in myself. I might feel better about the way things are if I just believed in myself.
Because I sure don’t.
I know that I’m talented. I know that I’m smart. I know that I’m capable. But can I make it? I don’t know… can I? That’s the issue I’m struggling with these days.
I feel guilty for letting these thoughts out of my head. I feel like when you let your doubts out, that gives them power. But, at the same time, I just can’t hold them in.
Maybe people can sense my doubts. Actually, now that I say that, it’s probably true. People can sense that I doubt myself. I’m just so scared of my insecurities. I feel like we were lied too when we were kids and we were told we’d ‘grow out of it’. Life has a way of reminding you just where you belong in this world.
So when I refuse to believe this is where I belong, am I just fooling myself? Do I belong in this consistent state of unrest? Or is there something more for me?
Good god, anxiety sucks. Saturday nights… they always get the better of me.
