2021 Resolution

This year I’ve decided that I’m only making one New Year’s Resolution. My 2021 Resolution is to get out of debt. I’m tired of this dark cloud lingering over me.

I will pay off my debt in 2021. It won’t be easy. But, since I basically have no social life anyway, I can make sacrifices. I can sell off things I don’t need. I can stop going to Starbucks. I can do this. I won’t let 2019 and 2020 define me for the rest of my life.

It’s time for a change.

Blogmas Day 16

If you read my post two days ago (prior to my removing it), I did manage to get in contact with the person to which I was speaking of. Because I was able to get in contact with them, I decided to remove the post. Due to the nature of the post, I didn’t want it to stay there.

I fell of the Blogmas motivation train. I’m a few days behind. Rather than trying to catch up, I’m just labelling this post with the applicable day.

I’ve been sick for about a week now. I’ve also been dealing with extreme amounts of anxiety. Between the two, I haven’t been sleeping much and I definitely haven’t been enjoying life. I can’t tell you why I’m so anxious. Perhaps it’s the time of year. Perhaps it’s me being worried that I am sicker than I am. Perhaps there’s no reason at all. All I know is… dang it’s really hard to just exist some days. With this heightened anxiety that I’ve been feeling, it’s (and I didn’t come up with this analogy, I heard it from my doctor) the feeling of fear that you’re being chased by a bear whilst doing nothing more than watching television.

I did see my doctor yesterday to get some medication that’ll help me fight off this sickness. The last thing I need right now is to get worse, and since my body doesn’t seem to be fighting it off, I needed the extra hand that antibiotics could provide.

I’m planning to lay low until Christmas. Maybe even the New Year. I just want to recover and be healthy again. Perhaps if I am healthy again some of this anxiety will fade.

Winter solstice (the shortest day of the year) is in just a few short days. After that the days will begin getting longer again. I cannot begin to explain how in need i am of more daylight in a day.

Alrighty, time to get back to work.

Feelings and whatnot

I don’t think that I’ve ever felt lower of myself then I have in the past couple of months.

It really doesn’t matter how much of a pep talk I try to give myself. It really doesn’t matter how many times I try to tell myself that I need to not be so hard on myself. I see myself in the mirror and I feel depressed.

I’m pretty certain that almost everyone deals with self confidence issues from time to time and that what I feel is not unique to me. That being said, that doesn’t make it suck less. My confidence is at what feel like an all time low.

The Discord Dummy catches COVID

One of the reasons that I was very anxious about how sick I was this past week was because one of my coworkers recently let us know that he tested positive for COVID.

Firstly, I wasn’t surprised when he told us. I’ve written about him on this blog before, here and here. Basically, he’s been exceptionally careless about the ongoing pandemic. He’s been going on dates and hooking up with females like it’s nobody’s business, and, detailing his exploits on the company discord. The fact that he has COVID was a little bit of karma finally catching up with him.

“Practice safe sex” really takes on a whole new meaning when there’s a deadly pandemic sweeping the globe. I can’t imagine the frustration of the health care workers trying to do contact tracing and having to follow ‘Girl I had sex with from Tinder’ as a lead.

While I haven’t been physically present within six feet of him, we were in the same office together for several days. We walked the same halls, opened the same doors, you know… we shared the same vicinity. So, the fact that I was really sick had me extremely worried that it was COVID and that I had caught it from him.’

Anyways, apparently he’s felt like absolute shit. He went so far as to say this is the sickest he’s ever been in his entire life. Do we think he’s going to learn anything from this experience? Doubtful.

The good news is, I didn’t have COVID. I had the flu. I’m feeling much better now, which I am grateful for. I think I was feeling extra whiney when I was sick because I had the added anxiety of waiting for test results. Thankfully I was able to avoid people for several days so I know for certain that no one else got sick because of me.

Grocery delivery is quickly becoming one of my favourite conveniences.

As for Axel, haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. Hopefully he’s recovering well. Even if he did have this coming, I still hope he’s not suffering too badly.

Back when we first started hearing about this virus in late January on the news, one of the first things my brother said about it was “You really can’t vouch for the healthiness of anyone but yourself”. Which is so, so, so true. If anyone who reads this is dating during this pandemic, just be careful. You really can’t vouch for the health of the other person… even if they say they’re perfectly healthy. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

I’m rambling again.

Just because there are some things that I am unhappy about does not mean there isn’t good in my life. Just because there are some things that I am insecure about does not mean that I don’t like myself. Just because I have doubts does not mean that I don’t have certainties. Just because I’m an idiot when it comes to some things doesn’t mean that I’m an idiot when it comes to all things.

It’s okay to not have all of the answers. It’s okay if you don’t have a clear path. I don’t care what people say about trying not being good enough. Trying beats the hell out of being stagnant in life.

It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to screw up. What’s not okay is refusing to learn lessons from those times in life that seem so damn bad, you don’t ever know how you’re going to recover. Acknowledging your missteps and learning from them is literally the first step towards recovering, carving a new path and ensuring you don’t fuck up the same way twice.

Often times we treat these situations in life as though they’re rules. Rules we cannot break. We cannot possibly be insecure, unsure, uneasy or unhappy because if we’re any of these things it means we’re not secure, sure, easy-going or happy. That’s simply not the case. The world isn’t black and white. There are so many shades of grey and being able to understand that will bring a lot of peace, I promise you.

Don’t let people tell you how to feel, your feelings are warranted. Don’t let people tell you who to be or what to believe. You are who you are for a reason. That doesn’t mean that who you are is who you always have to be. Human beings are a work in progress and it’s well within you to change, if you want to. If you don’t, though… be proud of who you are. Flaws and all. Uncertainties and all. Insecurities and all. Uneasiness and all. No one else in this world is you.

Hey, it’s Tuesday

Have I made it back to the doctor yet? No.

But, I’m not beating myself up for that fact. I will get there. In the mean time I have taken steps to help minimize my stressors/triggers. I spoke with my boss and am working-from-home for the remainder of the week. Thankfully, I am blessed to be working a company that both allows, and makes it possible, for employees to work from home.

Being around people was making me anxious. My boss was very understanding. When I really stopped to think about it, 100% of my productivity working from home beats 50% of my productivity working from the office because I cannot function because I am so anxious about everyone around.

It’s not a permanent solution. But, for now, I’m taking things day-by-day.

I also took the advice of multiple people who sent me notes both here and on Instagram and I tried meditation last night. While I cannot say that it did anything for me last night, it was my first time ever trying meditation on my own, so I am going to give it more attempts.

I also have not watched the news in two days. I am hoping that helps me not get so stressed about the events of the world. While I do believe it’s important to be informed, it just feels as though the constant influx of ‘holy shitballs’ stories night after night has definitely been getting to me.

Tonight I’m working on another site. I’m also trying to build a store that’s not really a store (it needs to look, appear and feel like an online store without actually using a platform such as shopify as I don’t need the payment platform). I’m considering making some new #MillennialLifeCrisis shirts for my birthday, and I probably should eat dinner and sleep somewhere in there.

What’s everyone else up to these days? I’d love to hear some good news, if there is any out there to be heard. If you’re Canadian, how are you safely taking part in the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday?

Anxious still

After about a month of absolutely debilitating anxiety that has kept me from, well… everything…. I finally worked up the courage today to go to the doctor and seek some help.

This wasn’t an easy step for me to take for many reasons, one of which being that, even with doctor’s offices being very careful with respect to COVID, the idea of being in a small waiting room with someone who was potentially ill made me very anxious. Nevertheless, I did it.

When I got to the doctor I learned that maximum capacity had already been met for the day and they could not take any more patients because they would not be able to see any more patients before closing. Their waiting room was full and with the amount of people who were in there already, they were likely going to be there late.

While I completely understand the situation, I left feeling really defeated. It’d taken me so long to work up the courage to go and admit to my anxiety and when I got there, I was turned away.

The woman whom I spoke with at the clinic told me that I could come back during the week. I just, I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to work up the nerve to go for a second time.

I know that I have to do something. I was just hoping that everything would’ve worked out the way I wanted it to. Being anxious is not important enough means for me to be in the emergency room. So, I think I just need to muster the strength to get back there at some point this week.

The last time that I saw a doctor about my anxiety, they provided me a referral for a therapist. Attending those appointments actually helped me considerably at the time. I wasn’t able to continue because the referral that I was given was only for a certain number of appointments. While that therapist is in another province, I still somehow wish I could just go back and see her. She understood me.

Right now my anxiety is so bad that hypotheticals of hypotheticals of hypotheticals are keeping me from sleeping. Ex: My landlord works for a company that was talked about on the news this past week because they announced massive COVID related layoffs. Immediately I was hit with a fear that he’s getting laid off and because he’s getting laid off he’s going to sell his house because he needs they money and when he sells his house then I’ll be without residence and needing a place to land, in the middle of the winter.

Why is my mind trailing so far down these rabbit holes and why can’t I stop it?

I have to stop watching the news.

I have to do something.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I think I can do this. I think I can get back to the Doctor this week.

I hope I can.