Anxious.

In a turn of events that no one could’ve ever seen coming, my three week old nephew is being air-lifted to Children’s Hospital tonight.

In a matter of three hours the diagnosis went from ‘oh it’s just a cough’ to ‘we don’t have the ability to treat him at this hospital and we need him to be around specialists that can treat this condition’.

He’s three weeks old.

So small. So helpless. So powerless.

This is just… worst nightmare scenario right here. And no one can do anything about it.

Dreaming of Travel

I would love to get on a plane right now.

I would love to go somewhere. Anywhere. A new place. A familiar place. I just need a change of pace for a few days. Wouldn’t that be nice? I think that would be nice.

Sometimes I think I should just get in my car and go. Then I realize there’s not really anywhere to go. There are so many reasons why I can’t go, not the least of which being massive anxiety about being around strangers right now. So I just sit here, looking out my window at the planes landing and I dream. I dream of a day that I can go somewhere. I dream of a day that I can be the girl on that plane, headed somewhere for fun, or for business, or just to go.

As much as I love winter, it’s so long. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that in posts the past two years… probably in February back then as well. COVID has somehow made this winter seem so much longer. While I would normally escape somehow, some way, as I have the past two winters for a weekend or two, that’s not really an option right now. It’s just me and my thoughts here for the foreseeable future.

If COVID weren’t holding me back, here’s where I’d go:

  • Vancouver
  • Montreal
  • Niagara Falls
  • Denmark
  • Las Vegas
  • Bahamas

If COVID and money weren’t holding me back, here’s where I’d go;

  • The Maldives
  • The Seychelles
  • Australia
  • Patagonia
  • Kenya
  • South Africa
  • Egypt
  • Morocco
  • United Arab Emirates
  • Japan
  • France
  • Monaco
  • Indonesia

Well, if I am being totally honest, I just want to see the whole world. If it were safe and I had the money to do so, I would get on a plane tomorrow and go anywhere. I’d go everywhere. I’d love to be the writer behind one of those ‘Around the world’ blogs, sharing people and culture and stories I’ve discovered along the way. What a cool career that would be.

Culmination of scattered thoughts

I laid awake most of last night.

I’ve been doing that a lot lately, actually.

I try to sleep. I’ve tried things that could help me sleep and they never do. So I just… lay there. I lay there and I think. Usually I think about my life choices.

What did I do wrong? How do I dig myself out of this? Why do I lack so much confidence? Why am I never good enough for those dreams which I aspire to? Is it all in my head, or am I actually as bad as I think I am?

As with everything in life, I really don’t have the answers… just a lot of questions.

Why does it seem like no matter how many strides forward I take, I am still lost? Will I ever truly feel as though I’ve found my way?

Lately my anxiety has been spiking at absolutely random moments. Today I was watching a video of a puppy who’d just finished eating dinner and he picked up his bowl and walked it around the house. That made me so anxious that I crawled into bed and laid there in the dark to calm down. What is it about the dog that made me anxious? I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you why anything is making me anxious lately. I can tell you that it sucks big time. I wish I knew how to fix my anxiety. Actually, I wish I knew how to not get anxious in the first place.

A girl can dream. Except I won’t because I’ll likely lay awake all night again…

2021 Resolution

This year I’ve decided that I’m only making one New Year’s Resolution. My 2021 Resolution is to get out of debt. I’m tired of this dark cloud lingering over me.

I will pay off my debt in 2021. It won’t be easy. But, since I basically have no social life anyway, I can make sacrifices. I can sell off things I don’t need. I can stop going to Starbucks. I can do this. I won’t let 2019 and 2020 define me for the rest of my life.

It’s time for a change.

Blogmas Day 16

If you read my post two days ago (prior to my removing it), I did manage to get in contact with the person to which I was speaking of. Because I was able to get in contact with them, I decided to remove the post. Due to the nature of the post, I didn’t want it to stay there.

I fell of the Blogmas motivation train. I’m a few days behind. Rather than trying to catch up, I’m just labelling this post with the applicable day.

I’ve been sick for about a week now. I’ve also been dealing with extreme amounts of anxiety. Between the two, I haven’t been sleeping much and I definitely haven’t been enjoying life. I can’t tell you why I’m so anxious. Perhaps it’s the time of year. Perhaps it’s me being worried that I am sicker than I am. Perhaps there’s no reason at all. All I know is… dang it’s really hard to just exist some days. With this heightened anxiety that I’ve been feeling, it’s (and I didn’t come up with this analogy, I heard it from my doctor) the feeling of fear that you’re being chased by a bear whilst doing nothing more than watching television.

I did see my doctor yesterday to get some medication that’ll help me fight off this sickness. The last thing I need right now is to get worse, and since my body doesn’t seem to be fighting it off, I needed the extra hand that antibiotics could provide.

I’m planning to lay low until Christmas. Maybe even the New Year. I just want to recover and be healthy again. Perhaps if I am healthy again some of this anxiety will fade.

Winter solstice (the shortest day of the year) is in just a few short days. After that the days will begin getting longer again. I cannot begin to explain how in need i am of more daylight in a day.

Alrighty, time to get back to work.

Feelings and whatnot

I don’t think that I’ve ever felt lower of myself then I have in the past couple of months.

It really doesn’t matter how much of a pep talk I try to give myself. It really doesn’t matter how many times I try to tell myself that I need to not be so hard on myself. I see myself in the mirror and I feel depressed.

I’m pretty certain that almost everyone deals with self confidence issues from time to time and that what I feel is not unique to me. That being said, that doesn’t make it suck less. My confidence is at what feel like an all time low.

The Discord Dummy catches COVID

One of the reasons that I was very anxious about how sick I was this past week was because one of my coworkers recently let us know that he tested positive for COVID.

Firstly, I wasn’t surprised when he told us. I’ve written about him on this blog before, here and here. Basically, he’s been exceptionally careless about the ongoing pandemic. He’s been going on dates and hooking up with females like it’s nobody’s business, and, detailing his exploits on the company discord. The fact that he has COVID was a little bit of karma finally catching up with him.

“Practice safe sex” really takes on a whole new meaning when there’s a deadly pandemic sweeping the globe. I can’t imagine the frustration of the health care workers trying to do contact tracing and having to follow ‘Girl I had sex with from Tinder’ as a lead.

While I haven’t been physically present within six feet of him, we were in the same office together for several days. We walked the same halls, opened the same doors, you know… we shared the same vicinity. So, the fact that I was really sick had me extremely worried that it was COVID and that I had caught it from him.’

Anyways, apparently he’s felt like absolute shit. He went so far as to say this is the sickest he’s ever been in his entire life. Do we think he’s going to learn anything from this experience? Doubtful.

The good news is, I didn’t have COVID. I had the flu. I’m feeling much better now, which I am grateful for. I think I was feeling extra whiney when I was sick because I had the added anxiety of waiting for test results. Thankfully I was able to avoid people for several days so I know for certain that no one else got sick because of me.

Grocery delivery is quickly becoming one of my favourite conveniences.

As for Axel, haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. Hopefully he’s recovering well. Even if he did have this coming, I still hope he’s not suffering too badly.

Back when we first started hearing about this virus in late January on the news, one of the first things my brother said about it was “You really can’t vouch for the healthiness of anyone but yourself”. Which is so, so, so true. If anyone who reads this is dating during this pandemic, just be careful. You really can’t vouch for the health of the other person… even if they say they’re perfectly healthy. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

I’m rambling again.

Just because there are some things that I am unhappy about does not mean there isn’t good in my life. Just because there are some things that I am insecure about does not mean that I don’t like myself. Just because I have doubts does not mean that I don’t have certainties. Just because I’m an idiot when it comes to some things doesn’t mean that I’m an idiot when it comes to all things.

It’s okay to not have all of the answers. It’s okay if you don’t have a clear path. I don’t care what people say about trying not being good enough. Trying beats the hell out of being stagnant in life.

It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to screw up. What’s not okay is refusing to learn lessons from those times in life that seem so damn bad, you don’t ever know how you’re going to recover. Acknowledging your missteps and learning from them is literally the first step towards recovering, carving a new path and ensuring you don’t fuck up the same way twice.

Often times we treat these situations in life as though they’re rules. Rules we cannot break. We cannot possibly be insecure, unsure, uneasy or unhappy because if we’re any of these things it means we’re not secure, sure, easy-going or happy. That’s simply not the case. The world isn’t black and white. There are so many shades of grey and being able to understand that will bring a lot of peace, I promise you.

Don’t let people tell you how to feel, your feelings are warranted. Don’t let people tell you who to be or what to believe. You are who you are for a reason. That doesn’t mean that who you are is who you always have to be. Human beings are a work in progress and it’s well within you to change, if you want to. If you don’t, though… be proud of who you are. Flaws and all. Uncertainties and all. Insecurities and all. Uneasiness and all. No one else in this world is you.