Note to self:

If you’re feeling frightened about what comes, don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness; don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes, because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart… where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again

Just keep going.

So… I ditched Derrick.

It’s true, I did. My life is presently Derrick free at the moment. And, whilst things haven’t really calmed down since, I am feeling a certain gratitude for not having to deal with him.

I fled for British Columbia, where the forests are plentiful and the cell reception is sparse. There’s a neighbourhood moose that likes to walk down the street in the morning’s – perhaps he’s up early to get his workout done before his day begins. (And yes, it’s a ‘he’. I’m Canadian, we know these things) It’s very much a small town… the kind of place where everyone seems to know everyone and there’s a mini-van in every driveway and a roast in every oven. Oh, it’s also the kind of place where there’s still snow on the ground on April 16. Yeah, there’s definitely character.

As far as my health goes, I received no diagnosis from the Ear Nose and Throat Specialist. Not only that, but I also was told that he’s got nothing left to do to help me and that there’s no explanation for it, so I just have to live with it. It wasn’t the answer that I wanted, but, until I can find a new doctor who’s willing to think outside of the box, I guess I do just have to live with it.

In taking steps with my anxiety, I got a referral to talk with a Psychologist. They’re supposed to call me next Monday. I’ve known for a while now, at least a few months, that talking to someone could be a benefit to me. I’ve just been scared to go because I don’t have insurance right now and it’s quite expensive. That being said, I’ve decided that I’m going to go and I’m going to try it. We’ll see what happens. Trying to explain to the doctor that I have anxiety and not depression was a struggle.

I’m trying really hard to keep my insecurities in check. Not because I’m afraid of them, but moreso because I do not want to let them win. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself, but everyone has to start somewhere.

Here’s to starting from somewhere. My brother sent me a text message that said ‘May the odds be forever in your favour’. Here’s to hoping.

Wow. Okay.

My mom’s been in a bit of a bad mood for the past few months. In general she’s always been more of a bubbly person in nature, but when she received her diagnosis late last year, it was almost as though a darkness came out in her.

It’s definitely been something that my family has been trying hard to deal with, and to understand. I mean, I’ve never battled cancer but I’d like to think that if I had to, people would allow me to feel exactly how I wanted. So, for that reason, we’ve kind of just… let her be.

I’ve noticed though, that the times in which she crosses the line seem to be happening more and more as of late. And I’m put in this horrible position of trying to put her in her place, or letting it go, knowing what she’s just said or done is completely not okay but she’s battling cancer and it’s taking it’s toll on her.

This morning my brother, Aaron, called to ask her if she and my dad would come to his baby shower. His girlfriend is expecting their first child and her due date is in late June. Instead of just saying ‘Aaron, I am unable to come’, her response was ‘I’m not going to a baby shower before the baby is born because I don’t even know if that baby is going to live or not’.

Harsh, right?

Little bit.

My brother is about to become a dad for the first time in his life, I think of all of the things that are running through his head at this point in time, the last thing he needs to be worrying about is miscarriage. Especially this late in the pregnancy.

And don’t get me wrong. I understand that miscarriages happen. I do. And I understand that they still happen late in pregnancy. I get that. I just don’t think it’s appropriate to put that thought in the mind of a first-time-father. He shouldn’t have to be worrying about whether or not his baby is going to survive. There’s enough for him to be worried about right now.

I just really wish she hadn’t said that. Aaron is someone that I know personally has suffered from anxiety in his life and I worry now that he’s going to anxiously worry about this for the rest of his girlfriend’s pregnancy. I worry that he’s going to keep that thought in the back of his mind as he patiently awaits the birth of his first child – something that really didn’t need to be there and really shouldn’t be there.

We all understand that miscarriages happen. That doesn’t mean that you need to fill that thought in first-time-parent’s heads as they get ready to have their baby.

The whole situation has completely dumbfounded me. Why would she do this? When I talked to her when she got off the phone, my mother’s response was ‘I had two miscarriages, so it’s time they wake up and smell the realities of life.’ I really don’t think she understands at all what she just said.

All he wanted to do was invite her to a baby shower.

Perhaps I’m wrong, perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything to her. Perhaps I just should ignore the entire situation completely. I’m just of the belief that there are some things that, especially for an anxious mind, do you know good to be thinking about until they happen, if they even happen at all. Miscarriages are a very real reality for pregnant women, I get that, but I also think there’s a certain amount of decorum one should show with respect to the subject.

I tried calling Aaron after I spoke to my mom. I think he’s just pissed off and stewing right now. All he said was ‘It’s fine. She just needs to focus on getting better, I guess’. Clearly he’s taken the route of just ignoring that it happened. Or trying to ignore that it happened, at least.

Sunday’s are for:

I love Sunday’s. Sunday’s are my day. Sunday’s are a day for sleeping in, a day for adventure, a day for chasing sunsets, a day for getting my nails done, a day for unequivocally being completely myself in every way possible.

I don’t have to answer to anyone, I don’t have to do anything unless I choose. If I work, it’s because I want to. If I don’t it’s because I want to. It’s a day for love and lust and taking the last drink in the fridge and the first burger off the barbecue.

Sunday’s are a day for the lost souls, for the wandering souls and for the sweet souls. It’s a day where anything can happen, and it’s equally as incredible a time if nothing happens at all. Sunday’s don’t judge, they simply accept you for who and what you are and allow you to do as you please.

I wish every day could be Sunday. I wish there were more time for adventure, more time for confidence building and more time for the moments I’ll never forget.

Sunday’s are my day. The best day.

Here’s to Sunday’s. May the adventures take us farther than our little hearts could ever dream of.

On starting over at 30

12:03 p.m.

I feel sick.

2:18 p.m.

I still can’t do it.

5:00 p.m.

Text message from my mom: “Just remember you’re worth. Don’t you ever forget that.”

8:57 p.m.

Wow.

Okay.

Where do I start? Words are escaping me at the moment. Everything is escaping me at the moment. The life that I thought I knew, the plans that I thought I had, they fell through my fingertips faster than granules of sand on the California Coast.

I can’t do this right now. I’ll take this up later.

12:57 a.m.

It’s crazy to me, the fact that the people you love most in this world have the capability to hurt you the most.

Perhaps I’m just too trusting. Perhaps I put my faith where I shouldn’t have.

3:29 a.m.

Holy fucking hell. (Please excuse my language. Nothing else seems a worthy description of the present state of my brain)

4:45 a.m.

Still awake.

6:30 a.m.

That alarm came a lot earlier than I wanted it to.

7:30 a.m.

Okay, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to spit this out.

3:38 p.m.

A song came on radio just now and I burst out into tears.

“They say “Love is more precious than gold”
Can’t be bought and it can’t be sold
I got love enough to spare
That makes me a millionaire”
Chris Stapleton

10:30 p.m.

The past 48 hours of my life have been exceptionally trying. This whole year, through everything that has happened, I’ve not once thought of myself as a loser, until today. I had an awakening today. I am a loser. I am. And I think it’s time that I start facing the very real reality that has become my life in 2019. I don’t say this in a self-deprecating way, or in a way that wants pity. I’m just trying to be real with myself.

I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m questioning everything that I’ve ever done, especially that in the past two days. I had plans. I had a future. I had everything I ever wanted and it slipped through my fingers in the blink of an eye.

I don’t want to be here… in this place. Both literally and metaphorically. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened. I love you. I will always love you. I hope that you’re able to find some peace.

How did I get to this place? I did everything right. Every fucking thing. I got the degree. I chased the career. I was a nice person. I tried to be a good person. We all have flaws, but somehow, I don’t know, perhaps I was a serial killer in my past life.

So where am I at?

The reality with my life right now is that I have no plan, no job, no home. I am 30 years old and I am a loser. Two weeks ago I was the one in the cab telling a complete stranger that it’s never too late to start over, and now I’m realizing that perhaps I should have been telling myself that all along.

I need to start over. I know that. I need a Plan B. Actually, I think at this point I’m probably running on Plan F? Motivation, Vee. You’re responsible for motivating yourself from now on.It’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting your shit together.

I never thought I’d be in this place in my life, but I’m sure that’s what everyone says right before they start over. So, I’m going to revert back to a quote I shared with a cab driver two weeks ago:

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Here’s to starting over. I’m 30 years old and I need to make a new life. I’m scared.

On ‘being a good person’.

Of all the things he hasn’t accomplished in his presidency, Donald Trump has most definitely been successful in emboldening hatred, bigotry and misogyny around the world. In my mind, he is the prime and shining example of school-yard bullying at the highest powers of society and the fact that he’s so well known has, in some way, given a voice hatred spewers world-wide.

If you like Donald Trump and you think he’s a good president, that’s your opinion and you’re allowed to believe that. I don’t like him. I don’t like what he stands for. I don’t like what he represents, and most of all, I really don’t like that he’s made it acceptable in 2019 to be a horrible person and have it be socially acceptable.

I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t.

The world that my mom and dad grew up in, the world that my grandparents grew up in, it had a lot of problems. There were a lot of things going on that I thought we’d already passed and left behind us. I’m not saying we don’t have our own problems now, I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be revisiting the past.

Hate is not okay. Bullying is not okay. Bigotry is not okay. Misogyny is not okay. Sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, all not okay.

I know that it was naive of me to assume to, but I liked to think that all children in this world are raised with manners, and taught tolerance, acceptance and respect. Sadly, 2019 has been teaching me that that is really not the case.

The thing is, no one is born evil. No one is born to hate. That’s why I think it’s so important to teach people when they’re children. Trying to teach adults is a whole different ball game. That being said, it saddens me that so many people in this world are raised being taught to hate and bully.

I consider myself to be a good person. Or at least I try to be. I’m nice to everyone I meet, I use my manners – hold open doors, etc… I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, whether their opinions agree with mine or not. I just wish that everyone would try to do the same, to be the same.

What do you get out of bullying someone? Honestly. What do you get out of treating someone as though they’re less than you? Does it make one happy? I can’t imagine that it makes someone fulfilled. Donald Trump (sorry to use him as an example again, but really) doesn’t seem all that happy, or fulfilled. And, considering I question whether or not he actually has any money, he doesn’t seem like he has much of anything beyond a lot of hatred.

I just want to encourage everyone to be nice. Just be nice. Treat your friends well, treat strangers with kindness. Have hope for the people you don’t know and have understanding for the people you do know. Try to understand the human condition and that we all have good and we all suffer from time to time – some a lot worse than others. Just because we don’t know what someone is going through doesn’t mean that we cannot help.

Kindness is so important. Manners cost nothing. Be a good person. Please.

Of all the legacies you can leave in this world, please try to be a good person. That might be the most important of all.

On ‘playing the cards you’re dealt’.

I whine a lot to the internet. I do. I’ll admit that.

I am so incredibly grateful that it’s finally spring time in Canada.

When I started this blog I had grandiose plans of making it a fun and interesting place to come write about fun activities I was doing and posting restaurant reviews, perhaps even a lot of travel. And I still want to do all of those things. But I also believe in being real. Where I’m at in my life right now isn’t a fun place to be. And I’m not going to hide that and pretend it isn’t the case. I’m trying, though. I would like that stipulation known. I am really, genuinely trying. Sometimes the cards just suck and you have to get ready for the next hand and the next chapter in life.

The thing about wordpress is that, in spite of being a place filled with strangers, somehow it allows me to feel less alone in this universe.

I have trouble sleeping most nights. In spite of reading every sleep-help suggestion I can find and trying all of them, I still struggle to sleep. And though I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone, it does make me feel a little bit better to know that I’m not alone in this issue.

Things appear to be looking up. And, though I’m trying to not get my hopes up too high, I am feeling cautiously optimistic. I don’t want to talk too much about what’s going on because if it doesn’t happen, I don’t want to have to explain why. But, if it does happen, it’ll be a good step forward for me, and for us.

Derrick, the aforementioned lunatic who lives upstairs, has continued his streak of manipulation and idiocy. There’s nothing new about that. In the two months that I’ve known him he’s tried to ‘get with’ three women – none of which were available, all of which were either in a relationship or fresh out of one, and each of which I have heard him lie to on several occasions. I’m sorry, if you need to lie to spend time with someone, you’re doing it wrong.

I have an appointment with the ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) Specialist on Thursday. I’ve done the Autoimmune blood testing now and it came back negative. I’ve also done the allergy testing – which was a huge waste of my time (story for another day). I’m not sure what’s going to come from the appointment on Thursday but hopefully he’s got some new ideas of what might be able to help me. I really just want to feel healthy again.

I’m still looking for a job. I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog the stupid things I’ve run into in the job hunting process. It’s been a frustrating ordeal. Education, experience and common sense don’t appear to be worth too much these days.

Things in 2019 have sucked, so far. That’s not to say there hasn’t been good. There definitely has been good and I am not trying to minimize that. Knight has been a rock. The man is basically the only thing keeping me from losing my mind. As a whole though, this year (so far) has been a bit of a write off for me. I’m ready for some change, I’m ready to move onward and upward.

Don’t settle. That’s something I have to tell myself every day. Don’t settle. You’re worth so much more than you believe. Try and stay in the positive. Onward and upward. #MotivationMonday