Anxious, uneasy and frustrated.

I’m anxious.

My mind won’t calm down, no matter what I do. I start by asking myself questions about what arrangement is correct for my cover-letter and my thoughts quickly spiral into asking what happens if my mom’s treatments don’t take. To say it’s out of control would be an understatement and there’s really nothing that I can do about it.

I’m uneasy.

It’s difficult trying to play-the-game in a world that seems anything but fair or realistic. What’s really easy for me these days is feeling like I am the problem. Feeling like there is something wrong with me, that is something that I can’t shake.

I’m frustrated.

This situation that I’m presently in is weighing on my heart. I want my own space. I want to know that the future is going to be positive. I want a sign of when this is all going to be over and when I can breathe easy again. There’s this weight that’s permanently hanging over me, the weight of depression, slowly eating away at my happy moments each and every day. I don’t want to continue like this because I don’t know how long it’s going to be before my happiness disappears all together.

I realize this sounds exceptionally dramatic. I’m not even trying to be that way, it’s just how today is happening for me. Nothing seems like a small deal and everything feels as though I need to conquer the world to make it through.

Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am not supposed to be happy. Maybe this is as good as it gets. It sucks that I’m really starting to believe myself when I say that.

Things that help to calm an anxious mind.

As I’m sure anyone with anxiety is well aware, some days are good and some are bad. Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world and some days I have so much anxiety that my anxiety gives me more anxiety. It’s as though I am fearing the fear itself.

Thankfully, over the years, I’ve managed to come up with a few means to calm myself down when I need to get my balance in check. I think of it much like self-care, but not in the way that most lists you find around the internet make it out to sound. No face masks, no essential oils, just balance. Balance is key, I find.

  1. Playing https://rainymood.com/. There’s something so peaceful about the sound of rain for me that it reminds the mind to simmer down and take life easy.
  2. Go to Yoga. Now this one is important to me. I am not a Yogi. I am not even a regular visitor to the yoga studio. Yoga is HARD. But, yoga is also exceptionally calming. Being in a room that peaceful with as many people around me all wanting the same peace I am seeking, it’s motivating to calm down. Putting yourself in an environment that promotes what you’re seeking, I have found to be exceptionally helpful to my well being.
  3. Cut the caffeine. This is because when I am anxious, caffeine only makes me worse. On days when I’m extremely anxious, I won’t have any caffeine at all.
  4. Getting a manicure. Sitting in the chair of a nail salon and having a stranger massage your fingers and clean up your cuticles is very calming. The salon’s always play relaxing music and it’s nice to just have someone else look after you, even if it is only for a half hour or forty minutes. I highly recommend this, even if you’re a guy. You don’t need to even paint your nails. Just having someone look after you is worth it.
  5. Taking in fresh air. Fresh air is good for the mind, body and soul. Whether it’s walk, a bike ride, or just sitting on my deck and reading a book, the fresh air of the outdoors always helps me find my calm. Furthermore, it’s a thought-blocker to hear the birds chirping and the squirrels running. #DoubleWhammy
  6. Telling myself that my fear is trash. Writing down what is wrong, everything that is negative or everything that I am afraid of and then tearing up the paper and throwing it away. It’s very therapeutic to throw away all of your fears, even if it is only metaphorical.
  7. Talk to someone who cares. I don’t need to talk about my anxiety, my fear or anything of the sort. Sometimes, just talking to someone makes me feel so much better. It helps me feel normal and connected with the world. It’s also a welcome distraction.
  8. Rewatching episodes of Friends or Frasier. These are my two favourite tv shows of all time. I don’t have Netflix, I use ‘ProjectFreeTV’. At this point in time I’ve seen Friends so much that I could likely regurgitate every line from every episode. But hey, you like what you like. And it helps when you know that something makes you smile.
  9. Colour. Adult colouring books are one of the greatest things to come to market in the past 10 years, for me. There’s something so soothing about pulling out my container of markers and opening up my colouring book. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for some peace in their life.
  10. Read a book. Or Read WordPress blog posts. Or read the newspaper. Or read anything. Because reading slows down the thoughts in my mind. And, if the thoughts in my mind slow down then the anxiety slows down. Reading someone else’s words is quite often the thing that helps the most. I think that’s why I find myself on this website so much.

Of course, everyone is so individual when it comes to anxiety that what works for someone might not make a difference for someone else. I think it’s all about trying to find the balance in your mind. So, if anyone has any suggestions of what they do to help calm themselves when they get anxious, I would love if you could share them with me.

Day 32: February, how did you get here so quickly?

Today is not going well for me. My anxiety is skyrocketing to the point where I’m struggling to catch my breath. What’s triggering it? It would be nice to know. How is it February already? Where is the time going and why does it feel like it’s slipping away from me faster than sand running through my fingertips?

More questions. Every time I get anxious it seems as though all I am filled with is questions. Questions, questions, questions. It’d be nice to have some answers for a change.

I don’t tell people about my anxiety. I haven’t really ever. I’m not ashamed of it, I just don’t know how to explain it. Talking about anxiety to someone who doesn’t suffer from it really doesn’t understand. Trying to answer their questions just seems like an arduous feat I’m not capable of at this stage in my life.

We’re a month into the year and all I can feel is that I don’t have my shit together.

My mom starts chemotherapy on the 7th and though I know they caught her cancer early and I know they’re incredibly optimistic she will come out of this clear and healthy, I’m still scared.

The job hunt has become more frustrating by the day. Step 1 – Upload your resume. Step 2 – Rewrite everything that is listed on your resume in our form. Step 3 – Answer a bunch of questions that we should be asking you in an interview but don’t because we’re not going to interview you. Step 4 – Waste a lot of your time.

And, for the interviews that I have had, I’m now playing the waiting game. And the waiting game sucks. Everything feels unsettled. Everything feels out of place. It’s as though the world is off-kilter and I just can’t keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. Life happens.

Waiting for this to pass. Hoping it passes soon.

I really need to stop pouring my thoughts out to the internet.

Day 28: That inexplicable lump in your throat right before you’re about to cry.

I’ve been crying a lot lately. I can’t even tell you why.

That’s a lie. I can tell you why. I’m overwhelmed. Everything seems to be overwhelming me these days.

Being unemployed is weighing on my heart. I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I find myself feeling as though I am the problem. Am I the problem? Am I unqualified? With a university degree and nearly a decade of work experience under my belt, am I the problem? On the flip side, I can’t help but feel as though companies are going about the hiring process in all the wrong ways in 2019.

Needing to fill out a questionnaire that takes 40 minutes, simply to apply for a job at your organization, seems like overkill. Maybe I’m wrong but can you not save the questionnaires for the actual job interview? What do you actually ask candidates in your interviews if they’ve already told you everything about themselves during the application process?

So, after 28 days, as I get ready to walk into the unknown of being jobless and homeless, and to an extent, hopeless, I’m crying a lot. A lot more than I want to be. I hate crying. I want to have my life figured out. I want to know where I am going next. I want to have a plan. I feel like Phoebe Buffay in that episode of Friends when Monica asks “Phoebe, do you have a plan?” to which Phoebe responds “I don’t even have a PL…”

That’s about how I am feeling today.

I don’t even have a “PL”.

I really need to stop complaining on the internet.