Worries of the day.

Today hasn’t been the greatest of days. My anxiety is exceptionally high and I don’t know how to control it.

My brother lied to me this morning. Right to my face. I knew that he lied to me when he did it and he knew he lied to me when he did it, and still, when I called him out on the lie, he chose to try and ‘save himself’ by offering up another lie. I don’t believe in lying to someone to spare their feelings. Knowing that my brother is lying to me doesn’t spare any feelings. It just pisses me off. I wish he would just tell me the truth. That’s all I want, the truth.

On a completely different note, I’m worried about my parents. My mom, I’ve been worried about for a while. My dad, lately, has become a new worry of mine. He seems to be struggling more and more with simple tasks. And though he’s been incredible at helping my mom through her cancer treatments, he’s getting very forgetful. I can say something two or three times and he’ll still ask me again as though we’ve never talked about it before. He’s also losing his hearing. Having a simple conversation is getting increasingly difficult and it’s worrisome to see, to be a part of, and to not be able to help with.

Switching gears again, I lost out on a job interview today. I got an email at 9:00 am this morning asking me to come for an interview in another province at 10:00 am tomorrow morning. Under normal circumstances doing that is difficult. How do I get there in less than 24 hours? And even if I could get there in 24 hours, the cost of that job interview on my behalf? It’s hard. It’s so hard. I have so many abilities and so much potential and I’m continuing to hit these roadblocks. I want to feel like I’m contributing to society. I want to be working. How do I justify spending $1,000 on an interview that has no guarantee it’ll even pan out? When I asked if I could push the interview back to later this week or early next (as a means to give myself more time to formulate a plan to get there) I was told that they’re moving forward with interviewing candidates willing to come in when requested of and wished me luck with future career endeavors. Thanks, I guess.

Lastly, I’ve been feeling quite sick lately. I’ve been chalking it up to being stressed about just about everything in my life, so I’ve been trying to not get anxious about it. But the truth is, the nausea is worrisome. I can’t seem to eat anything without feeling sick. And I’m tired. So tired. Not just in the literal sense, but in the figurative sense too. I’m struggling to sleep, I’m struggling to deal, and it’s hard.

I need to stop pouring my heart out to the internet, I know that. But it’s an outlet, for now. And if something can help me feel at list a little bit less anxious, I’m going to do it.

“Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

Alfred Lord Tennyson

What is home?

Have you ever felt as though you just don’t seem to belong anywhere? My whole life I’ve always carried around this feeling that I just don’t fit, that something isn’t right, that I don’t belong.

I have this great-big family, filled with all sorts of different characters and personalities. When I say ‘great-big’, I really mean it. I have four siblings, my parents each have 6 and 7 siblings, I’ve got something like 45 cousins at this point. There’s family everywhere. And amongst all of the different personalities and characters that exist within my family, I’ve never really fit.

I’ve tried. Don’t get me wrong, I have really, genuinely, completely made an effort. I just don’t think they understand me. I don’t think they want to understand me.

When I graduated from University, I made myself a promise that I was going to do things for myself for a change. Instead of putting my family first, I was going to put myself first. And I did that. For many years. I liked it. And though I never really felt like I found home during that time, I was content with the understanding that I was living life for me.

Lately I’ve been coming to the realization that home is where the heart is. Whether it be a dingy, overpacked hotel room, a dusty old apartment, or the basement bedroom someone else’s home, if that is where your heart is, that is where your home is.

I can say for certain that my heart is definitely not in this room right now. Nor do I think it will ever be.

I got in a disagreement with my mother today. Which makes sense. We’ve been around each other for 24 hours, so it was bound to happen eventually. I just… as much as I know she has the best of intentions, she’s never really taken the time to get to know me. So we butt heads quite frequently. I’m trying to be sensitive to what she’s going through, but, it’s hard. It’s so hard. And that almost makes me feel worse. I just feel as though I can’t win. She has this expectation that I’m going to be the doting daughter, and I’m not that. I’m not that at all and I never have been. The more I continue to fail at being that, the more I’ll disappoint her and myself in the process.

My heart isn’t here. My heart doesn’t want to be here.

And, as I begin this total reinvention of ones’ self, I can’t help but think that I’m doing this all wrong. Why am I here? I left my heart in a million pieces along the way and I’m scrambling to figure out where to go next or what to do.

I love my mom dearly. She’s an incredible woman and a warrior. I love my whole family dearly. I do. But I don’t belong here. And I know the longer that I stay here the more that it’s going to eat away at my soul. I want to go home. And that’s so sad because I don’t even know what home is anymore.

Overthinkers Anonymous

Oh boy. Some days it seems as though my mind just won’t slow down. Thoughts run continuously through my mind so quickly that I can’t even keep up with them. And it doesn’t have to be negative. Sometimes they’re positive thoughts. Sometimes they’re curious thoughts. All times, they’re too quick for me to fully comprehend.

I’m one of those people who will be mid conversation with someone and randomly spout out something that has nothing to do with what we’re talking about. And why? Because my mind is running ten steps ahead of any conversation that I’m having.

Does anyone else do this? I can’t be the only one.

A lot of times the thoughts running through my mind aren’t even relevant to my life. I think that’s what happens when you care too much. When you have too much sentiment for everything and everyone. You can’t help but have it top of mind because even though it seemingly doesn’t matter, it does matter. Everything matters.

My mind is running too fast for me today. It’s a beautiful day and I can’t slow down. I need a distraction. Ooh a squirrel. Did you know that the Seychelles are sinking due to climate change? Puppies are cute.

Anxious, uneasy and frustrated.

I’m anxious.

My mind won’t calm down, no matter what I do. I start by asking myself questions about what arrangement is correct for my cover-letter and my thoughts quickly spiral into asking what happens if my mom’s treatments don’t take. To say it’s out of control would be an understatement and there’s really nothing that I can do about it.

I’m uneasy.

It’s difficult trying to play-the-game in a world that seems anything but fair or realistic. What’s really easy for me these days is feeling like I am the problem. Feeling like there is something wrong with me, that is something that I can’t shake.

I’m frustrated.

This situation that I’m presently in is weighing on my heart. I want my own space. I want to know that the future is going to be positive. I want a sign of when this is all going to be over and when I can breathe easy again. There’s this weight that’s permanently hanging over me, the weight of depression, slowly eating away at my happy moments each and every day. I don’t want to continue like this because I don’t know how long it’s going to be before my happiness disappears all together.

I realize this sounds exceptionally dramatic. I’m not even trying to be that way, it’s just how today is happening for me. Nothing seems like a small deal and everything feels as though I need to conquer the world to make it through.

Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am not supposed to be happy. Maybe this is as good as it gets. It sucks that I’m really starting to believe myself when I say that.

Things that help to calm an anxious mind.

As I’m sure anyone with anxiety is well aware, some days are good and some are bad. Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world and some days I have so much anxiety that my anxiety gives me more anxiety. It’s as though I am fearing the fear itself.

Thankfully, over the years, I’ve managed to come up with a few means to calm myself down when I need to get my balance in check. I think of it much like self-care, but not in the way that most lists you find around the internet make it out to sound. No face masks, no essential oils, just balance. Balance is key, I find.

  1. Playing https://rainymood.com/. There’s something so peaceful about the sound of rain for me that it reminds the mind to simmer down and take life easy.
  2. Go to Yoga. Now this one is important to me. I am not a Yogi. I am not even a regular visitor to the yoga studio. Yoga is HARD. But, yoga is also exceptionally calming. Being in a room that peaceful with as many people around me all wanting the same peace I am seeking, it’s motivating to calm down. Putting yourself in an environment that promotes what you’re seeking, I have found to be exceptionally helpful to my well being.
  3. Cut the caffeine. This is because when I am anxious, caffeine only makes me worse. On days when I’m extremely anxious, I won’t have any caffeine at all.
  4. Getting a manicure. Sitting in the chair of a nail salon and having a stranger massage your fingers and clean up your cuticles is very calming. The salon’s always play relaxing music and it’s nice to just have someone else look after you, even if it is only for a half hour or forty minutes. I highly recommend this, even if you’re a guy. You don’t need to even paint your nails. Just having someone look after you is worth it.
  5. Taking in fresh air. Fresh air is good for the mind, body and soul. Whether it’s walk, a bike ride, or just sitting on my deck and reading a book, the fresh air of the outdoors always helps me find my calm. Furthermore, it’s a thought-blocker to hear the birds chirping and the squirrels running. #DoubleWhammy
  6. Telling myself that my fear is trash. Writing down what is wrong, everything that is negative or everything that I am afraid of and then tearing up the paper and throwing it away. It’s very therapeutic to throw away all of your fears, even if it is only metaphorical.
  7. Talk to someone who cares. I don’t need to talk about my anxiety, my fear or anything of the sort. Sometimes, just talking to someone makes me feel so much better. It helps me feel normal and connected with the world. It’s also a welcome distraction.
  8. Rewatching episodes of Friends or Frasier. These are my two favourite tv shows of all time. I don’t have Netflix, I use ‘ProjectFreeTV’. At this point in time I’ve seen Friends so much that I could likely regurgitate every line from every episode. But hey, you like what you like. And it helps when you know that something makes you smile.
  9. Colour. Adult colouring books are one of the greatest things to come to market in the past 10 years, for me. There’s something so soothing about pulling out my container of markers and opening up my colouring book. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for some peace in their life.
  10. Read a book. Or Read WordPress blog posts. Or read the newspaper. Or read anything. Because reading slows down the thoughts in my mind. And, if the thoughts in my mind slow down then the anxiety slows down. Reading someone else’s words is quite often the thing that helps the most. I think that’s why I find myself on this website so much.

Of course, everyone is so individual when it comes to anxiety that what works for someone might not make a difference for someone else. I think it’s all about trying to find the balance in your mind. So, if anyone has any suggestions of what they do to help calm themselves when they get anxious, I would love if you could share them with me.

Day 32: February, how did you get here so quickly?

Today is not going well for me. My anxiety is skyrocketing to the point where I’m struggling to catch my breath. What’s triggering it? It would be nice to know. How is it February already? Where is the time going and why does it feel like it’s slipping away from me faster than sand running through my fingertips?

More questions. Every time I get anxious it seems as though all I am filled with is questions. Questions, questions, questions. It’d be nice to have some answers for a change.

I don’t tell people about my anxiety. I haven’t really ever. I’m not ashamed of it, I just don’t know how to explain it. Talking about anxiety to someone who doesn’t suffer from it really doesn’t understand. Trying to answer their questions just seems like an arduous feat I’m not capable of at this stage in my life.

We’re a month into the year and all I can feel is that I don’t have my shit together.

My mom starts chemotherapy on the 7th and though I know they caught her cancer early and I know they’re incredibly optimistic she will come out of this clear and healthy, I’m still scared.

The job hunt has become more frustrating by the day. Step 1 – Upload your resume. Step 2 – Rewrite everything that is listed on your resume in our form. Step 3 – Answer a bunch of questions that we should be asking you in an interview but don’t because we’re not going to interview you. Step 4 – Waste a lot of your time.

And, for the interviews that I have had, I’m now playing the waiting game. And the waiting game sucks. Everything feels unsettled. Everything feels out of place. It’s as though the world is off-kilter and I just can’t keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. Life happens.

Waiting for this to pass. Hoping it passes soon.

I really need to stop pouring my thoughts out to the internet.