I dread the night’s most.

Lately I’m finding that when the day winds down and everyone goes to bed for the night, that’s when my anxiety takes over. Swallowing every ounce of what’s good about my mood and my being, I turn into a twisted knot of explosive fear and delirious sadness.

I tried to stay positive about the world this week, I really did. I made a conscious effort every day to try and see the good in what was happening. The good was there. There was good in my life and I did see it. The problem was, the negatives seemed to swallow me whole.

I’m scared that I’m going to make the wrong decisions, do the wrong things or say something that cannot be taken back. I’m scared that I’ll never feel like myself again. As much as I can give myself pep-talks that fear doesn’t really seem to fade these days. Coping techniques help, for a little while. It always comes back though, seemingly stronger than before.

It’s a vicious hamster wheel I’m spinning in.

Common Thinking Errors – A lesson in thought from a Psychiatrist

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned from therapy is that the situations we find ourselves in don’t cause our depressed/anxious feelings – our ways of thinking about them do. Everyone goes through struggles and everyone suffers hardship in their lives. How a person responds to those struggles and hardships determines the outcome from them.

If you’re anything like me, it can be incredibly easy to jump to conclusions and imagine the worst case scenario, always. Some of us have brains that are just hard-wired to do so. That may, or may not be any fault of our own. But, if we’re ever going to tackle those feelings, we need to be aware of the errors in thinking in order to make conscious change.

The following are some common, distorted ways of thinking that often increase depression and make it harder to overcome, see past struggles and hardship.

FILTERING – Everyone’s life has some negative things. If you focus on the negative and filter out all positive or neutral things, your life will indeed seem depressing.

EMOTIONAL REASONING – Emotions are based on what we think and often not based on facts. Don’t always believe what you feel. Feelings are not facts.

OVER-INCLUSIVE – You think of one problem, then another and another, until you feel completely overwhelmed. Or you may take on the problems of family members as your own.

BLACK OR WHITE THINKING – You think only in extremes or absolutes, forgetting that most things fall in the middle and are shades of grey.

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS – You predict a negative outcome without adequate supporting evidence.

MIND READING – You believe that others are thinking and feeling badly about you and you react as if that’s true.

PREDICTING THE FUTURE – You think that things may turn out badly and only focus on the bad things that might happen. You convince yourself that a bad outcome is sure to happen.

CATASTROPHIZING – You imagine the worst and make things seem like a bigger deal than they are. This increases your fear and makes it harder to deal with what is really going on.

SHOULD – You make rules for yourself and others about things ‘should be’. You become angry or upset when these rules are not followed.

Thoughts go unnoticed as we automatically go through our day. This often leads to the belief that an event causes a feeling or behaviour. In fact, it is how we think about the event that causes feelings and behaviours.

In order to change your errors in thought, you first must notice these thoughts when they’re happening.

  • Slow down your thinking.
  • Consciously pay attention to your negative thoughts.
  • Don’t judge your thoughts, just observe them.

Once you’re aware of your negative thoughts, the next important step is to begin trying to change them.

  • Collect the negative thoughts in a capsule within your brain. When you’re ready to deal with them, acknowledge them for what they are and tell yourself that you’re ready to move past them.
  • Ask yourself ‘are these helpful’?
  • Replace them with more realistic and helpful thoughts.

It’s not going to be easy. But, instead of looking at something with a negative lens, try to be self-aware and put a new spin on the cycle navigating within your brain.

Personal Example:

One of the things that I struggle immensely with is rejection, it’s something I’ve spoken about in great lengths in therapy. One of the things that was brought to my attention was that, instead of believing that I’m a loser when I get rejected from an employer, instead of believing I’m unqualified, instead of believing that I’m not good enough, something I should consider is that I really have no idea why they didn’t hire me. And since I have no idea, I should stop treating it as a negative reflection of myself.

How do I spin it? Perhaps it was the wrong timing. Perhaps they had equal candidates and they flipped a coin. Perhaps they just didn’t like the tone of my voice. Whatever it is, I cannot change it. What I can do is, instead of thinking that I’m a loser, I can use the jobs I did not get as lessons learned of how to act next time, and how to know when the right opportunity has come along. I can think if it as though I’m gaining experience, not earning rejection.

How you think about something affects E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G in your life. Whether your brain is hard-wired one way or not, what are the steps that you can take to correct, or improve errors in thinking?


I’ve been seeing a Psychiatrist in an effort to help control the massive amounts of anxiety I’ve been suffering from in 2019. My Psychiatrist provides a lot of homework for me to use as tools for self improvement. As I work on myself, I’m sharing the resources provided to me. Why? Spread the wealth, spread the health.

Your mental health and well being are the most important gifts that you can give to yourself. To anyone reading this, I encourage you to please look after yourself. Take from this post what you like and leave what you don’t.

Want to see more on the subjects of mental health and self care? CLICK HERE

I have a job interview today.

To clarify, when I speak of my anxiety, it’s because the coping mechanisms that I usually use to work through my anxiety aren’t working.

I have a job interview today. It was 95% of the reason why I was anxious last night and is 100% of the reason why I am anxious today.

On the one hand, I’m thinking ‘hey, potential job prospect, this is great!’ And ‘I really hope this isn’t like the scam I walked into, and wasted my time at, in May’.

On the other hand, I’m thinking ‘hey, this is nowhere near Calgary and I have goals and plans for my life. If I accepted a job like this, would it stray me from my goals?’

And then there’s a nagging insecurity in my brain saying ‘Don’t just think you’re going to get this job, no one else wants to hire you so why would they?’

Realistically, the only thing that I can do is go into this job interview with an open mind. If I hope for the best then I can figure the rest out after. It’s just dealing with these nagging feelings of anxiety inside that I struggle with. I haven’t quiet yet figured out how to tackle all of my triggers, so there are times when I let my fears see light.

Speaking of good news (smooth transitions only, right), my mom went to the cancer clinic today for her follow up appointment. She’s required to do follow ups ‘x’ amount of days after finishing treatment and then every six months for two years and then once a year for five years following that (just to make sure that the cancer doesn’t return). Anyways, in her follow up appointment today they told her that she’s healing remarkably well, there’s no sign of recurring cells and they’re very impressed with her health at this point.

So that’s great!

It’s a rainy, gloomy day here. I’m trying to stay positive though.

There’s a lot to be thankful for. Mainly my mom’s health. I know not everyone gets so lucky when it comes to cancer, and our family is eternally grateful.

Let’s talk about it.

I remember where I was standing the day that I got the call. A grossly uncommon occurrence, my phone was ringing, the caller ID displaying my friend’s husband. In the twelve years they’ve been married, I can count on two fingers the times he’s phoned me. This being one of them.

My friend was in the hospital. She’d swallowed a half-bottle of pills, drank a bottle of wine, slit her wrists and laid down in the bath tub to wait to die.

It was July 1st, Canada Day (three years ago). There were fireworks going off in the background as I heard him explaining to me what had happened. And, as sad as it sounds, this was my first time hearing that she even suffered from depression. She’d never told me and I had never asked.

Lesson learned.

I hopped on the plane 24 hours later and went to see her. With guilt in my gut and sadness in my heart, I wasn’t really sure what to expect.

She spent almost three months in the hospital. Seeing her there, barely there, heavily medicated, being watched like a hawk to ensure she didn’t try to hurt herself again, that was hard on me. And if it was hard on me, I can’t imagine how hard it was on her.

Over the next three months, during the periods of time in which she got access to her phone, I learned the extent to which she’d been suffering. I also learned the extent to which she was still suffering as the doctors mixed and matched medications to help her feel better, and the side effects they came with.

If you don’t ask, you just never know. The problem with never asking is that you don’t think about it. And you need to think about it. It’s not pleasant. It’s not happy, but it needs to be talked about.

I carry around a lot of guilt over not knowing how much my friend was suffering. And the stupid thing is, I know it’s not about me. It’s really not. It’s about her. I owed it to her to check on her. I owed it to her to be an ear for her to talk to. And I wasn’t there.

Never again.

Let’s talk about it.

Seriously.

When I ask you what’s wrong, I want you to be truthful with me. No matter how awful, no matter how dark, I want to know.

Being able to take those deep, dark, depressing thoughts from the far corners of your brain and let them out into the universe, it helps. I’m not saying that it solves everything, but it definitely helps. And people who are suffering, they need peace… no matter how small of a dose it comes in.

If you know me, you know that I’m the type of person (now) who’ll ask how you’re doing… one, two, three… maybe even four times. That’s on purpose. I want to know how you’re doing. There’s no motive behind it. I just want the truth. Life ain’t always pretty… and it need not be painted that way. I want the people in my life to know that I’m the person you don’t always have to be happy towards.

Sometimes you just need to have an angry phone call where all that you talk about is the things that suck, depress you or piss you off.

Sometimes, you really just need someone to listen.

I want to be that person who people know will listen. I want more people to be that person who people know will listen to them. I want more people to be that person that you know will listen to you.

The way I see it, we could all do a little better with ourselves and others if we just listened.

Let’s talk about it. Let’s talk with the people we love about everything. Not jut the positives, but all of the negatives. Because peace of mind is important, no matter how small the dose.

Words are hard.

I’ve been staring at this screen for the past thirty minutes. I’ve written, deleted, rewritten and re-deleted all of my thoughts this evening. Why? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting change.

My thoughts don’t even seem worthy of putting into words tonight. I’m not anxious, I’m just in a mood. Things are annoying me. I can’t seem to wrap my head around what I want. I have so many ideas and none of them ever seem to come to fruition.

Lately I’ve been thinking it might be nice to just go into business for myself. You know… start a consulting firm and charge people oodles of money for my services. Wow, I can’t believe I said that out loud (so to speak). The entire concept sounds so stupid, yet so exhilarating. I know my worth. I possess such a unique skill set that I know I could bring immense value to any company that I worked for, yet for one reason or another they just don’t seem to hire me. Perhaps I should flip the coin, take control of the situation and charge the heck out of them for my services. I’m not sure that I’ll tell anyone this. At least not now. More than anything it’s a pipe dream at the moment. Perhaps one day.

Until then, I think I’ll just stay hopeful. Hopeful for success, hopeful for a future, hopeful for a day when cell phones aren’t twice as much as laptops, hopeful for happiness.

Hey Knight, if you’re reading this, I think that we should go to Vegas for my birthday. I’m saying this now so that you can take days off.

Hello old friend, we meet again.

I’m not writing this from home today. I’m not even writing this from a Starbucks or a quaint little cafe, where I’d love to be right now. I’m writing this from the waiting room at the hospital.

My mom is really sick right now. Actually, she’s been sick since her treatments stopped. But, the doctors informed us that would be the case as her body tries to regenerate/recuperate with good cells after all she’s been through with treatments and surgeries the past few months. Today, though. Today was different. Today was next level.

I’m not sure if it’s the stress of the news we were hit with yesterday, or if it was just a reaction that was already coming and she could’t see it yet, but either way, she needed to see some experts. Last night, when the onslaught of the sickness really kicked in, I begged her to go and see a doctor and she assured me that it was, as the doctor’s noted, her body recuperating. This morning when she woke up, that was a different story.

So here I sit, in the hospital waiting room for a few minutes. She’s being run through some tests, having some scans done, and… honestly, I’m really not sure what else. I’ll leave that to the doctors and nurses. They’re the professionals and they can tell us what happens/happened when they’re done.

I’m just hoping that she’s okay.

That’s all for now.

Mental Health Awareness Month

Hey Self,

I know you’ve been a little down lately. I know you’re struggling. I know that things really don’t seem like they’re ever going to turn around for the better. Please here me when I say this: KEEP GOING.

Please, keep going.

There will come a time when this will all be a distant memory. There will come a time when you smile because you want to, not because you have to. Most importantly, there will come a time when you are happy, again. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but trust me when I say this, you will be happy again.

When you feel sad, remember that the sun always shines after the rain… even in Vancouver. When you don’t want to go out in public, force yourself to. Being around people is good for you. And when people annoy you, practice patience. Why? Because no one is perfect, and there are presently people in this world practicing their patience on you.

Don’t be wary of the people who want to help. Whether they love you, they have a saviors complex, or just want a project, an offer of help is an offer of help. Appreciate the offer for what it is. Also, please don’t alienate yourself from people who do not understand. If they’ve never been through it, it may be hard for them to understand, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care. Education is far more important than alienation. If you can help even one person to understand it, that’s one more person to have in your corner.

Look after yourself. Don’t ever be afraid to treat yourself. Make decisions that are going to benefit you, make you smile or contribute to your happiness. You deserve it. You deserve the whole world… and then some. So please don’t let your brain tell you otherwise.

Cry. Cry when you want to. Whenever you want to. Tears are not a bad thing. Far from it. So don’t ever be afraid to shed tears if you need to.

Speaking of your brain, please don’t ever let it win. I know it’s hard. Sometimes it can feel as though the negativity is all you can see, but trust me, there is good in there. Your brain does not control you, and it does not define you. Your choices define you. Make the choice to not let your brain win.

Exercise is important. Integral… to your well being. When all you want to do is lay in bed and hide from the world, tell yourself that 30 minutes is enough to make a difference. Because 30 minutes is enough to make a difference. You’ve got this. So do this.

Lastly, be yourself. Who you are is enough. Who you are is fucking amazing. Remind yourself that you are a warrior and that you can get through anything. One day, when this is all a distant memory, you’ll look back on this time and realize how much strength you have, how much growth you’ve been through and all the crap you’re truly capable of getting through.

Love yourself.

Respect yourself.

Just keep going.

Sincerely, Me.

Adventures in job hunting (the saga continues)

If there’s one thing that I absolutely hate in life, it’s being lied to. Just be honest. There’s no reason not to. If you’re trying to hide something then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

This morning, I went to a job interview at ‘Company X’. Company X advertised a marketing position on their website, that, when I read the description, I thought I could do well at. My degree is in Marketing with a Minor in Economics. I’ve been working Public Relations for the past decade, so when it comes to skills, I’ve got the vast majority of the Marketing/Communications sector covered.

What a fucking waste of time this morning was for me.

Flash back to last week – When I applied for the position, I noticed that the job description was incredibly vague. That being said, I applied for it anyway, excited of the prospect of landing a marketing role.

The position title: “Marketing Executive”

The position description:

  • Work with local businesses to understand their business cycle and their advertising needs 
  • Work with local businesses and non-profits to design an advertising campaign to meet targets 
  • Provide on-going support to ensure optimal client service 
  • Ongoing awareness of our clients’ day to day challenges 
  • Receivables control 

Vague, right? But, I thought that in my current state I should apply and see what happened. A marketing role could be good for me right now, and if they selected me for an interview, I could ask them the questions I wanted at the interview to learn more about the job.

There’s one GIANT bullet point missing from the job description. The actual position description should be:

  • We are looking for a Sales Representative. This position is 100% sales based.

That’s right. The actual position has nothing to do with marketing. The actual position doesn’t have to do with businesses marketing or advertising needs. They have a team for that. They just want someone to sell companies – and bring in revenue.

The interviewer asks “What experience do yo have in sales?” None. I have no experience in sales. You know this. Why? Because you read my resume. You knew this when you called me last week and requested an interview. Why would I think I need sales experience… it’s listed nowhere in the job description or title.

Working with local business to determine advertising needs, to me, means that you sit down with the boss and find out what he/she wants their brand to be portrayed as. Working with local business to determine advertising needs does not mean cold calling all over town to beg people to purchase advertising. You know this, and you purposely left it off of the job description because you know if people knew the full truth about this position whilst it was posted online, no one would apply.

Furthermore, what I learned today: the position has no salary, it’s 100% sales commission paid. Therefore, if you sell something you get 10% of whatever sold. He says “To put that in perspective, if you sell $300,000 in revenue in a year, you’re going to make about $30,000.”

Are you fucking kidding me? Who is going to sell $300,000 in revenue in this industry… in this town? We’re not in Vancouver or Toronto. We’re in a town in the middle of nowhere with a limited customer base and even more limited audience.

You’re required to work 8-5 Monday to Friday, but you don’t get paid unless you make sales. That’s fine – then advertise this as a fucking sales position, not as a marketing position.

One other thing I learned was that they have teams to put together advertising needs and desires for clients. Yeah, all those bullet points up there about working with clients to determine their needs… they have a team for that. They literally just want someone to go out and do the sales.

My final question for them this morning was if they have a database to work off of for potential customers/people to start with. No. They don’t. Whomever takes on this role has to create the database of potential customers through cold calling. They quite literally have NOTHING set up for this position.

Why would I waste my time with this?

If you can’t even be honest on your job description you post online, why do you think anyone would want to work for you? You know you’re creating a ridiculous ask of any incumbent and that’s why you lied about the position in the job description you posted.

I won’t be speaking to Company X ever again.

In the words of Ariana Grande… thank u, next.

Repeat after me: You can do this.

If we were meant to stay in one place, we’d have roots instead of feet.

Rachel Wolchin

Solo travel: where to start.

‘Why don’t you take someone with you?’ I was asked.

Truthfully, I just want to feel empowered with myself. Like I don’t have to rely on the likes of someone else to feel happy, or safe, or secure. I just want to know that I am enough to keep myself company, to keep myself occupied and to make myself smile.

Solo travel is an intimidating thought.

Honest truth: I don’t believe in myself. At least, not right now. It sucks to admit that, but it’s true. I rely on other people for validation and that scares me.

One of the reasons why I am going to do this trip alone is that I want to face the challenges it presents on my own. I want to see if I am capable of looking after myself. Because if I am being fully honest with myself today, I’m scared. I’m scared that I can’t do it. That’s why I am going to do it though. I need to do this in order to know whether or not I am capable.

I want to believe in myself again. Will I get that belief out of one solo-trip? Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s a start. And everyone has got to start somewhere.

Wish me luck!