Meeting was a success

The meeting went really great.

It was unlike anything I’ve ever experience before. By that I mean that I’ve dealt with agreements and arrangements that are supposed to stay hush-hush, but I’ve never actually been involved with something that’s completely confidential and classified to the extent that I can’t even tell my coworkers.

A few weeks back I mentioned that I was hoping to expand the reach of the company (here) and if this deal goes through, that could triple… possibly even quadruple the reach I’ve been aiming for.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, but my hopes are up.

I want this.

It’s funny, this is something that is so hush-hush, I don’t even think I could tell my family. It’s not like I could ever have bragging rights for it, at least no publicly. But I want personal bragging rights. I want to be able to stand in front of the mirror and say ‘yeah, I did that’.

As of right now, it’s more like ‘yeah, we’re half way there’.

Fingers crossed.

Toes crossed.

Everything crossed.

Now I’m going to enjoy the office being closed for Easter. I’ve got a few days planned of doing absolutely nothing.

New life, who dis?

I woke up this morning at peace… with myself, with the universe, with life. It seems like things might actually be turning around for me. (Knocks on wood) It seems like maybe what I’ve wanted for so long might actually be attainable. It seems like things are good, for a change. (Again, knocking on wood)

It feels a bit like I’ve won the lottery in a sense. I’ve never needed a lot to make me happy and now that I feel like I might actually get all of it, I don’t know how to accept it. Is that weird? I feel like I don’t deserve it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful. I’m counting my lucky stars. I’m so, so, so grateful. I’m just worried the other shoe is going to drop.

For now, though… I’m just going to enjoy it, appreciate it and soak it all in. Loving my life and the people who are in it.

Day eight: running on fumes

Eight days seems like a lifetime when you’re not working.

It’s been eight days since I was sanctimoniously fired from my job of six-and-a-half years. Eight morning’s of wondering what I’m going to do with my life. Eight afternoon’s of anger, frustration and sadness, wondering what I’m going to do with my life. The most difficult to deal with of them all, eight night’s laying awake in bed wondering what it is I’m going to do with my life.

It’s safe to say that I’m not enjoying life right now.

Answering the phone seems to be an arduous task these days. Everyone has their opinions of what it is that I need to do next and everyone seems to believe they know what’s best. None of them seem to take into consideration what it is that I want.

Checking emails also seems to be a dreaded chore. When the subject line reads: “You’re 30 years old, get your life in order”, I can’t help but roll my eyes and leave it unread in my inbox.

I’m trying to figure my life out. But, as with all things in life, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Sometimes you have to go through struggle and sadness in order to determine what is really important. Sometimes it takes more than five days, six days, or eight days.

I guess I should be thankful. Actually, I am thankful. I am thankful that they care. I just wish that they would be a little more helpful and a little less anxiety-inducing in their caring. The death of a career, something you’ve seemingly spent you’re entire life working towards, it’s not an easy pill to swallow. I don’t have answers. I don’t have plans.

For now the plan is to keep everyone at bay. At least until I have more answers.

Currently feeling: whiny, sad, angry

-V