Story time: The office frat-boy

So, I work for a company filled with computer programmers and scientists. It’s actually a reality that’s quite similar to the Big Bang Theory if you’ve ever seen that show. Most people in the office put me to shame from an intelligence standpoint, but from a social skills standpoint, holding conversations with them is often quite hard.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re all extremely good people. Well, most of them are extremely good people. But they’re scientists and programmers, so they’re awkward. Awkward and hard to carry on conversations with.

Anyways, there’s one guy, Axel (cool name, I know…) who is one of the rare creatures in the office blessed with intelligence and social interaction skills. Axel has not one but TWO PhDs, and upon first glance can seem quite charismatic. The problem with Axel lies within going beyond what’s at the surface to realize that he’s a fucking asshole, and, surprisingly, a massive idiot for having two PhDs.

Axel has terrible luck with women. He doesn’t realize that the terrible luck that he has with women has to do with him being an idiot when it comes to anything that isn’t related to either of his PhDs, and also, the fact that he’s an asshole. So every morning we have to hear stories about how dating is so hard for him and how he understands why men just sleep around because women are so difficult.

Because, you know, respect and kindness is a whole lot to ask for from a man…

Anyways, we have this internal forum for our staff that serves a multitude of purposes, some work related, some not. It’s like a discord server but it was built by our programmers so it’s got a lot more functionality geared towards our company (several dozen people in offices in three different countries). For the purpose of this story, let’s just call it a discord. One of the functions that Axel likes to take advantage of on the discord is the blog.

He’s created this series called ‘Forever alone with Axel’ in which he makes blog posts all about his dating life. In these blog posts he goes into painstakingly stupid detail all about how awful his dating life is.

Keeping in mind that these posts are seen by dozens of employees from three different offices in three different countries, Axel tells stories about how he was afraid to call one girl back because he went to her house to hook up with her, got a sudden case of explosive diarrhea and made a mess of her bathroom then left without saying goodbye while she was laying naked in her room waiting for him. He also tells stories like a somewhat recent blog post he made in which he went on a date with a girl who he felt had bad breath. He asked if they could stop at the store on their way to where they were headed and he proceeded to go and buy mouth wash, give it to her in the car and say ‘A present for you! Don’t say that I never bought you anything’.

His most recent story is about how he took a girl on a date this past weekend and they went to a cafe and sat on the patio, socially distanced style. Whilst on this patio chatting a girl that he’s previously hooked up with was walking by and she stopped to exchange pleasantries. Axel invited her to stay and sit and chat with them (yes, he interrupted their date by inviting a girl to stay whom he’d previously had sex with). I’m 150% certain the way that he tells the story is not the reality of what happened, but either way, the girl who he was supposed to be on a date with went home. So, he took the girl he’d previously hooked up with home with him and hooked up with her. After sex, whilst he was asleep, she got up and left. And she’s been ghosting him since. So, when he couldn’t get in contact with her, he decided he was going to call the girl he originally went on a date with to ask if she wanted to go on a second date. The post goes on to explain that he doesn’t understand why the girl wouldn’t agree to a second date and that he also doesn’t understand why she was mad. At the end of the post he suggests that perhaps the hook-up who left him in the middle of the night is just busy and she plans on calling him back later this week, and that he hopes that’s the case because she is ‘amazing in the sack’.

Completely appropriate things to be sharing on a public forum for all of your coworkers to see, right?

Several times a week we hear remarks about how women are so difficult, smack dab in the middle of our meetings. Or he’ll ask passive aggressive questions to the females in the conversation asking us why we’re so difficult or why we make things so hard for men.

He needs an intervention.

  1. To tell him to stop sharing all of this information in a company forum for all of his coworkers to see because it’s both not appropriate and people don’t care about his shitty love life, or lack thereof. (I guess you could say that I do care based on this post and my admitting to reading it, but I would suggest that I read his posts because it’s a lot like a car accident… you don’t want to look but you can’t look away)
  2. To tell him that he’s a fucking idiot and if he tried common sense, respect, kindness, he’d probably have a lot more luck with the female gender.
  3. To tell him that we’re(females) not that hard to figure out so long as you’re not talking to us in the passive aggressive equivalent of a subtweet.
  4. To remind him that it really doesn’t matter how many PhDs he has, if he’s an asshole people aren’t going to like him.

He really may just end up being one of those men who is ‘forever alone’. I don’t mean that in the dramatic sense, I just mean that in the… ‘there comes a point in life when you have to realize you’re a fucking idiot’ sense, and I don’t know that he ever will. He’s this weird mix of overly-cocky, overly-intelligent, overly-social but completely inept at understanding social cues.

He’s a weird mixture of Sheldon, Howard and Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack from the Big Bang Theory. Intelligent, cocky and really fucking stupid.

lol

Someone from our Middle East office asked if he was living in a romantic comedy and he said ‘No. I can’t be. At least in the romantic comedy the guy ends up with the girl in the end. Me, I never get the girl’.

I wonder why…

It couldn’t be because you go on a date with a girl and take a completely different girl home that night to have sex with, could it?