I want to talk about faults.

Because I have a lot of them. And I’m a firm believer that, in this life, if you own who you are (both the good and the bad) that is how you lead a fulfilled life. Being self-aware is also a means to get better.

When I talk about my faults, I don’t do it to be self-deprecating. I don’t do it for pity, or for people to feel sorry for me. I do it because I have a keen understanding of who I am and I do not believe that you can work past your faults or through your struggles if you do not own them. And I want to bet a better person.

  • I get angry easily. In life, in traffic, in line at the grocery store… and it’s not always easy for me to let it go.
  • I have a hard time forgiving. And I never forget. Things tend to haunt me, rather than me being able to move on.
  • I’m cranky sometimes. Actually, if you talked to any of my exes, they’d probably tell you it’s more than sometimes.
  • I’m a bit of a pushover. I have a hard time standing up for myself. A lot of the time I just say it’s not worth it, and as a result, people tend to treat me like shit. Which is probably a big contributor to my low self-esteem.
  • I swear far too much. Sometimes I can help it and sometimes I cannot. But either way, I’m aware of how often I swear. And I get really angry at myself when I do it front of kids.
  • I’m insecure about a lot of things. My intelligence, my appearance, my ability… to name a couple of things.
  • I like things to be my way. And I don’t always handle it well if I don’t get my way. Again, my exes could probably attest to this.
  • I let my social anxiety keep me from experiencing the things in life I dream of doing.
  • I don’t trust. But I am also too trusting at the same time.
  • I shop too much. I think that things will fulfill me when I know that’s not the case. But alas, here I am with all of these things that don’t bring me the happiness I am looking for. And, in the grand scheme of things, I don’t have all that much. Knowing that almost makes me more sad.
  • I use the faults and the hardships of others to boost my own confidence. And that makes me a shitty fucking person.

Growth. while it has always been something I’ve sought, is something that’s become more important to me this year than ever before. I want to be better. I want to work through my faults to become a better person – the best person that I can be.

My inherent flaws have become abundantly clear to me to the point that I can no longer avoid them.

I need to be better. Perhaps if I tell more people about it, I’ll be more inclined to make changes in my life to actually be better and not just talk about it…