08-08-21

I have deep-rooted intense fears of failure. It’s really difficult for me to admit to that, but there are a lot of aspects of my life that I allow to be dictated by the prospect of safety, security and of not rocking the proverbial boat.

I have always tried to project to this world that I’m fearless, that I truly do believe I can do anything. Truth-be-told, that’s definitely not the case. I’m incredibly insecure and I struggle with finding the confidence to really put myself out there.

Let’s talk about a “for instance” or two… or twenty.

I’m presently trying to design a lead-generation website. I’ve been working on it since late May. I should’ve been done by down. I should’ve been done a long time ago. But, I can’t. I’m struggling every step of the way. I know what lucrative structure lead generation is, and I know that it’s quite literally some of the most passive income you can make, and I’m struggling. This should be easy for me. Why is it so hard? Why isn’t it done yet? I understand website design. I understand SEO. I understand Google Ads to put my Lead Gen at the top of Google. Why am I not done?

I’ve been talking for over a year about starting a podcast. I want to start a podcast because I like to talk, and talking on a podcast seems like a great medium to share long-form content when I’m struggling to write. I also know some really cool people with crazy stories and crazy careers. I thought that I could leverage my relationships with said people to make sure the podcast isn’t boring being only myself (roadblock one). I finally have a microphone that provides quality sound that I can sit down and record and I’ve rediscovered how much I hate my voice (roadblock two). I actually made the first episode. And… I’ve never let anyone hear it. I don’t know that I will ever let anyone hear it. I don’t even want it to become something that turns into something where tons of people hear it. I’d be happy if like 20 people listened to it in a week. But I also don’t want those 20 people thinking ‘Damn, she’s an idiot’, or ‘Damn, her voice is annoying’. So I stop myself from doing something that I want to do. Why can’t I just allow myself?

I know that I need a new resume. I know that I want to find a new and better job. I desire a job with a better pay structure and fairer treatment. Every time I sit down to work on my resume, though, I get overwhelmed. That feeling of being overwhelmed, it stops me from actually writing a new resume. 2021 has taught me a lot about the difference between knowing what you’re worth, and what your company thinks you’re worth, or tries to tell you that you’re worth. All that being said, my company has acknowledged they’re not paying me nearly enough for the industry standard, and that they know I’m worth more, but that they won’t ever be giving me that. So, I need to find my own way out. Why am I not writing my resume? I know that I need to.

Some days it feels as though I can’t get out of my own head. Some days it seems like it’s all I can do to just function like a normal human being. Then, then I start to feel sorry for myself. Then I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself when I’m clearly capable. I don’t doubt my abilities. I fear failure. Which is crazy.

Some days I truly wish I could get out of my own head. I’d probably be a lot more successful in life if I did.