Anxiety is

Anxiety is waking up with a fear that something is wrong, without having talked to anyone or seen the world outside of your bedroom. There need not be proof, or even an explanation, that fear that something is wrong always takes over.

Anxiety is jumping to the worst case scenario without reason, rhyme or hesitation because you can’t do anything but. It’s second nature. Actually, it’s first nature. It’s what you do, no matter how hard you try to break the habit.

Anxiety is being worried that you’re going to say the wrong thing to someone who really doesn’t care one way or another.

Anxiety is needing to check one, or two, or maybe even three more times to make sure that you locked the door when you leave.

Anxiety is trying to deescalate the angry customer at the register ahead of you because, while nothing is likely to go wrong, there’s always that ‘what if’ running through the back of your mind.

Anxiety is not wanting to answer the phone if it’s not in your recognized callers list because… how did they get my phone number?

Anxiety is wanting to go, getting ready to go, but not allowing yourself to step foot out that door.

Anxiety is staying quiet, biting your tongue and keeping out of the discussion or argument because… people will think you’re an idiot if they hear your opinions. They likely won’t, but you think they will and that’s enough to keep your mouth shut.

Anxiety is laying awake at night because this isn’t done and that isn’t done, she hasn’t called and he hasn’t checked in, something isn’t right and while you just can’t quite put your finger on it, you know that you don’t get to.

Anxiety is not believing you’re good enough for them, to be around them or to be loved by them. It really doesn’t matter if you actually are, you’ll never feel good enough.

Anxiety is pretending to be self-deprecating so people don’t think you’re quite as insulting towards yourself as you are.

Anxiety is not being able to explain it to them because, you know it’s irrational, so how could they possible understand?

Anxiety is believing in your heart of hearts that the stranger three tables away, who glanced at you for three seconds, is judging you. Whether it’s your appearance, your mannerisms or your clothing, or ANYTHING else, they’re just judging you.

Anxiety is believing the worst in people because it’s better to believe the worst in people and be prepared than to believe the best and be disappointed, heartbroken or hurt physically, mentally or emotionally.

Anxiety is so hard to explain. It’s… debilitating, frustrating, all encompassing, difficult to see past, through or around. The fight or flight, the constant sense of fear, it’s different for everyone, and I think that’s why people have such a hard time trying to understand. You can’t wish it away, you can only learn to cope. And hopefully, if you’re lucky, if you’re really, truly luck, someone in your life will bear with you and try to help/ease your mind.

Tackling my triggers.

This month there are several things that have been giving me anxiety. And, instead of hiding from them, I have decided that I am going to tackle them. I may not get them all accomplished, but I am for darn sure going to try and work through them.

Things that are currently giving me anxiety.

  1. Applying for Employment Insurance
  2. Applying for independent health-care benefits
  3. Completing my 2018 taxes
  4. Finding a new job.

The list is not that long and doesn’t seem all that daunting. But, EI basically makes you commit to promising your first born child in exchange for EI payments. The form was very overwhelming and took a full hour to complete.

Also, due to my ongoing issues with my sinuses I am running into more medical needs. Thankfully, being Canadian, a lot of things are covered. But, there are still things that aren’t covered. I had convinced myself that I was going to apply for health-care benefits from a provider on my own, but, when I sat down to fill out the form they wanted a listing of all of the medicine I have been prescribed in the past year. I got scared they’d see all the times that I’ve been prescribed medication (that didn’t help), think that i am a risk and not provide me benefits. So, I clicked away from the form and have been hiding from it since.

Taxes are something that I have always had my mom help me with. It sounds dumb – I should do my own taxes. But, my mom always helped me with it every year, so, I always let her! This year, she’s undergoing treatment for cancer and is really more sick than anything else at the moment. The idea of completing these myself is really daunting. It shouldn’t be daunting, but it is.

And the job. Oh, the job. This is a frustrating piece to my list because of the fact that it really feels as though a university degree isn’t worth all that much anymore. Nevermind the actual experience I’ve been collecting over the past decade. I am pushing myself into this label of ‘token unemployed millennial’ that is making me feel like a deadbeat. I know that all I can do is keep going. But, it’s daunting.

Here’s to facing my fears and trying to get through this.