Same old same

Monday, February 3

Good Morning Greg,

Just checking in! Is the hiring process for this position still ongoing or has it been filled. Look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks, Vee

Later that day…

Good Afternoon Vee,

Thanks for checking in.

We haven’t hired anyone yet.  Still have some decisions to make, but hopefully will have it worked out by the end of this week.

Someone will follow up with you either way.

Greg

Tuesday, February 4th

Greg phones me to ask a ‘few more questions’ because he wanted to ‘really get a feel for the skills I bring to the table’. It was a short conversation but it was just enough to keep me hoping. He ended the phone call by telling me someone would be in touch by end of week letting me know their decision, either way.

Monday, February 10th

Good Morning Greg,

I didn’t hear anything last week so I wanted to check in. How’s the process coming along? I’m very interested in this position and want to make sure I don’t miss an opportunity.

Please let me know!

Thanks, Vee

Later that day…

Good Afternoon Vee,

We hit a bit of a snag that’s delayed our ability to make a final decision. We’ll be in touch by Friday with our final decision.

Greg

Friday, February 14th

Suspecting (from experience over the past couple of weeks) that I wasn’t going to hear from them today, I decided to email them.

Hi Greg,

I was wondering if you could possibly update me. Am I still being considered for this position or not?

Vee

Ten minutes ago…

Hi Vee,

The position was actually filled on Monday and the candidate has already started with us. Good look with your career endeavors.

Greg

I don’t want to shit on hiring managers but this needs to be said. WHAT THE FUCK? Why do they do this? Don’t tell a candidate you’re going to be in touch if you’re not going to be in touch. Don’t fucking lie and say you’ve ‘hit a snag’ if you’re making an offer. Even I can come up with a better lie than ‘we’ve hit a snag’. And then to, five days later, let me know that you flat out lied five days earlier… I just…

He didn’t have to lie. He didn’t. If he didn’t want to tell me he’d made an offer, there were a million other ways he could have handled that situation. He chose to lie and say they hadn’t made a decision.

Why are candidates expected to jump through hoops for companies that can’t even provide the common decency to say ‘Hey, we hired someone’. I had four interviews with this company. FOUR INTERVIEWS. After four interviews was I really someone who wasn’t worthy of following up with?Why do they promise they’ll reach out ‘either way’ and then never reach out? Are they afraid of having to reject people? Because of that’s the fucking case they’re in the wrong job and I’ll gladly take that job off their hands. I’ll reject people all day long if it can give some job hunters some peace of fucking mind that they don’t have to wait for word that’s never coming.

It’s 2020 and ghosting is common practice in hiring, it seems.

I’m mad. But I’m not mad. I’m just… so used to this bullshit at this point. I’ve become so accustomed to shitty treatment, lies and misleading messages that if I ever found an honest hiring manager, I probably wouldn’t believe them anyways.

Why do I bother getting my hopes up when it always ends up the same?

When it rains it pours.

I’m typing this on my dad’s computer. My computer went kaput yesterday. I’m less than impressed about it. My computer has thousands of dollars worth of design and editing software on it, so it’s really not just as simple as wandering down to the store and purchasing a new laptop. Replacing this computer is going to cost an arm and a leg.

I’ve ordered a new battery for it, I am hoping that might help. The battery has to come from the United States though, so it might be a while. In the mean time, I’ll be trying to use my dad’s computer, or, my phone. I’m going to try to stay away from my phone though because when I used my phone my spelling goes from bad to absolutely horrendous.

I’m being dramatic. I know that. But… I use my computer for a lot. It’s a piece of me. And I really, really, don’t want to have to replace it. Thus, I’m pouting today.

I didn’t get the job.

In response up to: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow – I didn’t get the job.

I’m not really sure what to say on the matter. It’s obviously not the outcome that I wanted. It’s obviously not the outcome that I thought was going to happen. I got my hopes up for this. I really thought this was it, this was my opportunity for growth, for a my next career move, to work for an organization that didn’t break the law and ask me to cover it up. There were so many bonuses to working in this office and I’m kicking myself right now because I don’t get any of them.

I can’t even be mad. I’m not mad. It’s an incredible company and I know they’ve got to do what they feel is right for them. I just can’t help but feel as though they made the wrong choice. And, in their making the wrong choice, I’ve lost out.

It sucks. It really does.

All of my worst fears seem to be coming to fruition. I’m too qualified to work in retail, not qualified to work at these jobs that I’ve been working towards for a decade. Job hunting sucks. It really does. I’m squandering all of my talents and there’s nothing I can do about that.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

On starting over at 30

12:03 p.m.

I feel sick.

2:18 p.m.

I still can’t do it.

5:00 p.m.

Text message from my mom: “Just remember you’re worth. Don’t you ever forget that.”

8:57 p.m.

Wow.

Okay.

Where do I start? Words are escaping me at the moment. Everything is escaping me at the moment. The life that I thought I knew, the plans that I thought I had, they fell through my fingertips faster than granules of sand on the California Coast.

I can’t do this right now. I’ll take this up later.

12:57 a.m.

It’s crazy to me, the fact that the people you love most in this world have the capability to hurt you the most.

Perhaps I’m just too trusting. Perhaps I put my faith where I shouldn’t have.

3:29 a.m.

Holy fucking hell. (Please excuse my language. Nothing else seems a worthy description of the present state of my brain)

4:45 a.m.

Still awake.

6:30 a.m.

That alarm came a lot earlier than I wanted it to.

7:30 a.m.

Okay, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to spit this out.

3:38 p.m.

A song came on radio just now and I burst out into tears.

“They say “Love is more precious than gold”
Can’t be bought and it can’t be sold
I got love enough to spare
That makes me a millionaire”

Chris Stapleton

10:30 p.m.

The past 48 hours of my life have been exceptionally trying. This whole year, through everything that has happened, I’ve not once thought of myself as a loser, until today. I had an awakening today. I am a loser. I am. And I think it’s time that I start facing the very real reality that has become my life in 2019. I don’t say this in a self-deprecating way, or in a way that wants pity. I’m just trying to be real with myself.

I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m questioning everything that I’ve ever done, especially that in the past two days. I had plans. I had a future. I had everything I ever wanted and it slipped through my fingers in the blink of an eye.

I don’t want to be here… in this place. Both literally and metaphorically. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened. I love you. I will always love you. I hope that you’re able to find some peace.

How did I get to this place? I did everything right. Every fucking thing. I got the degree. I chased the career. I was a nice person. I tried to be a good person. We all have flaws, but somehow, I don’t know, perhaps I was a serial killer in my past life.

So where am I at?

The reality with my life right now is that I have no plan, no job, no home. I am 30 years old and I am a loser. Two weeks ago I was the one in the cab telling a complete stranger that it’s never too late to start over, and now I’m realizing that perhaps I should have been telling myself that all along.

I need to start over. I know that. I need a Plan B. Actually, I think at this point I’m probably running on Plan F? Motivation, Vee. You’re responsible for motivating yourself from now on.It’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting your shit together.

I never thought I’d be in this place in my life, but I’m sure that’s what everyone says right before they start over. So, I’m going to revert back to a quote I shared with a cab driver two weeks ago:

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Here’s to starting over. I’m 30 years old and I need to make a new life. I’m scared.