On ‘happiness’.

You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lies on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the gentlest manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and involuntarily, a grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn’t get any better than this.

Do not let your fire go out.

A lonely, naive, younger version of myself once read a quote in a book that has been turning over in my mind ever since.

“The graveyard is the richest place on earth, because it is here that you will find all the hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled, the books that were never written, the songs that were never sung, the inventions that were never shared, the cures that were never discovered, all because someone was too afraid to take that first step, keep with the problem, or determined to carry out their dream.”

Les Brown

If ever there were motivation to lead a full life, to not question your capabilities and to chase your dreams, this is it. Reading this was just so sad. It’s absolutely true, which I think is why it’s so sad.

So many people don’t go after what they want in life because they’re conditioned to a life of security and conformity. They believe that what they have is all they will ever get. At the same time so many people don’t go after what they want in life because they’re afraid of the uncertain, the unknown and believe that all that could be out there for them is pain.

When I think of all of the reasons to not try – things that aren’t always within someone’s control, I can’t help but think there are so many more reasons to try.

There are days when my anxiety is absolutely debilitating, and I know I am not the only one to feel that way. And there are people in this world who are really suffering horrendous situations that I could not fathom, nor understand. But, they’re still trying. And me, I’m going to keep going. Even when my anxiety is telling me to not get out of bed. I don’t want to be one of those lost souls in the graveyard with the unwritten book. And I don’t want to think about all of the unmet potential laying in graveyards around the world. I want to be known for encouraging my friends and family to go after what they want in life.

So, to follow up one sad but true quote with a powerful and true quote, the moral of this story is:

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it’s yours.

Ayn Rand

International day of Happiness

According to twitter, today is #InternationalDayofHappiness. So, I obviously can’t pass up the celebration of an internet made holiday, and to celebrate, I have been reminding myself of all of the positives and good things I have in my life right now.

  • The most amazing coral-coloured dozen roses that are presently sitting in the front windowsill of this house. ❤
  • Two adoring chihuahuas who follow me everywhere I go and try to protect me from everything, including the big bad birds in the back yard, the noises of the furnace, and potential monsters under the bed. #ChihuahuaGang
  • Five straight days of incredible weather. Seriously, I haven’t seen the sun this much in six months. The beautiful and warm weather is giving me all sorts of positive vibes these days. Everyone needs some Vitamin D every now and again.
  • My ‘Millennial Life Crisis’ t-shirts. I made t-shirts out of the logo that I made for this website, my instagram and twitter and honestly, I love them so much. Every time I see them I’m like ‘Yeah, that’s mine’ and I’m filled with a weird sense of pride. It’s cheesy, I know. I made my own shirts!
  • A new job prospect. I don’t want to say too much because I am honestly trying to not get my hopes too high, but I would love to be back to work soon.
  • A gluten-free cake currently baking in the oven.

There’s more. A lot more. When I stop to think about it, I’m pretty blessed, even in spite of all of the crap going on. I guess it just goes to show, though, there’s always a bright side – you just have to choose to see it. Gratitude, always.

Stop wasting time, start getting things done.

It can be exceptionally easy to plop yourself down on the couch and kiss a few hours of a day goodbye, if you allow yourself.

I have an exceptionally easy time putting off tasks. I can waste the day away, I can waste a week away without even thinking twice about it. And lately I am realizing that I can’t be like that anymore.

For a lot of people, wasting time is not even about laziness. There isn’t so much a desire to just lay on the couch and waste the day away. For a lot of people, deep down, there’s an anxious mind propagating fears. The fears of messing up that keep us from even starting a task in the process, this is what contributes greatly to wasting time. I have a lot of those fears, and I have them often.

Note to self: stop wasting time, start getting things done.

  • Ask yourself ‘why?’ Why am I procrastinating? Do I know how to start? Do I know where to start? D I have the courage to do this, to get things done and to not stop until it’s complete? Don’t be afraid to ask yourself the hard questions.

Too many people live with the notion that if it can’t be done perfectly then it shouldn’t be done at all. This is wrong.

  • Don’t aim for perfection. Aim to get things done. Once progress has already begun, or a task has already been completed, it is much easier to edit or reorganize your work after the fact.
  • Clear distractions from your life. If having the tv on is going to cause you to lose focus, put the remote away. If having your laptop on is going to distract you, put your laptop under your bed. Don’t allow yourself the opportunity to get distracted.
  • Write shit down. Write it all down. Write down what you need to get done, and hey, if you can, write down some things you’ve already done. There’s a certain catharsis that comes from being able to cross something off your to do list. Just seeing something crossed off will provide you added motivation to cross more off.
  • Give yourself a window of time. Be it ten minutes, be it an hour, be it a day or a week or whatever time frame you give yourself, set a time limit. If you have a limit of time in which you can get things done, you will be more inclined to finish things before your deadline.
  • Celebrate your accomplishments. It’s important to note that when you get something done you need to celebrate the accomplishment. Celebrating finishing a task will help you with motivation for future tasks, and, if you are one of those people who gets anxious about things, or has fear of the future, celebrating the small victories can be really helpful for your confidence level.

Day 50: If someone tears you down, that’s a reflection of them and not you.

Honestly, my thoughts make a lot more sense inside my head then on the page in front of me. Nevertheless, here I go:

It’s funny, you know… putting your faith in someone. You work so hard to keep the walls up for so long and someone waltzes into your life convincing you to let your guard down. And they abuse that. And they abuse the trust you put in them.  That’s how it always happens, right? And instead of finding yourself back at square, it’s almost as though you’ve reverted back to step negative four. You’re worse off than before and that’s just how it goes.

I truly believe that there are people in this world who will opt to believe you’re a bad person in order to shed the guilt they feel for how they treat you.

‘If someone tears you down, that’s a reflection on them, not you.’

I have to keep telling myself this. And truthfully, it’s not easy task convincing myself. But, it’s a really good reminder, every day. Good people don’t tear other people down. Good people don’t convince you to trust them and then fuck that up. (Excuse my language)

It’s easy to think that you’re the problem. It’s extremely easy for me to think that I am the cause, that this is my fault and that I deserve the poor behaviour, language and attitude being sent my direction.

I deserve more. Good people do not tear others down. I deserve good people in my life and so do you. Don’t ever settle for anything less than what you know you deserve.

You’re not the problem. They are. If they screw with your trust, don’t give it back to them.

Okay, I think I’m done for now. I might add more to this later, but right now that’s where my head is at.

Day 48: A sign, an earring and a reminder to just breathe.

Gabe, the three legged chihuahua is giving me some hardcore side-eye right now. How dare I sit on this bed without allowing him to sit on my lap.

It’s been a little more than one month since I created a wordpress account and subsequently, this blog. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the sincere and genuine kindness that I would have come across just by making a blog ‘on-the-line’. (Shout out to anyone who has seen ‘The Intern’) I’ve come to find that the interwebs are filled with incredibly kind and genuine people with nothing but love to share and provide total strangers. It’s a nice feeling to know that there are so many of you out there. It gives me hope. Thank you to each and every one of you who has shown me kindness. Especially to those of you who left me suggestions on how to help with my anxiety.

In other news, on February 11th I placed an order for earrings on a boutique website. I’d been eyeing them up for a while, deciding whether or not I could justify spending the money on them, and finally decided to pull the trigger. I paid for express shipping in hopes that the ‘2-3 Business days’ promised under the express column meant there might be a slight chance that I could have them for Valentine’s Day. When I hadn’t received a shipping notification by February 14th I sent an email to the boutique to ask where my earrings were. Apparently, unbeknownst to anyone, there’s a 5-10 business day handling period prior to shipping. So paying for express shipping would be 2-3 to ship following the 5-10 handling period at the boutique. As a small business, I can understand a need for time to process orders. What I cannot understand is why you don’t tell your customers that. Had I known that there was a handling period, I would not have paid for express shipping. Perhaps it’s just my needing to rant, but as a small business, you should be willing to be transparent with your customers about things like that. It’s good business and it’s good for survival.

My anxiety has gone down considerable amounts since yesterday. I think that I was overly nervous for my cat-scan last night. Being confined to small spaces, especially a cat scan machine, wasn’t sitting well with me. It’s nerve-wracking thinking something could be wrong with me. I’m trying to practice patience, though. And also, to find solace in the fact that they are trying to figure out what’s wrong and not just leaving me be. Knight and I went to the gym today t blow off some steam and that helped considerably. I’m going to take some of the suggestions that were left in the comments of my last post and try to start working them into my days. The way I figure, it’s worth a shot.

Plans for tomorrow include sending off my resume to a few more leads. Also – there’s apparently a coffee shop in town that has a wall of old books you can sit and read while you’re in there. Perhaps I’ll take my laptop and spend a few hours outside of the house.

Reminder to self: just breathe.

It’s time to find a job. A job that furthers my career. Just waiting on someone to realize what a badass addition I would be to their office.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Sending love ❤

Day 33: On the pursuit of health, happiness and the elusive feeling of calm.

I spent January 1, 2018 in the hospital. I’d been sick for several weeks at that point and I needed to see a doctor. When I finally got to the doctor I was so dehydrated that they immediately hooked me up to an IV and filled me with four bags of fluids. Following the blood tests, the urine test, the IVs and the lectures from the doctor and two nurses, they reluctantly let me go home around 8 pm and told me to not let myself get so sick without seeing a doctor.

I took their advice. I drastically changed my lifestyle and in 2018 I lost a bunch of weight, rediscovered my love for exercise and tried like never before to become social again.

I spent January 1, 2019 in bed. I’d just been fired and I didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I didn’t want to look at my phone and I didn’t really want to be awake. The problems I was feeling one year later felt all too similar whilst affecting a completely separate facet of my health.

There was no doctor to give me advice this time around. There was only the negative thoughts in my head, quickly eating away at every fiber of my happiness.

It’s tough to be happy. It really is. And it’s hard explaining that to someone who is happy. If you’re one of those blessed people in life who are able to see past your problems, or have minimal problems at that, I admire you. I am not one of those people. Things affect me. Things affect me in deep, unfortunate ways that I can’t control.

The past month has been exceptionally hard. I know because pouring my heart out to the internet seems to be my only means of coping these days. All that being said, I’m trying to be hopeful. I’m trying to see the bright side of things. I’m trying to remember that this too shall pass.

My body seems to be taking quite well to structured eating. Never did I think that I would be a person to appreciate eating the same thing at the same time each day – but it does have its advantages. I’m continuing to lose weight and build lean muscle in my body. I’m having an easier time digesting things and those dark circles that used to permanently sit beneath my eyes due to my sugar intake, they’re for the most part gone.

My mind is struggling right now. And I will say this with certainty – when you’re not in a good place mentally, exercising is hard. Finding the motivation to leave the house is hard. I’m relying on my loved ones to force me into new and scary situations in hopes that my negative head-space won’t always maintain such power over me.

I think there are two facets to happiness. Your body and your mind need to be in alignment. The demons that lurk beneath the shadows of your thoughts can’t maintain the power they do or you’ll never get out of this, so to speak. Alignment is key to the balance of life. Alignment is key to calm.

A new goal that I’ve made for myself this year is to focus on my mental health. I want to be in balance with the universe and I don’t want the demons to have such control over me anymore.

Short of seeing a professional (as that’s already being looked into) if anyone has any suggestions of how to help calm a chaotic mind, I’d gladly accept. I feel as though there’s got to be some ‘food for the soul’ I can find to help myself out as I wade through the choppy waters of this transition in my life.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.