International day of Happiness

According to twitter, today is #InternationalDayofHappiness. So, I obviously can’t pass up the celebration of an internet made holiday, and to celebrate, I have been reminding myself of all of the positives and good things I have in my life right now.

  • The most amazing coral-coloured dozen roses that are presently sitting in the front windowsill of this house. ❤
  • Two adoring chihuahuas who follow me everywhere I go and try to protect me from everything, including the big bad birds in the back yard, the noises of the furnace, and potential monsters under the bed. #ChihuahuaGang
  • Five straight days of incredible weather. Seriously, I haven’t seen the sun this much in six months. The beautiful and warm weather is giving me all sorts of positive vibes these days. Everyone needs some Vitamin D every now and again.
  • My ‘Millennial Life Crisis’ t-shirts. I made t-shirts out of the logo that I made for this website, my instagram and twitter and honestly, I love them so much. Every time I see them I’m like ‘Yeah, that’s mine’ and I’m filled with a weird sense of pride. It’s cheesy, I know. I made my own shirts!
  • A new job prospect. I don’t want to say too much because I am honestly trying to not get my hopes too high, but I would love to be back to work soon.
  • A gluten-free cake currently baking in the oven.

There’s more. A lot more. When I stop to think about it, I’m pretty blessed, even in spite of all of the crap going on. I guess it just goes to show, though, there’s always a bright side – you just have to choose to see it. Gratitude, always.

Stop wasting time, start getting things done.

It can be exceptionally easy to plop yourself down on the couch and kiss a few hours of a day goodbye, if you allow yourself.

I have an exceptionally easy time putting off tasks. I can waste the day away, I can waste a week away without even thinking twice about it. And lately I am realizing that I can’t be like that anymore.

For a lot of people, wasting time is not even about laziness. There isn’t so much a desire to just lay on the couch and waste the day away. For a lot of people, deep down, there’s an anxious mind propagating fears. The fears of messing up that keep us from even starting a task in the process, this is what contributes greatly to wasting time. I have a lot of those fears, and I have them often.

Note to self: stop wasting time, start getting things done.

  • Ask yourself ‘why?’ Why am I procrastinating? Do I know how to start? Do I know where to start? D I have the courage to do this, to get things done and to not stop until it’s complete? Don’t be afraid to ask yourself the hard questions.

Too many people live with the notion that if it can’t be done perfectly then it shouldn’t be done at all. This is wrong.

  • Don’t aim for perfection. Aim to get things done. Once progress has already begun, or a task has already been completed, it is much easier to edit or reorganize your work after the fact.
  • Clear distractions from your life. If having the tv on is going to cause you to lose focus, put the remote away. If having your laptop on is going to distract you, put your laptop under your bed. Don’t allow yourself the opportunity to get distracted.
  • Write shit down. Write it all down. Write down what you need to get done, and hey, if you can, write down some things you’ve already done. There’s a certain catharsis that comes from being able to cross something off your to do list. Just seeing something crossed off will provide you added motivation to cross more off.
  • Give yourself a window of time. Be it ten minutes, be it an hour, be it a day or a week or whatever time frame you give yourself, set a time limit. If you have a limit of time in which you can get things done, you will be more inclined to finish things before your deadline.
  • Celebrate your accomplishments. It’s important to note that when you get something done you need to celebrate the accomplishment. Celebrating finishing a task will help you with motivation for future tasks, and, if you are one of those people who gets anxious about things, or has fear of the future, celebrating the small victories can be really helpful for your confidence level.

Day 50: If someone tears you down, that’s a reflection of them and not you.

Honestly, my thoughts make a lot more sense inside my head then on the page in front of me. Nevertheless, here I go:

It’s funny, you know… putting your faith in someone. You work so hard to keep the walls up for so long and someone waltzes into your life convincing you to let your guard down. And they abuse that. And they abuse the trust you put in them.  That’s how it always happens, right? And instead of finding yourself back at square, it’s almost as though you’ve reverted back to step negative four. You’re worse off than before and that’s just how it goes.

I truly believe that there are people in this world who will opt to believe you’re a bad person in order to shed the guilt they feel for how they treat you.

‘If someone tears you down, that’s a reflection on them, not you.’

I have to keep telling myself this. And truthfully, it’s not easy task convincing myself. But, it’s a really good reminder, every day. Good people don’t tear other people down. Good people don’t convince you to trust them and then fuck that up. (Excuse my language)

It’s easy to think that you’re the problem. It’s extremely easy for me to think that I am the cause, that this is my fault and that I deserve the poor behaviour, language and attitude being sent my direction.

I deserve more. Good people do not tear others down. I deserve good people in my life and so do you. Don’t ever settle for anything less than what you know you deserve.

You’re not the problem. They are. If they screw with your trust, don’t give it back to them.

Okay, I think I’m done for now. I might add more to this later, but right now that’s where my head is at.

Day 48: A sign, an earring and a reminder to just breathe.

Gabe, the three legged chihuahua is giving me some hardcore side-eye right now. How dare I sit on this bed without allowing him to sit on my lap.

It’s been a little more than one month since I created a wordpress account and subsequently, this blog. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the sincere and genuine kindness that I would have come across just by making a blog ‘on-the-line’. (Shout out to anyone who has seen ‘The Intern’) I’ve come to find that the interwebs are filled with incredibly kind and genuine people with nothing but love to share and provide total strangers. It’s a nice feeling to know that there are so many of you out there. It gives me hope. Thank you to each and every one of you who has shown me kindness. Especially to those of you who left me suggestions on how to help with my anxiety.

In other news, on February 11th I placed an order for earrings on a boutique website. I’d been eyeing them up for a while, deciding whether or not I could justify spending the money on them, and finally decided to pull the trigger. I paid for express shipping in hopes that the ‘2-3 Business days’ promised under the express column meant there might be a slight chance that I could have them for Valentine’s Day. When I hadn’t received a shipping notification by February 14th I sent an email to the boutique to ask where my earrings were. Apparently, unbeknownst to anyone, there’s a 5-10 business day handling period prior to shipping. So paying for express shipping would be 2-3 to ship following the 5-10 handling period at the boutique. As a small business, I can understand a need for time to process orders. What I cannot understand is why you don’t tell your customers that. Had I known that there was a handling period, I would not have paid for express shipping. Perhaps it’s just my needing to rant, but as a small business, you should be willing to be transparent with your customers about things like that. It’s good business and it’s good for survival.

My anxiety has gone down considerable amounts since yesterday. I think that I was overly nervous for my cat-scan last night. Being confined to small spaces, especially a cat scan machine, wasn’t sitting well with me. It’s nerve-wracking thinking something could be wrong with me. I’m trying to practice patience, though. And also, to find solace in the fact that they are trying to figure out what’s wrong and not just leaving me be. Knight and I went to the gym today t blow off some steam and that helped considerably. I’m going to take some of the suggestions that were left in the comments of my last post and try to start working them into my days. The way I figure, it’s worth a shot.

Plans for tomorrow include sending off my resume to a few more leads. Also – there’s apparently a coffee shop in town that has a wall of old books you can sit and read while you’re in there. Perhaps I’ll take my laptop and spend a few hours outside of the house.

Reminder to self: just breathe.

It’s time to find a job. A job that furthers my career. Just waiting on someone to realize what a badass addition I would be to their office.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Sending love ❤

Day 33: On the pursuit of health, happiness and the elusive feeling of calm.

I spent January 1, 2018 in the hospital. I’d been sick for several weeks at that point and I needed to see a doctor. When I finally got to the doctor I was so dehydrated that they immediately hooked me up to an IV and filled me with four bags of fluids. Following the blood tests, the urine test, the IVs and the lectures from the doctor and two nurses, they reluctantly let me go home around 8 pm and told me to not let myself get so sick without seeing a doctor.

I took their advice. I drastically changed my lifestyle and in 2018 I lost a bunch of weight, rediscovered my love for exercise and tried like never before to become social again.

I spent January 1, 2019 in bed. I’d just been fired and I didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I didn’t want to look at my phone and I didn’t really want to be awake. The problems I was feeling one year later felt all too similar whilst affecting a completely separate facet of my health.

There was no doctor to give me advice this time around. There was only the negative thoughts in my head, quickly eating away at every fiber of my happiness.

It’s tough to be happy. It really is. And it’s hard explaining that to someone who is happy. If you’re one of those blessed people in life who are able to see past your problems, or have minimal problems at that, I admire you. I am not one of those people. Things affect me. Things affect me in deep, unfortunate ways that I can’t control.

The past month has been exceptionally hard. I know because pouring my heart out to the internet seems to be my only means of coping these days. All that being said, I’m trying to be hopeful. I’m trying to see the bright side of things. I’m trying to remember that this too shall pass.

My body seems to be taking quite well to structured eating. Never did I think that I would be a person to appreciate eating the same thing at the same time each day – but it does have its advantages. I’m continuing to lose weight and build lean muscle in my body. I’m having an easier time digesting things and those dark circles that used to permanently sit beneath my eyes due to my sugar intake, they’re for the most part gone.

My mind is struggling right now. And I will say this with certainty – when you’re not in a good place mentally, exercising is hard. Finding the motivation to leave the house is hard. I’m relying on my loved ones to force me into new and scary situations in hopes that my negative head-space won’t always maintain such power over me.

I think there are two facets to happiness. Your body and your mind need to be in alignment. The demons that lurk beneath the shadows of your thoughts can’t maintain the power they do or you’ll never get out of this, so to speak. Alignment is key to the balance of life. Alignment is key to calm.

A new goal that I’ve made for myself this year is to focus on my mental health. I want to be in balance with the universe and I don’t want the demons to have such control over me anymore.

Short of seeing a professional (as that’s already being looked into) if anyone has any suggestions of how to help calm a chaotic mind, I’d gladly accept. I feel as though there’s got to be some ‘food for the soul’ I can find to help myself out as I wade through the choppy waters of this transition in my life.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

Day 26: Money can’t buy happiness.

Actually, money can’t buy a lot of things. But, as I sat in the salon listening to the woman next to me complain about her husband, her children, her home, her life and her motivation, I couldn’t help but think that she was the perfect example of that statement.

Wearing a diamond ring larger than any I’ve seen before, fumbling through her $5,000 purse to find her car keys to shut the car alarm of her $150,000 Mercedes, she continued on about how her husband doesn’t listen to her. About how he doesn’t care. About how when she gets upset with him his response is to buy her something new. Be it diamonds or electronics or vehicles, he’s bought it all for her and he still hasn’t learned that what she wants most is for him to listen.

As she continued on talking about how her children were spoiled brats who didn’t understand the values of anything in life, I couldn’t help but wonder if she played a hand in making them that way. I don’t think it was intentional, but I do think that when they’re not looking, parents play a larger role in passing on bad behaviours to their kids then they believe.

Here’s the thing: the woman was clearly very depressed with her life. Something that seemed quite ‘beautiful’ from the outside, at a personal level was tearing her up. She was not happy. And maybe too afraid to do anything about it. (That last part is absolutely speculation) And, as I watched what seemed like a perfect exterior fall apart in a salon chair, I couldn’t help but think about the fact that material possessions are nothing more than that. Possessions can’t give peace of mind. Possessions can’t make you happy. Sure, they can make things easier, if you use them properly. But they won’t buy your happiness.

I’ve never been someone to be wowed by fancy things. With a whole world out there to explore, I have no desire for diamonds, I desire experience. I want to walk with penguins in Antarctica and go cave diving in Madagascar. I want to see the whole world. And yes, money is needed to travel. There is a bit of a catch-twenty-two there. But watching her, clearly deeply unhappy with her life and how it’s turned out, I was reminded that experiences are far more important than things.

She, for me, will serve as a reminder that things are not necessary. Money can’t buy happiness. Money cannot buy peace of mind. Actually, money cannot buy a lot of things. Money can’t buy:

  • Respect
  • Truth
  • Work-life balance
  • Natural Beauty
  • Manner
  • Common Sense
  • A clear conscience
  • Purpose in life
  • Integrity
  • Good Friends
  • A long life
  • Close-knit family
  • An open mind
  • A worry-free day
  • Trust
  • A new beginning
  • A great idea
  • An honest politician
  • Peace of mind
  • A good hair day
  • Patience
  • Luck
  • Happy Memories
  • Time to relax
  • A strong work ethic
  • A positive attitude
  • A happy home
  • Good Karma
  • Blessings
  • Appreciation and love of the simple things
  • True Love
  • A new shot at a missed opportunity
  • Peace in the World
  • A golden anniversary
  • Talent
  • A second chance
  • Quality time with the ones you love
  • Wisdom
  • Happiness
  • Intelligence
  • Humility
  • A good reputation
  • A 25 hour day
  • Youth
  • Experience
  • Class
  • Justice
  • Perspective
  • Selflessness

For a few someone’s I know.

This is a tribute to the nice girls. Girls like you, her and I. This is for the girls who are comfortable with their own flaws and who over look yours with the sincerest of hopes that you’ll do the same. Yet time and time again, they’ll end up being just another test run on the quest to find the ‘perfect girl’. This is for the hopeless romantics that, although they may have never been in love, know that it exists. For the girls who try so hard to find it in every guy that they meet. For the girls who believe that something was better than nothing and that what they have with him is better than what they have without. This is for the girls that would rather look back and know the outcome, as opposed to wondering what could have been. To the girls who take chances, step out of their comfort zone to find a voice to say things that, even thinking about, gives them butterflies. This is for the girls who attempt to find comfort in hearing “there’s plenty of fish in the sea” and for the girls who will try to mend his heart with the very same advice. This is for the girls that will throw their morals out the window, with the confidence that he will commit himself; the girls who will fall for the pretty words and promising lies. To the optimists who frequently check their phones sincerely hoping they’ve ‘just missed his call’ and to the realists who will turn their phones off knowing he won’t. This is to the girls who aren’t afraid to cry and for the girls who won’t allow a single tear to be shed. This is for the hero that nurses his hangover the next morning only to be informed about his wild drunken hookup with the ‘hot blonde’. And, this is for the ‘hot blonde’ that doesn’t think she deserves anything more than a one night stand.

And, while this goes out to the girls who have had their heart broken, this also goes out to the guys who think they will never find ‘a nice girl’. Are you looking for a girl who will call you just to say hello and spend hours baking cookies into heart shapes? Are you willing to watch her favourite movie over yours? And are you willing to wait those extra minutes while she’s finishing getting ready? Will you be proud to say that you’re taken, and proud to have her next to you when your single friends are inviting you to the club to pick up girls?

Here’s the actual question. Are you really looking for a nice girl, or just a quick fix? Truth be told, a ‘nice girl’ isn’t the same girl that will pride herself in being your flavour of the week and understand that there are no strings attached. While nice girls might like your flirty attention, what they really desire is for someone to see beyond their looks… because beneath that beautiful exterior might just be a personality to match that no one has bothered to notice.  If you’re truly looking for a nice girl, you might just realize that she’s been in front of you the whole time. Maybe, if you’re lucky, she’ll still be waiting when you finally realize. Take the time, make the effort. You want ‘the girl’, you’ve got to be ‘the guy’ she deserves.

And for all of the nice girls in this world, don’t give up on being a hopeless romantic, a believer, a hero, optimistic, fearless and strong. Don’t settle for less than what your heart knows you deserve. Love isn’t easily stumbled upon, and, can often be accompanied by heartbreak and heartache. But somewhere there is a guy that’s looking for you. Maybe you haven’t met him yet, but wherever he is, that is where your heart belongs.