I dread the night’s most.

Lately I’m finding that when the day winds down and everyone goes to bed for the night, that’s when my anxiety takes over. Swallowing every ounce of what’s good about my mood and my being, I turn into a twisted knot of explosive fear and delirious sadness.

I tried to stay positive about the world this week, I really did. I made a conscious effort every day to try and see the good in what was happening. The good was there. There was good in my life and I did see it. The problem was, the negatives seemed to swallow me whole.

I’m scared that I’m going to make the wrong decisions, do the wrong things or say something that cannot be taken back. I’m scared that I’ll never feel like myself again. As much as I can give myself pep-talks that fear doesn’t really seem to fade these days. Coping techniques help, for a little while. It always comes back though, seemingly stronger than before.

It’s a vicious hamster wheel I’m spinning in.

Bitter Betty

I’ve come to realize that I have serious issues with trusting anyone. Sadly, though I think I’ve been this way for a while, it’s only recently that I’ve realized the extent to which it affects my life.

I don’t trust people. I don’t. When people speak to me, I hear the words they’re saying and I don’t accept them. Why? Because they don’t mean anything to me. Call that jaded, call that whatever you please, but the truth is that everybody lies. They lie, misinform, mishandle the truth, and they expect you to believe it.

I don’t know why it is that so many people lie to me. Perhaps they think I’m incredibly naive, or perhaps they just don’t care about me at all… whatever it is, I seem to walk around with a ‘Lie to Me’ stamp on my forehead.

There comes a certain point in life that you’ve been lied to so many times, it won’t matter if someone speaks the truth. It just won’t matter anymore.


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No one in this world can make you feel as bad as you can.

That’s right. I said it.

We’re our own worst critics.

We’re our own worst enemy. Every downfall, every insecurity, every sadness, every frustration, every hardship, we know everything. And we use it against ourselves at the moments in time when we’re most vulnerable.

I think this is one of the things that makes mental illness so debilitating. On a good day, someone not suffering from mental illness can utterly destroy their self-worth with a few thoughts. Imagine that feeling multiplied by 1000 in someone suffering from mental illness.

This was not meant to be a comparison about who feels worse, though. The point I’m trying to make is the importance of being kind – to yourself, to everyone. Be kind. Much like they don’t know your struggles, you don’t know theirs.

Be kind to yourself. Talk yourself up. Make yourself feel better even when you’re not in a bad mood. And, don’t ever miss the opportunity to do this for someone else as well.

Perhaps if we all made more of an effort to force the positives on ourselves, those negative thoughts wouldn’t hold so much power over us when they rear their ugly heads.

What is the value of your intellectual property?

I’ve always been of the opinion that intellectual property is what makes someone valuable. That crazy map of creativity and thought inside of their heads is what they bring to the table, and if you want to find the right niche within your workplace, you need to give employees a place where they feel safe to let their intellectual property flow freely throughout the company.

When it comes to me, intellectual property is my everything. This mess inside of my brain is what comes up with the genius. And I don’t say that to imply that I am a genius by any means. I say that as an implication that what I do requires creativity and forethought. It requires one to have vision and insight. It requires one to make use of a certain skill set that there are a lot of jobs in this world that’s not necessary for.

To me, the prospect of signing away my intellectual property to ‘the man’ is a scary one.

It could mean signing away rights to this blog, or anything I create on it hereafter. It could mean signing away rights to my work, to my creations, to my brainchild of development.

I’m not sure that I’m ready to do that. Or willing.

I know that different people have different opinions on the subject matter. I guess, it just scares me because I feel as though my intellectual property and my value very much go hand-in-hand. Signing that over to someone seems like giving up a piece of myself.

Be a good person.

You can be vulnerable and still be powerful. You can have a gentle heart and still be rock-solid to your core. You can be as calm as a cool breeze, but as fierce as a tiger. The measure of true strength is to embody the characteristics of the full spectrum.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, life is the messy bits. Speak your truth, love your family, care for your friends and be yourself. Your social media platforms, your blogs, your conversations with people, they don’t need to be a perfectly curated collection of beautiful and noteworthy. Be real. Be truthful. Be you. If someone’s not willing to listen to the truth, find someone else to talk to.

Being real about how the world actually works, about how life really is, that’s what I appreciate in people.

Don’t internalize the bad. Nobody needs to be walking around with that weight on their shoulders. Always speak your truth. You’ll feel sooooooo much better about life when you do.

Also, be a good person. It doesn’t take a lot. Just be a good fucking person.

Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.

The time, 11:49 pm. The mood, content. The setting: perched at the edge of the couch, watching the sun dip behind the trees, saying goodnight to another peaceful day.

I’m reaching the end of the week that I dubbed my week of positivity. It was my goal to, for the week, all week, stay positive. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. It definitely wasn’t. I consider myself a realist by nature, so staring down the barrel of some particularly crappy situations and choosing to not let it get the better of you, it’s tough. But, I’m here to say that it is do-able.

As mentioned in a post earlier on this week, my mom’s healthy. Which that, that is reason enough to be eternally thankful.

Other positive things that happened this week? I’ve been babysitting my brother’s dog for the past couple of days. He’s actually done a lot for brightening my mood. I was trying to pin point why this dog was making me so happy and it was really my brother that hit the nail on the head with why Jaxon (the dog) is so nice to have around.

“Jaxon is really growing on me!” I texted him.

“Yeah, he’s a pretty great dog to have around. He listens well and he just always seems to be in a good mood.” He texted back.

That’s it. That’s it right there. This dog is always in a good mood. He’s always got a ‘dog smile’ on his face. He wags his tail like he’s excited to be everywhere and involved in anything. He loves attention but he also loves when we leave him alone. He prances around like he doesn’t weigh 100 pounds and he’s totally unaware that there’s anything bad in this world. I realize that I sound crazy as I’m talking about a dog in this way, but it’s just… so heartwarming to be around him. I truly believe that pets make us better. And this dog, he definitely has made me better this week.

One thing that has been an extremely important mood booster to me this week was all of the introductions that I got to read on my blog. Making a post asking for introductions, I wasn’t really sure what I was going to get. Honestly, I was expecting maybe five-to-ten people to respond, tops. The responses that I got were really overwhelming. It was so special to me to be able to read about so many of you, and to learn more. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This space, this wordpress world, has been such a safe space for me over the past six months. My mind is truly blown with how many wonderful people I’ve crossed paths with on wordpress. Honestly, if I could go back in time, I would tell myself to make a wordpress account a lot sooner than I did.

Another moment that was extremely important during my week was taking my niece and nephew out for slurpees. B and V (she’s V too as she’s named after me) went to get slurpees/screamers, and as we were walking to the till with their cups full of sugar, B patted me on the arm and said ‘Auntie, thank you so much!’ Naturally, I asked him why he was thanking me. His response: ‘Because you just make things so much better. You make me feel better and you make everything better. It’s so nice to have you around. And I’m not just saying that because you’re buying me ice cream’. I nearly teared up there in the store. I didn’t, because he’s 10 and would totally make fun of me for that. But I wanted to. Such a nice compliment from a ten year old kid. If he get understand that now, at 10, imagine what he’s going to be like when he grows up!

There’s definitely been some negative things happening. There’s definitely been some things that made me anxious and scared. But, overall, I would say that I made some serious headway in being able to deal with those things, cope with those things or completely see past those things.

The power of positivity is real.

I’ve decided that I’m going to start leaving notes about things that I like about myself on the end of my blog posts. Why? I’m trying to boos my own self-esteem, so I want to think of more positives. I also think that it’ll be nice, when I look back on these posts one day in the future, to be able to see that I ended each post with a positive note. So, here goes:

I really like my eyes. They’re a really nice ocean-blue colour and I get complimented on them a lot. I don’t mean that in a cocky way, I just mean that of all the things people can be complimented on, I’m frequently complimented as having beautiful eyes. They definitely are attention grabbing when you see me.

Eric Church – Kill a Word

I’ve got this theory. The theory is that there are two types of people in this world: music people and lyric people.

The lyric people, they tend to be more analytical in nature, pouring over every line to determine the true meaning behind a song, behind a moment and behind life. They interpret the hell out of everything that they do and all that happens to them.

Then there’s the music people. These are the people in this world who couldn’t care less about the lyrics, they simply like the song if it’s got a good beat to it, or if it’s music that matches their mood. They ‘go-with-the-flow’ and are more easily able to let things go when they need to.

Sometimes I think it might be easier to be a music person rather than a lyric person. But, since I’m obviously not, I’ll just say this… sometimes things have a way of finding you exactly when they need to. And for me, this often happens through song lyrics.

Here’s a song that’s meant a lot to me over the past couple of years, especially so on a day like today.

If I could kill a word and watch it die
I’d poison never, shoot goodbye
Beat regret when I felt I had the nerve
Yeah, I’d pound fear to a pile of sand
Choke lonely out with my bare hands
I’d hang hate so that it can’t be heard
If I could only kill a word

I’d take brokenness out back
And break heartbreak, stand there and laugh
Right in its face while shootin’ it the bird
I’d put upset down in its place
I’d squeeze the life out of disgrace
Lay over under six cold feet of dirt
If I could only kill a word

Give me sticks, give stones
Bend my body, break my bones
Use staff and rod to turn me black and blue
‘Cause you can’t unhear, you can’t unsay
But if were up to me to change
I’d turn lies and hate to love and truth
If I could only kill a word

I’d knock out temptation’s teeth
I’d sever evil, let it bleed
Then light up wicked, stand and watch it burn
I’d take vice and I’d take vile
And tie ’em up there with hostile
Hang ’em high and leave ’em for the birds
If I could only kill a word

So give me sticks, give stones
Bend my body, break my bones
Use staff and rod to turn me black and blue
‘Cause you can’t unhear, you can’t unsay
But if were up to me to change
I’d turn lies and hate to love and truth
If I could only kill a word
If I could only kill a word