Letter to a thin-skinned soul

Dear Self,

As hard as you try, not everyone is going to like you. That’s a fact of life. And that’s totally okay. Don’t break your back over someone who’s opinion of you is never going to change. Quite frankly, their opinions don’t and shouldn’t matter to you. What should matter to you is who you choose to be, day in and day out.

Be yourself. Be authentic. Be true.

Those who know and love you will appreciate you for exactly who you are. Those who don’t, well, don’t waste your time or worry on them. You’re perfect just the way you are.

And if you do change, don’t change for anyone but yourself.

Sincerely, Me

Getting pregnant to ‘trap a man’ is THE WORST IDEA ever.

So, my least favourite cousin called today. I haven’t spoken to her in several years, so it made a lot of sense that she called solely to ask me for something.

After she asked me for a favour, she asked the token ‘so how’ve you been doing?’ I gave her enough to make her say ‘that’s great’ but not enough to let her actually know what’s been happening in my life, since I know she doesn’t care anyway.

Then she went on to say ‘Well me, I’m going to get pregnant soon!’

‘That’s great?!’ I said half questioning it, half trying to understand what her motivation was in saying ‘I’m going to get pregnant’.

‘Well, I think it’s time’. She said. ‘Let’s face it, I’m never going to get a boyfriend hotter than Braeden,’

Umm…. what?

I’ll admit. I stumbled on the phone. I wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to the statement when she said it, because this was just so stupid I couldn’t believe it came out of her mouth.

‘That’s nice that you and Braeden are planning for your future!?’ I said, questioning but also trying to sound happy for her.

‘Oh, Braeden doesn’t know!’ She exclaimed. ‘I stopped taking my birth control a few weeks back. He’s going to be so surprised!’

At this point in time I was like ‘Uhhh, can you give me his number so I can tell Braeden?’ Though I was being dead serious, she clearly thought I was kidding because her response was ‘So you don’t feel pressured to have a baby? I mean it’s about time. You’re getting so old.’

The rest of the conversation was me trying to lecture her out of this stupid idea and telling her that getting pregnant was not going to make her boyfriend stay with her forever. Inevitably, the remainder of the conversation was short because she got pissed off at my logic and decided to end the conversation.

I think she was hoping for me to respond with ‘Oh my god, I’m so happy for you!’ Or something of the sort. So when I told her it was a bad idea, she likely wasn’t very impressed with me.

Right now I don’t know what to do. All I really want to do is reach out to people to see if I can find Braeden’s phone number. I know it’s not cool to insert yourself into other people’s relationships, but damn, shouldn’t someone give him the heads up?

Trying to ‘trap a man’ by getting pregnant is literally the STUPIDEST IDEA EVER. Firstly, it’s 2019, not 1950. Gone are the days when people feel obligated to stay with someone solely because they share a child with them. Secondly, if you’re going to to tell him of your intentions to get pregnant, there’s clearly something else lacking in your relationship that needs fixing… that bringing a child into this world is not going to fix.

I love babies. And all babies deserve to be loved. And I’m guessing if she did get pregnant then her boyfriend would love this kid unconditionally, because from what I’ve heard of this guy, he’s a pretty good dude. But imagine that kid, fifteen years from now, learning that his/her mom got pregnant because ‘she wasn’t going to find a hotter boyfriend’. Like… I cannot wrap my head around the sheer idiocy of this.

I’ll go ahead and say this, without qualms or hesitation: it is never a good idea to intentionally get pregnant as a means to try to trap your boyfriend/spouse/partner.

And let me be abundantly clear here, there’s a difference between an unplanned pregnancy and a pregnancy which someone plans and does not tell the other partner.

A baby is not going to fix your relationship issues. And, could quite possibly put more of a rift between them if/when he learns what you’re doing. A baby is not going to make a relationship last forever. A baby is not going to be the solution to whatever it is you’re missing in your life. I’ve heard that from enough parents to know. Also, imagine the pressure you’re putting on that poor, innocent little baby in this scenario. There is a small percentage chance that a partner could learn all of this information and a relationship still work afterwards and they be together long term, but I really don’t see there being a large change of that happening, at all.

Getting pregnant to trap a man is a horrible, horrible, horrible idea. And also, your partner’s hotness should not be motivation for reproduction. And also, it’s lying, it’s manipulative and it’s unfair to both the boyfriend and the future potential child.

If this is a plan, then there are other options. Go see a relationship therapist. Or, go see a therapist on your own. Get some help. I’ve tried to talk to my cousin since our phone conversation but since she didn’t like my words this afternoon, she’s been ignoring me.

* Note – I know the scenario goes both ways and there are times when men try to do this to. I’m speaking of it from the female perspective solely because of what my cousin told me today.

What would you do if someone told you they were intentionally planning to get pregnant without their partner’s knowledge?

Edit: After writing this and then reading it through, I have since decided to email and text my aunt (cousin’s mom) to ask her if she could provide me with Braeden’s phone number.

Simple things I am grateful for today.

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some days are great and some days can feel as though everything in the world is falling into place. Then there are days, oh there are days, where I struggle to stay afloat. These are the days that I try to think of the things I am, and should be, thankful for. Some days it boosts my mood, other days it doesn’t. But every day it reminds me that I still have good things in my life, even when every fiber of my being is trying to tell me otherwise.

  1. I’m alive. It’s hard to be thankful for this when you’re in such a negative headspace all of the time, but truth be told, it’s a real blessing. I’m here, I’m breathing and I’m lucky for that.
  2. I have access to the internet. I use the internet for a lot. Looking for jobs. Pouring my heart out to this blog. Running social media accounts for Knight. Doing some consulting work. Watching copious amounts of Youtube videos and falling down various subject matter rabbit holes (the most recent of which being Mr. Atheist)
  3. The small pleasures in life. The sun, even if it is only up for a few hours each day. The smell of fresh brewed coffee. Hearing my niece and nephew laugh.
  4. The Tesla #CyberTruck is so badass. I want one. I want one sooooo bad. I’m going to get it one day. It will be mine. You just wait and see.
  5. The Cure – Pictures of You. This has been a favourite of mine for years and it’s a song that I go back to whether my mood good or bad. In my opinion, The Cure is music that will transcend generations and could quite possibly still be relevant 100 years from now.
  6. My foam roller. This rickety old body needs all the help it can get. And honestly, owning a foam roller is LIFE CHANGING for your muscles and joints.
  7. That I have a somewhat not-stupid head on my shoulders that keeps me on track. Staying the path of determination and stubbornness isn’t always a lucrative adventure monetarily, but I will get there. Rest assured, I will get there eventually.
  8. For these few minutes of peace I am getting tonight. Everyone’s gone out. I’m not sure if it’ll be 10 minutes, a half hour, an hour or even two. But I’m going to take advantage of this quiet while I’ve got it.
  9. Something Knight said to me on the phone two nights ago. I didn’t really say anything about it when he said it. And I haven’t mentioned it since. But I’ll probably remember it forever.

Sometimes, reminding yourself to be grateful is one of the most positive, and hardest steps you can take to make sure you get on with your day.

What are you grateful for today?

Throwing me a lifeline.

I’ve been going through a bit of an existential crisis lately. Turning 31, still struggling to find anything employment wise, fighting (literally physically fighting) with my family at what seems like every turn, and getting a lot of hate on this blog as of late has been causing me a lot of worry. My thin skin is shining through and it’s just crossed this barrier beyond stress to a point in which I’ve been genuinely struggling to make it through the day.

I’m really having a hard time. I’ve felt like I’ve been drowning. Slowly. Little by little. Day after day.

I’ve been living off my credit card. And, as that gets closer and closer to my limit, I get more and more afraid about what the next few months are going to entail. Last night, out of nowhere, like the Knight in Shining Armour that he is, Knight sent me money. Just because. I can’t even begin to say how much of a weight it lifted off my shoulders. It’s not that I needed the money, or that I’d ever ask him for it. It’s almost as if he just kind of… knew.

To me, it wasn’t the fact that he sent me money, it’s the fact that he knew. He knew I needed someone to extend a hand.

I’m trying to hold it together. I really am. I’m just having a harder time lately. People tell me it is because I’m coming up on a year of unemployment and I’m afraid to reach that date, though I shouldn’t be because it’s an arbitrary date… nothing more than a date on a Calendar.

I have thin skin, an anxious mind and a restless heart.

And honestly, it’s moments like last night that I remember he’s the one who’s been with me through it all. The one who’s supported me, the one who’s encouraged me, the one who’s made me feel like this awkward in-between stage of my life won’t last forever and that I will get through this. I’m so thankful for that.

I hope that everyone gets the opportunity to have a Knight in their life.

Don’t settle for anything just because it’s something.

Love hasn’t always been kind. Love hasn’t always been giving, or thoughtful or helpful. Love hasn’t always been good.

The first time I fell in love, I was over the moon. He was absolutely everything to me and held more power over me than I would ever like to admit to.

In my younger, more vulnerable years, lacking in self-confidence at the time (and for years after due to his treatment), I accepted his shitty treatment for longer than I would like to admit to. I didn’t just accept it, I welcomed it. He had anger issues. And, looking back, he had serious issues with depression as well. He really liked to take out his frustrations on me. Yelling, screaming, throwing things at me, insulting me, preying on my every insecurity, getting in his car and leaving me places, forcing me to find a way home on my own. These were just things I came to expect. While I was shocked the day I found out he was cheating on me, I look back now on his behaviour and I think of how I should have seen the signs. I should have known what was coming. I really shouldn’t have been surprised.

And every time he treated me poorly, like clockwork, he’d go buy a fancy piece of jewelry or an expensive pair of shoes, show up a day or two later with them tied together with a nice pink bow. Every time I saw a little pink bow, I forgave him. I don’t know why. I look back on it now and I think I was mighty stupid for accepting gifts as though it is/was/could ever be any apology for his shitty treatment of me.

I’ve always hated pink bows.

There’s a quote from a book (that I’ll admit I have ever read) that rings true for a lot of people in this world. In The perks of being a Wallflower, the quote is ‘We accept the love we think we deserve.’

How fucking true is that? (Please excuse my language)

It’s so relevant. People who think low of themselves, people who struggle with self confidence, they’re so easy to accept shitty treatment under the mask of ‘love’ just because they feel that’s all they deserve. I know this because that’s what I felt I deserved back then.

If you’ve been there, if you are there now, please know that you deserve more. Don’t feel bad for thinking you deserve more. Don’t feel bad for wanting more. Don’t settle for anything just because it’s something. Love should be better than that. You are worth more than that.

Love should be patient. Love should be kind. Love should be thoughtful and helpful, fulfilling and caring. Love should bring out the best in you. Love should never make you doubt your self worth. Love should never make you question your value.

If you’re there in a tough relationship now or if you’ve been there before, I completely I understand. I was that person who didn’t think there was anything better. And trust me, I was so wrong. Looking back now, I’m happy that I was wrong. Because he was a piece of shit. And now that I know better is out there, I have to believe better is out there for you, too.

I wish for everyone to find their Knight in shining armour. Or Knightess!(yeah, pretty sure I just made that up because there’s no female form of Knight, is there?)

I would like to hear your opinion.

If you are so kind to oblige, I kindly ask that you please share your opinions on the following:

  1. What is the most difficult thing about blogging?
  2. What annoys you most about blogging/the WordPress community?
  3. What do you not understand about blogging/WordPress/Social Media?

I ask out of curiosity, but also out of a desire to find out if my thoughts align with others.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me!