Happy Birthday

It is Knight’s birthday today. I know he’s not a big fan of birthdays and that he does not want anyone else knowing, but I can’t help it. I’m grateful for this day and his existence.

Happy Birthday, my love. I don’t know much about this life but what I do know is that, whatever souls are made of, yours and mine are meant to be.

Will you be my Valentine?

I love Valentine’s Day. I do. I’m a sucker for any day that allows you to scream from the rooftops just how much you love someone. Thus, it baffles me when people tell me they don’t celebrate it… To each their own. I guess, I just… don’t get why not?

I’ve heard the arguments.

‘It’s too commercialized.’

‘Why do I need big business to tell me how to tell someone I love them?’

‘It’s a made up holiday for girls to force unnecessary gifts out of the men in their lives.’

And so on and so forth.

Honestly, when I hear arguments like those, I can’t help but feel like people might have the wrong impression of what Valentine’s Day is supposed to represent.

Sure, the commercials tell you that this run-of-the-mill diamond heart pendant is something she’ll absolutely love! And, that Fossil Chronograph Stainless Steel watch is definitely something that will make his eyes pop! It’s true. Spending exorbitant amounts of money on someone you love for February 14th is what the commercials would lead you to believe the day is about. I hope that everyone knows Valentine’s Day isn’t just a day for women. Valentine’s Day is a day for love.

I beg to differ, though.

It’s not about the money. It’s not about the gift. It’s about the love. It’s about reminding someone that with all the things that go on in this cazy life ‘I choose you’ to do it with.

I’m a hopeless romantic, I’ll admit. I love love. Love letters are a quick, and easy, way to my heart. Oh and food. But we’ll save that for another time. To me, Valentine’s Day is a perfect day to remind someone that hey, no matter what this world throws at us, no matter what we go through, your existence makes my life better. You don’t have to spend a single dollar if you don’t want to. If you do want to spend on gifts, I do believe that’s a wonderful way of reminding someone you care. But, if you don’t spend a single dollar, you can still do just that.

I’m sure that Knight would love the Chronograph Stainless Steel Fossil Watch. Though, I think if I were to spend any money on him, I’d likely trade in the token ‘flower bouquet’ and create him a custom bouquet of all of his favourite protein bars and cookies. Because, much like me, food is an easy way to his heart. I didn’t take that route this year, and though I wish I could have, I’m certain he’ll be appreciative of what I sent. Because it’s the thought that counts. It’s the reminder of love, even in the smallest ways, because their existence matters.

There are plenty of stories that you can read about how Valentine’s day came to be. And honestly, whichever one you do choose to believe, I hope that you use it as a reminder of the importance of love. Of the importance of reminding someone just how much you love them. Of the importance of gestures, whether small or grand, and what they can mean to someone.

Yeah, it’s commercialized. Almost everything in life is commercialized these days. So, in the grand scheme of things, is that something that really matters, or are you using it as an excuse? You can spend zero dollars or a million dollars, just remind someone that you love them. You owe them that much. It’s a day, one day, per year that’s a bright shining opportunity for you to remind them their existence matters to your existence. So take the opportunity, whether you’re buying flowers or not. Take the opportunity.

I read a story about a girl who, last year, woke up on Valentine’s Day to find post-it notes on objects scattered throughout their house, each with a different reason for why he loved her on them. It only cost him the price of post-it notes and it might just be one of the most romantic and loving things I’ve ever read. And I’m a sucker for romance.

I encourage everyone to take advantage of this day. If you have someone you love, let them know. It’s not just for women, it’s for everyone. Write a letter. Bake a cake. Give time. Buy plane tickets to Antarctica. Get the flowers and the chocolates. Whatever you do, just make sure it counts.

1:46 AM

The only thing that I want in this world right now is for you to reach your arm across the bed to wrap around me, feel you kiss me on the shoulder and to hear you continue, ever so effortlessly, snoring in my ear.

You never know just how much listening to someone snore can mean to you until you’re falling asleep alone. It’s the simple things in life…

A Knight's Tale

Have you ever met someone and you just knew, instantaneously, that they were supposed to be a part of your life? It’s like they just fit. I liken it to finding a piece to a puzzle that you weren’t even aware you were missing.

One day you’re living your life, trying to convince yourself that you’re perfectly fine on your own and that perhaps love isn’t for you. The next day a Knight in Shining Armour rides in on a white horse and flips your whole world on its head. Yeah, it sounds cliche, but that’s kind of what it felt like when it was happening.

In my early twenties I was in a somewhat-serious relationship. You know that feeling when you’re young and in love and it feels like nothing in this world can break you. Well, he broke me. He got a (then) friend of mine pregnant and they went on to have a child and separate shortly thereafter. Anyways, this story isn’t about ‘him’.

Following ‘him’, I was single for a long time. A LONG time. Just over six years, I’d say. I focused on my job and, while I went on occasional dates, none of them seemed to ever matter.

At 28, I decided to try my hand at online dating. I can’t really pinpoint what made me make the profile, but I opted to delete it rather quickly. I went on a few useless/stupid first dates with some less-than noteworthy guys and was getting an overwhelming amount of disgusting messages from thirsty men who saw my pictures and decided it was alright to let their inner horn-dog flow through their pick-up lines.

So, I deleted it.

Eight months later, after some convincing from a friend, I made a new dating profile. She convinced me that perhaps I was too quick to judge and that perhaps there might be someone out there for me, if I just give it the chance. She also reminded me that I was complaining of being lonely a lot. (That might have had the biggest hand in my decision)

While I found myself inundated with thirsty messages from men that I reckon hadn’t actually spoken with a lot of females in their lives, there was one message that stood out. It was from a man named Knight.

Something about him was different. He spoke in full sentences. He came across as thoughtful, intelligent and… dare I say… valiant. Where 99% of the men on that website saw blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, he actually went through and read my entire profile. (It wasn’t lengthy, but it also wasn’t important to 99% of the men on that site) There was just something about him that was enthralling.

I ended up giving him my phone number so that I did not have to log onto the website to talk to him. (Long story short – every time you logged into the website, it would show to all the users of the website that you were online… and when people saw that I was online, they’d send me messages to try and get my attention) If I do recall, and he might correct me on this, it was only a couple of days of talking before we decided to meet in person. I think we started talking on Tuesday and we might have met that Friday. I think!

I do recall telling him I wasn’t going to meet him. I do recall being very shy and very unsure about meeting him. Not because I didn’t want to meet him but because I was worried he wouldn’t like me and I didn’t want to get my hopes up about this great guy for him to meet me in person and be disappointed.

After much convincing though (on his part), we decided to meet after he got off work that Friday. He worked at a hotel, the afternoon shift, so he worked from like 3-11 ish.. so we planned to get a drink after that.

I remember giving him my address and then immediately thinking ‘what the hell are you doing? You just gave him your address. What if he’s a serial killer?’

He pulled up shortly after 11, called and said he was outside and then I walked out and got in his car. Which was so not like me, but I did it. Something about him just made me feel like it was okay and that I needed to stop worrying.

On the way to the bar he asked me why I was so worried about meeting him. I explained to him about the fears that come with meeting someone online and I think he understood why I had, so many times, told him I wasn’t willing to meet him.

When we got to the bar, we sat down and ordered some drinks and the moment the waitress left he looked me square in the face and said ‘You are really beautiful, do you know that?’ It wasn’t in a cheesy he’s trying to impress me kind of way, it was very genuine.

After that, we just talked. For hours. We talked for so many hours that the only reason we stopped talking was because the bar was actually closing and they were kicking us out. It felt kind of like a scene from a movie, or a television show… where the characters go on this memorable first date and it’s as if the rest of the world stops around them. They lose track of time and before they know it the restaurant closes. It was exactly like that, actually.

Now, this next part, he and I have different recollections of what happened next. If you ask him, he’ll say that I invited him up to my apartment. If you ask me, I’ll tell you that he invited himself up to my apartment. Either way, he wound up in my apartment. ‘The plan’ was to watch Law & Order SVU. That was actually my plan.

And again, in a night filled with things I never do, probably ten minutes later I was naked.

I’ve never actually told anyone that. Not that I’m ashamed of it or anything of the sort. I just… there’s so many negative connotations surrounding women and dating and ‘being easy’ or ‘being slutty’ or ‘being whores’, I just kind of figured I’d be better off if I didn’t give anyone ammunition.

It was… without hesitation in my mind… the best first date that I’d ever been on. And, it wasn’t even really a date. We’d agreed that we were just meeting for a drink because I told him that I’d had enough horrible first dates already I didn’t want to add another to the list.

So, we made plans for one week later to have our actual first date. And, like another scene straight out of a movie or television show, he took me to the fair! Well, first he showed up with a giant bouquet of flowers at my door. Then we went to the fair.

I’ve always been a big fan of Ferris wheels. I love the view from the top, and I appreciate that, unlike with roller coasters, on a Ferris wheel the speed at which you come down is the same speed of which you climbed to the top at. So, much like you’d see in a cheesy movie or television show, we played some games, he won me a stuffed animal, we ate some over-indulgent fair food and then we headed for the Ferris wheel. It was all very… couldn’t write it better if I tried.

This Ferris wheel ended up not being my total cup of tea. See, being from the West Coast, I’m a big fan of the Ferris Wheel at the PNE (shout out to anyone who knows what the PNE is). I’m a big fan of Ferris wheels that are… more… permanent fixtures, and not necessarily the ones that are taken from town to town for two week periods at a time, built, taken down and rebuilt over and over. I wasn’t expecting this Ferris wheel to squeak so badly. It was also a very windy day and we were swaying pretty hard at the top. For something that I normally love to do, I wasn’t having a fun time on this Ferris wheel.

He held my hand, the whole time. He calmed me down when I was getting scared about us swaying in the wind. He made me feel better. He made me forget about the squeaking. He was just there, present, thoughtful and he made me feel safe.

That moment on the Ferris wheel, that was the moment when I stopped the ‘I’m totally okay on my own’ mentality. That was the moment when I thought ‘Dang, I really want this guy in my life’ and ‘I really need to make sure he sticks around’.

If you asked him, I’m pretty sure he’d say he felt that way when we met at the bar. He’s actually told me that before. He says that he was certain about me the night that we met.

It’s not that I was unsure about him the night we met at the bar, it was just that… it all seemed too good to be true. I needed to see him another time to make sure that I wasn’t looking at him through rose coloured glasses, if you know what I mean.

Well, the fair solidified that I wasn’t looking through rose coloured glasses. He was as good as he seemed to be. And, I was smitten.

The night of our first official date (the fair) we wound up back at my apartment. He kissed me goodnight like a gentleman and instead of letting him leave invited him in.

Since then he’s been the rock that has kept me grounded through everything life has thrown at me. He was by my side when I got fired, he’s sat in the chair next to my hospital bed through many, many nights. He helped me through my mother’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatments. He’s picked me up every time I’ve gotten knocked down from job rejection after job rejection after job rejection. He’s just been this… unwavering force of support and love behind me through everything.

He’s the type of man to work a 12 hour day to come home and offer to make me dinner. He talks me through my panic attacks and hasn’t once judged me for my anxiety. He’s the type of man who encourages my creativity, supports my dreams and desires and never says no to any silly plan that I might have… even if it means driving eight hours to spend some time wandering around a frozen lake in -32 degree Celsius (-25 Fahrenheit) weather.

We’re not perfect, and we’ve definitely had our fair share of issues, but I think that’s what really allows you to understand who’s meant to truly be in your life. If you can get through anything together, that someone is obviously worth keeping around.

Honestly, I’m the type of person who believes in signs from the universe, I’ve mentioned that several times before on this blog. It may sound cheesy but he does, to me, feel like a gift from the universe. The missing puzzle piece that I wasn’t even aware I was without.


Thank you to https://heresalittletip.wordpress.com/ for motivating me to write this all out. I’ve told bits and pieces of this story before, but I don’t think I’ve ever told it in full to anyone. So, there’s that…

I miss you.

“Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, ‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.”

Hafiz

I bet you’ve really never thought anything of it… but there is a reason why I call you my sunshine. That nickname didn’t fall upon you by accident, it was curated for you and you only. The light of the entire sky. The reason for waking each morning. The warmth of even the coldest of days days. The golden hours more beautiful than the most coveted of possessions. The brightest star in the universe. My life, my love, my one and only sunshine… look what happens with a love like that. The whole universe is brighter because of you.

2020 Resolutions

2020 seems like a great year to have a great year. In an effort to leave room for growth, I have set what I believe to be very thoughtful, very attainable resolutions. This year:

I want to be more aware of time. The time I take, the time I give, the time I make, the time I live. I want to have more appreciation for the time I get, the moments I love and the people that make them so special. I want to acknowledge, and appreciate, time… for exactly what it is. We don’t get enough of it, so in 2020 I’m going to saviour it, every second of it.

I want to love and appreciate myself. For far too long I’ve been far too critical of who I am, diminishing what I accomplish and beating myself up for what I don’t. I may not be able to attain perfection, but I can appreciate the journey and celebrate what I do accomplish.

I want to proofread my posts before I hit publish. For the past year this blog has been my thoughts, in the moment, as they happen. And, while I’m not ashamed of anything that I’ve said on this blog, I think that I would be much happier with what I publish if I checked the spelling and grammar first. My posts will never be perfect, but they can be a lot better.

I want to put myself ‘out there’. I want to see if there are companies who’ll possibly sponsor this blog. I want to write articles for other people. I want to take part in more podcasts. Dare I say, maybe one day, show my face to the world. I want to freely, take this blog in any direction that an open door can lead and never say no to an opportunity.

I want to take better care of myself, my mental health and my well being. When I get stressed out, the last thing I think about is my own well being, and I really ought to start putting myself first once in a while. I don’t need to be selfish, I just need to take care of myself. No more crying myself to sleep. I’m going to confront my feelings, eat properly, exercise, and try to see the better sides of life. I’d love to cut my sugar intake by 40-50%. I’ll always love sweet foods, but that doesn’t mean I need to eat them just because they’re there. My body is a temple and I need to treat it better so that I can feel better.

I want to learn more about photography and how to take beautiful photos. I’ve spent so many years of my life trying to edit shitty photos to make them look better for various companies that now I’d really to learn how to take beautiful photos to start with. Colour, composition, focus, flash, shutter speed… I really want to study the art of what it takes to get the perfect photo. After all, if a picture’s worth a thousand words, I might as well make them valuable words.

I want to go somewhere that I’ve never been and experience something I’ve never done. I am the type who wants to dangle my toes of the edge of waterfalls, walk hand-in-hand with weird and wild creatures of the forest, learn embarrassing phrases in foreign languages to be the ‘token tourist’ who makes everyone smile and laugh because they can’t help but love her quirky can-do attitude. So let’s go please. Let’s find an adventure.

I want to teach my friends and family of the importance of sustainability and making eco-friendly choices. I may have made small strides in 2019, but more can be done. It’s been a difficult transition for a lot of people in my life and I really want them to make better/smarter choices with respect to the purchases they’re making and the actions they’re taking. I know it’s possible, and I think with more education everyone can be making smarter choices… even if it’s as simple as buying stainless steel straws and cloth shopping bags. Every decision counts. This is our world and we ought to protect it, look after it and love it.

I want to reach a point where I no longer need to worry about money, or how I will afford things. I’m not someone who needs fancy things, but what I do need is to know that the basics, the simple things in life, will be attainable to me. I don’t want to fear my credit card bill. I don’t want to put off doing things like buying new glasses any longer. My eyeballs need new glasses. Of course, I know, a job will help with this. And, fingers crossed, the stars will align for me from that perspective.

I want to spread kindness to whomever I meet, wherever I go. The world needs more kindness and people need to know they’re loved, worthy and appreciated. If I can accomplish even the smallest fraction of that, I’ll consider it a success.

I want to test out Vessi’s Waterproof shoes to find out if they’re actually as good as they’re hyped up to be. I want to test out a weighted blanket to find out if they really help with sleep, anxiety, restlessness and all other things they claim to help with. I want to test out some noise cancelling head phones to see if they really help me avoid the rest of the world when I need to focus. Also, I’d like to test out waking up exceptionally early to see if it would really make me as productive of a person as everyone claims waking up at 4:30 am makes them.

I don’t ever want to spend another New Year’s Eve alone.

This year is going to be about openness, honesty, generosity and goodness. I want everyone to remember that you cannot do all the good that the world needs, but, the world does need all the good that you can do.

Some people.

Some people just walk into your life and you know, immediately, they’re meant to be there. They fit. They make things better. They make you better. They make the sun shine brighter and the bad days seem shorter. Some people turn your whole world around. No matter how perfect or imperfect it might be, they never let you go. And that, that means everything.