When someone tells me

When someone tells me to ‘just be happy’, I want to punch them in the face. While I’m sure a lot of them mean well, it’s really not helpful.

When someone tells me to ‘just get over it’, I want to make it an even bigger deal than it has to be. While I’m sure a lot of them mean well, it’s really not helpful.

When someone tells me ‘it’s not that bad’, I’m reminded that it’s really not possible for them to see things from my perspective. Thus, it’s really not helpful.

When someone tells me to ‘just move on’, I wish that it could be ‘just that easy’. Moving on takes time, it takes processing. It takes growth. It doesn’t just happen with the snap of your fingers.

When someone tells me how to live my life, I try my best to believe that it comes from a good place. But also, healthy boundaries are integral to maintaining my sanity.

When someone tells me that I’m bitchy, I remind them that I am assertive.

When someone tells me that I am aggressive, I remind them that I’m ambitious, not aggressive. Ambition is not a negative trait.

When someone tells me that I’m not good enough, it stings a little to hear the words out loud, but also, they’re absolutely fucking wrong. Another important fact, I don’t live by their standards, I live by my own.

I try my best to see everyone’s perspective in this world. I really do. But it’s a very important distinction to make that, even though I might see their perspective, and I might even understand them in a lot of ways, that doesn’t mean they’re right. That doesn’t mean that their standards define who I am, how I feel, react or choose to live my life.

In case no one has told you today, you get to define yourself. You can to be who you want to be. So be your best self.

What’s the cure for loneliness?

I cannot remember if I’ve asked this before on this blog. I’m just lonely and I cannot shake it. No matter what I try to do. No matter how much I try to distract myself. I’m just abundantly aware how alone I am at all times.

As much as I’m an introvert, it’s just nice sometimes to be able to cheers with someone sitting across the table. As much as I’m an introvert, it’s just nice to watch a stupid movie and hear someone else laughing in unison. As much as I’m an introvert, it’s just nice to have someone show up.

08-08-21

I have deep-rooted intense fears of failure. It’s really difficult for me to admit to that, but there are a lot of aspects of my life that I allow to be dictated by the prospect of safety, security and of not rocking the proverbial boat.

I have always tried to project to this world that I’m fearless, that I truly do believe I can do anything. Truth-be-told, that’s definitely not the case. I’m incredibly insecure and I struggle with finding the confidence to really put myself out there.

Let’s talk about a “for instance” or two… or twenty.

I’m presently trying to design a lead-generation website. I’ve been working on it since late May. I should’ve been done by down. I should’ve been done a long time ago. But, I can’t. I’m struggling every step of the way. I know what lucrative structure lead generation is, and I know that it’s quite literally some of the most passive income you can make, and I’m struggling. This should be easy for me. Why is it so hard? Why isn’t it done yet? I understand website design. I understand SEO. I understand Google Ads to put my Lead Gen at the top of Google. Why am I not done?

I’ve been talking for over a year about starting a podcast. I want to start a podcast because I like to talk, and talking on a podcast seems like a great medium to share long-form content when I’m struggling to write. I also know some really cool people with crazy stories and crazy careers. I thought that I could leverage my relationships with said people to make sure the podcast isn’t boring being only myself (roadblock one). I finally have a microphone that provides quality sound that I can sit down and record and I’ve rediscovered how much I hate my voice (roadblock two). I actually made the first episode. And… I’ve never let anyone hear it. I don’t know that I will ever let anyone hear it. I don’t even want it to become something that turns into something where tons of people hear it. I’d be happy if like 20 people listened to it in a week. But I also don’t want those 20 people thinking ‘Damn, she’s an idiot’, or ‘Damn, her voice is annoying’. So I stop myself from doing something that I want to do. Why can’t I just allow myself?

I know that I need a new resume. I know that I want to find a new and better job. I desire a job with a better pay structure and fairer treatment. Every time I sit down to work on my resume, though, I get overwhelmed. That feeling of being overwhelmed, it stops me from actually writing a new resume. 2021 has taught me a lot about the difference between knowing what you’re worth, and what your company thinks you’re worth, or tries to tell you that you’re worth. All that being said, my company has acknowledged they’re not paying me nearly enough for the industry standard, and that they know I’m worth more, but that they won’t ever be giving me that. So, I need to find my own way out. Why am I not writing my resume? I know that I need to.

Some days it feels as though I can’t get out of my own head. Some days it seems like it’s all I can do to just function like a normal human being. Then, then I start to feel sorry for myself. Then I get angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself when I’m clearly capable. I don’t doubt my abilities. I fear failure. Which is crazy.

Some days I truly wish I could get out of my own head. I’d probably be a lot more successful in life if I did.

I am anxious.

I cannot say why. I’m anxious, though. Very anxious. I am, dare I say, spiraling.

I hate anxiety. When it comes on, it comes so strong. There’s really nothing I can do to stop it. It just hits… like there are bricks laying on top of my chest, making it difficult for me to breathe, or move, or think.

I hate anxiety.

The thing about working in confidential circles is that you can’t share things with people. When you cannot share things with people you have to keep them inside and that is hard. That’s really hard.

I’m whining and I really need to stop.

I’m just anxious tonight.

I probably should sleep.

The reality of social anxiety

A while back I shared “Life with social anxiety”. In the post I go into great detail about what it’s like, from my perspective, to deal with social anxiety.

The reason why I mention that post today is because I want to, again, talk about social anxiety.

For people that don’t suffer from social anxiety, it’s hard to understand it. For people that do, it’s hard to explain it. This can lead to confusion, misunderstanding, misrepresentation of how conversations are carried out. It’s a tangled web.

See, I’m not very good with people. I’m not the type of person who will start a conversation. In fact, if you don’t start the conversation, we might not even have one. I don’t find silence to be awkward. I actually find silence to be calming. People often, though, mistake my silence for attitude.

If there’s one thing that this pandemic has done for me the past year-and-a-half, I haven’t had to explain myself as much. I haven’t had to come up with excuses for why I couldn’t go somewhere or do something. The pandemic did that for me. Now that I’m fully vaccinated and the majority of people in this province are also vaccinated, or getting vaccinated, it’s much safer to go out and do things. Events are starting again. People are meeting for coffees, or dinner and drinks, or just to sit around the table and talk.

All of those things are good. Believe me, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE GOOD. They’re just hard for me.

I’m awkward.

I don’t love hugs.

Most days I don’t even appreciate handshakes.

In social settings, I won’t deny someone a hug or a handshake if they gesture for it, but I’m definitely not going to initiate it. Sometimes I get the sense that people think I’m cold-hearted because of that.

It’s been nice to not have to force myself into situations that make me uncomfortable for a year and a half. I know, I know, I know all about how we’re supposed to do things in life that make us uncomfortable to ensure that we grow, but, when it comes to social anxiety, it isn’t a situation in which if I do it more, I become more comfortable with it.

I’ve come to the realization that I will always be awkward.

I’ve always been that person that smiles and nods at a stranger if they ask me a question or give me a compliment. Actually, when it comes to compliments, I don’t take them well at all.

Being vaccinated has given me a lot of freedom back. For that, I’m grateful. Wandering the aisles of the grocery story without worry is a really good feeling. It will take me some time to adjust, though, to being around people again. Conversations in passing, meeting for coffee, going to birthday parties (haven’t really started here yet but I know they will), getting my haircut… these things will take me time. I am that girl who will sit in the stylist’s chair for several hours (I have long hair) and maybe say two or three words the entire time. Over the course of those several hours getting my hair cut, I will worry about what the stylist is thinking of me. But, I won’t open my mouth to talk. That is social anxiety guiding me.

For those that know me, they know that I struggle with social interactions. For those that don’t, I’m all too sure they think I’m rude. I think about that a lot, actually. I think about what everyone thinks about me. All the time. They don’t dictate who I am, or who I get to be, but I still do worry I’m leaving the wrong impression.

I guess, as the world opens up again, it’s important to be patient with people.

I am who I am. My social anxiety guides a lot of what I do. If I say no to an invitation, that’s not a reflection of the invitee, that’s me. If I integrate back into the world slowly, there’s a reason for that.

Social anxiety is complicated.

Some days

Some days I wander around this earth waiting for the rug to be pulled from beneath my feet. Some days all I do is wait for the other shoe to drop. Some days, I say. Some days.

There are days when I am confident, when not a thing in this world can touch me. There are days when the smile on my face is genuine. There are days when I don’t have to worry. There are days.

These days I worry a lot. These days I’m sad a lot. These days I’m very lonely. These days I don’t know what to do. These days I’m afraid to be honest with people because everyone always says ‘Oh but you have so much’. It’s true, I do have a lot in my life. Things don’t always equal fulfillment, though. Things are just things. Fulfillment comes from within. These days…

One day I’ll figure out what exactly it is that I am chasing. One day I’ll feel as though I finally fit in this world, somewhere. One day I’ll have all of the answers. One day.

Until then, I don’t have the answers… just a lot of questions.

Reflecting on my 2020 Resolutions

Tonight seemed like a really great night to look back on the resolutions that I made for myself at this time last year… before the reality that was 2020 hit all of our lives.

2020 Resolutions >

The gist of last year’s resolution is in bold. My explanation of how well or poorly it went follows.

I want to be more aware of time. This is a resolution that I genuinely feel I accomplished in 2020. While it was likely forced on me because of the pandemic, I do feel that I am now, more than ever, aware of time. The time I take, the time I make, the time I kill and the time I waste. I’m more aware than ever of how much time I both have and don’t have and why time is both my best friend and worst nightmare depending on what day fo the week it is.

I want to love and appreciate myself. I’m going to say that I got half-way there in 2020. While I love and appreciate certain aspects of myself, I still have (and probably always will) major insecurities. There are parts of my life where I’m too confident for my own good and parts of my life in which I’m a shell of a human being. Overall, progress was made, but there’s more room for growth.

I want to proofread my posts before I hit publish. I epically failed at this. I genuinely write my posts as they come to my head. I know that it sounds like an excuse, and that’s because it is one. If I worried about checking my spelling and grammar before publishing, I’d never get anything published. My spelling and grammar sucks. I’m okay with that.

I want to put myself ‘out there’. I started working and lost both time and motivation to make this a project for me.

I want to take better care of myself, my mental health and my well being. While anxiety is still a massive issue in my life, I’m happy to say that I cut a lot of sugar out of my diet. I still do believe that my body is a temple and that I need to treat it a lot better than I do, but I’m accepting of the fact that I am a work in progress and that quitting Pepsi and Redbull might not be in the cards for me. Though I definitely can cut down on it a lot.

I want to learn more about photography and how to take beautiful photos. I took two courses in photography and one course in editing this year. I’m not sure if everyone would think the photos I take are beautiful, but I definitely do.

I want to go somewhere that I’ve never been and experience something I’ve never done. Pre-COVID I was too broke to go anywhere I’ve never been. Since I’ve started working, I’ve been playing it safe and not going new places because, I both don’t want to get sick and I don’t want to make anyone else sick. This might need to be a plan for 2021… if vaccines roll out by the end of next year.

I want to teach my friends and family of the importance of sustainability and making eco-friendly choices. I’m really proud of how far my friends and family have come with respect to making sustainable and eco-friendly choices. I think having an open dialogue and teaching one another about waste accrual and hyper consumerism and the negative effects they have on the planet really made the people in my life take positive changes. It’s amazing to see.

I want to reach a point where I no longer need to worry about money, or how I will afford things. I am not there yet, but I am trying.

I want to spread kindness to whomever I meet, wherever I go.  I truly believe that you can never give too much kindness. We all have our bad days, I know I’ve certainly had mine, but through it all I’ve tried to do good by those I’ve met.

I want to test out Vessi’s Waterproof shoes to find out if they’re actually as good as they’re hyped up to be. I got these for my birthday and they are AMAZING. I am so glad that I own them. They’re a pricey item, but if they are within your budget, I highly recommend.

I don’t ever want to spend another New Year’s Eve alone. Epic fail on this one.

With all that’s happened in the past 12 months, I’m really not sure if this year was about openness, honesty, generosity and goodness in the way that I had hoped it would be. But, I still have hope for this world. And at the end of the day, I definitely still do want everyone to remember that you cannot do all the good that the world needs, but, the world does need all the good that you can do.

Blogmas Day 16

If you read my post two days ago (prior to my removing it), I did manage to get in contact with the person to which I was speaking of. Because I was able to get in contact with them, I decided to remove the post. Due to the nature of the post, I didn’t want it to stay there.

I fell of the Blogmas motivation train. I’m a few days behind. Rather than trying to catch up, I’m just labelling this post with the applicable day.

I’ve been sick for about a week now. I’ve also been dealing with extreme amounts of anxiety. Between the two, I haven’t been sleeping much and I definitely haven’t been enjoying life. I can’t tell you why I’m so anxious. Perhaps it’s the time of year. Perhaps it’s me being worried that I am sicker than I am. Perhaps there’s no reason at all. All I know is… dang it’s really hard to just exist some days. With this heightened anxiety that I’ve been feeling, it’s (and I didn’t come up with this analogy, I heard it from my doctor) the feeling of fear that you’re being chased by a bear whilst doing nothing more than watching television.

I did see my doctor yesterday to get some medication that’ll help me fight off this sickness. The last thing I need right now is to get worse, and since my body doesn’t seem to be fighting it off, I needed the extra hand that antibiotics could provide.

I’m planning to lay low until Christmas. Maybe even the New Year. I just want to recover and be healthy again. Perhaps if I am healthy again some of this anxiety will fade.

Winter solstice (the shortest day of the year) is in just a few short days. After that the days will begin getting longer again. I cannot begin to explain how in need i am of more daylight in a day.

Alrighty, time to get back to work.