One of the reasons that I was very anxious about how sick I was this past week was because one of my coworkers recently let us know that he tested positive for COVID.
Firstly, I wasn’t surprised when he told us. I’ve written about him on this blog before, here and here. Basically, he’s been exceptionally careless about the ongoing pandemic. He’s been going on dates and hooking up with females like it’s nobody’s business, and, detailing his exploits on the company discord. The fact that he has COVID was a little bit of karma finally catching up with him.
“Practice safe sex” really takes on a whole new meaning when there’s a deadly pandemic sweeping the globe. I can’t imagine the frustration of the health care workers trying to do contact tracing and having to follow ‘Girl I had sex with from Tinder’ as a lead.
While I haven’t been physically present within six feet of him, we were in the same office together for several days. We walked the same halls, opened the same doors, you know… we shared the same vicinity. So, the fact that I was really sick had me extremely worried that it was COVID and that I had caught it from him.’
Anyways, apparently he’s felt like absolute shit. He went so far as to say this is the sickest he’s ever been in his entire life. Do we think he’s going to learn anything from this experience? Doubtful.
The good news is, I didn’t have COVID. I had the flu. I’m feeling much better now, which I am grateful for. I think I was feeling extra whiney when I was sick because I had the added anxiety of waiting for test results. Thankfully I was able to avoid people for several days so I know for certain that no one else got sick because of me.
Grocery delivery is quickly becoming one of my favourite conveniences.
As for Axel, haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. Hopefully he’s recovering well. Even if he did have this coming, I still hope he’s not suffering too badly.
Back when we first started hearing about this virus in late January on the news, one of the first things my brother said about it was “You really can’t vouch for the healthiness of anyone but yourself”. Which is so, so, so true. If anyone who reads this is dating during this pandemic, just be careful. You really can’t vouch for the health of the other person… even if they say they’re perfectly healthy. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
Just because there are some things that I am unhappy about does not mean there isn’t good in my life. Just because there are some things that I am insecure about does not mean that I don’t like myself. Just because I have doubts does not mean that I don’t have certainties. Just because I’m an idiot when it comes to some things doesn’t mean that I’m an idiot when it comes to all things.
It’s okay to not have all of the answers. It’s okay if you don’t have a clear path. I don’t care what people say about trying not being good enough. Trying beats the hell out of being stagnant in life.
It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to screw up. What’s not okay is refusing to learn lessons from those times in life that seem so damn bad, you don’t ever know how you’re going to recover. Acknowledging your missteps and learning from them is literally the first step towards recovering, carving a new path and ensuring you don’t fuck up the same way twice.
Often times we treat these situations in life as though they’re rules. Rules we cannot break. We cannot possibly be insecure, unsure, uneasy or unhappy because if we’re any of these things it means we’re not secure, sure, easy-going or happy. That’s simply not the case. The world isn’t black and white. There are so many shades of grey and being able to understand that will bring a lot of peace, I promise you.
Don’t let people tell you how to feel, your feelings are warranted. Don’t let people tell you who to be or what to believe. You are who you are for a reason. That doesn’t mean that who you are is who you always have to be. Human beings are a work in progress and it’s well within you to change, if you want to. If you don’t, though… be proud of who you are. Flaws and all. Uncertainties and all. Insecurities and all. Uneasiness and all. No one else in this world is you.
After about a month of absolutely debilitating anxiety that has kept me from, well… everything…. I finally worked up the courage today to go to the doctor and seek some help.
This wasn’t an easy step for me to take for many reasons, one of which being that, even with doctor’s offices being very careful with respect to COVID, the idea of being in a small waiting room with someone who was potentially ill made me very anxious. Nevertheless, I did it.
When I got to the doctor I learned that maximum capacity had already been met for the day and they could not take any more patients because they would not be able to see any more patients before closing. Their waiting room was full and with the amount of people who were in there already, they were likely going to be there late.
While I completely understand the situation, I left feeling really defeated. It’d taken me so long to work up the courage to go and admit to my anxiety and when I got there, I was turned away.
The woman whom I spoke with at the clinic told me that I could come back during the week. I just, I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to work up the nerve to go for a second time.
I know that I have to do something. I was just hoping that everything would’ve worked out the way I wanted it to. Being anxious is not important enough means for me to be in the emergency room. So, I think I just need to muster the strength to get back there at some point this week.
The last time that I saw a doctor about my anxiety, they provided me a referral for a therapist. Attending those appointments actually helped me considerably at the time. I wasn’t able to continue because the referral that I was given was only for a certain number of appointments. While that therapist is in another province, I still somehow wish I could just go back and see her. She understood me.
Right now my anxiety is so bad that hypotheticals of hypotheticals of hypotheticals are keeping me from sleeping. Ex: My landlord works for a company that was talked about on the news this past week because they announced massive COVID related layoffs. Immediately I was hit with a fear that he’s getting laid off and because he’s getting laid off he’s going to sell his house because he needs they money and when he sells his house then I’ll be without residence and needing a place to land, in the middle of the winter.
Why is my mind trailing so far down these rabbit holes and why can’t I stop it?
I have to stop watching the news.
I have to do something.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I think I can do this. I think I can get back to the Doctor this week.
On paper everything sounds perfect. In reality, I cannot shake this anxious pit in my stomach.
I hate being truthful about it because I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I know how lucky I am. Anxiety is not logical, though. There doesn’t need to be a reason or a rhyme. Sometimes you just have to deal with the quakes as they come.
My mind has been plagued with so many worries for the past week that it’s been difficult to fall asleep, and when I finally do fall asleep, it’s been increasingly difficult to wake up and actually get up.
Hiding from the world seems ideal. The world can’t hurt me if I’m hiding in my room.
So, let’s start:
My office is opening on Monday. Two of my coworkers tested positive for Corona Virus yesterday. They weren’t in the office, but, it does serve as a reminder to me that I have no control over how safe, or not safe, my coworkers are being with their interactions. I’ll admit, I’m terrified that I’m going to go into that office and it’s going to take no time before I’m sick.
Not only that but stupid thoughts are plaguing my mind. How do I share the coffee maker? Should I buy a cooler style lunch bag so that I don’t have to share the fridge with people? Not sharing the fridge will keep me out of the lunch room and further away from people. Is it weird to be afraid of your coworkers? The city is still in triple digits for positive cases being reported daily.
Kids are also going back to school next week. Since our Premier is determined to share literal propaganda about this virus and how people contract it, I’m ultimately concerned that social distancing is going to fall by the waist side and cases are going to shoot right back up. And at that time, is my office going to stay open? Will my office close again? What’s the future look like in a world that is anything but certain?
In September I’ll also be attending a memorial service for my uncle who passed away earlier this year. Technically speaking we’re still not supposed to be holding gathering’s here. Rather than a memorial service at a Funeral Home or inside a large room somewhere, we’re going to be having it on a beach. Even being on the beach, I’m still nervous about it. I’m trying to arrange getting a Corona Virus test before going but I’ve learned that I cannot get a guaranteed return period for results. The memorial service is on a Saturday, and if I get a test on a Friday, I cannot get a guarantee that I’d have the results for Saturday. It’s making me nervous because, while I don’t intend on getting too close to anyone, I honestly would never forgive myself if I were the reason for one of my family members getting sick. For that reason, I want the test. So I have to figure out what day to get the test for guaranteed return of results.
Speaking of going to a memorial service, I’m basically not allowed to return to work for two weeks following. The week following the memorial service there are two crucial virtual events that I’m supposed to be prepping our company for. Doing that from home is going to be difficult. I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve been working from home since May so it shouldn’t be that much harder. It’s just going to involve me having to hire people to do some things at the office that I can’t do.
I’m also worried about money. I’m always worried about money. That doesn’t seem to go away for me. I think that’s something that largely effects the majority of the human race, so I am trying to remind myself to not let that get the better of me. It’s been plaguing me since childhood so it’s really nothing new.
Am I overreacting? I’m certain that I am. Anxiety is not logical, though. Anxiety has never been logical. I’m just worried. And the worries don’t seem to lessen no matter what I do. So I don’t see myself leaving my bed any time soon.
My three month probationary period review is on Thursday. It was supposed to be last week, but it got moved to this week, so I’ve had to carry that nervousness around with me for an extra seven days.
I’ve been very anxious about the review.
If I make it through this review without getting fired, I’ll have passed the probationary period, I’ll be an official employee with benefits and holiday time and get a work credit card and all that jazz.
But I keep telling myself ‘if’. ‘If’. ‘If’. It’s a word that can really eat away at you if you let it. And, for some reason, I’ve been letting it eat away at me since my review was rescheduled from last week to this week.
What if they fire me?
What if they say ‘hasta la vista’ and they just don’t give a damn?
What if this all ends and comes crashing down around me as quickly as it started?
I’ve been doing really good with respect to my anxiety for the past two months. I’ve had very few major issues and, for the most part, when I get anxious, I’ve been able to be reasonable and calm myself down.
This afternoon I sent my boss a message on Microsoft Teams chat and they read it and didn’t respond. They didn’t respond and my mind just started racing.
‘What if I’ve failed?’
‘What if this all ends on Thursday?’
‘What if I’m fired?’
It didn’t take long before I was struggling to breathe and found myself curled up in a ball unsure of what to do. I’d like to think I’m calmer and a lot more collected than having a panic attack because my boss left me on read.
All that being said, perhaps if I survive Thursday then I will be.
Here’s to hoping they don’t fire me. Confident me says they won’t. Anxious me says that the worst case scenario is always possible, no matter how confident I am.
I don’t normally do product reviews on my blog. Actually, I don’t know that I’ve ever done one before. But, on January 1, I made a New Year’s Resolution that I was going to get myself a weighted blanket. Now that I have it, I want to talk about it.
This is a product review for the YNM Weighted Blanket.
YNM’s description of their blanket:
YnM is a premium-grade weighted blanket that helps relax your body by simulating the feeling of being held or hugged, making you fall asleep faster and sleep better throughout the night.
After years of research and practical application and learning from our countless customer feedbacks and reviews, the YnM R&D team achieved this fabulous 2.0 Weighted Blanket.
SLEEP As someone who suffers from anxiety, I can say without a doubt in my mind that this blanket has improved my sleep ten fold. I’m someone who tosses and turns in my sleep and frequently has bad dreams that wake me up. At times I can lay awake for hours on end feeling anxious with my mind racing a mile a minute. Sleeping an entire night through seems like the equivalent of climbing Mount Everest some nights. Since incorporating a weighted blanket into my night’s I’ve felt a lot calmer. I feel as though I am falling asleep easier and I’m staying asleep longer.
I’ll admit, when I read about these blankets online, I was worried that it was a gimmick. Which is partially why I wanted to test it for myself… I wanted to say ‘AH-HA! You’re lying!’ Truth is… they’re not lying. A weighted blanket feels a bit like sleeping in a cocoon. You feel safe and warm and comforted.
A weighted blanket won’t make your anxiety disappear, but it will help you sleep if you’re feeling anxious. It does help you feel comforted. It does help you feel warm and snug and cozy.
PRICE I had put off testing one of these for a long time due to financial strain. They aren’t cheap, and given that they’re so heavy, a lot of companies that sell them charge astronomical shipping.
Recently, though, I stumbled upon the YNM Brand of weighted blankets on Amazon and they were on sale at the time. Instead of being $119 it was just $73. To me, this seemed like a reasonable price to test it out as a basic comforter would cost you at least $100 at Wal Mart. The extra benefit to ordering it off Amazon was that it had free shipping.
I strongly recommend looking for, or waiting for, a sale for weighted blankets. They can be quite pricey ($300+ and added shipping) if you just purchase the first one that comes up on google.
QUALITY For $73, I continue to be thoroughly impressed with the quality of this blanket. It’s thick, the stitching is deep and each individual 4×4 square is measured evenly and reinforced to ensure there is no disproportionate weight distribution over time/use.
The fabric is cooling so it’ll be a nice sleep companion in any season, especially now in the heat of summer. All in all, it’s a very well made blanket.
SIZE This is where I’m thoroughly confused about weighted blankets. I have a queen sized blanket on my full sized mattress (pictured here) and the blanket drapes over the side of the mattress with just enough length to cover the mattress (which makes my OCD happy). So, after measuring my mattress and the blanket that I have, I thought I would be safe to order a queen sized weighted blanket for my full sized bed. When the queen sized weighted blanket showed up, it only covered the top of my bed.
After doing some reading online, I see that a lot of people say that the weighted blanket is only supposed to cover the top of the mattress because the weight of the blanket can cause it to fall off either side of the bed if it drapes over the edges. Also, apparently the blanket is supposed to drape over you and not your bed.
So, I guess it’s supposed to be that way…
That being said, I did order a queen sized blanket for a full sized mattress and it fits the top of the mattress perfectly. So, keep the side discrepancy in mind when considering a weighted blanket from this brand as a queen size mattress is seven inches wider and five inches longer than a full size mattress.
AESTHETIC It’s not pretty. It’s just not. If you’re someone who cares a lot about what your bedding looks like, you may want to do some hunting for appropriate covers or patterns on a weighted blanket. For me, I always intended to put the blanket underneath the blanket already on my bed, so I really didn’t care what it looked like. That being said, if you wish to only use the weighted blanket on your bed and nothing else, the basic grey is a little dull. I should also note that, as a weighted blanket, it’s prone to wrinkles. A lot of wrinkles. If that’s something that might bother you, I recommend getting a thin comforter or throw to put over top so you cannot see the wrinkles.
Overall Ranking: 7.5/10
Could it be better? Absolutely. In spite of what people online say, I do think it would be better if the blanket itself draped over the side of the mattress. The sizing could possibly just be an issue with the YNM brand of blanket I bought. It seems like it would be a little excessive to order a king sized blanket for a full sized mattress. Perhaps other brands don’t have the same issues. Definitely do your research.
Am I keeping it? Absolutely. It’s comforting. It makes me feel good when I lay down at night. I can look past the aesthetic and weird sizing, so it’s a great fit for me. For $73, I think it was well worth the money spent. And, I can completely see why so many people love these blankets.
A couple of noteworthy points:
A lot of websites state that the weight of the blanket you order should coincide with your body-weight. I ignored that recommendation. I ordered a fifteen pound blanket and I honestly don’t think I’d want one that’s any heavier. I don’t want to feel like I’m being smothered in my sleep.
Weighted blankets cannot be put in a traditional washing machine. So, either purchase a cover or do not let pets on your bed. Otherwise, your dry-cleaning bill will go way up.
If you’re worried your partner won’t like a weighted blanket, you can purchase a small one, such a twin-sized blanket and then use it on the bottom of your bed as a ‘throw’. Then when you’re feeling anxious you can pull it over you without disrupting your partner at all.
New Year’s Resolution to purchase a weighted blanket – done. And I’m glad that I did. I think I might buy one as a gift for my friends/family when birthdays and Christmas come around.