So… I ditched Derrick.

It’s true, I did. My life is presently Derrick free at the moment. And, whilst things haven’t really calmed down since, I am feeling a certain gratitude for not having to deal with him.

I fled for British Columbia, where the forests are plentiful and the cell reception is sparse. There’s a neighbourhood moose that likes to walk down the street in the morning’s – perhaps he’s up early to get his workout done before his day begins. (And yes, it’s a ‘he’. I’m Canadian, we know these things) It’s very much a small town… the kind of place where everyone seems to know everyone and there’s a mini-van in every driveway and a roast in every oven. Oh, it’s also the kind of place where there’s still snow on the ground on April 16. Yeah, there’s definitely character.

As far as my health goes, I received no diagnosis from the Ear Nose and Throat Specialist. Not only that, but I also was told that he’s got nothing left to do to help me and that there’s no explanation for it, so I just have to live with it. It wasn’t the answer that I wanted, but, until I can find a new doctor who’s willing to think outside of the box, I guess I do just have to live with it.

In taking steps with my anxiety, I got a referral to talk with a Psychologist. They’re supposed to call me next Monday. I’ve known for a while now, at least a few months, that talking to someone could be a benefit to me. I’ve just been scared to go because I don’t have insurance right now and it’s quite expensive. That being said, I’ve decided that I’m going to go and I’m going to try it. We’ll see what happens. Trying to explain to the doctor that I have anxiety and not depression was a struggle.

I’m trying really hard to keep my insecurities in check. Not because I’m afraid of them, but moreso because I do not want to let them win. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself, but everyone has to start somewhere.

Here’s to starting from somewhere. My brother sent me a text message that said ‘May the odds be forever in your favour’. Here’s to hoping.

Anxious, uneasy and frustrated.

I’m anxious.

My mind won’t calm down, no matter what I do. I start by asking myself questions about what arrangement is correct for my cover-letter and my thoughts quickly spiral into asking what happens if my mom’s treatments don’t take. To say it’s out of control would be an understatement and there’s really nothing that I can do about it.

I’m uneasy.

It’s difficult trying to play-the-game in a world that seems anything but fair or realistic. What’s really easy for me these days is feeling like I am the problem. Feeling like there is something wrong with me, that is something that I can’t shake.

I’m frustrated.

This situation that I’m presently in is weighing on my heart. I want my own space. I want to know that the future is going to be positive. I want a sign of when this is all going to be over and when I can breathe easy again. There’s this weight that’s permanently hanging over me, the weight of depression, slowly eating away at my happy moments each and every day. I don’t want to continue like this because I don’t know how long it’s going to be before my happiness disappears all together.

I realize this sounds exceptionally dramatic. I’m not even trying to be that way, it’s just how today is happening for me. Nothing seems like a small deal and everything feels as though I need to conquer the world to make it through.

Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am not supposed to be happy. Maybe this is as good as it gets. It sucks that I’m really starting to believe myself when I say that.

Things that you should do E-V-E-R-Y SINGLE DAY

These things, they may seem rather straight forward, but, sometimes it’s just nice to see things in writing to remind myself. I know that I need a reminder every day. I also find this list is filled with things that are really easy to overlook/talk yourself out of doing.

  1. Drink water. There are integral benefits to your body when you fill it with lots of water each and every day. Feel a headache coming on? Drink some water. Feeling thirsty and tired? Drink some water. Bored? Drink some water. It’s not a be all to end all cure, but it sure does help in a lot of ways.
  2. Wash your face. Your face is your first impression – get yourself a gentle cleanser, one without fragrance, and make sure that you’re washing it. Get rid of the dirt and impurities that might be hiding in your skin after a long day of it being filled with pollutants. Guy or girl, your skin will thank you for it.
  3. Watch the news. Read the news. Listen to the news. And I mean the news, not a facebook or twitter update. I believe that it’s highly important for EVERYONE to be informed of what is happening in the world. You might not think that things half a world away will have an affect on you, but when Saudi oil prices rise or goods from China are more heavily taxed, these things will make a difference in all our lives. Really, I could go on and on about this one – but I’ll just leave it with – keep yourself in the know so that you don’t look like a fool if you don’t.
  4. Be active. Whatever this looks like for you and your body and your lifestyle, do it. Stretch, go for a ten minute walk, go to the gym, do some yoga, do whatever it is that you can to get your body moving and your endorphins running. Endorphins trigger positivity… and who doesn’t want to be more positive?
  5. Stay organized and clean. There is truth to the statement ‘healthy space, healthy mind’. Walking into a dirty house, bedroom or bathroom can fill you with anxiety. Don’t allow yourself those triggers. Keep your home organized and clean.
  6. Wear sunscreen… EVEN ON CLOUDY DAYS. UVA and UVB rays can penetrate you anywhere and everywhere. Protect your skin from being leathery and wrinkly when you get old, and protect yourself from the very real reality that is skin cancer. That’s not meant as a scare tactic. It’s just something that’s true. It’s so easy to put on sunscreen, so why not?
  7. Eat breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, nutritionally speaking. It sets your metabolism for the rest of the day and it either makes, or breaks (if you don’t eat it) your energy that you can put forth during the day. Start your day with a nutritious breakfast and notice the difference in makes in how you operate the rest of the day.
  8. Face your fears. Insecurities are something that can very easily eat away at you if you let them. But, if you go out and go after your fears each day, even if it’s in a small way, they’re not going to feel so big the next day. I think Lululemon penned the saying originally, but ‘do one thing a day that scares you’.
  9. Ask yourself “Do I really need this?” In this day and age, it’s really easy to purchase things that you don’t need but feel the desire to buy because of a whim. If you have a hard time keeping a budget, or even if you don’t, don’t be someone who collects thing just to collect them. If it’s going to take up space and clutter your life, you don’t need to bring it home from the store.
  10. Remember who you are. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like being yourself isn’t good enough. If you’ve got a sense of humour, if you’ve got a bubbly personality, let those shine through. Let the world see who you are and don’t ever shy away from that. The best people in this world show exactly who they are. Don’t ever be afraid of that.

Things that help to calm an anxious mind.

As I’m sure anyone with anxiety is well aware, some days are good and some are bad. Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world and some days I have so much anxiety that my anxiety gives me more anxiety. It’s as though I am fearing the fear itself.

Thankfully, over the years, I’ve managed to come up with a few means to calm myself down when I need to get my balance in check. I think of it much like self-care, but not in the way that most lists you find around the internet make it out to sound. No face masks, no essential oils, just balance. Balance is key, I find.

  1. Playing https://rainymood.com/. There’s something so peaceful about the sound of rain for me that it reminds the mind to simmer down and take life easy.
  2. Go to Yoga. Now this one is important to me. I am not a Yogi. I am not even a regular visitor to the yoga studio. Yoga is HARD. But, yoga is also exceptionally calming. Being in a room that peaceful with as many people around me all wanting the same peace I am seeking, it’s motivating to calm down. Putting yourself in an environment that promotes what you’re seeking, I have found to be exceptionally helpful to my well being.
  3. Cut the caffeine. This is because when I am anxious, caffeine only makes me worse. On days when I’m extremely anxious, I won’t have any caffeine at all.
  4. Getting a manicure. Sitting in the chair of a nail salon and having a stranger massage your fingers and clean up your cuticles is very calming. The salon’s always play relaxing music and it’s nice to just have someone else look after you, even if it is only for a half hour or forty minutes. I highly recommend this, even if you’re a guy. You don’t need to even paint your nails. Just having someone look after you is worth it.
  5. Taking in fresh air. Fresh air is good for the mind, body and soul. Whether it’s walk, a bike ride, or just sitting on my deck and reading a book, the fresh air of the outdoors always helps me find my calm. Furthermore, it’s a thought-blocker to hear the birds chirping and the squirrels running. #DoubleWhammy
  6. Telling myself that my fear is trash. Writing down what is wrong, everything that is negative or everything that I am afraid of and then tearing up the paper and throwing it away. It’s very therapeutic to throw away all of your fears, even if it is only metaphorical.
  7. Talk to someone who cares. I don’t need to talk about my anxiety, my fear or anything of the sort. Sometimes, just talking to someone makes me feel so much better. It helps me feel normal and connected with the world. It’s also a welcome distraction.
  8. Rewatching episodes of Friends or Frasier. These are my two favourite tv shows of all time. I don’t have Netflix, I use ‘ProjectFreeTV’. At this point in time I’ve seen Friends so much that I could likely regurgitate every line from every episode. But hey, you like what you like. And it helps when you know that something makes you smile.
  9. Colour. Adult colouring books are one of the greatest things to come to market in the past 10 years, for me. There’s something so soothing about pulling out my container of markers and opening up my colouring book. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for some peace in their life.
  10. Read a book. Or Read WordPress blog posts. Or read the newspaper. Or read anything. Because reading slows down the thoughts in my mind. And, if the thoughts in my mind slow down then the anxiety slows down. Reading someone else’s words is quite often the thing that helps the most. I think that’s why I find myself on this website so much.

Of course, everyone is so individual when it comes to anxiety that what works for someone might not make a difference for someone else. I think it’s all about trying to find the balance in your mind. So, if anyone has any suggestions of what they do to help calm themselves when they get anxious, I would love if you could share them with me.

Fighting my inner demons.

I’m not crazy. At least not clinically so. But I, like many, have a little voice in my head that likes to fill my mind with self-doubt, insecurity and fear. Fear of now, fear of the future, fear of the unknown and sometimes fear of absolutely nothing at all.

Over the years I’ve come to learn that one my biggest flaws is my ability to to doubt myself. I don’t know why I have this negative voice, or how it got so powerful, but, one of my goals for 2019 is to quiet that voice.

Just two months into the year and I do believe I’ve been making a strong effort unleash my inner positivity. And I’m not going to lie, it’s been a real struggle. With all that’s going on, it’s really easy for me to look at the negative. It’s really easy for me to be sad, depressed, anxious or just hate the day all around. I don’t want to stay that person, though.

So, I have been making some changes in my life. I have stopped drinking caffeine at night. I have been making an effort to exercise, at least a small amount, every day. I’ve started challenging myself to do things that make me anxious. I’ve been spending more time with Knight, and with my family, and around people who life up me, and people who believe in me. 2018 was filled with so much negativity for me that I cut a lot of people out of my life. I realized that they were simply just too hard for me to be around.

I’ve been taking it day by day, and will continue to do so in spite of not all days are good, and it’s helping. I am trying my very best. And it’s helping my overall being. I can feel it. Each day that voice of doubt, pain and anger is getting smaller and smaller.

Here’s to hoping I can keep this up. Because I want to be in a good place. I want more for myself and my future, and I don’t want to let my inner doubt win any longer.

Fuck you, anxiety.

I woke up today anxious.

I have no reason to be anxious. There’s nothing wrong. I’m not waiting on news. I’m not in peril. I’m not in pain. My family and friends are all alright. What is wrong? Why is my anxiety through the roof right now? I don’t know.

Perhaps that’s the thing that pisses me off about anxiety. When there’s something clearly wrong with me I am able to work through and figure out how to de-stress my life, my self or my surroundings. But anxiety doesn’t always work like that. Anxiety works like a massive ninja that sneaks up on you like a massive ninja when you least expect it, leaving you distraught, unsettled and frustrated with life.

I’m not sure how much I’ll do today or how far I’ll go. Perhaps my time is best spent at home, looking after myself. I don’t know.. we’ll see.

Too many thoughts.

Do you ever have those times when there are so many thoughts running through your head that you can’t put them to page fast enough? It’s as though your brain is working on over-drive and trying to compute the data seems as though it’s an impossible task? Oh and forget shutting it down, or even slowing it down. Once your brain gets like this, all you can do is strap in and hold on for dear-life.