Reflecting on my 2020 Resolutions

Tonight seemed like a really great night to look back on the resolutions that I made for myself at this time last year… before the reality that was 2020 hit all of our lives.

2020 Resolutions >

The gist of last year’s resolution is in bold. My explanation of how well or poorly it went follows.

I want to be more aware of time. This is a resolution that I genuinely feel I accomplished in 2020. While it was likely forced on me because of the pandemic, I do feel that I am now, more than ever, aware of time. The time I take, the time I make, the time I kill and the time I waste. I’m more aware than ever of how much time I both have and don’t have and why time is both my best friend and worst nightmare depending on what day fo the week it is.

I want to love and appreciate myself. I’m going to say that I got half-way there in 2020. While I love and appreciate certain aspects of myself, I still have (and probably always will) major insecurities. There are parts of my life where I’m too confident for my own good and parts of my life in which I’m a shell of a human being. Overall, progress was made, but there’s more room for growth.

I want to proofread my posts before I hit publish. I epically failed at this. I genuinely write my posts as they come to my head. I know that it sounds like an excuse, and that’s because it is one. If I worried about checking my spelling and grammar before publishing, I’d never get anything published. My spelling and grammar sucks. I’m okay with that.

I want to put myself ‘out there’. I started working and lost both time and motivation to make this a project for me.

I want to take better care of myself, my mental health and my well being. While anxiety is still a massive issue in my life, I’m happy to say that I cut a lot of sugar out of my diet. I still do believe that my body is a temple and that I need to treat it a lot better than I do, but I’m accepting of the fact that I am a work in progress and that quitting Pepsi and Redbull might not be in the cards for me. Though I definitely can cut down on it a lot.

I want to learn more about photography and how to take beautiful photos. I took two courses in photography and one course in editing this year. I’m not sure if everyone would think the photos I take are beautiful, but I definitely do.

I want to go somewhere that I’ve never been and experience something I’ve never done. Pre-COVID I was too broke to go anywhere I’ve never been. Since I’ve started working, I’ve been playing it safe and not going new places because, I both don’t want to get sick and I don’t want to make anyone else sick. This might need to be a plan for 2021… if vaccines roll out by the end of next year.

I want to teach my friends and family of the importance of sustainability and making eco-friendly choices. I’m really proud of how far my friends and family have come with respect to making sustainable and eco-friendly choices. I think having an open dialogue and teaching one another about waste accrual and hyper consumerism and the negative effects they have on the planet really made the people in my life take positive changes. It’s amazing to see.

I want to reach a point where I no longer need to worry about money, or how I will afford things. I am not there yet, but I am trying.

I want to spread kindness to whomever I meet, wherever I go.  I truly believe that you can never give too much kindness. We all have our bad days, I know I’ve certainly had mine, but through it all I’ve tried to do good by those I’ve met.

I want to test out Vessi’s Waterproof shoes to find out if they’re actually as good as they’re hyped up to be. I got these for my birthday and they are AMAZING. I am so glad that I own them. They’re a pricey item, but if they are within your budget, I highly recommend.

I don’t ever want to spend another New Year’s Eve alone. Epic fail on this one.

With all that’s happened in the past 12 months, I’m really not sure if this year was about openness, honesty, generosity and goodness in the way that I had hoped it would be. But, I still have hope for this world. And at the end of the day, I definitely still do want everyone to remember that you cannot do all the good that the world needs, but, the world does need all the good that you can do.

Blogmas Day 16

If you read my post two days ago (prior to my removing it), I did manage to get in contact with the person to which I was speaking of. Because I was able to get in contact with them, I decided to remove the post. Due to the nature of the post, I didn’t want it to stay there.

I fell of the Blogmas motivation train. I’m a few days behind. Rather than trying to catch up, I’m just labelling this post with the applicable day.

I’ve been sick for about a week now. I’ve also been dealing with extreme amounts of anxiety. Between the two, I haven’t been sleeping much and I definitely haven’t been enjoying life. I can’t tell you why I’m so anxious. Perhaps it’s the time of year. Perhaps it’s me being worried that I am sicker than I am. Perhaps there’s no reason at all. All I know is… dang it’s really hard to just exist some days. With this heightened anxiety that I’ve been feeling, it’s (and I didn’t come up with this analogy, I heard it from my doctor) the feeling of fear that you’re being chased by a bear whilst doing nothing more than watching television.

I did see my doctor yesterday to get some medication that’ll help me fight off this sickness. The last thing I need right now is to get worse, and since my body doesn’t seem to be fighting it off, I needed the extra hand that antibiotics could provide.

I’m planning to lay low until Christmas. Maybe even the New Year. I just want to recover and be healthy again. Perhaps if I am healthy again some of this anxiety will fade.

Winter solstice (the shortest day of the year) is in just a few short days. After that the days will begin getting longer again. I cannot begin to explain how in need i am of more daylight in a day.

Alrighty, time to get back to work.

Feelings and whatnot

I don’t think that I’ve ever felt lower of myself then I have in the past couple of months.

It really doesn’t matter how much of a pep talk I try to give myself. It really doesn’t matter how many times I try to tell myself that I need to not be so hard on myself. I see myself in the mirror and I feel depressed.

I’m pretty certain that almost everyone deals with self confidence issues from time to time and that what I feel is not unique to me. That being said, that doesn’t make it suck less. My confidence is at what feel like an all time low.

The Discord Dummy catches COVID

One of the reasons that I was very anxious about how sick I was this past week was because one of my coworkers recently let us know that he tested positive for COVID.

Firstly, I wasn’t surprised when he told us. I’ve written about him on this blog before, here and here. Basically, he’s been exceptionally careless about the ongoing pandemic. He’s been going on dates and hooking up with females like it’s nobody’s business, and, detailing his exploits on the company discord. The fact that he has COVID was a little bit of karma finally catching up with him.

“Practice safe sex” really takes on a whole new meaning when there’s a deadly pandemic sweeping the globe. I can’t imagine the frustration of the health care workers trying to do contact tracing and having to follow ‘Girl I had sex with from Tinder’ as a lead.

While I haven’t been physically present within six feet of him, we were in the same office together for several days. We walked the same halls, opened the same doors, you know… we shared the same vicinity. So, the fact that I was really sick had me extremely worried that it was COVID and that I had caught it from him.’

Anyways, apparently he’s felt like absolute shit. He went so far as to say this is the sickest he’s ever been in his entire life. Do we think he’s going to learn anything from this experience? Doubtful.

The good news is, I didn’t have COVID. I had the flu. I’m feeling much better now, which I am grateful for. I think I was feeling extra whiney when I was sick because I had the added anxiety of waiting for test results. Thankfully I was able to avoid people for several days so I know for certain that no one else got sick because of me.

Grocery delivery is quickly becoming one of my favourite conveniences.

As for Axel, haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. Hopefully he’s recovering well. Even if he did have this coming, I still hope he’s not suffering too badly.

Back when we first started hearing about this virus in late January on the news, one of the first things my brother said about it was “You really can’t vouch for the healthiness of anyone but yourself”. Which is so, so, so true. If anyone who reads this is dating during this pandemic, just be careful. You really can’t vouch for the health of the other person… even if they say they’re perfectly healthy. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

I’m rambling again.

Just because there are some things that I am unhappy about does not mean there isn’t good in my life. Just because there are some things that I am insecure about does not mean that I don’t like myself. Just because I have doubts does not mean that I don’t have certainties. Just because I’m an idiot when it comes to some things doesn’t mean that I’m an idiot when it comes to all things.

It’s okay to not have all of the answers. It’s okay if you don’t have a clear path. I don’t care what people say about trying not being good enough. Trying beats the hell out of being stagnant in life.

It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to screw up. What’s not okay is refusing to learn lessons from those times in life that seem so damn bad, you don’t ever know how you’re going to recover. Acknowledging your missteps and learning from them is literally the first step towards recovering, carving a new path and ensuring you don’t fuck up the same way twice.

Often times we treat these situations in life as though they’re rules. Rules we cannot break. We cannot possibly be insecure, unsure, uneasy or unhappy because if we’re any of these things it means we’re not secure, sure, easy-going or happy. That’s simply not the case. The world isn’t black and white. There are so many shades of grey and being able to understand that will bring a lot of peace, I promise you.

Don’t let people tell you how to feel, your feelings are warranted. Don’t let people tell you who to be or what to believe. You are who you are for a reason. That doesn’t mean that who you are is who you always have to be. Human beings are a work in progress and it’s well within you to change, if you want to. If you don’t, though… be proud of who you are. Flaws and all. Uncertainties and all. Insecurities and all. Uneasiness and all. No one else in this world is you.

Anxious still

After about a month of absolutely debilitating anxiety that has kept me from, well… everything…. I finally worked up the courage today to go to the doctor and seek some help.

This wasn’t an easy step for me to take for many reasons, one of which being that, even with doctor’s offices being very careful with respect to COVID, the idea of being in a small waiting room with someone who was potentially ill made me very anxious. Nevertheless, I did it.

When I got to the doctor I learned that maximum capacity had already been met for the day and they could not take any more patients because they would not be able to see any more patients before closing. Their waiting room was full and with the amount of people who were in there already, they were likely going to be there late.

While I completely understand the situation, I left feeling really defeated. It’d taken me so long to work up the courage to go and admit to my anxiety and when I got there, I was turned away.

The woman whom I spoke with at the clinic told me that I could come back during the week. I just, I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to work up the nerve to go for a second time.

I know that I have to do something. I was just hoping that everything would’ve worked out the way I wanted it to. Being anxious is not important enough means for me to be in the emergency room. So, I think I just need to muster the strength to get back there at some point this week.

The last time that I saw a doctor about my anxiety, they provided me a referral for a therapist. Attending those appointments actually helped me considerably at the time. I wasn’t able to continue because the referral that I was given was only for a certain number of appointments. While that therapist is in another province, I still somehow wish I could just go back and see her. She understood me.

Right now my anxiety is so bad that hypotheticals of hypotheticals of hypotheticals are keeping me from sleeping. Ex: My landlord works for a company that was talked about on the news this past week because they announced massive COVID related layoffs. Immediately I was hit with a fear that he’s getting laid off and because he’s getting laid off he’s going to sell his house because he needs they money and when he sells his house then I’ll be without residence and needing a place to land, in the middle of the winter.

Why is my mind trailing so far down these rabbit holes and why can’t I stop it?

I have to stop watching the news.

I have to do something.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I think I can do this. I think I can get back to the Doctor this week.

I hope I can.

Overheard on discord: The CEO dropping wisdom

Today’s a real zinger. A short, simple and relevant quote left by the CEO.

“If you don’t make time for your wellness you will be forced to make time for your illness.”

Let that sink in.


From time to time I have been sharing stories of things seen on my company discord.

If you missed the first posts, you should check them out!

Story time: The office frat-boy

Story time: Overheard on Discord

I feel like I’m drowning.

It really scares me.

I should be happy. Why am I not happy?

On paper everything sounds perfect. In reality, I cannot shake this anxious pit in my stomach.

I hate being truthful about it because I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I know how lucky I am. Anxiety is not logical, though. There doesn’t need to be a reason or a rhyme. Sometimes you just have to deal with the quakes as they come.