Just because everything looks perfect from the outside doesn’t mean that it is on the inside.
I don’t know how to fix any of it.
Winter is weighing on me. The darkness is weighing on me. The cold, making it hard to be outside for any length of time, is weighing on me. Looking after sick people is weighing on me. Rejection is weighing on me. Not having a plan for life is weighing on me. Feeling lonely is weighing on me. Lack of steady income is weighing on me. People telling me ‘just do it, it’s easy’ is weighing on me. People saying ‘stop worrying so much’ is weighing on me. Feeling like a disappointment is weighing on me. Feeling like my problems aren’t real problems is weighing on me. Everything is weighing on me.
These thoughts, while I invariably avoid them day-to-day, every once in a while tend to pop up all at once and consume my brain to the point where I can’t do anything but worry.
And so I sit here, trying to distract myself, but inevitably, worrying more than anything else.
2020 seems like a great year to have a great year. In an effort to leave room for growth, I have set what I believe to be very thoughtful, very attainable resolutions. This year:
I want to be more aware of time. The time I take, the time I give, the time I make, the time I live. I want to have more appreciation for the time I get, the moments I love and the people that make them so special. I want to acknowledge, and appreciate, time… for exactly what it is. We don’t get enough of it, so in 2020 I’m going to saviour it, every second of it.
I want to love and appreciate myself. For far too long I’ve been far too critical of who I am, diminishing what I accomplish and beating myself up for what I don’t. I may not be able to attain perfection, but I can appreciate the journey and celebrate what I do accomplish.
I want to proofread my posts before I hit publish. For the past year this blog has been my thoughts, in the moment, as they happen. And, while I’m not ashamed of anything that I’ve said on this blog, I think that I would be much happier with what I publish if I checked the spelling and grammar first. My posts will never be perfect, but they can be a lot better.
I want to put myself ‘out there’. I want to see if there are companies who’ll possibly sponsor this blog. I want to write articles for other people. I want to take part in more podcasts. Dare I say, maybe one day, show my face to the world. I want to freely, take this blog in any direction that an open door can lead and never say no to an opportunity.
I want to take better care of myself, my mental health and my well being. When I get stressed out, the last thing I think about is my own well being, and I really ought to start putting myself first once in a while. I don’t need to be selfish, I just need to take care of myself. No more crying myself to sleep. I’m going to confront my feelings, eat properly, exercise, and try to see the better sides of life. I’d love to cut my sugar intake by 40-50%. I’ll always love sweet foods, but that doesn’t mean I need to eat them just because they’re there. My body is a temple and I need to treat it better so that I can feel better.
I want to learn more about photography and how to take beautiful photos. I’ve spent so many years of my life trying to edit shitty photos to make them look better for various companies that now I’d really to learn how to take beautiful photos to start with. Colour, composition, focus, flash, shutter speed… I really want to study the art of what it takes to get the perfect photo. After all, if a picture’s worth a thousand words, I might as well make them valuable words.
I want to go somewhere that I’ve never been and experience something I’ve never done. I am the type who wants to dangle my toes of the edge of waterfalls, walk hand-in-hand with weird and wild creatures of the forest, learn embarrassing phrases in foreign languages to be the ‘token tourist’ who makes everyone smile and laugh because they can’t help but love her quirky can-do attitude. So let’s go please. Let’s find an adventure.
I want to teach my friends and family of the importance of sustainability and making eco-friendly choices. I may have made small strides in 2019, but more can be done. It’s been a difficult transition for a lot of people in my life and I really want them to make better/smarter choices with respect to the purchases they’re making and the actions they’re taking. I know it’s possible, and I think with more education everyone can be making smarter choices… even if it’s as simple as buying stainless steel straws and cloth shopping bags. Every decision counts. This is our world and we ought to protect it, look after it and love it.
I want to reach a point where I no longer need to worry about money, or how I will afford things. I’m not someone who needs fancy things, but what I do need is to know that the basics, the simple things in life, will be attainable to me. I don’t want to fear my credit card bill. I don’t want to put off doing things like buying new glasses any longer. My eyeballs need new glasses. Of course, I know, a job will help with this. And, fingers crossed, the stars will align for me from that perspective.
I want to spread kindness to whomever I meet, wherever I go. The world needs more kindness and people need to know they’re loved, worthy and appreciated. If I can accomplish even the smallest fraction of that, I’ll consider it a success.
I want to test out Vessi’s Waterproof shoes to find out if they’re actually as good as they’re hyped up to be. I want to test out a weighted blanket to find out if they really help with sleep, anxiety, restlessness and all other things they claim to help with. I want to test out some noise cancelling head phones to see if they really help me avoid the rest of the world when I need to focus. Also, I’d like to test out waking up exceptionally early to see if it would really make me as productive of a person as everyone claims waking up at 4:30 am makes them.
I don’t ever want to spend another New Year’s Eve alone.
This year is going to be about openness, honesty, generosity and goodness. I want everyone to remember that you cannot do all the good that the world needs, but, the world does need all the good that you can do.
I’m not going to lie, these were hard for me to go through because a lot of them come from the beginning of this year, when I first started this blog and was in a horrible place mentally and emotionally.
Thinking back to where I was at the beginning of this year, thinking how sad I was, how ready to give up I was, how I thought the world had crumbled around me… I really don’t think I smiled the first two months of this year at all.
I’m still not in the best place in life, but I at least can see these and see how far I’ve come in the past year.
A moment in February when I was feeling hopeful about what was ahead.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
The importance of being selective with the people you let into your life.
DAY 28: THAT INEXPLICABLE LUMP IN YOUR THROAT RIGHT BEFORE YOU’RE ABOUT TO CRY
I was sad, lost and talking about why I was sad and lost. (Ironically, 11 months later and I still, to an extent, feel the same)
A reminder that we are all simply human and we all have our struggles.
TIPS & TRICKS FOR SMOOTH TRANSITIONS THROUGH THE AIRPORT
Much like the title says, this post is tips and tricks to make the airport as painless as possible.
DAY 29: A RANT
Ranting about some serious topics.
It’s crazy to me to go through analytic and see what became the most popular of my posts made this year. Some hurt, some heartbreak, some happiness, some thoughtfulness. The biggest thing I’m taking from this year is growth. I may not be where I want to be yet, but damn, I’ve come a long way. I’m choosing to believe the progress is for something.
MILLENNIAL MENTAL HEALTH
I think this turned into a bit of a reminder that we’re all going through something and that we shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, but rather, seek to understand. Mental health is hard to talk about, but that doesn’t mean we should void it.
“THERE’S NO MONEY IN WRITING”
This was more of a collaborative discussion than a post of mine. I just wanted to hear from other writers what they thought of the writing process and what it brings to their lives.
LIFE WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY
What it’s like to live with self consciousness on steroids. What it’s like to overthink, the worry and to not be able to turn it off.
SO… THIS SUCKS.
This was my response to learning that people were ripping off my posts to post on their own blog.
TIPS FOR COPING WITH ANXIETY FROM A PSYCHIATRIST
I went to therapy in 2019, which was exceptionally helpful to me in some very dark times. From time to time, I shared some tips my therapist shared with me.
ON MAKING YOUR BLOG STAND OUT
Much like the title suggests, this was just a few mentions of how to make your blog stand out from the crowd, how to grab attention, how to make your layout, content and photos all align…
LETTERS TO ANYONE
Things I write, things I think, things I worry about late at night/early in the morning that I have a hard time putting into words.
BLOGGING 103: BLOG MONETIZATION
A warning, from a personal perspective about thinking before you jump into buying the WordPress account that allows you to put ads you on your blog. Ad revenue, without a steady stream of traffic, might not be all you think it is.
If you’re anything like me, Christmas and anxiety go hand-in-hand. Being around family is extremely stressful on the regular, even more so when they have heightened expectations of the holiday at the front of their minds.
I’m proud to have survived yesterday. I kept it cool, calm and collected the entire day. I wanted to set some people straight, but I didn’t. I didn’t because I knew the fight it would start would not be worth it. I wanted to remind people of expectation versus reality, but I didn’t. When their reality doesn’t live up to expectations, that’ll be for them to figure out. I don’t have to tell them about it.
I took a brief, one hour hiatus to hide in my room and calm down. Family is stressful, and I’m a firm believer that if you need to take a break, you should take a break.
I survived. No one fought. No one left in a fit. No one broke any dishes or threw away any presents or any of the other things that have happened in previous years in my family’s home. Everyone just existed, cohesively.
Next year, though… next year I’m taking Knight and we’re going to Mexico. Or, somewhere far, far away.
Hope everyone had a wonderful, stress-free or least-stress-possible Christmas!