You just never know.

When you’re suffering from mental illness or struggling from mental issues, it’s easy to think you’re the only one in the world who feels the way that you feel. I know because I do that. I’ve done that. There’s something about the human condition that forces us to keep the negative in our lives bottled up, eating away at our happiness, little by little, day after day.

I don’t understand it.

This past week has been eye opening for me in that I’ve been able to realize I’m not alone. Both my best friend and my sister have mentioned to me they take medication for anxiety.

I know that it’s incredibly naive of me to say that I thought I was the only one, but that’s how I thought. I thought I was the only one. I was hard-wired to believe that I was the only one who couldn’t handle it. ‘IT’ being the proverbial shit-storm that’s been running through my head.

I’m not alone, though. I’m not. And while I don’t like thinking about the people in my life struggling in a way that I understand all too well, it makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone, and, that we can talk about it. We can talk about it.

And being able to talk about it make’s me feel a little bit more like it’s not winning. Like it’s not going to get the best of me. Like there’s room to fight back.

Day 33: On the pursuit of health, happiness and the elusive feeling of calm.

I spent January 1, 2018 in the hospital. I’d been sick for several weeks at that point and I needed to see a doctor. When I finally got to the doctor I was so dehydrated that they immediately hooked me up to an IV and filled me with four bags of fluids. Following the blood tests, the urine test, the IVs and the lectures from the doctor and two nurses, they reluctantly let me go home around 8 pm and told me to not let myself get so sick without seeing a doctor.

I took their advice. I drastically changed my lifestyle and in 2018 I lost a bunch of weight, rediscovered my love for exercise and tried like never before to become social again.

I spent January 1, 2019 in bed. I’d just been fired and I didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I didn’t want to look at my phone and I didn’t really want to be awake. The problems I was feeling one year later felt all too similar whilst affecting a completely separate facet of my health.

There was no doctor to give me advice this time around. There was only the negative thoughts in my head, quickly eating away at every fiber of my happiness.

It’s tough to be happy. It really is. And it’s hard explaining that to someone who is happy. If you’re one of those blessed people in life who are able to see past your problems, or have minimal problems at that, I admire you. I am not one of those people. Things affect me. Things affect me in deep, unfortunate ways that I can’t control.

The past month has been exceptionally hard. I know because pouring my heart out to the internet seems to be my only means of coping these days. All that being said, I’m trying to be hopeful. I’m trying to see the bright side of things. I’m trying to remember that this too shall pass.

My body seems to be taking quite well to structured eating. Never did I think that I would be a person to appreciate eating the same thing at the same time each day – but it does have its advantages. I’m continuing to lose weight and build lean muscle in my body. I’m having an easier time digesting things and those dark circles that used to permanently sit beneath my eyes due to my sugar intake, they’re for the most part gone.

My mind is struggling right now. And I will say this with certainty – when you’re not in a good place mentally, exercising is hard. Finding the motivation to leave the house is hard. I’m relying on my loved ones to force me into new and scary situations in hopes that my negative head-space won’t always maintain such power over me.

I think there are two facets to happiness. Your body and your mind need to be in alignment. The demons that lurk beneath the shadows of your thoughts can’t maintain the power they do or you’ll never get out of this, so to speak. Alignment is key to the balance of life. Alignment is key to calm.

A new goal that I’ve made for myself this year is to focus on my mental health. I want to be in balance with the universe and I don’t want the demons to have such control over me anymore.

Short of seeing a professional (as that’s already being looked into) if anyone has any suggestions of how to help calm a chaotic mind, I’d gladly accept. I feel as though there’s got to be some ‘food for the soul’ I can find to help myself out as I wade through the choppy waters of this transition in my life.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.