July 17, 2019 – As I ramble on.

Lately I’ve been realizing just how much the weather affects my mood. At what felt like the height of my struggles earlier this year, we went for a period of nearly a month in which temperatures outside were -30 degrees Celsius or below. It was difficult to go outside for more than a few seconds without feeling physical pain from the cold.

The past few weeks have been exceptionally trying. And, as I stare outside at the pouring rain, for the seventeenth day in a row, I know that this weather isn’t causing my issues, but it’s definitely contributing to my mood being so much worse. We’ve had an exceptionally cold, wet, rain-filled summer thus far… if you even want to call it a summer. It feels more like fall, to be totally honest.

Keeping with that theme of being totally honest, I’m scared about the future. More distinctly, I’m scared that I don’t have a future. I’m scared that I’ll never amount to anything, that this hamster wheel I’m spinning in will continue for the rest of my life.

Last time I went for lunch with Knight, his sister and his sister’s family, she explained how I’m feeling in a more accurate when then I’ve ever been able to put into words.

“It’s hard,” she said. “You want so badly to know that things are going to work out and that everything’s going to be okay, but the universe doesn’t tell you when that’s going to happen. It would be so nice if you could just know a day, a time to expect it. A time so that you wouldn’t have to worry so much and you could just focus on getting through to that day. But that’s not how the world works.”

In a nutshell, that’s really it. The worst part of being in this situation is not knowing how, or when everything’s going to work out. Or even if everything’s going to work out. I wan’t so badly to know, but I really don’t have the answers… just a lot of questions.

I’m taking it one day at a time. Or, at least I am trying. And I’m trying to stay positive… I really am. Today, it’s a positive that… yeah, I started writing this four hours ago and I’ve been thinking about it since then and I’m having a hard time. I’m thankful for the things that I have in my life, I really am. I’m thankful for the people I have in my life. Honestly, it saves my sanity that I get to talk to Knight every night before he goes to bed. I guess I’m just struggling to be positive right now. I think it’s important to note that you can be thankful and grateful for what you have while still having a hard time being happy.

I think that’s a huge misconception about mental illness. People who don’t understand it will say things like ‘But your life is so great’ or ‘You have so much’. I do have a lot and I am very grateful for what I have. Having good things in your life doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to feel down, sad or upset sometimes. I’m getting off topic.

Positives. Positives. Try to stay positive, self. You can do this. You can see the good in the world, even when it feels like things are crashing down around you.

I really need a little bit of sunshine in my life today. I feel so needy and lousy saying that. But my oh my… universe… if there’s a sign you can send, I’m ready for it.

Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.

The time, 11:49 pm. The mood, content. The setting: perched at the edge of the couch, watching the sun dip behind the trees, saying goodnight to another peaceful day.

I’m reaching the end of the week that I dubbed my week of positivity. It was my goal to, for the week, all week, stay positive. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. It definitely wasn’t. I consider myself a realist by nature, so staring down the barrel of some particularly crappy situations and choosing to not let it get the better of you, it’s tough. But, I’m here to say that it is do-able.

As mentioned in a post earlier on this week, my mom’s healthy. Which that, that is reason enough to be eternally thankful.

Other positive things that happened this week? I’ve been babysitting my brother’s dog for the past couple of days. He’s actually done a lot for brightening my mood. I was trying to pin point why this dog was making me so happy and it was really my brother that hit the nail on the head with why Jaxon (the dog) is so nice to have around.

“Jaxon is really growing on me!” I texted him.

“Yeah, he’s a pretty great dog to have around. He listens well and he just always seems to be in a good mood.” He texted back.

That’s it. That’s it right there. This dog is always in a good mood. He’s always got a ‘dog smile’ on his face. He wags his tail like he’s excited to be everywhere and involved in anything. He loves attention but he also loves when we leave him alone. He prances around like he doesn’t weigh 100 pounds and he’s totally unaware that there’s anything bad in this world. I realize that I sound crazy as I’m talking about a dog in this way, but it’s just… so heartwarming to be around him. I truly believe that pets make us better. And this dog, he definitely has made me better this week.

One thing that has been an extremely important mood booster to me this week was all of the introductions that I got to read on my blog. Making a post asking for introductions, I wasn’t really sure what I was going to get. Honestly, I was expecting maybe five-to-ten people to respond, tops. The responses that I got were really overwhelming. It was so special to me to be able to read about so many of you, and to learn more. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This space, this wordpress world, has been such a safe space for me over the past six months. My mind is truly blown with how many wonderful people I’ve crossed paths with on wordpress. Honestly, if I could go back in time, I would tell myself to make a wordpress account a lot sooner than I did.

Another moment that was extremely important during my week was taking my niece and nephew out for slurpees. B and V (she’s V too as she’s named after me) went to get slurpees/screamers, and as we were walking to the till with their cups full of sugar, B patted me on the arm and said ‘Auntie, thank you so much!’ Naturally, I asked him why he was thanking me. His response: ‘Because you just make things so much better. You make me feel better and you make everything better. It’s so nice to have you around. And I’m not just saying that because you’re buying me ice cream’. I nearly teared up there in the store. I didn’t, because he’s 10 and would totally make fun of me for that. But I wanted to. Such a nice compliment from a ten year old kid. If he get understand that now, at 10, imagine what he’s going to be like when he grows up!

There’s definitely been some negative things happening. There’s definitely been some things that made me anxious and scared. But, overall, I would say that I made some serious headway in being able to deal with those things, cope with those things or completely see past those things.

The power of positivity is real.

I’ve decided that I’m going to start leaving notes about things that I like about myself on the end of my blog posts. Why? I’m trying to boos my own self-esteem, so I want to think of more positives. I also think that it’ll be nice, when I look back on these posts one day in the future, to be able to see that I ended each post with a positive note. So, here goes:

I really like my eyes. They’re a really nice ocean-blue colour and I get complimented on them a lot. I don’t mean that in a cocky way, I just mean that of all the things people can be complimented on, I’m frequently complimented as having beautiful eyes. They definitely are attention grabbing when you see me.

My goal for this week.

It’s Monday and I’m setting an intention for the seven days ahead of me. My goal for this week is to be more positive.

I’ve been realizing lately that I use this blog as a means to vent. Which, I’m totally okay with. I’m a firm believer that life is messy and that sharing the negative pieces are just as important as sharing the positive. I’ve come to the realization though, that I need to share more of the positive. So, that’s my goal for this week.

I’m going to do everything that I can to be more positive. I want to think more positively and I want to look at the world in a better light.

Venting is healthy. It absolutely is. I vent a lot and I welcome other’s who vent as well, because I believe in being real. But in being real, I need to look at the world in a more positive light. It’s something I definitely struggle with, and since the good is out there, I need to make more of an effort to acknowledge it and appreciate it.

Positive outcomes only.

In a society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.

Today I have promised myself that I am going to talk myself up. I have promised myself that I am not going to allow my brain to think any negative thoughts about who I am or what I am capable of. Today I have promised myself that my insecurities are not going to win, nor going to have any place in my head.

One day at a time.

I am fucking amazing. I am. I don’t say that in a cocky way, I say that in a self-awareness way. I’m intelligent, I’m kind-hearted, I’m overly sentimental and I try my best to understand everyone that I meet. I work hard. I have a phenomenal memory, one that helps me and drives people crazy with the amount of things I can remember.

I look after people. I give with grace. I volunteer my time to help those in need and I do my very best to put a smile on the face of those that I love. I try to be good. I really do. And I try to improve with each day. Self-improvement is my ultimate goal.

I’m self taught in graphic design, self taught in HTML coding, self taught in analytics tracking. I work well as part of a team and on my own and I work hard. I work so fucking hard, all the time. I’m a leader by design, but am also aware enough to realize when I need to let someone else take the wheel. It’s all about timing!

I’m stubborn as all hell and will stop at nothing to get my way. Some might see that as a negative, but I choose to see that as a positive. Why? Because it means that I don’t quit. And I don’t quit. Ever.

I’ve accomplished great feats, bowed at the foot of greatness and will continue to strive for greatness within myself. I believe knowledge is power and that I want to always be learning. I’m creative, insightful and can carry an intelligible conversation with anyone that I meet.

I set high standards both for myself and for the people I love. Why? Because I believe that we can always be better and that we owe it to ourselves to be better.

I’m a constantly evolving working in progress who’s trying to be nicer to herself. I’m only human and I’m far from perfect, but I like who I am. And that, I think that’s what’s most important.

Running away.

I wish I could say that you would like me if you got to know me, but the truth is most days I play a lead role in the award winning saga that is my life. Things happen that I have zero control over and about the only thing I have left to do is just try and roll with it. Trying to find the positive is hard. It’s really hard. And I don’t say that in a ‘feel bad for me’ kind of way. I just say that in a… when the world kicks you down, it hurts.

Positives:

  • I have a job interview this afternoon. It’s for a job that I know I can do in a place that I do not want to work. But, it’s a job. And, after two months of being without work, it seems like it might just be a good fit for me right now. I can work at it for a while until I figure out my next move in life. Right?

Negatives:

  • I don’t want to feel like I’m settling. I went to school and I put in nearly a decade’s worth of work towards a career. I don’t want to walk that career backwards by taking a job that could reflect poorly on my resume.

It’s been bitterly cold here for the past month. Bitterly cold. In the past 26 days I can recall one day that the temperature was higher than -15 degrees Celsius. I am starting to think that my best option might be to run away to somewhere warm. Selling fruit on the side of a road on a Caribbean island sounds really appealing these days. It would also allow me to run from my problems, which, who doesn’t want to do that?

Life Updates:

My mom is progressing through her cancer treatments. I’m finding solace in the fact that after this she is hopefully going to be completely healthy and okay! She’s mad that she has to have a tattoo, she’s sad that her hair is falling out at alarming rates and she’s been very sick, but she’s fighting. And for that, I can’t help but feel thankful. Not everyone gets so lucky to find the cancer so early.

Knight got a parking ticket this morning. He was pretty impressed to go out and leave for work and find that on his car. I guess though, if a parking ticket is our biggest worry at this point, we’re laughing. It’s not as though we’re battling cancer or something horrendous has happened. Our problems, in the grande scheme of things are completely first world problems.

Missing the West Coast.

Okay, I best be off to get ready for my interview now. If I don’t run away, I’ll need to take advantage of this interview in hopes of employment.