Sometimes things have to fall apart before they can fall into place. At least that’s what I’m trying to remind myself.
Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming.
“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”Ralph Waldo Emerson
Some days are great and some days can feel as though everything in the world is falling into place. Then there are days, oh there are days, where I struggle to stay afloat. These are the days that I try to think of the things I am, and should be, thankful for. Some days it boosts my mood, other days it doesn’t. But every day it reminds me that I still have good things in my life, even when every fiber of my being is trying to tell me otherwise.
- I’m alive. It’s hard to be thankful for this when you’re in such a negative headspace all of the time, but truth be told, it’s a real blessing. I’m here, I’m breathing and I’m lucky for that.
- I have access to the internet. I use the internet for a lot. Looking for jobs. Pouring my heart out to this blog. Running social media accounts for Knight. Doing some consulting work. Watching copious amounts of Youtube videos and falling down various subject matter rabbit holes (the most recent of which being Mr. Atheist)
- The small pleasures in life. The sun, even if it is only up for a few hours each day. The smell of fresh brewed coffee. Hearing my niece and nephew laugh.
- The Tesla #CyberTruck is so badass. I want one. I want one sooooo bad. I’m going to get it one day. It will be mine. You just wait and see.
- The Cure – Pictures of You. This has been a favourite of mine for years and it’s a song that I go back to whether my mood good or bad. In my opinion, The Cure is music that will transcend generations and could quite possibly still be relevant 100 years from now.
- My foam roller. This rickety old body needs all the help it can get. And honestly, owning a foam roller is LIFE CHANGING for your muscles and joints.
- That I have a somewhat not-stupid head on my shoulders that keeps me on track. Staying the path of determination and stubbornness isn’t always a lucrative adventure monetarily, but I will get there. Rest assured, I will get there eventually.
- For these few minutes of peace I am getting tonight. Everyone’s gone out. I’m not sure if it’ll be 10 minutes, a half hour, an hour or even two. But I’m going to take advantage of this quiet while I’ve got it.
- Something Knight said to me on the phone two nights ago. I didn’t really say anything about it when he said it. And I haven’t mentioned it since. But I’ll probably remember it forever.
Sometimes, reminding yourself to be grateful is one of the most positive, and hardest steps you can take to make sure you get on with your day.
What are you grateful for today?
Love hasn’t always been kind. Love hasn’t always been giving, or thoughtful or helpful. Love hasn’t always been good.
The first time I fell in love, I was over the moon. He was absolutely everything to me and held more power over me than I would ever like to admit to.
In my younger, more vulnerable years, lacking in self-confidence at the time (and for years after due to his treatment), I accepted his shitty treatment for longer than I would like to admit to. I didn’t just accept it, I welcomed it. He had anger issues. And, looking back, he had serious issues with depression as well. He really liked to take out his frustrations on me. Yelling, screaming, throwing things at me, insulting me, preying on my every insecurity, getting in his car and leaving me places, forcing me to find a way home on my own. These were just things I came to expect. While I was shocked the day I found out he was cheating on me, I look back now on his behaviour and I think of how I should have seen the signs. I should have known what was coming. I really shouldn’t have been surprised.
And every time he treated me poorly, like clockwork, he’d go buy a fancy piece of jewelry or an expensive pair of shoes, show up a day or two later with them tied together with a nice pink bow. Every time I saw a little pink bow, I forgave him. I don’t know why. I look back on it now and I think I was mighty stupid for accepting gifts as though it is/was/could ever be any apology for his shitty treatment of me.
I’ve always hated pink bows.
There’s a quote from a book (that I’ll admit I have ever read) that rings true for a lot of people in this world. In The perks of being a Wallflower, the quote is ‘We accept the love we think we deserve.’
How fucking true is that? (Please excuse my language)
It’s so relevant. People who think low of themselves, people who struggle with self confidence, they’re so easy to accept shitty treatment under the mask of ‘love’ just because they feel that’s all they deserve. I know this because that’s what I felt I deserved back then.
If you’ve been there, if you are there now, please know that you deserve more. Don’t feel bad for thinking you deserve more. Don’t feel bad for wanting more. Don’t settle for anything just because it’s something. Love should be better than that. You are worth more than that.
Love should be patient. Love should be kind. Love should be thoughtful and helpful, fulfilling and caring. Love should bring out the best in you. Love should never make you doubt your self worth. Love should never make you question your value.
If you’re there in a tough relationship now or if you’ve been there before, I completely I understand. I was that person who didn’t think there was anything better. And trust me, I was so wrong. Looking back now, I’m happy that I was wrong. Because he was a piece of shit. And now that I know better is out there, I have to believe better is out there for you, too.
I wish for everyone to find their Knight in shining armour. Or Knightess!(yeah, pretty sure I just made that up because there’s no female form of Knight, is there?)
Words that speak for themselves, so I won’t say too much.
It’s not always easy to ignore the noise, but sometimes, you have to. Their words don’t matter. So don’t let them matter.
An authentic and genuine life grows like a sturdy tree. And like a tree, it grows slowly. Every time you make a different and better decision, it grows a little. Every time you choose to do the right thing, even when nobody would find out otherwise, it grows a little. Every time you act with compassion, relinquish your right to strike back, take a courageous stand, admit fault or accept responsibility, it grows a little.– Steve Goodier
One of the biggest lessons that I’ve learned this year is that it is important to focus on the little things. Small changes. Every day, day after day, you need to see that you’re making a difference, even in the smallest of ways. Sometimes that’s all that you have to hold onto.
I’m taking the rest of this year slowly. Day by day, one step at a time. That’s what I’m doing for my self care. That’s what I’m doing to look after my mental-health, and to just keep going.
To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.Ralph Waldo Emerson