On ‘playing the cards you’re dealt’.

I whine a lot to the internet. I do. I’ll admit that.

I am so incredibly grateful that it’s finally spring time in Canada.

When I started this blog I had grandiose plans of making it a fun and interesting place to come write about fun activities I was doing and posting restaurant reviews, perhaps even a lot of travel. And I still want to do all of those things. But I also believe in being real. Where I’m at in my life right now isn’t a fun place to be. And I’m not going to hide that and pretend it isn’t the case. I’m trying, though. I would like that stipulation known. I am really, genuinely trying. Sometimes the cards just suck and you have to get ready for the next hand and the next chapter in life.

The thing about wordpress is that, in spite of being a place filled with strangers, somehow it allows me to feel less alone in this universe.

I have trouble sleeping most nights. In spite of reading every sleep-help suggestion I can find and trying all of them, I still struggle to sleep. And though I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone, it does make me feel a little bit better to know that I’m not alone in this issue.

Things appear to be looking up. And, though I’m trying to not get my hopes up too high, I am feeling cautiously optimistic. I don’t want to talk too much about what’s going on because if it doesn’t happen, I don’t want to have to explain why. But, if it does happen, it’ll be a good step forward for me, and for us.

Derrick, the aforementioned lunatic who lives upstairs, has continued his streak of manipulation and idiocy. There’s nothing new about that. In the two months that I’ve known him he’s tried to ‘get with’ three women – none of which were available, all of which were either in a relationship or fresh out of one, and each of which I have heard him lie to on several occasions. I’m sorry, if you need to lie to spend time with someone, you’re doing it wrong.

I have an appointment with the ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) Specialist on Thursday. I’ve done the Autoimmune blood testing now and it came back negative. I’ve also done the allergy testing – which was a huge waste of my time (story for another day). I’m not sure what’s going to come from the appointment on Thursday but hopefully he’s got some new ideas of what might be able to help me. I really just want to feel healthy again.

I’m still looking for a job. I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog the stupid things I’ve run into in the job hunting process. It’s been a frustrating ordeal. Education, experience and common sense don’t appear to be worth too much these days.

Things in 2019 have sucked, so far. That’s not to say there hasn’t been good. There definitely has been good and I am not trying to minimize that. Knight has been a rock. The man is basically the only thing keeping me from losing my mind. As a whole though, this year (so far) has been a bit of a write off for me. I’m ready for some change, I’m ready to move onward and upward.

Don’t settle. That’s something I have to tell myself every day. Don’t settle. You’re worth so much more than you believe. Try and stay in the positive. Onward and upward. #MotivationMonday

All about a Knight in Shining Armour.

First and foremost, I went to the doctor this morning. I had mentioned last week that the Doctor phoned to tell me that I needed to speak with him about the results of my Autoimmune blood testing. The only appointment that I could get was for today, so, for the past week I have been sweating it out thinking every horrible option under the sun.

Got to my appointment this morning. All of my results were negative. Therefore, I still have no diagnosis. Furthermore, I am now angry and frustrated with the doctor for making me sweat for a week, only to find out that my tests were negative. Why couldn’t he tell me that over the phone?

Okay, I will leave that there. If I say more about that I’ll stay frustrated all day. So, switching gears….

Last July, I sat in one of my favourite bar’s in the world across from a handsome man, who I was meeting for the first time, and one of the first things he said to me was ‘You know, you are really pretty.’ Then he smiled sweetly and pushed his hand out across the table to hold mine.

For a first date, he was certainly winning me over quickly.

A week later he took me to a fair. That’s right – carnival games, ferris wheels, haunted houses, fake tattoos, the whole nine yards. It was possibly my favourite day of 2018.

Over the past eight months, Knight has proven himself to be the rock that stands behind you, beside you, with you, in your corner, every single time. He’s there. He’s always there. He’s always been there.

A lot has happened in the past eight months. Largely I seem to feel as though the drama has come from my life, but he’s never complained once. He’s just been there.

The day that I got fired from my job for no reason, he drove me home from work and sat at my side letting me cry on his shoulder for hours.

When we found out that my mother’s condition was cancer, he got in a car with me at 6 pm on a Saturday night so that we could drive 12 hours, through the night to go and see her.

I’m not one to gush, but he is an incredible man. A truly incredible man. One that I think every single day I do not deserve. He’s the type of man that kisses me twice on his way out the door. The type of man who brings me flowers… just because it’s Monday. The type of man who, when my anxiety is bothering me so much that I don’t feel I can get out of bed, will tell me to stay there. He’ll bring me food and drinks and distract me from my worries to help put my mind at peace. He’s also been to every single doctor’s appointment, x-ray, blood test, and everything that I’ve had to do in the past eight months in my quest to find out what’s wrong.

When I think of a support system that everyone needs but so few get, I can’t help but feel exceptionally lucky for finding him.

The love that I feel is full, and pure, and unwavering… even when we fight. Because we do fight. That’s just a part of being in a relationship though.

Knight is the type of man who works a 12 hour day and then will come home and offer to make me dinner. Not for any other reason than because he’s a good soul. Not for any other reason than that’s his heart. Pure, full and thoughtful.

I really don’t know what the future will hold for us. I hope it’s a positive one. I hope that eventually we can reach a point where it stops feeling as though there’s so much negative out there and that things can just be positive and carefree for a while. I do know though, that I want to keep him around. I know that I’m extremely lucky. I know that a love like this doesn’t come along often and I know that I’ve got something a lot of girls dream of having.

This post has been really mushy. Which, he can attest, isn’t typically my style. But, the moral of the story is that it’s so refreshing and wonderful to find a love like that.

Day 52: Officially three weeks without a home.

On December 31 I gave notice to my building that I would be moving out on January 31. In my mind, there was no way that I needed, nor wanted, to stay there longer than January 31 and so I was going to have a new fabulous plan and a new fabulous life to start on February 1.

Life knocked me on my ass.

On February 1st I started crashing in the basement of someone I didn’t know prior to February 1st. Crazy, right? I thought so too. But I did it.

In the past three weeks I’ve been hit with a daily reminder of why I need my own place. It’s such a blessing in life to have your own space where you can put things where you like, do things as you please and not have to worry about someone who flosses his teeth and leaves the picks on the table for each morning for you to find when you wake up. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to get my own place again.

In the past three weeks I’ve learned patience in a way that I’ve never had to before. In the past three weeks I’ve been holding out desperate hope for a sign, a signal, something from the universe to show me that this is temporary and that everything is going to be okay. Yes, Knight does tell me on a daily basis that this is temporary, but I feel as though he has too. It’s his obligation to try and keep me thinking positively. And he works damn hard at it. I need to tell him more often that I notice, that I appreciate it and that I am thankful for him.

On the plus side, my motivation is not lacking. That’s a good thing. I know how easy it can be to get into a slump and stop doing anything and everything when you’re not working. I’ve definitely been there through a portion of the past month-and-a-half. Now though, now I’m in fighting mode.

My brain seems to be working faster than I can keep up with these days. I can’t contain my thoughts long enough to make them cohesive, and as such, I’ve wound up with more than 30 posts in the draft folder of this wordpress account. Pouring my heart out to the internet carries a certain catharsis that I can’t get elsewhere these days. So much so that I can’t stop writing.I guess there are worse problems to have.

Last night we had Persian for dinner and it was delicious. I wasn’t always someone to try foods outside-of-the-norm but lately, I find I’m becoming a foodie. I want to order random foods off the menu just for the heck of it. And this, random item from the menu was stupendous!

Alright, There’s two chihuahuas that are giving me the side-eye pretty hard right now. Time to get back to real life.