People that annoy me

People who say ‘we should do coffee’. No, no we shouldn’t. There’s a reason why we haven’t seen each other in years. If I wanted to go for coffee with you, I would have at any point in the past [x] amount of time in which we haven’t communicated.

Parents who exploit their children on the internet for cash. I’m not talking the mom’s or dad’s who post pictures of their kids just because. I’m talking about the parents who post pictures or videos of their children and go into very detailed descriptions of their physical or mental health issues or tell their child’s personal stories for things like Mr. Clean Advertisements (because yes, this does happen on Instagram all of the time).

People who are unwilling to do their job. If you’re being paid to do a job, please do said job. If you don’t like it, if you don’t want to be there, if you think you’re too good for the job, whatever the reason might be… you don’t need to make everyone else’s lives difficult because it

Guys that don’t call you when they say they’re going to. Don’t say you’re going to call if you’re not going to call. No woman, myself included, wants to be sitting around waiting for a man to call.

People who make everything about them. When you’re telling a story or reading or a story or simply minding your own damn business and that person always has to speak up about something that happened to them, or someone they knew, or something they did… yeah those people.

Drivers that hold up all the traffic in a parking lot so that they can wait 20 minutes for a spot close to the door. Heaven forbid they’re forced to park two rows away and walk an extra 200 feet to get into the store.

People who take all but the last two sips worth of the coffee, or the orange juice, or the milk, so they don’t have to replace it. If you drink the end of the coffee, make another pot. If you drink the end of the juice, get more juice.

People don’t care abut something until it happens to them. It shouldn’t have to happen to you for it to matter to you. Period.

Nosy neighbours that need to mind their own business. Nuf Said.


People that pretend to care. At least when people don’t fucking care and are honest about it, they have the guts to be honest about it. Someone pretending to care is such a waste. A waste of effort, a waste of thought, a waste of emotion. Just a waste.

The ‘Insta Famous’ Starter Kit

So, you want to be Insta Famous? I don’t blame you. With people raking in millions of dollars for posting selfie after selfie after selfie of themselves it looks like a really easy way to get rich.

Make no mistake though, this is a really difficult industry to break into. Why? Because it’s so saturated. With so many beautiful people in this world, you need to find yourself a means to stand out. And how do you stand out? By being exactly like the rest of them, clearly.

To become Insta Famous, you will need:

  • To wear A LOT of makeup, but to always tell your followers that you’re not wearing makeup and that you’re ‘naturally this pretty’
  • To not be afraid of putting on that bikini when it’s needed! Does it make sense to have a photo of yourself wearing a bikini at the edge of the Grand Canyon? Of course it does! Girl, put on that bikini and wander out to the edge for the best view possible.
  • To always remember – Pics or it didn’t happen!
  • It is typically going to take twenty to thirty minutes of arranging the food on your table at the restaurant and arrange good lighting to ensure that you get the best picture of all food ordered to make others jealous they’re not there with you right now. Also, your food will be cold by the time you get to eat it. That’s just a fact of life you’re going to have to deal with.
  • To not smile. Don’t ever smile. Smiling isn’t sexy and you need to be sexy to be Insta Famous
  • Lip Injections couldn’t hurt, if you can afford them. If you can’t afford them then just grossly over-line your lips. Remember, we want to look as much like Kylie Jenner as possible
  • To purchase the premium FaceTune account. It’s only $80 a year, and honestly, your face cannot look like it has pores, so honey, just buy it.
  • To always tag a brand. Yeah, you know that portion of Instagram where it says ‘Who’s in this picture?’ Don’t tag the people in the photo, silly. TAG BRANDS! Tag all the brands! You want them to see your photo and how beautiful you are and how sought after you are. After all, if they know you’re name, that’s when they’ll send you all of the free things.
  • To abide by the rule that you cannot ever post a picture of anyone but yourself. After all, people are going to come to your Instagram to see how beautiful and sexy you are. They don’t want to know that you have friends, or family. That’s not important.
  • To write long, meaningful, deep captions about how difficult it is to be so beautiful and how hard your life is because you have to deal with all sorts of things that we aren’t aware of and that you’ll never talk about.
  • To always stand in front of the most plain background possible! This will make face-tuning your entire body easier. Face-tuning with cobblestone streets in the background gives away that you’ve been editing yourself. Standing in front of that famous pink wall in LA? No one will ever know that you shaved twelve inches off your waist!
  • If you’re going to post an ad, please make sure that you post the most elaborate or contentious ad that you can possibly think of! That’s how people are gong to remember it! Scored an advertisement for coffee creamer? PERFECT! Take that creamer on a run with you and snap that photogenic picture at the top of the the hill, overlooking fields of green and beautiful landscape all behind you. People are going to ask themselves ‘WHY, WHY, WHY?’ so much, they’ll remember your ad, and that product. Get it, girl.
  • Workout pictures are a must. Because you must look like you’re working out at least five days per week. Aesthetic is everything.
  • If you can bleach your hair, it wouldn’t hurt. You don’t have to… but if you do, you’ll stand out more among all the other’s who have bleached hair.
  • Make sure that you’re never seen in the same outfit twice. Reusing outfits is unacceptable. This world is about hyperconsumerism… so get on board and do not, under any circumstances, rock the boat.
  • Any time that you can take a picture of yourself on a plane is a definite bonus. You need to make other’s jealous of your life! If you cannot afford to travel, have no fear. There are now people who ‘pimp out’ their private planes for Instagram Influencers to rent in half-hour stints to get their travel photos taken! Bring a couple of outfits, change quickly and you can have content for the next six months if you’re smart about it!
  • Host a fake giveaway! Require everyone who enters to follow you, as well as everyone included in your caption! Then, have them tag six of their closest friends in the comments. All publicity is good publicity and people love the opportunity to earn free stuff!
  • Oh and you musn’t answer any comments that you get on your posts. Unless you want to be mean. If you’re going to be mean, then definitely answer the comments. Tell people to butt out of your life, or that they’re too nosy or that they shouldn’t judge you. That ALWAYS goes over well.
  • Do it for the gram! Honestly, everything and anything you do, just make sure that you’re doing it with the mindset of what great Instagram photos you’re going to get. You’ll never go wrong, I promise you!

This list was inspired by a recent Instagram Account I found – ‘influencersinthewild’. If you’d like a good laugh, I strongly encourage you check it out!

Please note – Everything in this post is meant to be taken in a satirical sense. I am not Insta Famous, and honestly, I’m probably the last person you’d ever want to consult if you wanted to be Insta Famous. I genuinely don’t understand the Industry, or the human race for that matter.