Culmination of scattered thoughts

I laid awake most of last night.

I’ve been doing that a lot lately, actually.

I try to sleep. I’ve tried things that could help me sleep and they never do. So I just… lay there. I lay there and I think. Usually I think about my life choices.

What did I do wrong? How do I dig myself out of this? Why do I lack so much confidence? Why am I never good enough for those dreams which I aspire to? Is it all in my head, or am I actually as bad as I think I am?

As with everything in life, I really don’t have the answers… just a lot of questions.

Why does it seem like no matter how many strides forward I take, I am still lost? Will I ever truly feel as though I’ve found my way?

Lately my anxiety has been spiking at absolutely random moments. Today I was watching a video of a puppy who’d just finished eating dinner and he picked up his bowl and walked it around the house. That made me so anxious that I crawled into bed and laid there in the dark to calm down. What is it about the dog that made me anxious? I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you why anything is making me anxious lately. I can tell you that it sucks big time. I wish I knew how to fix my anxiety. Actually, I wish I knew how to not get anxious in the first place.

A girl can dream. Except I won’t because I’ll likely lay awake all night again…